Category: chronic physical pain

in so much pain I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In so much pain I can’t sleep

I had bought a compression sleeve to help my ankle pain. I made the mistake of wearing it tonight to see if it would help my Achilles and it flare it up, severely. The shorts I was wearing were bothering me so I stood up to change to my PJs. Another mistake. The pain had settled down some but now it’s flared again. UGH. Both my ankles hurt. I feel really depressed. I want to sleep but I am in too much pain despite taking meds for it. I also have songs playing in my head full blast so I took some trilafon for it. It’s so loud I can’t hear my regular voices.

I was talking with a friend tonight about various things. She lives west of me, near the New Hampshire border. I was telling her about how my mother treats me and she offered me her home. She said there is room for me there. I thought that was sweet but there would be a major problem as I am a city boy and she is out in the sticks. I would have a hard time getting around because I don’t have a car. I appreciated the offer though.

The pain in my bad foot/ankle is causing me to have PTSD symptoms because it’s all over the place and the pain is severe. It reminds me of when I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome and I am kind of in a panic about getting it again. I know I am not because I am not numb and I don’t have weakness. I just have pain confined to my foot and ankle. But the brain and emotions don’t always sync with one another when you have suffered a trauma.

I am so damn tired. My neck is aching because I need to lie down. But every time I lie down, my pain gets worse and so does my PTSD. I sometimes wish I could sleep sitting up but it puts such a strain on my back. I wish there was something I could take for my PTSD but the only thing I can take is Ativan and I already took 1 mg. I can’t take anymore, least not for the next six hours or so. I am also maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for another six hours as well. I wish I never put on that stupid sleeve. I can deal with one ankle hurting but both drives me berserk!

I emailed my PCP’s office to see if he could move up the specialist appointment. I don’t know if he will be able to do anything about it but I figure it’s worth a shot. I talked with my psych today and she is going to try and find me another doctor that specializes in CRPS that I can see faster than the other doctor. I don’t know if it will happen or not. But she doesn’t let me down. I just have to wait. I just know I can’t go on with this pain anymore. I have taken Neurontin and other pain meds to quiet it down and still I am in pain. I makes it less so I can sleep and function throughout the day but it doesn’t make it so I have zero pain, ever. I don’t think there is going to be much that the specialist is going to suggest. I have been on other drugs but Neurontin has been my main stay. It helps me more than any other drug in its class. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it makes me gain weight. I have to really try and control the food cravings to keep my weight where it is but it is so damn hard when you are hungry all the time.

I don’t know if I am going to be able to sleep tonight. My pain seems to be fluctuating between tolerable and intolerable with the slightest movement. I can’t decide which foot hurts more, my left or my right. This is just awful. I’ve never had BOTH feet hurt me at the same time in such severity. I am waiting for the meds to kick in so I can sleep. I can take another strong pain pill in about a half hour. Hopefully that will settle down one of my feet. I don’t know what else to do. Time is going by and it’s getting later and later yet I am not sleeping because I am in such pain and my PTSD symptoms are keeping me up, too.

I’m going to try and sleep. If not, I will write another blog until I pass out.

another wicked hot day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another wicked hot day

We are in the third day of 90+ degrees. I had to go out today to get my script at my PCP’s office. It was brutal after I spent all fucking morning waiting for the Verizon tech to fix my internet. He upgraded everything and I still don’t have it working. UGH!! So I am using my phone as my modem. Thank you Sprint for this service. I can’t stay too long on my laptop because I only have 10 GB of data. I hope to have my services back tomorrow.

My ankle is just about killing me now. I took a shower when I came home because I was a sweating mess. I turned the water to a colder temp and really cooled down but it caused cramps in my foot. It felt good on my head though. I didn’t stay in the cold water too long, though I would have loved to. It was very refreshing. I went to my room to get dressed because it was too hot downstairs.

I got my meds filled and I took them when I left the pharmacy because it’s been more than 24 hours since my last dose. I didn’t want to go through withdrawal. That is yucky. Looks like I came home just in time. The thunderstorms have started. I hope it cools off some, just for my mother’s sake. I worry with her blood sugar in this heat.

I was going to move things back to my room, but I am too tired and hot to do so. I will do it tomorrow. It’s supposed to be cooler, but then they said the same thing today and it was hotter. We’ll just have to see.

All I had to eat today was a turkey bacon sandwich at Starbucks. I might order a burger for dinner or maybe have a frozen dinner. I haven’t decided. I am getting hungry though. I would have made breakfast but I didn’t know what time the stupid tech was going to come. They said between 10 and 11 and he didn’t show up till around 1145. Then didn’t come up to my room till an hour later. He was shocked that I didn’t have a TV in my room. I told him I don’t watch it, just play on my laptop, which is why I need the damn net! Luckily, he didn’t comment on how messy my room is.

I am going to try and keep my printer on my desk. If I can keep a pathway to it, it shouldn’t be a problem. I had it on a chair before. That was only because I didn’t have access to my desk as shit was piled in front of it. I cleared a good chunk of it away and threw out a lot of old mail and recycled what I could. I figured whatever was on the floor was junk as it’s been there for at least 5 years, since my disability. I know the stuff on my desk I need as it’s stuff pertaining to my father’s death and my disability claims. I don’t know how long to keep them for but it’s only been at least three years. Eventually I will go through it and put it in a folders to organize it better. Who knows, I might actually be able to use my desk afterwards! I need to junk my desktop computer that I have. It’s a dinosaur now. I reformatted it the last time I used it so there is no useful files on it. I just can’t sit in a chair for too long anymore. I rather be on my laptop in my bed, where my “office” is shared on half of it. It’s a good thing I am not all over the bed when I sleep. I just stay in one position most of the night.

HOLY FUCKING WIND!! The house is shaking big time! It scares me. I never had a house shake from high winds before. I hope a tornado doesn’t happen.

Update, the high winds causes two trees to be knocker down, forcing the police to close my end of the street. My niece was on the news! She described what happened. She was so cute. I love her.

in a pissy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a pissy mood

I woke up around 0630 in severe pain. I went to the bathroom and my foot exploded. I wasn’t going to the hospital and emailed my psych. I have been using my phone and my net was working. Then I went on my laptop and it wasn’t. I had upgraded my services on Friday to lower my bill and while it is “pending”, I don’t have services. This was not explained to me and I was bullshit. Now I have to use my hotspot to use my laptop. I don’t need it for word but I do need it for my browsers. I am so aggravated.

Despite taking my pain meds, the pain has not gone down. It’s really hot out and muggy. I wanted a bowl of cereal for breakfast using my almond milk but it was frozen solid, again. I decided to use regular milk. I am tossing the almond milk because it’s been frozen and thawed a couple of times now. I don’t understand why as it’s the only thing that freezes in my fridge. It wasn’t even in the back of the fridge so I am at a loss.

I had hot dogs for lunch. And then I have been on the phone and net with Verizon to get my services back, or try to. A tech is coming out tomorrow so I need to clear the area around my desk. Not going to be fun. I have no idea where to put the things in front of my desk. I will have to disconnect my printer and put it somewhere. But the big box I have for my clothes, I don’t know where to put that or the clothes.

I took a heavy dose of Neurontin this morning to try and sleep. Some knucklehead called me around 0945 and woke me from my slumber and I have been up since. I am feeling weighed down and my back is hurting for some reason. I just want to sleep, not mess around my room.

I shaved the sides and back of my head, which gave me razor burn. I am not liking that too much. My niece helped straighten out the back as it was uneven. As she was doing it, I decided to tell her I was trans. She accepted me and it didn’t really come as a shock to her. She just wants me to be happy. It made me feel really good. She is the oldest niece and the first one I have some out to. I am slowly telling family members one by one.

Last week when I was in Walgreens, I saw a compression sleeve for my ankle that I wanted to try for my bad foot and Achilles. It was $13 and I just put it on. It’s really tight, tighter than the Tommie Copper brace that I have. I hope it helps. I am going to switch the sleeve tomorrow when I go out so my Achilles will be supported. I only got one because I wanted to try it first rather than buying two.

I might need some retail therapy today because I am in such a bad mood with all the stupid internet interruption.

Wicked hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot Sunday

The temps are in the 90s and I am miserable. I briefly went to a family event, where I was driving and it took all the energy out of me because I was stuck in traffic. The family event was near a popular beach so I knew there would be traffic, which is why I got the zipcar longer than I originally planned. I made it home with 45 minutes to spare once I hit the main road. I had a good time, the few hours I spent at my cousin’s. But my pain levels shot up and I had to leave. It was much too hot for me to be in the heat. Even while I was in the AC’d car, my neuropathy flared. That was fun.

I totally miscalculated my pain meds and if I don’t have my script ready tomorrow, I will run out come Tuesday. The script is for 28 days and it always messes me up by a few days. I don’t know why they just can’t give you a 30 day supply of meds. But I don’t make the rules. I have to abide by them. I think the heat wave should be over by Tuesday but it could be another 80 degree or more day. I am glad I had my brother in law put in the AC when he did or I would be dead. The nerve injury makes me totally intolerant of heat and it’s gotten worse every year. I mostly stay in my room because it’s the only room with AC. The rest of the house is hot and I just can’t deal.

The game is on late today, which sucks. Last night, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It was more than 4 hours and they just went 9 innings. Detroit pitching was so damn slow. We still won though, 11-3. I had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I wasn’t in too much pain until I laid down. Then my foot went berserk and the suicidal urges came back. I had a relatively low pain weekend, so I was thinking I didn’t need to go to the hospital tomorrow. Now I am rethinking those thoughts. I had emailed my psych about it. I always have a hard time coming to the decision to go in because I know my meds get screwed up more than how I am treated. Other than keeping me from acting on my urges, I don’t see a benefit to the aggravation of a med screw up.

I don’t have therapy this week because I cancelled. After last week’s session, I just couldn’t handle another week of him not being there for me. I just feel unsupported by him, something that I never thought I would say about a therapist. In all the years I have been going to therapy, this is the most unsupported I have felt. In many ways, I’d like my old therapist back. Least I knew she cared.

I took my night meds early because I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be staying up to hear about the game. I want to go to bed early. The game usually winds me up and I find it hard to sleep afterwards, especially as I know they will be playing well past 2300. Much too late as I run the risk of being up all night. I get my second wind and it’s all down hill after that.