Category: mood disorders

so fucking fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So fucking fed up

I woke up at dawn because that is when the sun was shining into my room, brightening it up. It was a little after 0515. I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took my meds. I wanted to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. Around 0630, I was getting hungry so I made an egg sandwich. I then went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to be up for my dentist appointment. I was debating going as my foot and ankle were hurting but decided to keep it as I knew if I cancelled, I wasn’t going to reschedule.

I slept until my alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make coffee but I would be going to the Square so I didn’t make it. I shaved my head, which resulted in razor burn in the back of my head. I took a shower and then rested for an hour or so. I brushed my teeth, which my ankle didn’t like. I had slipped in the shower so it was smarting.

I went to the bank and there was no line at all so I got to the dentist office early. They took me early. They didn’t take any x-rays, which I was grateful because they always make me gag. I had three cavities. It’s been a few hours since the cleaning and my teeth still hurt from the scraping and flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I am not looking forward to having three cavities filled. The dentist said I need a special toothpaste at night to help protect my teeth better. I hope it’s not gross because I can’t rinse my mouth after I brush or eat or drink for 4 hours. That’s going to be tricky. I guess I will have to take my night meds and then brush my teeth. It’s going to be a challenge but I don’t want more cavities.

I went to Starbucks for lunch and my espresso. I went to deposit my money in my checking account. After I ate, I didn’t feel like writing so went to the barber shop. My barber was out until 1630. I didn’t feel like hanging around till then so caught the next bus home. My foot/ankle was throbbing and I needed pain meds and to put my leg up.

My pain got worse when I got home. I really am fed up. Then at dinner, my mother hated my new PJs and hair style. I am so sick of her comments. She is the most unsupportive person that is supposed to be a caring parent that I ever met. I wish I could ignore her ignorance but I live with her so it’s difficult. Then she wonders why I don’t talk to her. Least it didn’t set off my suicidal urges like it normally does. The pain is doing a fine enough job about that. I think I will get my hair fixed on Saturday. Tomorrow I need to rest or my ankle/foot is just going to kill me. I still want to try and make iced coffee at home. I think I have figured out the coffee to water ratio to make it work.

my psych finally called me back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My psych finally called back

My psychiatrist called me back as I was walking home from Walgreens. I picked up my script as I didn’t want to go there tomorrow. We talked about my Neurontin usage. She doesn’t want me to use it as a knock out drug but to get relief from my neuropathy pain. We discussed dosing several times a day, as long as I can tolerate it. She didn’t want me to take more than 1800 mg a day, but I was free to play with how ever I needed to to get to that amount a day. I still am figuring it out as my dose is really dependent on my pain levels. It’s how I have been taking this drug for years. I have to call or email her tomorrow to let her know how it goes.

I am not sure if I am going to go out after my dentist appointment or not. I will bring my bag with me just in case. I need to go to the bank tomorrow so I might go to the Square. My checking account is overdrawn so I need to put in funds before I am charged a fee.

Both ankles are hurting me and I am upset about it. I think I need to buy new sneakers as the ones that I have are really irritating me. I haven’t bought sneakers in more than three years so I am due for some new ones. I just wish they weren’t so damn expensive. Even at the outlet store I go to is the same as online, which doesn’t make sense. Usually the outlets are cheaper than online. I always get the same kind of style, which I might have to change. I wish I could get this stupid lump off my Achilles. I wouldn’t be in pain if I didn’t have it.

I had some chips when I came back home as I was hungry. I wish I didn’t because now my stomach is upset. They were the regular chips not the unsalted kind that I usually buy.

I am really tired from walking around so I probably will be taking my meds early and going to bed early, I hope. The last few nights I have taken my meds later than I usually do, which sucks because I am up late if I do. Thing is, I can’t stand right now so need to wait for the pain to subside a little before grabbing my night meds. I forgot to grab them before getting comfy on my bed. I wanted to shower tonight but that isn’t happening. I will take one tomorrow morning. I’ll need to shave my head again anyways.

I need to change my sheets this weekend. It’s going to be a pain in the ass like it always is. I have to mentally prepare myself for doing the task or it just won’t get done. I need to clean off my office side of the bed. I some how accumulated 4 baseball hats on my bed. Don’t know how that happened. I put away my meds that were on my bed in their respective places. I am set for the month, or should be anyway.

So much for reading or watching STTNG tonight. I just don’t have the brain power like I did a few hours ago. I am feeling really worn down. Pain will do that. It’s an energy sucker, just draining all that you have every single day.

cooler day but still in the 80s

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cooler day but still in the 80s

Today was much less humid than the past few days. I had woken up early in pain but went back to sleep after I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then woke up around 11 and got ready for the 1150 bus. I shaved my head again. I am getting better at it but the sides and back are still uneven. I had to use a new razor because my mother likes mine but doesn’t rinse it out after she uses it. Pisses me off. I just bought some new cartridges for the razor on Amazon. It was a sweet deal. I might get some more next week when I get paid as it was a good price.

I fiddled with my phone to pass time. Then I got dressed and went to the bus stop. The bus was late. I ordered my drink and a donut through the Starbucks mobile app so it would be ready when I got there. I am liking this feature. Beats standing in line and then waiting for your order. I wrote in my journal until I was a popsicle and then I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Fucking asshole didn’t change the count again, so I will be back in 20 days or less.

I got to the Square and was parched so I got some water. I meant to bring a water bottle with me but forgot. I waited for the bus and then went to Walgreens. On the ride home, I called my mother to see if she needed anything. She told me to pick up some tissues as they were on sale. I dropped off the prescription and was told there was a 30 minute wait. I said I would be back. Here it is more than 30 minutes later and my script is still not ready. I am pissed.

While I was at Starbucks, I called the neuro clinic to reschedule my appt with a CRPS specialist. I got a fucking generalist. I specifically said CRPS. I have a general neuro that I have been seeing for years so I am going to ask my psych what to do. If I call again, I am going to lose my patience.

I came home and I was a sweating mess. My sister used my laptop to print something and shut off the ceiling fan. It was hot in my room as she left the door open. UGH. I quickly turned on the AC. I am feeling better now but lazy as I don’t want to go back to Walgreens. I might after dinner. Sun won’t go down until around 2030 as today is the longest day of the year. My ankle started to act up soon as I got up the stairs so I took some pain meds. I hope it settles down some. It’s much too hot to be in pain the rest of the day and night.

I am feeling really frustrated. I might email my neuro and see what she thinks about seeing another neuro for my CRPS. I honestly don’t think I am going to get any answers unless the doc specifically specializes in CRPS. I am just burnt out in hunting for doctors to get what I go through. The only one that understands is my psych. I wish all doctors had her empathy and sympathy and understanding. It would make my life so much easier. I wouldn’t have to fight so much to get the care I need.

My mother is making my favorite for dinner, pasta and sauce. I forgot to take out the ground beef so I could make my meat sauce. I guess I will wait for the weekend. I have dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon. I am glad because waking up has been a problem for me. I tend to sleep during the morning hours, no matter what time I get to bed and also tend to wake up before 0700. Sometimes I stay up but mostly I just go back to sleep, if I am able.

Think I am going to watch a couple of STTNG episodes tonight. The ballgame was played during the day so my evening time is free. I might also read as I haven’t all week. I am slowly plowing through the books but it takes a little motivation, which I don’t always have. It’s so hard to read when you are in pain and depressed.

Random 935

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 935

I woke up before dawn in pain. I took my meds and pretty much slept all day. I didn’t wake up till around 1515. I was having a strange dream, but I don’t remember it now. I ordered a burger and onion rings for my dinner. My sister was having a party for my nephew as his birthday is next week but half the family is going to Italy starting tomorrow. I won’t see my sisters and nieces for almost two weeks. I am going to miss them.

I made a few phone calls while I was waiting for my food and the party to start. I called my PCP’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. It was so I will be going tomorrow to get it. The next was to the neurology clinic. I wanted to see the doctor’s colleague and instead I got a fricken resident who specializes in Multiple Sclerosis. That isn’t going to help me! I was so annoyed. I am going to call tomorrow and request someone else that is not a resident and who specializes in CRPS. I don’t need a regular neuro, I already have one. I need someone that knows about this pain condition so I can know if there is a better treatment out there. I don’t think there is but doesn’t hurt to see a specialist.

I emailed my psych about this and she apologized for not calling me back yesterday. She said she might call me later or tomorrow. It’s been later and I still haven’t heard from her so I guess she will call me tomorrow. I just want to talk to her about taking a lot of Neurontin lately. I know it’s not helping my weight but it is helping me sleep more soundly, better than Ativan. Once I get to sleep that is. I’m just worried that I am using too high a dose as I just play with the dosing. Sometimes I take 900 mg, other times I take 1200 mg. Sometimes it’s twice a day I will take either of these dose or higher. Then there will be days I don’t take any. It doesn’t help my physical pain, just the burning that I get. But I have gained 10 pounds while using it and I hate it.

My pain in the ass aunt came over. After the cake, she was telling me how to make money by writing about her family, like I don’t know anything about books. UGH, I had to explain to her that unless you get a good PR and publisher, you won’t make a cent. She wanted me to write it. Like fucking hell will I spend the hours with her writing this book. I can’t stand being with her for more than 5 minutes. I hate her with all my being. She tries to get on my “good” side but I see right through her. Then she was telling me the story of JK Rowling and how she is a billionaire now. I laughed and asked her do you know how many publishers rejected her work? Almost all of England. She got rejected over 20 times and she persisted. I am grateful she has and the whole Potterworld is too.

Despite sleeping all day, I still feel tired. I had a rough night of pain as I didn’t go to sleep till at least 3 only to wake up a few hours later, still in pain. Now after the party, my pain is back from sitting too long. Never fails.