Category: chronic physical pain

An Impatient Toddler and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I really should take a nap. I had a difficult morning. The bus to the Square was late and I didn’t get my coffee like I wanted to. Then I had to deal with a toddler (father), who is impatient. All he did was complain and make assumptions that weren’t true. I just had excuses why I was “late”. I was in fact on time as the appointment wasn’t till 10:15 and I got there around 10. It wasn’t my fault the bus didn’t come when it was supposed to and it certainly wasn’t my fault the damn train was going slow as molasses the whole fucking way through the tunnels. I actually think molasses would have been traveling faster than this train. I was waiting for it to stop completely and really be delayed. I was already annoyed. I haven’t had my coffee, I was running a little late (which I hate), and the damn check in took forever. They had three people and two kept being on the phone. Then one guy cut me off, which really pissed me off. Once everything was said and done, my father was given his contrast drink and he drank it like it was going out of style. Way too fast. Then he started the second and started to feel sick. He wanted me to throw it away. I said no so he got up and threw it away! That was the last straw. If he didn’t care about his damn scans then so fucking be it. Neither am I. I don’t give a fuck. I am so aggravated. I need an Ativan to calm down. My foot is killing me because the bus ride home was fucking late and they had traffic so I stopped at a stop farther away from my house. One of the side streets had a fire hydrant going and guess who stepped in a puddle deeper than I thought it was?? This guy! My foot was soaked. I really had this day. Oh and did I mention I only had about four fucking hours of sleep??

I had the writing bug last night and didn’t go to sleep until 0300. I then woke up around 7. I was glad I wrote what I did. It really helped me. I didn’t get feedback on it like I was hoping but then that is the nature of the beast. Sometimes I do, and other times, I don’t. I sent it to my therapist. I thought about sending it to my psychiatrist but I am seeing her on Friday and can fill her in. I already told her that we cannot talk about baseball, at all. It is too upsetting for me. We won the first two games of the series with MN and then lost the 3rd game. The guy was throwing strikes so he should have been burned severely, but no one was swinging the bat. It was so frustrating. I also need to remember that I need refills on my meds! That is the most important thing.

I am really hungry, even though I just had lunch an hour ago. I don’t know what I am going to make now. Maybe some rice with peas and carrots. I took out hamburger for tomorrow. I will enjoy that for dinner. I am such a carnivore.

Writing Bug and Suicidal Risk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide

Writing bug and Suicide Risk

I have the insatiable need to write. I thought about journaling but I don’t feel like entering my thoughts in a private journal. What I have to say is too important. It is about my suicidal feelings. I am torn, really torn, about what to do with them. I am in no danger tonight. But I picked a date and that date is slowly approaching. I have been trying not to think about it but it’s in the back of my head. I keep thinking/telling myself I don’t have to go through with this. That I can make it through. A friend of mine would be crushed without my help. And would be devastated with my loss. I can’t help but feel trapped. Like I can’t take my life because people need me to be here and I don’t want to be here any more. It’s a struggle I have been dealing with for years. I am tired of fighting this. I just want to give in to my thoughts, to not exist anymore. It’s painful to breathe. I am tired of the heaviness on my chest and the accompanying chest pains that magically appear and disappear on their own. Sometimes an Ativan is needed to get rid of these pains. I know it’s my anxiety when the pain goes away and the heaviness lessens.

Right now I feel like I am a burden to myself. I almost told my therapist today that I don’t want to meet twice a week anymore. I know she wouldn’t approve. She knows I have a date but I have not given it to her. I just can’t because I know she will try and stop me. It’s not like she is going to be okay with me dying by suicide. No therapist will. Then I have the agony of sending a copy of my book to a former therapist. If I send it now and she tries to get in touch with me after I die, I know the book was written in vain. Some writer I am. I write how much this process has helped me, how CAMS has helped me and then I kill myself? Good going. It just doesn’t make sense. I am afraid. I am afraid of getting older and I don’t want to live because I never wanted to be an adult. But my support system kept on telling me I was worth it and I believed them. So I am still here today.

I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. It is written in the statistics of suicide research. I fit every model. I am high risk because I have attempted multiple times, I have an abuse history, I am transgender, and I am hopelessly depressed. All these factors are not good in assessing suicide risk. The only thing I have not done is give away my most prized possessions. Though I really don’t have any. I have my suicide library that I value dearly but it hasn’t helped me deal with my suicide thoughts. I have not been cured of them and as one person in my life has said, I never will. I will always have these thoughts of ending my life. But do I have to act on them? Should I just let them fester until they boil over? I don’t know. Right now I am calm. I am just going through the motions of life as if I were living without thinking of taking my life. No one knows except my therapist and psychiatrist. (And now the blogosphere.) I really want to end my life yet I still want something from it. What I want, I don’t know what that is. I would love to complete my degree but I don’t have the money for it. I don’t even know if the stress of school will activate my paranoia and psychosis again. I do want to write another book. But I have no ideas. They are few and far between. Then I think I should go back to the hospital where I will be safe and possibly be able to think of something to write. But why bother with that if I just want to end my life in a month and a half or so. I am so torn. Ambivalence is such a bitch. And it’s not like you can do a pro/con thing when contemplating ending your life. Every time I do it, I seem to have more pros than cons. There are reasons why I want to end my life. I don’t want to be in chronic physical pain anymore. I don’t want to have psychache. I don’t want to live because I just can’t tolerate my self hate. I can’t tolerate being a woman when my brain keeps telling me I am a man. And the only reason I have not gone through with transition is because my mother won’t accept me as a man. So I rather die as her daughter than her son. I have nothing else to live for. I am only alive to keep my therapist and family happy. They know my suffering. I guess they rather see me suffer than to be dead. I have been fighting this depression for a really long time. I have been suicidal since I was eight. I first attempted when I was ten. That was thirty years ago. I think that is a long time to suffer from a depression that defies treatment. No pill alleviates my suffering and I have been on many. I am just a hopeless case.

I thought about sending this to my therapist but I am not going to. It is written by me and not my alter, Hyde. I am very tired but I am not in pain, least not physically. My brain just wouldn’t shut off until I wrote this stuff out. Now I am feeling sleepy and I think I can call it a night. These suicidal thoughts that come out are my midnight demons. They come out after midnight and I am truly in their grip. My heart is heavy and there is nothing I can take to make it light. My world is dark and gray. It has been like this for a very long time.

New Phone and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Phone and Other Things

I finally got my new phone. I am going to cringe when I get my first bill. They told me it will be $40 more than what I am paying but I didn’t see that in my contract so we’ll see. I am very tired as I walked a long way to get the phone because I didn’t have a car to get me there. I did alright but I am sure going to be sore tomorrow. I placed the phone in the otterbox. Now I can’t get it out! The buttons don’t match up with the phone. UGH. I am going to have to take it to the store and see if they can fit it right because I don’t want to bend or break my phone! Just opening the box was a tricky thing!

I still am getting grief because I refuse to change my FB profile pic. My cousin just told me to “be happy”. FUCK YOU. Depression is what I have. I can’t be happy even if I wanted to. I rather be content but I don’t even get that at times. I am so tired of fighting this depression all the time and then having to deal with stigma, because that is what it is. If I was having a physical illness, they wouldn’t tell me to buck up or be happy. It just sucks. I really am angry at my cousin for saying that but then she is a bitch, so I have to try and take it with a grain of salt. I shut off the FB browser that I had open. I am sick of FB. I miss my game so badly and I think that is what is contributing to my depression. Sure, I play poker now and then, but I lose 20 hands to every 3 I win. It’s not fun losing.

Still rainy today, and much colder. They said the temp was going to drop over the next few days. I hope it downpours tonight so the baseball game is canceled. But since I have been out, no rain at all. It is going to be painful to watch them play if the game stays on. It just started raining! YAY!!

I have therapy today. I asked for an extra session, which is probably going to bite me in the ass but my mood sucks so it is justified. Might write another blog about it if I am up to it. I am really tired so who knows. I am planning on taking my meds early tonight. The walk that I took to the Sprint store was WAY out of my league but I did it. I am proud that I was able to do it. I just wish I could do it every day. I would love to sit at Station Landing Starbucks rather than Davis. But getting to Davis is easier than Sta. Landing. Maybe when I get up to my walking distance, I will start going there to get my walking in. It has to be at least a mile walk to the Landing. It will be good exercise for me. According to the walking tracker I have, I did almost an hour walking. I probably won’t be able to do that two days in a row, but I think I can manage now that the weather is nicer. That is if I can convince myself to leave my room every day or every other day. It will have to depend on my pain levels. Everything depends on my pain levels.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!