Category: chronic physical pain

feeling grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

No Sleep Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Sleep Wednesday

I barely got any sleep last night and when I did, my alarm went off. My groceries were delivered early this morning. I put them all away and was savoring making a burger after my therapy appointment. I had some turkey breast deli meat with some dark chocolate almond milk for breakfast. The almond milk was so damn good. I think I like it better than the vanilla with honey.

Therapy went okay. She was late by almost ten minutes but I still had my time with her. We talked about my sleep and about my ankle. I finally found out what the lump is. It’s a bony formation called enthesophyte. It is really painful and will be needing surgery. I am not looking forward to that. There is also the chance my tendon may be damage from it. It is caused by stress. The ankle service called me this morning so I have an appointment in a few weeks. I think I am going to have to have an MRI to make sure my Achilles is intact. Until then, I will keep doing what I have been doing. Staying off it as much as possible so it doesn’t hurt.

I told my therapist I was sending my psychiatrist blogs left and right. I know I wrote one while I was up at 0230. I don’t know if I sent it to my psych or not. I know I didn’t send it to my therapist. There are somethings I will send to her and others I won’t. I did email my psych to let her know about my ankle. I have no idea what time it was. I know I also told her my sleep sucks but I don’t think it’s medication related. I just have a weird sleep pattern. My therapist kept asking me if I had a dream that woke me up. If I did, I completely forgot it. She must have asked me several times. I just woke up at around 0230 and that was it. After I fell asleep at midnight. I was up for a few hours before I went back to sleep around 0500.

Today marks a month that my father passed away. I keep thinking I need to go to his apartment tomorrow to do his meds but there is nothing I need to do. I have the whole day to myself. And Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I need to get a haircut tomorrow so I think I will hold off on showering until then. I hope I get the same barber as I did last month. I got a real nice cut from him.

I ordered John Adams from Netflix DVD. It’s a 3 disc set but they only sent me the first disc. I am going to watch it tonight. I have been looking forward to this movie for quite some time. I hope I am not disappointed.

I fixed the problem with Amazon but they are still shipping my items separately as well as charging me individually. I am so annoyed. At least it’s free shipping. I just have to pay for the tax. I bought a new watch as the one I had is old and I think the battery is going to die soon. If there was a jeweler’s place that had watch repairs, I would just replace the battery but all those places closed in my area. It really sucks. I ordered a psychology book from a seller but it doesn’t look like they have shipped it yet. I expedited shipping on it because I really want it sooner rather than later. I figure I can read it when I go to Starbucks. I can have my study session there. I don’t know what else to do with my time.

Saturday Blog 50

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 50

I woke up in severe pain in my foot this morning. It started off as a cramp and escalated to pain. I have been sleeping most of the day because the pain meds make me sleepy. I feel okay now. Pain is still there but it’s at a much tolerable level, say a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1-10. Only things that I ate today was a tuna sandwich and an Ensure. I think I am going to have another Ensure for my dinner. I don’t feel like making or having anything else.

My brother-in-law is a fink. Our bathroom heater fan went yesterday so he says “it’s too hot to use that is why it’s not working”. No, dumbass. It will work despite the heat because I have accidently turned it on the hottest of summer days. The thing is broken and you are just too lazy to fucking fix it. Unreal. When I heard that explanation, I was pissed. I still am.

I found the grief counselor’s card in one of my jeans pockets. I will give her a call Monday sometime after my psychiatrist’s appointment. I want to make sure that my psych is on board with me talking with her before I call her.

Today just sucked. I really didn’t do anything but sleep and have weird dreams. My last dream, I was at work and I was supposed to get all the money counted and sorted for send out. This is weird because the lab where I worked, was a blood lab. We did not deal with money. My cousins were in the dream as well. They were emptying their purses that were filled with coins. I remember feeling overwhelmed in the dream because people just kept on adding to my workload and the guy that left me in charge didn’t leave me any wrappings or anything to bundle the money to ship out. I was worried that the destination where this money was going to be sent would be rejected and I would lose my job over it. Strange dream.

I think I got everything I need to get for my grocery order. I got some grapefruit as it has been a long time since I had some. I also got some ground beef as I want to try and make a Bolognese sauce. It will be the first time making it. I hope it comes out good. I also bought hamburgers and avocados. I really can’t wait to have the burger the way that I am imagining it. I just wish I had some onion rings to go with it.

I returned the DVD from NetFlix. It was the only time I went out today. It was really nice out. I should have went to the Square to have a coffee. They came out with a new Brazil lot that is pretty good. I want to try it iced the next time I go to Starbucks. I don’t think I am going to buy this kind for home. I still have plenty of the other Brazil coffee and Pike’s.

A Beautiful Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Beautiful Mind

I watched this movie tonight because one of the actors also played in Stargate SG1. It has been a while since I last saw it and it is such a good movie. I could relate a lot to what the main character was going through because I have had to deal with delusions and medications and hospitalizations. I knew when I was 16 that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. It’s not always easy to take them and I have stopped them for a while only to be back on them.

Ten years ago I was in a horrible, deep, severe depression. I had stopped my meds which only made things worse. My psychiatrist asked me to do her a “favor” and it was to go back on my meds. Within a few weeks, I was feeling remarkably different. I wasn’t 100% better, but I felt like I could face the world again. I knew then that I couldn’t stop my meds ever again and I have been taking them consistently, for the most part. There have been nights where I don’t take them but they are far and in between.

I am glad that the increase in the sertraline has helped my mood and physical symptoms of depression. My appetite, I think, is back to normal. I will be placing an order for groceries next week. I ordered burgers and avocados. I am planning on making my favorite burger from my favorite burger joint. The only thing missing is the onion rings, but I can make do without. I am actually looking forward to making something to eat where before it was a chore and I had absolutely no interest at all. I should have gone up on the sertraline sooner but I like being cautious. I really didn’t want to get sick off the meds so I did the increase slowly. I just hope that I can stay at the dose for a while and it doesn’t make me sick.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I hope that I don’t stress her out because I need two prescriptions, one of which I need a hard copy because it is a controlled substance. I am not sure she has figure out how to print off scripts with the new system. I am hoping she has. I don’t know why they had to change systems across Partners institutions. No one likes this new system, but they are stuck with it, unfortunately.

I am fighting sleep. I really want Morpheus to knock me out and come take me away but he is missing. I wasn’t planning on staying up this late but I just can’t seem to relax enough to lie down. I read what I wrote in my last blog as someone left a comment that has me perplexed. I approved it because it wasn’t bad or anything of the sort. But after I read my blog, I understood the comment a little better. I didn’t realize my last paragraph had such a powerful ending. It started the movie playing again, and I don’t mean “A Beautiful Mind”. I just really can’t stop thinking about my father’s death sometimes and once it’s on my brain, I can’t get it out. I have tried distraction but that hasn’t been working too well for me lately. Music has helped. But it’s late and I don’t want to activate my brain with lyrics. I really need some classical music or something soothing to listen to that doesn’t have words that I can analyze to death. I know I should write down the “movie” in my notepad so I can finish it but not at this hour. I am too tired to get triggered by memories of that day. I know it’s there anyways but I don’t want to revisit it right now.

I bought a shirt a month ago and I just recently received it. It was in support of Michael Dorn, the actor that played Worf in the Next Gen series of Star Trek. I thought I ordered an XL. I got a 4XL that is swimming on me. I had no idea it was so huge. I like it though because it is very comfortable. Maybe it will shrink if I wash it a few times.

Well, I think the pain meds have finally kicked in from more than an hour ago. Morpheus, if you’re out there, please come find me!