Category: depression

Pain relief and oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.

Been up since four

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been up since Four

I have been up since four in pain. I took something to calm it down hoping I would go back to sleep but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I slept four hours before I was rudely awakened. I then had breakfast with my mother. We both had the same thing, an egg McMuffin. She made hers her way and I made mine my way. I then hoped to get some sleep but I had a cup of tea and that woke me up. I have been going since. I walked to the store to get some half and half for tomorrow’s coffee, but they didn’t have it. I was bummed so I walked a little more to get some exercise.

I have been playing my game since this morning. The only thing annoying is that the mouse seems to have a mind of its own. I can’t seem to place down crops with it going all over the place first. And trying to drag the homestead is torture. I literally have to hold on to something on the stead to move the board around.

I really wish baseball would play tonight. But it doesn’t until Tuesday. I can only figure they planned it that way so it doesn’t interfere with the NFL games (American football for my UK friends). All this rest is no good for the players, in my opinion. They will play like shit once the game starts.

Today has been a cool day but I still have my ceiling fan on. It’s a little stuff in my room as I keep the door closed at all times. I do this so I don’t hear the noise downstairs of my mother playing her dice game or the TV that is on close to full blast. My mother is deaf so needs things to be loud.

Today while on Facebook, it suggested my consultant as a friend. I couldn’t believe it so had to go to the profile to see if it was truly him. It was. I didn’t friend him because of professional boundaries, but thought it really cool of him to be on social media finally. Now if only I can get him on Twitter.

It has been a while since I last talked to him about stuff. I sent him my book, autographed and everything. I felt like he should have a copy as he has a chapter in it. I don’t know if he read it. He hasn’t written back to me about that. Come to think of it, neither has my psychiatrist really. She did say that is was very personal, which it is. Maybe it is too personal. I just know I haven’t sold a book in a month and that means that I will probably get charged a fee on my checking account. I just did some promoting via Twitter and a Facebook group. I don’t know if it helps but it is worth a shot. Self promoting is a big thing and you need energy for it, especially when you don’t have an agent. I emailed one back in September but never heard back so I don’t think she picked me. Oh well. Her loss, right? Right.

I know I should be working on my co-authored book but my ideas are running low and I think they are stupid. Plus I don’t know what to write exactly because there are no guidelines to really help me. And my co-author isn’t being to helpful with her general ideas about things. I need things to be specific. I am a condensed writer so I cut out the heart of the matter and just get right to the point. I already wrote 17 pages, which is a start but when I was editing, I realized I repeated the same thing three times!! So the best written lines stay and the rest get deleted. That is going to be so hard! I think the third set says it best though. I just have to work on the beginning a little more. Maybe if I write like I did my book it will help me. Like write the introduction, chap 1, etc. it will give me some sort of goal. I don’t know how we are going to mesh this. We haven’t talked about that because she has other fish frying right now. She hopes to publish on of her books sometime in 2015 so I have been giving her some leeway on our book. She wants to have it done by 2016 for the AAS conference. I don’t know if I will be able to attend. It is in Chicago and I would love to go as I love Chicago but my finances are nothing. I’m struggling as it is and saving money is not possible. I was hoping my book was going to be more successful than it has been but it’s not. I feel like a failure because it’s not. People tell me that at least I got a book done. Yea, but I care if they read it because what is the point of writing a book if no one is going to read it??

This week is going to be a long one. I have two doctor appointments for my father. I am going to be wiped out by the end of the week. I am hoping to keep my therapy appointment but it might have to be on the bus or at the train station. Those are my only alternatives as I have to be near my father’s house around 12:30 pm to get my sister’s car so we can get to his appointment on time. I am going to have wicked anxiety about this. Course, just thinking about it now is giving me anxiety. I might cancel the appointment just so I don’t stress myself out. Dealing with my father is going to be stressful enough as it is.

Saturday Blog 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12

There were a couple of blow out games in college football today. One was the embarrassing Texas A&M vs. Bama, 59-0. Second game was with Ohio State 53-17. I am more of an Ohio State fan than I am of Bama. But I couldn’t believe these teams going in there scoring and just beating the crap out of the other team. I would have loved to have watched it but I like watching the scores on Twitter. Nebraska will be starting shortly, but they are on the BTN tv and I don’t have that channel. So back to Twitter again. I hope Ameer Abdullah gets his 122 yards to make 1,000 yards rushing. This guy is a beast!!

Today has been another exhausting pain day. I woke up around 7ish and then was able to go back to sleep a few hours later and that sucked whatever energy I had out the window. I only took one pain pill today because although I have been in pain, I knew this pain wasn’t going to be helped by opioids. It sucks and the only thing that would help would probably be gabapentin but that would seriously knock me on my ass.

I hate it when there is nothing that I can take for my pain. I am going to take the gabapentin and hope that I don’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I will be taking my night time meds soon. I just wish I knew what was causing this pain. I have literally been in bed for most of the day because I have been sleeping so I don’t understand why I am in pain. Throw the whole tendonitis theory out the window. Laying down doesn’t seem to help it and neither does standing on it so I don’t know what to do. The pain is quite intense throbbing starting from the middle of the side of my leg down into my foot. It is annoying as all hell.

I really wanted to go to the store today to get half and half so I could make coffee. I miss having it at home. But I can’t drink the coffee black and I can’t drink it with milk. I will just be wasting it. And it is not like I am buying cheap coffee to be thrown down the drain.

The side effects of the pink pill are in effect. I can feel the spasticity in my forearms again. So I just took a pill to counteract it. I hate that these side effects are happening more frequently than they have before. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this but scheduling an appointment has been difficult. We are trying to shoot for Halloween but I haven’t heard back from her. The thing about the spasticity is that every time it happens, I think it is a MS flare up or something. I know I don’t have MS but people with CES can mimic MS symptoms. I don’t have any weakness though, least not that I know of, other than in my damn foot. It’s just something I like to discuss with her to calm my fears about MS.

It’s difficult being on this medication but I need to be on it to keep the voices at bay and the paranoia and delusional thinking that can happen. I have been taking it every other day to try to keep away the side effects but that doesn’t seem to be helping. And when I get stressed for some reason, the psychosis is worse. I am not stressed at the moment or I think I would be drinking more. The gabapentin that I took really zoned me out for a few hours and now it is hitting me again with dizziness and fatigue. I need to lay down so I will stop here.

Another Pain Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Pain Day

I have been up since 6 this morning. I tried to go back to sleep but I failed miserably. Ankle has decided to be a bitch today. I realized that since I have been in the house for most of the week, I can’t do hills. I went to pick up my niece from her after school program and I was so out of breath from walking up the little hill to my street. I used to do that with no problems. Now it is a problem and I don’t like it. Granted being in pain didn’t help matters. I then went up the two flights of stairs and I didn’t have a problem breathing. HUH?? Why is it I get winded on hills but not the stairs?? Strange.

I didn’t go out today, other than to pick up my niece. I wanted to go to the store and get some cream but I was in too much pain and I didn’t want to waste spoons. I took a shower before picking up my niece and that was pushing it. But I had to change because it has been a few days since I last took one.

Despite the temperature cooling off outside, it is hot in my room. So I have the AC on to cool off. The heat is not helping my ankle. I just can’t stand it being more than 70 degrees in my room. It just feels stuffy. I am trying to stay awake while writing this but it’s difficult as I am so tired. I am in so much pain though I doubt I will sleep. It has been an 8 out of 10 all day today. I don’t see the new foot doc until Halloween. I am trying to schedule an appt with my pdoc the same day but she is being elusive with her emails. I give her a time frame I can see her and she doesn’t respond. She did call in a refill for me seeing as I will run out by the time I do see her again.

I waited all day for a stupid secretary to call me back and she never did. I will have to call on Monday now. Just drives me crazy when people say they are going to call and they don’t.

God, I wish I did something to have this pain that I am in but I didn’t do anything. I might have done a few more stair climbs than usual because I have had the hungry horrors today but that has been it. I really can’t stand this anymore. It’s driving me crazy. But watch, my ankle is going to “miraculously” be okay the day I see the doc. I am sure that day is going to be a low pain day. OI. And there is a hurricane in the mix this weekend so maybe that is why my pain is off the charts. I don’t know anymore. I have decided that I am just going to do what I do and the hell with the consequences because my ankle is going to do what it is going to do no matter what. I don’t have control over the pain levels any more. Gone by the way side is taking one pain pill a day. Now it’s 4-6 pills a day. And sometimes, that isn’t enough. There is no getting ahead of the pain because the pain occurs so out of the blue like it is hard to gauge when you are going to have a flare up. Surprisingly, I am not suicidal throughout these pain episodes. I think if I were, I would have to be hospitalized. But then, I wonder which side of the fence I would be hospitalized, medical or psych? If I am suicidal because of pain and if you take the pain away, then I am no longer suicidal. It’s a tough call. I think there have been times I have wanted to page my psychiatrist because I don’t know what to do anymore and I am staring at a bottle of pills. Then there will be other times where I just wish I was dead. There is no medium. There is no one I can commiserate with. No one understands. You tell them you have an injured ankle and they immediately ask “how did you do that”? I have no answer because there was nothing I did that caused this. Least not that I know of. And that is the frustrating part. Maybe I just have CRPS and that is the price I have to pay because I have “evil” thoughts. I don’t know.

The other day I read that some where in Michigan, a body was found at a shopping center. It reminded me of a twisted short story I read by Lawrence Block years ago. There were these two brothers that would vacation together. It seemed normal. They both planned to go to a different state and do some vacationing. Except toward the end of the trip, they would kidnap a lady at a shopping center and do their business with her then kill her and leave her in the woods or some remote place. Creepy story because it had a realness to it. That is what I love about Lawrence Block’s books. He just recently had one of his books turned into a movie. I haven’t seen it yet because, again, it is a twisted story. There are these two guys that love to mutilate women’s breasts before killing them. But they kidnap the women for ransom first. I have read the book at least three times. It is a good book, but I don’t know that I can see what I have read.