Category: chronic physical pain

heart doesn’t know to stop beating

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Visited my father. It’s been one thing after another today. He was not in a talkative mood when we came by to see him. I think it was because he was hungry. He had half of the chicken they served for lunch and then he was full. He didn’t drink too much while we were there. My sister tried to get him to drink water but nope. He needs to undergo more testing and then he might be home Monday.

I am hurting. I am starting to think that going out today was probably not a good idea. I did a lot of walking. My ankle and foot are screaming at me. I had gone to the Square to get my Starbucks. I had a soy latte and did some writing in my journal. Then went to see my father. I was falling asleep on the train. I wanted to continue the train ride to the end of the stop rather than getting off, but I had to see my father and get a better understanding of what the plan was.

I have been feeling really depressed the past few days, more so than usual. I keep thinking of the loss of my father but I really can’t imagine it happening anytime soon. I was talking to a friend and she says I got to deal with it. I can’t right now. I haven’t thought about suicide or anything. I still don’t want to be here but killing myself is too much trouble. Soon as I can make it easy I will try though. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I am going to get better. I mean, how many depressive episodes am I to endure? My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s a disability but I can’t work, I don’t have energy for self-care. I barely shower when I have these episodes or brush my teeth. I feel like death except I am alive. My heart just doesn’t know to stop beating. I am in chronic pain all the time, which doesn’t help the depressions because they feed off each other. I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

I don’t think I will be visiting my father tomorrow unless my sister gives me a ride in. Taking public transportation has just been too much. I am in so much pain. I am exhausted from waiting around and then dealing with the stress of my father’s temperament. You never know if he is going to explode or not. And he wants everything done quickly. I really want my depression to be gone as quickly as it came but I have a feeling it’s going to be sticking around for sometime. I am not hopeful that the sertraline is going to help. I am still at a baby dose. I don’t increase it till Monday. Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too.

Long exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long exhausting day

I had the appointment with my father and he got admitted. He was peaceful after he had something to eat. He didn’t give us any trouble like he did on Monday. I did a lot of walking as I had to drop off paperwork to my PCP’s office. I am going to try and get her to sign off on me being disabled because I can’t seem to get the information I need from SSD, which to me is ridiculous.

My father was in one building where he was seen by his doc and where he was admitted was like 10 blocks away. I had to walk fast to keep up with the volunteer that was escorting my father to his room. My ankle is fucking killing me. I felt like I walked all over the hospital, which I did. Trouble is, with a bum ankle, things are harder. Then while walking with my sister to the train station, I got the dry heaves. Migraine hit me. I didn’t get dizzy but I got really nauseous and then when the conductor loudly spoke announcements, my head exploded. I was miserable on the ride home.

My sister wanted to eat out but I was broke and nauseous so food wasn’t an option. I told her I would eat a pop tart when I got home. Though at this point it might be a hot dog. But I got to wait till this damn headache is gone and I can walk without pain.

My psychiatrist emailed me today to see how things are going. I told her what was happening. I also asked the resident if he thought my father was in liver failure and he said no. I was relieved. I didn’t tell my psych this. I will when I talk to her next.

Walgreens app, text, and email keeps telling me I need refills. What is annoying is that it doesn’t fucking tell me what medication needs to be refilled! I appreciate the alerts but without knowing what medication it is, it just isn’t helpful! I know I need a bunch. I think I got most of my meds on the same schedule, which is good because until June, I have to pay copays for them. I can just pay for all of them at once rather than one here and there.

I got really mad at my mother this morning. She kept on calling me when I was trying to go back to sleep. She wanted me to call her out for her appointment. I was so annoyed. Then she kept on playing her dice game that just irritated me further. I hate noise in the morning. I am not a morning person. It’s bad enough that today is trash day so I have to listen to hydraulics for most of the morning but to hear die hitting a glass tabletop is just annoying. And she does this over and over and over.

I didn’t have any caffeine today. I think that might be a reason why I got a headache. Right now I am in a lot of pain. I don’t think I am going to make something to eat. My choices are slim and what I really want, I can’t get.

Felt like crap last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Felt like crap last night

Last night was rough for me. I was overtired. I kept thinking about what my therapist and psychiatrist were saying about my father. I couldn’t settle down because my ankle kept being a bitch. Every time I laid down and move it a little bit to get comfortable, it caused me so much pain. This happens every single night. I move it this way, it hurts. I move it that way, it hurts. I leave it still, it hurts. Because I was so overtired and doped up on my pain meds, I felt nauseous. The voices freaked out. They thought it was because of the Zoloft but I assured them it couldn’t be because the pill peaks in eight hours and it hadn’t been close to four yet. I took another Ativan so my thoughts could settle. I am so glad I didn’t have another espresso drink when I went to Starbucks before seeing my the new PCP. I would never have fallen asleep last night.

I got about 5 hours of sleep. But I am worried about today. My father has agreed to be admitted if they tell him he needs to be (which he does as his breathing sucks right now and he has pain all over). I don’t know if his lung is any worse that is making the breathing worse. He will need a chest x-ray to sort that out. Either way, today is going to be a long fucking day and I have had little sleep.

I woke up because I was roasting under the covers. I checked Twitter and there is a storm on its way. I didn’t look at the numbers because it’s supposed to happen Monday but could go out to sea still. There you have it. Weathermen at their bests, calling a storm that hasn’t arrived yet and freaking everyone out. We are going to be out of milk and bread for days. I, of course, have to be out of the house Monday. I have my pain management appointment.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. But it’s hard because I feel so awake. I know that if I do, I will feel like shit like I always do when I go back to sleep. I need to get as much rest as possible as today is going to be a long day.

I’m Atypical

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m Atypical

My third appointment for the day was for my new PCP. She seems nice and knowledgeable. She diagnosed my dizzy spells as atypical migraine, meaning instead of getting the headache, I get dizzy. Aren’t I lucky!? She also looked at the labs at my request and noted my potassium was low. She wants to have it rechecked next week when I see the NP. She also will be sending a note to my psychiatrist. Why, I don’t remember. I think it had to do with taking the amerge for the migraines as it can interfere with the sertraline. So now I got to be careful when I get a migraine. Shit. Forgot about this side effect. Fuck. My psych is going to flip.

Spoke to my psychiatrist about my father. She thinks he is in liver failure. I am in denial, only because his alt/ast are normal (liver function tests). But I could be dead wrong. Guy is going to die if he doesn’t get the fluid out of him, and soon. He is seeing his doctor tomorrow. I made the appointment today. Beats having to go next week. This will be trip 3 to the hospital this week. I might as well stay at the holiday inn around the corner, I am there so often.

Had therapy today. My therapist wants me to deal with the impending bereavement of my father. Fat chance. I killed him off when I was younger. His physical body just isn’t in the ground or urn to make it complete. There is nothing I feel about him other than anger. Hell, I have gone on to call him fuckface now because he angers me so damn much. I give him a year to live, sooner if he doesn’t listen to his damn doctors.

I couldn’t believe she brought this up. I am glad I don’t have to deal with her until next week. I might see her on Wed if I can finagle it. It’s been almost two months since I last saw her in person. I was supposed to see her this month but my father screwed that up.

I slept pretty good today, though I am exhausted now. I left the house at 0800 and didn’t return until 1700. I tried writing in my journal but my thoughts were so slow and I couldn’t think of anything to write. Then when I did write, it took me an hour and half to write a page and a half. It’s painful to write these days. I hope the Zoloft helps. I am not sure I can go on like this. I feel like I am living in a crater and every time I try to get out, I get sucked back in. My psych said that I am depressed because of my biological vulnerabilities and my stupid ass father. I don’t know why both my psych team are dwelling on my damn father. Leave him alone and he will go away, though I was telling my therapist today he is like a boil that keeps returning. Just when you think it’s safe, the boil comes back. I was telling my psych today that the reason he refused treatment on Monday was because he wasn’t spoken to by medical personnel in the ER. If a nurse had talked to him or something, he probably would have consented to being admitted. But nope. His ego wasn’t stroked and it didn’t help that my idiot sister was telling him there were other patients besides him they had to get to before him. He got mad and so left, AMA (against medical advice).

My brother in law just called to say that he is downstairs. I asked if he was ok. He said he was. I said good, I will see him tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck. Why should I spend time with him? A son shouldn’t have to ask for a relationship with his father. I love that quote.