a painful night

Right now my left foot is on fire and there is no calming it down. I think I did too much when I made my chicken wings today. God forbid I should make a meal. It really sucks when you want to make something other than a bologna sandwich for dinner. That is why I eat out so much. It’s so I don’t have to cook.

A friend has told me to write when I am in pain so that is what I am doing…not to say it is helping me with the pain any but it is making me tired that I want to sleep…

I am to see my psychiatrist in twelve hours from now. I am afraid to see her because I have not told her about my pseudo suicide attempt last week. I keep thinking it was months ago but in actually, it was only ten days ago.  I am afraid that if I tell her I might get put into the hospital for it. The crisis has passed. I have not felt suicidal since that night, well, not really felt like acting on it since that night. It is a curious thing. I will share things with my therapist more than I will my psychiatrist. I know it is because I talk with my therapist more than my psych. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship I have with my psych is longer than my therapist. I have seen the same psychiatrist since I was seventeen. I am coming up on our twenty year anniversary. I can’t believe how far I have come and that I am still alive. I know it is because of her care that I am still here. I think most psychiatrists would have dumped me a long time ago but for whatever reason she stuck by me and I by her.

I have not processed my feelings about this last suicide attempt. I cannot believe I threw out the window all my safety plans. It is easier said than done to call someone when you want to down a bottle of pills. I think that there is no telling what might have happened that night had I been able to walk the three feet, 3, stinking feet to my bureau to get more pills. Not being able to walk three feet is what saved my life. Three feet. That is how close I was to taking a whole bottle of pills. My therapist is grateful for this. I am sure my friends are. I have been in a weird state since this has happened. I have been neither depressed nor euphoric nor anything since that night. I have become numb. And I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. This is the first time I really want to document what I am going through because I know there might be someone in similar circumstances. Pain is awful but that night I was so full of despair and hopelessness, my mood changed on a dime and the demons came out rearing their ugly heads. I remember just this feeling of panic since that night. This overwhelming desire to get away from myself, the overwhelming pain knocking whatever senses I had out of commission and wanting to just die. Both of my feet were useless. Both of my feet were in agony. I couldn’t straighten out my legs. I couldn’t let the sheet touch my feet. It was awful, so truly awful not being able to do a damn thing but lie in agony and knowing that my meds were just a few feet away and my misery could have ended once and for all. But no, I could barely stand long enough to gulp down two of my night pills. So I skipped my dose of some of my other meds. What did that matter when all I could think about was death. After I took my meds I waited an eternity to pass out. Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen, then twenty. I felt like nothing was going to work that night. My feet seized in spasms again and all I saw was blackness filling me way deep inside such that I have never felt before. I had to do something. I had to get this demon out. I had to end my life. But I could not get up and walk the three stinking feet to do so. Moving my legs was agony. If I really tried I could have but then I would be in big trouble. I might not be here today writing this.

death of a good man

7-Feb-2011
Found out today that my godfather passed away due to a blood clot. It happened so sudden and his wife was real freaked out as he died right in front of her. She was in shock when I talked with her, not that I blame her. She is a good woman. She was more concerned with us than with herself.
After I talked with her, I watched the superbowl game. I guess it was to get my mind of losing my Godfather who I loved very much. I just talked with him around Thanksgiving. I feel really bad now that I didn’t get to see him around Christmas like I had hoped to. My godfather was a funny fellow. He would talk with such intelligence and seriousness and yet still get what you were saying. His mind wasn’t what it used to be. I would have to tell him who I was and what I was doing every time I called as he didn’t remember. Alzheimer’s is like that. It runs in my family on both sides so I know the chances are great that I may have the gene for it.
I called out for half this week. I am more depressed than I was and I just can’t function right now when I know I have a wake and funeral to go to. I want to be there for my godfather’s wife but my car is in the shop so there is no way of me getting there. She lives in Westwood, which isn’t close to Boston. I guess I will just have to see what to do. I’m just glad he didn’t suffer.

11-14-2012
Yesterday would have been my godfather’s 85th Birthday. I think of him every day and it’s hard this time of year because we used to get together on his birthday. It was really the only time I got to see him. I am sad that he is no longer with us but seeing as he was declining, I am glad he is in a better place.

I sprained my good ankle the other day. I am not happy about it because I feel more with this ankle than my left. Now I don’t know which one to limp on. I might have to wear the boot to stabilize it even though I know it will cause me more pain in other areas. I will have an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) on my left and a boot on my right. Just lovely, huh?

complaints

CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) is a literal pain in the ass. Just when you think you have things going fine, it will flare up on you to remind you of all that you have been through, to remind you that you still have nerve damaged parts of self, whether it be your bottom and genitals or you lower extremities. Just now I got into bed after using the bathroom. I don’t know what I did but I know I didn’t just stub my toe through it feels like I just did. I forgot to use my slippers on my feet because unlike pre-CES I still like to walk barefoot. But there is ceramic tile that is COLD and can cause spasms in my bad foot if exposed to this temp, like it did tonight. So my foot is reminding me that I can no longer walk barefoot around my house and that I somehow stubbed my toe today without realizing it. Wonderful.
I had my sister’s car today and while driving to pick up my dad, I was pretty tired. I didn’t sleep too well last night and woke up early this morning to do some errands. The errands exhausted me and I should have taken a nap but I knew if I did, I probably wouldn’t sleep well tonight. So I am driving my sister’s car and wondering why I am slowing down. I have my foot on the gas, or so I thought. So I push a little harder on the pedal and come to a complete stop. I didn’t know where my foot was. I mentally took a break from the proprioception because I was tired and because of that my foot was on the wrong pedal. From that point on I knew it was going to be a long night. I keep having to remind myself where my right foot was at all times and this gets to be mentally tiring. I am sure those who are reading this have no clue what I am talking about. But think right now, do you know where your feet are? Can you close your eyes and move your feet up and down and then know when your foot is up and when it is down? I no longer have that sense. It was gone. Sure I compensate for it now but when I am tired, all bets are off. It’s like driving on automatic pilot when you go somewhere. You want to get to point A but your mind is thinking point B and when you get half way to B, you realize you really wanted to go to point A and have to turn around. Mentally, I have to be aware of my feet at all times or I will trip or in this case, I will just come to a complete stop in the middle of the road and wonder what is wrong with the car…
I question driving. I don’t like to drive at night because I am more fatigued and my proprioception (sense of sensing) can be off more. This doesn’t happen all the time and luckily I don’t drive that often anymore since my car hit its last pothole.

The Banana

Subject: Banana

Don’t know how much of this is substantiated and it is a tad redundant toward
the end but all in all Banana’s RULE~

After Reading this FYI, you’ll NEVER look at a Banana in the same way again!
Bananas: Containing three natural sugars – sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add
to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and
generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills — eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
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Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be re balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in “The New England Journal of Medicine, “eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills, and it taste good too. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away!”
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> >You might want to pass this tidbit to your family and friends!!!