commitment to living

Seeing as I have been suicidal the past few weeks, sometimes intensely, other times not so much, I thought I would talk about the dreaded “no suicide contract”. In an article by Rudd, Mandrusiak, and Joiner (2008), the authors describe that there is no empirical data that proves a contract is a deterrent to suicide anymore than say pinky swearing (my words not the authors). In these times where suicide rates are going up rather than down, it is important to have something in place so that the therapist and client feels comfortable sharing the suicidal feelings without always resorting to hospitalization. The authors in this article promote a “commitment to living statement” as way to facilitate 1) identifying roles, obligations, and expectations of both clinician and client, 2) communicate openly and honestly about all aspects of treatment including talk of suicide, and 3) identify emergency services usage when client cannot contain the agreement.

This agreement seems to me as a good way to start any conversation of suicide but it also feels like it is an informal consent contract. It doesn’t really focus on a suicidal behavior tracking plan like the Suicide Status Form. All it does is explicitly states that the client make a commitment to living.

I was reading this because I thought it was a unique contract but now I am thinking that it is not. It does however, give the clinician and client a time focused treatment plan that I think all therapists should have with their clients so that if something is not working, it can be changed so it does work. In my experience, I think that this would be helpful for my therapy but I think it might be too late for that as we are no longer seeing one another face to face and this contract requires a handwritten statement to be made.

My therapist and I have reached another impasse and I think sometimes that having a break is beneficial. It gives me time to think things over. I also think that if I had the inclination, I would bring this article up again with her and see what she thinks of it to help my suicidal tendencies. But I am not sure about the whole commitment to living aspect of it. It does seem to me that something needs to give and she needs a piece of mind that doesn’t include me telling her I want to kill myself every week. The biggest thing on the commitment statement is that it allows for goals to be set. In my twelve or so years of being with the same therapist, I don’t think we ever have set one goal in treatment. Usually I was the one to come up with a treatment plan on how I wanted to be treated. That was fine until I ran out of gas and ideas. But what would setting a goal after all this time be like? I don’t know as I have not really thought about it. My therapist doesn’t give me homework, other than possibly blogging about something she has in mind for me to work on. We generally have an unspoken agreement that I will call her should I think about acting on my thoughts to harm myself. The most I have done is text her, a lot, to let her know I am having a hard time with my thoughts. Usually this happens during the long weekend when either she is away or when we have a long few days between sessions due to the weekend or holidays. I try not to text her so much but she seems to like me keeping her in the loop so I do it to sort of please her. Plus it tells her that I am still alive so that eases her anxiety a little.

An example of the Commitment to Treatment Statement is the following:

I, ________, agree to make a commitment to the treatment process. I understand that this means that I have agreed to be actively involved in all aspects of treatment including:
1) Attending sessions (or letting my therapist know when I can’t make it
2) Setting goals
3) Voicing my opinions, thoughts, and feelings honestly and openly with my therapist, whether positive or negative but most importantly my negative feelings
4) Being actively involved during sessions
5) Completing homework assignments
6) Taking medications as prescribed
7) Experimenting with new behaviors and new ways of doing things
8) Implementing my crisis response plan when needed
I also understand and acknowledge that, to a large degree, a successful treatment outcome depends on the amount of energy and effort I make. If I feel like treatment is not working, I agree to discuss this with my therapist and attempt to come to a common understanding as to what the problems are and identify potential solutions. In short, I agree to make a commitment to living. This will apply for the next ____ months at which time it will be reviewed and modified.
Signed_____
Date_____
Witness____

To me, as I have said before, this looks more like a basic agreement contract to therapy than it does for specifically suicidal thinking/behavior. The reason I bring it up is because most clinical therapist do not have such specific language in their agreement and I think it is important to work together in treatment. A client should always have a say in treatment, no matter if it is in psychotherapy or medicine. With a little modification of the wording, this statement can be used in any clinical scenario. It is basic and to the point. Clients should be active in the care but sometimes that is just not possible. I mean if you have a throat infection, you are not going to argue with your doctor about treatment. You will want the antibiotics so that the infection doesn’t spread and you get sicker (if it is a bacterial infection to begin with). But it gets trickier with something complex as say diabetes. This blog doesn’t deal with that so I won’t say anything further about it. Just know that you should always advocate for your say in treatment and ask questions about why you are being placed on medication or physical therapy or whatever your doctor prescribes.

Basically, I have to agree that this commitment to treatment statement (CTS) is better than a “no suicide” contract because it (CTS) allows open discussion and collaboration of treatment whereas the no suicide contract will just state that the client will not kill him/herself.

The second part of the CTS agreement is the Crisis response plan (CRP). It states:

When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help you feel better for at least 30 mins (examples can include, trying to sleep, play internet games, brush hair 100 times, write in a journal, listen to music, etc)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: if thoughts continue, get specific and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call XXX @ 555-555-5555 or suicide hotline
Step 6: if I cannot reach above I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: if I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I go to the ER or call 911 (or whatever the local emergency line is for your country).

Either plan is effective even though neither have been empirically tested. The CRP I have used in my treatment and I have found it useful. During one of my recent hospital stays, I actually gave out the CRP to other patients hoping they would benefit from its usefulness.

nothing man

“she loves him// she doesn’t want to leave this way// she needs him that’s why she’ll be back again”. Better Man, Pearl Jam

This is how therapy goes with me. I need it, she needs me.

****Warning might be triggering****

I was thinking about writing a story about my suicidal thoughts and I think I have it all set. Here goes:

He cuts the length of rope that needs, enough to cover the bed and his neck. He doesn’t know why they don’t sell a smaller rope size. 250 feet is really too long to do the deed for such a small space. All he needed was about 50 or so feet. If they sold it in bulk, he would have asked for that but the Home Depot didn’t. Somerville Lumber did. How he misses working in that store. He misses the people more than he did the regular customers that really kept the business alive.

He figures out the length and then carefully double knots everything so it stays in place. All attention to detail must be made. The biggest fear he has is that the bed will come with him as he hangs out the window. It is a cold day today. Maybe he should put on some heavier clothing, he wonders then laughs at the idea. He hopes God will forgive him as he take the final step out the window. Good-bye world he says, to himself. No one else can hear him. He struggles with the rope around his neck. He wants it off, it is strangling him. He feels like he is going to lose consciousness and finally he does. He just hangs there, lifeless. His task completed. His horror over.

awful session with therapist

It came! My World Series cap finally arrived today. I hope it would have lifted this awful mood I am in but it hasn’t.

I don’t know where to begin. I had an awful session with my therapist last night. She was asking what to do with her anxiety and how it could be put to rest. I said valium is the answer. She said that wouldn’t make me less suicidal. True but she could zone out about it. I am joking here. I know suicide is not a joking matter but this is my blog and I will say what I want. She talked about how her anxiety revolves around my safety and she just doesn’t think I am safe anymore so how can she simply ignore that when I keep talking about putting a rope around my neck. And that is not to accessorize. (ok, another bad joke.) I think she should consult with someone. I really think that SHE needs someone to talk to about my case. Maybe they could help her. I know you can’t go alone when you are dealing with someone and their suicidality. That goes for client and therapists. I will tell her this on Tuesday when I see her. Or just send her this blog so she reads it and maybe it sticks in her head a little bit better.

I don’t know why I am in such a rotten mood. I guess because I made my therapist cry and I feel bad about that. Another indication that we are too close. I so very badly want to cancel Tuesday’s appointment but I have no where to go that day. Monday I see my psychiatrist. I don’t know how much of this I am going to tell her. We (therapist and I) talked about the hospital but what good will it do me. They don’t have you talk about stuff when you are there. They make you fill out a distress tolerance bullshit form. Like that is really going to help in times of wanting to put a fist through the wall. I don’t feel like doing that. I do feel like finishing off my bottle of whiskey. What would it hurt? Except for writing more “truth serum” blogs? I guess I am feeling hurt because that is really the only time I want to drink. Listening to Lady Antebellum is helping. They have made some their song acoustic and it is really cool. I need music right now to right this wrong I feel that I have done.

No one in my family knows about this. I haven’t talked to anyone. I wrote a friend an email asking what do I do but I haven’t heard back from her yet. It might be a few days till I hear back from her. She is the slowest person to respond to email because she is so busy. So I wait.

Other than a blogger friend, I really have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. But I am just not in the mood for talking right now. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am supposed to go to her party in about four hours from now. I really don’t feel like it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and hide under the covers. I forgot to get her a birthday card but then I think that birthday cards are stupid. All anyone cares about is what is inside. They don’t care what the card says. And they are more expensive now than they were in the past. Some as much as four fricken dollars? For something someone glances at and then junks? Seems ridiculous to me and a waste of money.

I have eaten only small meals today. I am starting to get hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I hate that. I just don’t know what I want. I kind of want Pad Thai but I think I will get that Monday when I see my pdoc as the restaurant is around the corner and it is a late appointment. Even if I wanted to go into the hospital I can’t. Not until I see my PCP for my monthly pain check visit. He is another one that wants me to call him if I feel like acting on something. What is he really going to do I have no clue. Not like I am really going to call him anyways. I have a crazy, lunatic therapist and my pdoc to call first.

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.