Category: chronic physical pain

Happy New Year 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year to my blog readers. I don’t feel particularly happy. Damn depression is just awful. Taylor Swift came out with a new video and I wanted to share it because I think it’s one of her best videos yet.

Someone read a blog that I wrote about stigma and ice cream. I think I am going to include it in my book even though it’s less than 500 words. There’s an important message in the blog and I think it will be cool to write it in my book. That is one page down. Another 148 to go.

I wanted to be asleep by midnight but that didn’t happen. I was catching the scores of the Bama game. They killed the Spartans 38-0 and will advance to the National Championship game. I was hoping OSU would be playing that game but it wasn’t in the cards. OSU will be playing today at 1300. I can’t wait to watch the game. I have been looking forward to this game for a month now.
I had a cup of chamomile tea to try and ease my worries that I have about a relationship that I need to end. It’s not really a relationship, just a friendship that I don’t feel comfortable with any more. I wish my therapist were here so that I could talk to her about it. I also have been listening to Mary Chapin as she soothes me. Her voice is so calming.

I have been feeling really shitty still. My leg isn’t any better going down stairs and I am very worried about what they will find on the MRI. I am also worried about who will take care of me now that my PCP is gone. I am fearful that I just will be pushed aside or not taken seriously. I have to make an appointment with the new doc so that at least we know each other. I will have to do that on Monday. I am just afraid that I will have to wait a long time to see her. I just had a physical with my old PCP so I can’t even see her for that. I don’t know what I will see her for. Maybe I will just say a hi visit so she can know me? If I want her to fill in some paperwork that I will be needing, she has to know me. I really am mad at my old PCP for leaving.

I know it’s late but I feel like having a cheeseburger. I didn’t have dinner, well I did. I had a bowl of cereal. But that was hours ago. It’s almost 0100. I should be sleeping instead of having a burger. I got to learn self-control. I am really surprised my night meds haven’t knocked me out. I really hate that I am still awake because I know that I won’t fall asleep until after 0200. Think I will read Far From The Tree. I was hoping to finish that book by the end of the week but the damn depression ruined those plans for me. I hate when the depression affects my ability to read.

Hope all of you had a safe and Happy new year.

venting ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle has been bothering me all fucking day. Seems every time I am close to getting to sleep, it flares up angrily, like I wanted to use it or something. Or maybe it’s mad that I am resting it. I don’t know. It just hurts and I don’t know why. I never know why. Three years and no one has been able to tell me why. They think it’s this, that, but it doesn’t change the treatment or course. I think it is a little bit of complex regional pain syndrome. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome as I do have pain and swelling. I can’t walk as far as I used to because of pain. It just sucks.

I need to go out tomorrow to my father’s. His weekly visit. I wish I could stop doing this every week but out of obligation, I do it.

In addition to this lovely irritable mood that I have been in, I think I am getting my menses. Just what I fucking need to start off the New Year. It makes me depressed and pissed off. I guess that is why I gained so much weight. It’s probably all from feeling bloated. I hate being in this body so fucking much. Another year to remind me I am in the wrong body. It totally messes with my head and how I feel.

I wish I could just spontaneously combust so I wouldn’t have to think about killing myself. Of course, planning your death isn’t the same as going through with it. I plan and plan yet I am still fucking here. A 22 year-old died the other day while swimming. Just like that he was gone. Why couldn’t that happen to me? Why must I fucking live this life I so don’t want to live? I wish I didn’t have the SSD review hanging over my head. I just don’t know if I am disabled “enough” to meet their requirements. I still don’t know if I got it based on my physical and/or mental disability. I wish I knew so I could fill in the right doctors for their consents and stuff. I just hate waiting. And I also worry that I will have to see their doctor. That will fucking suck. And I am in so much pain more at night than during the day. The depression is year round so I don’t have to worry about that. I just worry that I will be denied and then I will be screwed financially.

I wish my therapist were here. I so need to talk to her. I have been texting her but I never get a response. Of course, she is out of office so why would she respond? Nothing I have been texting her needs a response anyways. I think this is the first time that I haven’t thought about leaving her. Usually, I always plan my escape when she is on vacation. It’s my way of getting away from her permanently. But she never usually allows a cancellation. And if I do need to cancel, she wants to make up that time.

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a month. She had her hip replaced the beginning of December. I am scheduled to see her next Friday. It will be good to see her again. I miss her, too. We have been emailing each other. She does respond and she tells me she is doing well. It’s kind of sad that when I see her next, I will be the one with the cane. I still can’t trust my leg. I don’t know how much of it is mental at this point. I just know there is a security there and I need that. Plus, my leg doesn’t hurt as much if I have that extra support. Wish I could say the same for my ankle.

I read a horribly written blog yesterday. It was by one of my BPD chat friends. There were a ton of run on sentences. And the grammar was just horrible. I want to say something but I don’t want to offend her. I am not close to her so I am not sure she will accept criticism well.

I cannot believe that I have done nothing but lie in bed all day and my ankle is screaming at me. I so want to tell it off, like what the hell are you hurting for when I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I didn’t overuse it. I didn’t go up and down stairs a million times. What the fuck gives??

Because I was a lazy bastard, I have to return a calendar I bought from Amazon. It was way bigger than I thought it would be. I should have known that a 12×17 wouldn’t fit on my wall. It would but I would have to move it over and put another nail in the wall. Too much effort for a lazy person when I don’t need that big of a calendar to begin with. I am an idiot. I was too lazy to get up to see the SKU for the calendar I do have. Now I have to go to Harvard to go to my favorite stationary store to get the calendar I need, which is what I should have done to begin with. I thought Amazon would get me what I needed and now it didn’t. I am a lazy bastard.

fears are rampant

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Just when I thought my fears were behind me, they were right there in front of me all along. I woke up from my nap and had to pee really bad. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. Not really good with someone with a nerve injury but it was too late to go to my sister’s apartment to use her bathroom. I didn’t have to wait too long and when I sat on the toilet, I couldn’t go. I already had retention on starting, but it seems to be getting worse. I was trying to relax so I could go and eventually I did but it wasn’t a powerful stream and it seemed to take forever to empty my bladder. Least I hope it is empty. I don’t know what this means, well, I kind of do. Tomorrow I need to push up the MRI date. If the disc is affecting my nerves to bladder, that can only mean trouble. I really don’t want to have to cath. I know people do, but it always leads to infections and such.

I haven’t had a number 2 either lately. I am always constipated so I don’t know if this is just a missed day or what. I am fearful though. I took a senna tonight to get the ball moving again. I didn’t take one last night because I forgot. I am back to my hodgepodge med taking week. I’m just taking whatever I feel like taking because I am too lazy to fill my pill box.

I hope this was a one time thing, that my fears that my bladder function is in peril is just that, a fear. I don’t think I can stand the poking and prodding to deal with this, just to move up my MRI in the ER. The thing is, I should have excruciating back pain like I did the last time I had CES and I don’t. I have a little pain but it’s not excruciating. It’s minor compared to what my ankle feels like.

I wish my therapist was here so I can talk to her about this. I can email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. She’ll probably tell me to go to the ER anyways, something I don’t want to do, especially right before the New Year. I’d rather have a psych admission than go to the ER for this. I guess I should be grateful that it’s not the other extreme where I lose control of my bladder all together. That is something that has been terrifying me the last 15 years or so.

Nyquil is kicking in. Maybe I can just sleep on it and this will all be just a dream.

Random 678

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.

I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.

One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.

Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.

I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.

I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.

I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.

I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.

All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.