Category: suicide attempt

Hot Chocolate and other Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hot Chocolate and Other Thoughts

A blogger friend made a comment on my Dark Hot Chocolate post and I thought I would have a cup. I have been up since 0445. I plan on taking some nerve pain meds to get back to sleep. I want to finish my cup of cocoa first.

My mood is still down and I cannot seem to fix my TiVo. I am very, very sad about this. There are shows on there that I haven’t seen, like Rizzoli and Isles and definitely, Bones. Part of me doesn’t care and part of me is extremely pissed off that I didn’t watch the shows when I could have. I am going to play around with it sometime today to see if it will boot up.

I’m still having suicidal thoughts. My therapist called me after I sent her a distressing text. We talk for a bit and she made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything this weekend. She really wants to see me on my birthday. Now I have to get a Zipcar. My only worry is that I won’t be able to get one at a place that I know. I really want to get the same car I got last time. It drove really well. I think next time I am going to take the highway home rather than go through the back roads. It seemed to take forever to get home through the back roads and I was getting really aggravated because I wanted to go home. It depends on how I feel. I was going to take the other highway home but there was traffic due to construction and I didn’t want to sit in traffic. There was no traffic on the back roads but I was just impatient to get home.

My suicidal plans are put off, again. I am not sure how I feel about this. I feel discouraged and angry. I shouldn’t have told my therapist about this. I don’t know why I seem to do things like this. I just feel so hopeless about every thing that is going on in my life. I can’t seem to do a damn thing. The only thing I can do is watch my niece when my sister needs me to, though I can no longer pick her up from school. The distance is just too much for me. There are too many hills for me to climb. It saddens me because I was once able to do those hills without a problem. And it kills me that I am disabled. I fucking hate being disabled where I can no longer do the things I was did. I can’t walk, which was my major stress reliever. I had my game, which was also my stress reliever but it shut down and I haven’t been able to find something similar. I could play Farmville but there is no challenge to that. You just plant your crops and collect “money” when you harvest then plant your crops again. It’s lost its appeal. I just have no other activities to keep me occupied so I think about suicide most of the time.

The reason I think about suicide is not only because I am disgruntled that I am disabled, but also because I don’t have anything else to occupy my time. Sure I go out to Starbucks and have my drink and write in my journal. But then I get anxious and need to come home. I only stay for about an hour, sometimes less. And then my mother calls me to see what I am doing. She also calls to let me know what we are having for supper. I try to have enough funds to last me through the month but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. This month I bought coffee so my funds were lower than they should be. I meant to add more funds to the Starbucks card but I never did. So now I have the entire weekend to ponder about my upcoming appointment with my neurosurgeon.

Saturday, I am going out with my sisters for Chinese food. It’s my birthday celebration with them. I wanted to go to another place but I have been deprived of Lo Mein for a while and I want it dammit! I also want General Gao. So I already know what I want. That will be a distraction for a little while. I am sure I will continue to write my Saturday Blogs. I know I have been writing more blogs. It helps to write my thoughts down.

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.

Frustrating events of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I might have to watch live TV tonight. I wanted to record the show “Coat of Many Colors” but it conflicts with Bones, as Bones is a 2 hour episode tonight. It all depends on if I am awake at 2100 and the pain meds don’t knock me out before then. I had another bad outing with my father. He didn’t pick up his prescription so I had to do extra walking with my leg and back hurting. I decided to get us cold cuts for lunch as I knew he didn’t have lunch, and by the looks of his trash can, he didn’t have breakfast either. What really pissed me off was that he took his meds with wine, but he swore it was ginger ale. Doesn’t matter as I saw him pour the wine while he was eating lunch. He drives me crazy. Then he wonders why he is dizzy.

I then talked to my therapist while I was on my way home. I asked her to call me because I felt like doing something to hurt myself. I am just so fed up with things and so damn tired of being in pain. I told her about my appointment yesterday and I could tell she was cussing because she was speechless yet grunting, like she didn’t know what the hell to say. If I had seen my PCP yesterday, things probably would have been different. My back pain is worse today than it was yesterday. But I did a lot of walking that I normally don’t do. I went to the bakery to get my father his bread then went to Walgreens to pick up my meds. The walk pretty much tired me out. I had to stop a few times because I was hurting so much. This was before going to my father’s and standing in the deli counter, walking to the opposite end of the store to get to the pharmacy, then walk back to his apartment. After we had lunch, I stood a few more minutes to do his meds. Then I had to walk to the train station to go home. My back and ankle is not liking me at all. I shouldn’t be in this much pain for walking a few blocks and a half.

We also talked about having my PCP’s office call me sometime tomorrow for the neurosurgeon’s assessment. Ten bucks says I am not going to get a phone call and when I do call the office, I am going to get, why didn’t you call him? UGH. Because I was told YOU were going to call ME. My therapist asked what I was planning to do between now and the next time we talk. I told her I wanted to be in oblivion. Wrong answer. I did tell her I was going to take some pain meds and call it a day. Sadly, I can’t really be in oblivion because I have to babysit Saturday. I also made dinner tonight. I don’t think my mother was a fan of it. It was a roll up of turkey and stuffing. We also were supposed to have cranberry sauce but we didn’t have any. I thought it was good, but then I am a sucker for turkey and stuffing anyways. It’s one of my favorite combinations. I found out that one of my new favorite delivery places has a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sandwich. I cannot wait to try it. I hope it’s a regular menu item and not a seasonal one. Starbucks has a similar sandwich but it’s only available during the holiday season.

This morning on our Red Line, it was found that the train was being operated with no operator. No one was hurt but it caused severe delays for the morning commute. Someone apparently tampered with the system. Then my mother was telling me that the operator got run over by the train. This I didn’t hear and I still haven’t heard anything about this, least in social media. I don’t watch the news and I no longer follow news related Twitter accounts because it’s too triggering for me, especially when they talk about the alien people. I will have to look up what really happened. But I am too tired to do it now so it will have to wait.

After a week of waiting for my Amazon order, it finally arrived today. I get to watch baseball movies and a couple of 80s movies. I also got the movie “Code Talkers”, least I think that is the name of it. I don’t have the DVD in front of me so I am not sure. It’s a WWII film about the Navajo Indians using their language as code. I’ve always wanted to see it. Sadly, I have only seen the ending of the movie, not the beginning.

I finally was able to transfer files from my phone to my SD card. I now have a whopping 1GB of memory on my phone. I also wiped my MP3 player after doing this so that it could delete the duplicate songs on it. I don’t know how I had two of the same songs in almost all my albums. And I couldn’t delete them for some reason unless I deleted them on my SD card, which I thought was odd. But I couldn’t access the SD card on my phone so that didn’t work. I hope things are settled now. All I have to do next is rebuild my playlists because it doesn’t save those. I have to remember what list went with the songs. Oh well. I think after the day that I had, I will save that for another day.