Category: mood disorders

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.