Category: writing

psychosis while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychosis, writing

Just wrote a few pages for my book. I don’t know if it will ever get finished or published but it is a start. I add to it every now and then. I should edit it a little bit to add more to it but then I might want to scrap the whole thing.

I got to my Starbucks and am having my Kati Kati coffee. It’s so good, I might get another one before I go. But I think one coffee per day is my limit. Otherwise I might have a night like last night where I was up most of the night. But it wasn’t because I was restless, it was because I was in pain. The pain finally settled down around three in the morning. I fell asleep shortly there after.

I started writing about my past in the book. And about my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I am not sure I can explain it as I don’t understand it too well myself. But it is basically episodes of hypomania and severe depression, mostly severe depression as the hypomania come infrequently. I have had this diagnosis since I was sixteen. I thought it was just due to a medication reaction (Prozac made me hyper and crazy) but when it lingered long after the half-life, I knew that I had it. But I still have the psychosis that is inherent in my illness. I have been having voices since I was five years old. It’s hard to explain how the voices evolved. But they are still with me and they are not my voices. I know because usually when I read, there is a man voice that reads with me. When I don’t hear this voice then I know it is my voice reading. I once asked my therapist if she hears a voice while she is reading and she says that she doesn’t. I find that odd. I thought everyone had a voice that changes with the way that the book’s words go. I guess I am truly psychotic.

Last night while I was reading it was difficult because I didn’t hear a voice. I don’t know if it was because I was too tired to read or that I just didn’t want to get into the book. I finally gave up after reading for a half hour. I am tempted not to take my meds to see if the voices to do come back while I read. It does make for interesting reading when the voice changes when there is dialog in the book. Usually I hear a man’s voice narrate as I read. He wasn’t there last night and I found it odd. I tried to imagine voices while I read but it just took more effort to try and pay attention to what I was reading. It was very difficult concentrating.

Random things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

There are huge shake downs in Boston right now regarding sports. The hockey team lost the finals. The basketball coach was fired. A football player is accused of double homicide. And while that is all going on, my baseball team is red hot and in first place for the first time since the 2009 season. That is all I am going to say on the matter as I don’t want a ragtime blog of my opinion on the subjects as other than baseball, I really don’t care. Right now only one sport exists and that is baseball. Anything concerning my players or the other teams is of interest in me. Otherwise, I don’t care.

I got a tweet last night saying that there is a 1,200 year old tomb that was found intact. I thought at first it might be a Maya tomb but that would be too late. It was of the Wari people who I didn’t even know existed. I am not too good on the early peoples of South America other than the Maya as they have plagued my interest since learning of their short ruling period. I also have an interest in the Inca as they are presumeably the ones that took over the Maya temples and such and faced the same fate once the Spanish invaded Mexico.

Anyway, I became interested in this tomb as I love archeology. I think that finding things from the past is fascinating. Yes I am a lover of the Indian Jones movies and maybe my fascination came from his work. But I am also interested in the dinosaurs and how things evolved from an evolutionary standpoint. I have yet to read Darwin’s Origin of Species but I plan to one day.

I saw my psychiatrist today. And she didn’t hospitalize me but I did tell her that I have a future date of potentially killing myself. She thinks that I am hormonal and asked that I contact my reproductive endocrine doc, which I did. To my surprise she was available for meeting with me to talk about what to do as I have my menses. She checked the lining of my uterus to see if there was a problem and there wasn’t. What she FAILED to tell me was that it could take up to three months for this new patch to work. That would have been helpful to know!!! So I am going to stick it out the three months (I have two months to go) and see if this patch is better than taking a pill every day. But I have had it will this period bullshit. My psych knows what havoc this is causing me. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel it is hopeless to transition. I can’t even talk about it without being very depressed about it. It is killing me more than having boobs.

I normally don’t think about being a male every day because I already think I am one as long as I don’t look at my chest. But when I get my menses, it really, really messes with my head and reinforces the notion that I am in the wrong body. I guess I have been in denial the past week. It just has been so hard but my suicidality has not peaked, least not yet. I feel that I should stop this and try and put it out of my head that I am a male. But that is so hard to do. I am not talking about changing my dress to female or anything of the sort. Just to stop thinking that I would be a male someday. Even if I were to get hormones, I doubt my breasts would shrink enough not to be noticed. I am morbidly overweight so they do have some fat and unless I starve myself, I really don’t see a way to be back to normal weight. I just bought some cereal to help with the diet again. I figure if I just eat cereal for two meals and then eat a normal dinner with some kind of protein, I should be ok. I just hope that I can stick with it. But losing weight is just one of the issues that I have with my self-esteem and body image issues.

My therapist thinks that I have body dysmorphic disorder. I think she maybe right as I do hate my body, every stinking inch of it. And in turn, I hate myself deeply because of it. I really think I am ugly and unattractive. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am glad I don’t have any mirrors in my room except a very small one that I use so I can put eye drops in my eyes. Even then I loathe looking at myself. It is just another reason why I want to die. I don’t feel I deserve to be living because I am so heinous looking.

TG issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

So my AAS blog post was posted today. So far I don’t have any likes or comments. I hope that changes in the next twenty-four hours. I feel that it is an important post that people should know about.

Today I went to see my reproductive endocrine doctor to get a handle on my periods. We are trying a new patch that I will start sometime next week. I hope it works because I am started to seriously doubt if I am a man. And if I am not a man I might as well be dead. It’s bad enough I had to have a breast exam today and it only made me want to cut the suckers off all the more. I really am in a bad place. I know I can’t go on like this. I just feel like everyone is against me. I have changed my Facebook name to GC rather than Mike because I feel so discouraged. I am having like an identity crisis. I can’t really decide which name I like better. GC would be easier to deal with for everyone because it’s closer to what people call me any ways…G. But I always felt like Mike was a good name for me since I was a kid. I don’t know. It is so very frustrating. And then today I thought about how many doctors I will have to see to get fully transitioned and get testosterone. Then I thought what if my insurance won’t pay for it? What will I do then? I just don’t know anymore. I wish there was some FTM I could really talk to about this other than my therapist. But I don’t know of anyone. I just know MTF.

And about the bus saga…I was coming home and the bus driver didn’t stop at my stop! I was so pissed. Not that it was a huge deal but I hated the fact that he just went right by it. I am glad that the next stop is just as close to my house as the one I missed. Only problem is that I was standing and doing a balancing act while the bus was in motion. I am now hurting. I pulled a hip flexor or something that is giving me sciatica. I have pain going down my right leg. I hope it settles down. I have been trying to keep off my feet as much as possible to avoid the inevitable ankle pain that will be flaring up any time now. Because I am already in pain, I decided to take a pain med. It is making me feel a little drowsy but then I have been up since 8 this morning.
I have been trying to avoid thinking about the TG stuff for the past couple of weeks. I know that if I think about it too much it gets me into a depressive funk that is hard to get out of. But today while at my doctor’s appointment, my doctor figured out why I wanted to stop my periods. In addition to them triggering my suicidal tendencies, it also reinforces the fact that I am not who I really am. I can’t even begin to tell anyone how much this hurts. They say that emotional pain lasts only 15 mins and any longer is self-inflicted. Apparently these people have never dealt with true emotional pain from being in a different body all the time. Pisses me off that these same experts think that I should be dead. But that will happen later this year, or maybe sooner. I just can’t help but think about it all the time now. I wonder what I am waiting for. I just feel like I should have things planned out so that there aren’t any questions when I go. I want to leave behind notes to people because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t love them enough or that it was their fault I was dead. That my therapist and psychiatrist didn’t do enough to help me. They have done more than they could have done. But the demon inside needs to be let out and kill me. I am holding it at bay but it is so tough not to give in every single time it crosses my mind.

why should I live again?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Bus saga continues

Today I get on the bus and of course it’s the same lady with the 3 wheeled stoller that was talking shit about disability. This time she was the rude was one as she was blocking the damn isle with the fucking stroller. People couldn’t get by without doing cartwheels. How fucking rude. Then a man who is slightly mentally disabled comes on and spills his coffee on the passenger next to him who was helping him trying to open it. I see this guy on the same bus. I am just going to wait for the next bus. I can’t stand this idiot. He is rude and belligerent. Always calls the bus driver an asshole. But he is never the problem. Everyone else is.

Talked with my therapist today. She got my letters and my CAMS paper. She gets it so I guess I have not lost my knack of telling things in simple terms. But I still feel like I have. We also talked about my upcoming plan to kill myself. She was trying to get me to see that I have something to live for but I told her, I just don’t care anymore. If I don’t try this time I will feel like the biggest loser in world. I have to do this. I am determined to do this. Nothing can really change my mind. She wants me to see her. She feels that maybe if we have a session face to face it will bring some connection back. Now I got to plan this out as I just can’t take my sister’s car whenever I want it. I mean I could if she is working and not using it but sometimes she takes her husband’s new truck and I just don’t feel comfortable driving it. I have yet to drive this vehicle. I don’t know why. I want to drive an F150 and if I can’t drive a Jeep, why bother with the F150 truck?

I feel that I am getting in the blinders and constriction of my suicidal thinking mode. It’s starting to become everything I thinking of. But I can’t kill myself now. I have to wait. I don’t know what I am truly waiting for but I know that I just can’t do it now. I don’t have true will power to do it. But it is starting to be on my mind more frequently than I like. I often wonder what the questions would be if I called the suicide hotline. I know they would assess my risk and then tell me to call back later if I felt I was in greater danger. I can’t stand that.

I just read some thing by my twitter friend @unsuicide. She just posted something about hopekits and such. I have been thinking about making one but I think why bother. It might help in the interim but I don’t think it will help in the long term. My suicidality is just too great.

I have been thinking about writing the paper about April and suicide risk but I would have to dig into the statistics and such. I actually forgot what the numbers were. I knew them at one point. My brain has just turned to mush. All it can think about is other stuff about suicide prevention but yet I can’t take it. I feel like such a hypocrite. Here I am saying what to do when someone is suicidal yet here I am suicidal and I don’t do any of that stuff. It’s not that I don’t do it because it is bullshit. I just don’t think it applies to me. I have been there many times. I have had too many hospitalizations that were worthless and made me more frustrated than before I entered. The whole system is backwards. I can’t stand it. And because I don’t have a degree I can’t change it or try to. And it’s my fault I don’t have a degree. I can’t blame anyone else. If I was smarter and less prone to mental breakdowns I would have had my degree by now, or at least closer to it. But no. I get the fuck its and my life is now over. There is no stopping me unless I win the lottery or something major shifts in my life, like they find a cure for CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I just tell my doc that the vicoden works for me but in reality it doesn’t really do much anymore. It takes some of the pain away but it comes back when it wears off. I had evidence of that last night. I took two vicoden with my night time meds and then got my second wind around midnight. By then, the pain meds wore off and I needed to take some more around two in the morning because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can tolerate pain but when it becomes more than a 7 on a scale of 1-10, I have to take something before it gets out of control. Right now I am ok. But it’s day time. Pain won’t start until around 7 O’clock pm. And it is like this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So why should I live again?