Category: depression

Sleepy and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Sleepy and tired

I didn’t do much yesterday other than go to my father’s to fill his medication box. I don’t know why he can’t do it but it is better that I do it so that I know he is taking his meds.

I have been so exhausted the last few days. After coming home and having dinner last night, I just passed out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Today I plan on just sleeping until the Pats game starts. I think my sister is having people over but I am not sure. I thought I would write a blog now as I might not have a chance later.

The other night my mood was bad. I was fighting the demons and sleep, not a good combo. I wanted to read “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman but all I did was thumb through the parts that I had highlighted and then tweeted them on Twitter. I then posted the ten commonalities of suicide, which was difficult. The last two, commonalities 9 and 10 were a tight fit because it almost exceeded the 140 character limit. I would post this book on my “useful book” page but it’s really got some words that maybe hard to follow on. I have read Shneidman’s works before so I am used to his vocabulary. Other’s might not understand his thinking.

I had tweeted that my suicidality was peaking and got a response from a fellow tweeter. He said that things will be better in the morning. I knew that was true but that didn’t help me now, in that moment. I felt awful and suicide was consistently on my mind. I wasn’t in imminent danger but I just could not stop thinking about ending my life and how bad my life was. The worst part of this, was that I could not express myself on Twitter like I can on my blog, but I couldn’t write on my blog either. I felt like words were strangling me, trying to come out but didn’t have an outlet. I felt trapped and isolated, like a bug on an agar plate. I had felt intense despair, hopelessness, anguish, and worthlessness all at once. It was terrible. And I couldn’t sleep because thoughts were keeping me up. I eventually took some Ativan and that calmed me down enough to sleep. But it was a terrible night.

I haven’t had breakfast yet and plan to soon as my mother leaves the house. I might make coffee today. Maybe that will wake me up enough so I don’t go back to sleep. I don’t understand why I am so tired. I slept good, even had a couple of weird dreams. I just took my morning meds and if it causes me to be more tired than I am, then I know the extra baclofen is the reason. The doc increased it when I saw him last.

Yesterday I did my exercises. I didn’t have too much pain so I think I am doing them right. I hope this continues. I see the PT again on Wed. It is going to be tight because I see her in the morning and then I have my therapist in the afternoon. I literally have an hour to get home or I am going to miss my next appt. I hope I make it home in time. I should as long as the trains and buses are running on time.

I can’t wait for the Pats game tonight. They are playing the Colts and I hate the Colts, especially their QB, Luck. I also hope the Packers win against the Seahawks.

Something in the Water

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Something in the Water

I have been obsessed with this song since hearing it on the radio a few times the other day. I wish YouTube had a repeat function because it would save me from hitting play again and again. The choreography in this video is pretty neat as well. I find it to be a very uplifting song.

Went to PT. She did ultrasound on my ankle and then wrapped it in an ace bandage to see if that helped, but not before doing a few stretching/strengthening exercises. One of the exercises I have no idea if I am moving my ankle or not. My proprioception is so off. She noticed that when I did it, my toes began shaking. She said that was because my ankle is weak. Well, duh! Tell me something I don’t friggin know. I asked if that was the reason why the bottom of my foot did the same thing when I did the stand on one foot exercise. She said most likely. Great. I am going to give this run another 4 weeks to see if I have any improvement, even though I feel pretty hopeless about it. I just think that if my ankle was going to get better, I would have seen improvements by now. But then, I really have just been a lump on a log, not doing anything to help my pain except being in inactive. I told her that doing stairs or any activity is going to bring me pain. We’ll see in 4 weeks if I am better. She didn’t bring up aqua therapy and I am not going for it. It’s too bloody cold out to be wet.

I have a new problem that occurred today. I think my buttock is getting weak. I had a sneeze attack today while going up the stairs and by the time I got to my room, I felt like my butt couldn’t hold me up while standing. Sitting, I am fine, though it feels more like I am sitting on a pillow than a group of muscles. It just feels different to me and I am worried that a disc has herniated again. I am not having any of the other red flags of CES, so I am not petrified. I am hoping it is just because I am tired because I did a lot of walking today. After PT I went to Starbucks for my coffee and a bite to eat. I am not in pain but then I don’t know if my butt is numb or not. I can still feel it when I run my hand up and down but I don’t know if the muscles on the inside are getting numb. It always worries me because I know I have a disc that is touching my nerve root. So sneezing is going to bring me some difficulty. I don’t stifle the sneeze because that isn’t good for you.

I had a hard time waking up today. It was a good thing my app that reminds me to take my meds woke me up or I would have slept the day away and missed my PT appointment. I just could not wake up. I know part of the reason is that I went to bed late. I had gone to bed around 2300, only to wake up around 0130. I then played my game until my pain meds kicked in, which was at least two hours later. But I just did not want to get up. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I really have not had a day that I have done that. I have been doing some timed missions on my game so it has been occupying more space in my head. I should have requested some stuff before leaving the house, but I didn’t have time. I didn’t even have time to shower today. I will maybe later, if my hip/butt doesn’t hurt me. I need to go to my father’s tomorrow for his weekly pill box filling. So I can’t be “smelling”.

Shout out to LPS who reconnected to my blog via other bloggers. Love that people read my blog. I just hope that people find it useful. Otherwise, I am wasting my time.

Twitter Rant 01.10.2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

People seem to think that my writing of suicide is what leads me to think about suicide. It’s quite the opposite. It helps me to think of ways to control my suicidality and work against the dark feelings by expressing myself in a clinical way. By me thinking of this as clinical, it helps me compartmentalize the feelings so they aren’t so powerful that I do impulsive things. But then I am fighting the stigma that talking about suicide, leads to suicide and that is hurtful. By my writing about coping with suicide I not only free myself of the thoughts, but I may also help someone in the process. That is my goal when I share my papers about Edwin Shneidman and David Jobes. Their work about psychache and CAMS (collaborating, assessment, and management of suicidality) really help me focus on not killing myself. If we talk about suicide like we do cancer survival, maybe we might decrease the suicide rate. if suicide wasn’t a taboo topic anymore, there might be some healing and actually lead to more discussion and openness.

Broken Routines

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I got an email from TiVo saying that I could get a lifetime product for their new Roamio sets. I would love to upgrade to a new system as mine is over 12 years old. It still works good and all but I think it is time for an upgrade so I can record more shows at the same time. But, alas, I can’t afford the Roamio and the offer is only good until Jan 28th. Rats.

I was reading an old blog that I wrote almost two years ago about clutter. In it, I described my current life situation where I have clothes and papers all over the place without a home. I am unable to find a home because I don’t have a place to put them. So they just stay in piles. I use the piles because I do have to change clothes a few times a week. The reason I don’t go through the piles often is because I don’t shower every day like I used to. I shower maybe 3-4 times a week, if that, and it depends on my mood and pain level. I try to shower at least every other day but some times that is just not possible. Very rarely do I shower on consecutive days. I notice when I don’t shower a lot when my mother does the laundry. I can’t do the laundry because I don’t do it her way. I will have a small pile of clean clothes, which basically means, I didn’t shower too often that week.

I read an article today about how sunshine may contribute to suicide. But in the same article, it said that sunshine for 14-60 days was preventative against suicide. So if you have sun for less than 10 days, you may commit suicide. Makes sense to me because I have found that at the peak of summer, my suicidality goes through the roof with the heat and sunshine. I can’t stand it. Give me cloudy days any day! Luckily in Boston, we don’t have consecutive days of sunshine. Though it may be what is contributing to my suicidality the last couple of days. The study took out the seasons variability factor. Here is the link to the article if you are interested. It is a bit technical and at times confusing but well worth the read. The interesting finding in the study was that women were more likely to die by suicide than men. Usually, the reverse is true. But the authors didn’t mention that at all, least not in the overview. here is a simpler version of the same article: sunshine and suicide

I had therapy today. I wish I could say that it was encouraging but I felt like it was work and a whole lot of bullshit. My therapist was trying to tell me that I need to be validated and that I am missing that because I am so isolated. Her contact is the only human contact I get now a days. I don’t talk with my mother about any thing related to me. I don’t talk to my sisters about what is wrong. My psychiatrist is out in cyberland somewhere and I can’t always get a response from her. So the only people I “talk” with are my Twitter followers, and sometimes, my Facebook friends. And with me feeling wicked down on myself and wanting to kill myself, she feels like I am too isolated and need more contact with people. Trouble is, there aren’t a whole lot of people I talk with, even while I was working. Sure I socialized with my coworkers while working but rarely did our friendship leave the office. Since being out of work, even my closest friends never call me or text me like they used to. I used to text them all the time but when I started getting no responses, I stopped. It’s been almost three years since I have been out of work. And yes, this time of year always sucks for me, but not having social support is hurting me. Sure I have my writing and my blog, but I don’t always get responses to every post I publish. And yesterday, I really was looking for validation on one of my papers that I sent to a clinical social worker. He totally missed what the paper was about. He thought it was more about the song than the content I was writing about. That hurt me more than words can express. And that is the other thing. Lately, I have been having trouble expressing myself either on Twitter or my blog. I don’t know what is holding me back but I just cannot say what I feel anymore. Last night was a difficult night, again, and I all I could do was spout off lyrics of the songs I was playing. The hardest part was trying to keep it within 140 characters and still be able to quote the artist.

My mood is all over the place. One minute I am hanging by a thread and the next I am okay. Right now, there is a heaviness in my chest. It’s almost 2000 and already my mood has winded down. I don’t know if I can stand another painful night of heartache. I don’t know what is causing me such misery. It’s not my anniversary, yet, of my surgeries and when my life changed forever. Granted I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how my ankle is being such a downer. I can’t do stairs and yet I am supposed to do PT tomorrow. I really don’t see the fucking point of going to PT. I know I am always going to be in pain. Any activity is going to hurt me. But I have become so reclusive. I don’t go out, unless I really have the motivation to do so. I still have funds for my Starbucks from my birthday and Christmas gifts but I really haven’t gone out more than once a week. The routine used to be have therapy, get dressed, catch the bus, and then go to Starbucks. Now it more like have therapy and then catch a nap, write a blog, have dinner, then go to sleep. I really have to psych myself up to go out. I don’t talk with anyone human, except for my mother. Some days I don’t really talk with her at all except to make dinner plans. If I talk with my sisters, it is via text message, though lately my sister has been calling me. But outside of family, there is no other communication. I might chat with my Twitter buddies but it’s not instantaneous. And lately, I just haven’t been feeling up to chatting. I just stay in my room because it is quiet and I play my annoying game. So that is what I do all day. Nothing at all. I am really useless.