Somehow I woke up on my back and it hurt so bad. I could stand up or do anything. I was down for the count. I have been sleeping all day from my pain meds. I was supposed to do an errand for my mother but that got curtailed because my father needed me.
I am still feeling depressed. I ate today. My mother made some escarole soup. I didn’t finish it but it was good. I’m still feeling out of it because of the meds. I just hope I don’t have to go to the ER with my father.
Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things
I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.
The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.
I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.
It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.
Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.
I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.
Sleepy Friday
I didn’t get enough rest most of the week so I think today made up for it. Plus my back has been on and off cramping and in pain. I wanted to make pancakes for breakfast but I couldn’t stand up straight so I made an egg burrito instead. I planned on making the pancakes for lunch but that never happened. I am not even hungry and it’s close to dinner time. My mother will be making fish.
I still think my back is out of sorts because of the damn weather. It keeps fluctuating between 10-15 degrees, enough to cause havoc on me. My ever so understanding mother, keeps telling me to get a back brace, like that is going to solve the problem. I didn’t tell her my back was the reason I was sleeping all day or why I didn’t go out. She just doesn’t fucking getting and I am tired of explaining myself to a dead horse.
I found out today that Harper Lee passed away today. I am glad she wrote her second book before she died. I had read “To Kill a Mockingbird” in high school. It was a very good book.
I sent out my last blog to my psychiatrist but omitted the last paragraph. I don’t know if she read it or not as I haven’t heard from her. I was hoping she would be back in the office this week but I guess not. I hope her family member is not deathly ill. I will feel really sad.
I started writing a therapy journal in one of the composition notebooks that I have. I am going to record each session after they happen just so I know what goes on. Then I can blog about it, if I choose. I had the idea that it might work so that I can remember more of what happens in therapy as soon as I hang up, my thoughts go out the window. For once, I would like to jot down my thoughts and see where they lead.
I had taken a Zyrtec D pill yesterday because I thought it would help with this damn congestion that I have. Wrong. It helped relieve the sinus pressure a little bit but now I am all clogged up again and can’t breathe through my nose. I can’t use Afrin because I don’t have an airway to breathe in the medicine. I just have to wait and I am getting impatient. But my nose is running just fine with mucus, despite being clogged. I guess I rather have it in the front of my throat than in my back. If it was the reverse, I might be puking/gagging. I want something warm, like a hot chocolate or tea. Maybe when I go back downstairs, I will make it. I have been wanting a hot chocolate all day.
I can’t wait till Monday. I have the meeting with my NP and I hope she can give me something for this. My ears have been off with all this congestion. Last night it was so bad I was contemplating going to the urgent care center they have by Walgreens. It just opened up a month or two ago. But I haven’t been feeling good to walk anyways, even though I would love a Mountain Dew right now. I hope my back is better tomorrow so I can go out and maybe get a latte.
I am not feeling really well today. My back is still kinked up, making it hard to move and get around. I am watching my niece and just made her lunch. Now I need to rest for a bit. It is still pretty cold out. She and her cousin went out for a little bit. I went outside to see where they were but couldn’t see where. I panicked a little bit but they came home like five minutes later, much to my relief.
I was able to sneak upstairs to my room for therapy. It was another boring session. She tried to get me to get out of the trapped feeling but it’s no use. I need to do what I need to do. I know she may not like it but oh well. I really don’t care. I told her our time next week might be disrupted because my father needs to see his doctor. She didn’t like that idea. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment Wednesday. That day is supposed to be bad with weather so I might have to do it Thursday. It would be better if we can see him Friday. Then I don’t have to worry about missing therapy.
I have been listening to Eric Church via my earbuds for most of the afternoon. I find that it’s helping to pass away time while my niece and cousin do their own thing. They are watching a movie now. I am tired and really want a nap but that would be derelict in my duties so I need to stay awake. The 600 mg of IB I took seems to be helping my back pain. I can move a little better, but I still am not standing straight.
Aside from feeling physically awful with my back, I am feeling miserable mood wise. I am glad the kids aren’t talking with me because I am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I am just not talkative today. My thoughts are slow too. Just to read ten pages in a book was painful. I don’t think I am going to read anymore today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up every couple of hours because of back pain. Every time I moved, I hurt. I kept having to switch sides and it hurt really bad. I hope the temp stays where it is so I can recover.
I did some research today via the web. It was useful and I can draw on it to make a story out of it. I just got to think of it. But today is not the day. I am much to tired. I wish it was four already so I could go up to my room and sleep. I don’t have much of an appetite today. I had a sandwich for breakfast and a banana. That’s been it along with some apple juice. I am sure the reason for not being hungry is because I am depressed. I just don’t care about anything anymore.
I found out what my therapist wanted me to write the other day. She wanted me to write about her caring about me. There, I wrote it. Probably not what she intended me to write but oh well. That is all that I have to say on the matter.
midnightdemons7 
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