Tag: bipolar disorder

Can’t Breathe

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t breathe

I am all clogged up with my nose. I would still be sleeping if I wasn’t breathing through my mouth and it got dry. But it’s good that I woke up because I had to take my night meds. I am feeling a little bit better mentally. I just wish I could breathe.

I checked my mail. All I did was go down and then up the stairs and now my ankle hates me. WTF. I got a benefit statement form from SSD. I hope that will be enough to send to the loan people that I am disabled. I still haven’t received my award letter. I also got the stupid Humana stuff. I cancelled it last week and they send me something every day for the past week. Holy moly what a waste of paper. I can’t believe that an agency would enroll someone without telling them first and giving them the option of enrolling. It’s just so stupid.

I will be having a third dose of pain meds tonight. I have been taking them around the clock today because the pain has been so bad. I still haven’t moved my bowels despite taking senna. I am hoping coffee tomorrow morning gets things moving. I am starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am debating on using Afrin to clear my nasal passages so I can fricken breathe. Thing is, it always makes me sneeze after I use it so I think I am wasting the medicine because I just sneeze it out. I have to get a different kind of Afrin as the menthol one is just too strong. I think that is why I sneeze after I use it. I am going to go for a moisturizing one.

I’m also debating whether or not to read another boring chapter in the “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I want to get through the book so I can complete it as part of my reading challenge I set up for the year through GoodReads. I want to read at least 20 books this year. So far I have read two. One friend wants to read a 150 books. That requires some skill. I am also keeping a database of the books I have read this year. I like to keep my excel skills up. I haven’t made an formulas or anything, just a basic sheet that tells me what I have read and the time it took to read it. GoodReads doesn’t give me that kind of information.

I like this book, it’s an “easy” read meaning that it’s not technical with a lot of jargon but there are a lot of references throughout the chapters that I read. My therapist just wants me to read a chapter out of sync rather than reading it chapter to chapter. I can’t do that as it messes with my OCD quirks. I have to read from beginning to end. I can’t hop around. Only time I have done that is if I am researching something and need a specific chapter to know what I am looking for. Like I bought a book about suicidal risk management and I totally forgot why I bought it. It was a follow up to an article I read that I couldn’t get online so I bought the book that it was in but I forgot the reference. It is frustrating because I have this book now and it’s just sitting there. I might read it after I finish every book that is on my list. It’s a small book, about 250 pages, so I should have no problems reading it.

The other book that I am reading (I always read two or three books at the same time) is on the “Explorations in Personality”. That book is hard to read because it has a lot of technical talk and sometimes it has Latin words that I don’t understand or even words that I think are made up like “infavoidance”. It lists this word but they don’t define it and it gets frustrating after a while because you read and then need a dictionary to understand what you are fucking reading. It just takes time and effort with this book and my patience is low. I have to take it in small steps. It’s going to take a long time to read this book. It’s about 400 pages. I am up to page 105 so I have 300 to go. I’m only reading it to find out more about needs but I am afraid this book is way over my head and I am just not understanding it like Shneidman has. It’s like they make up words and you are left with a “huh” type of feeling. And they haven’t even gotten to the study part yet. It’s just a real bore but I find it interesting only because I feel it’s a part of history reading stuff from that era.

I’m hungry and I can’t decide if I want cereal or a breakfast bar. I am leaning toward a breakfast bar. I find it more filling than cereal. I never had my Chinese food tonight. My mother wanted hot dogs and beans. I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Fridge Fiasco

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco

I helped my mother this morning emptying the fridge and putting them either outside or on the porch where it is cold. I then went upstairs to my room and slept as I wasn’t feeling good. My ankle still hurts and the pain pills were kicking in. When I woke up a few hours later, the delivery guy was here but our new fridge wasn’t. It was damaged. My mother was beyond bullshit. How could they load a damaged unit and not know it until they reached a customer’s house?? It doesn’t make any sense. So all our work this morning was wasted and now we had to put everything back. It did wonders for my ankle.

I still am in a shitty mood. I hate being in pain and I have been for more than 24 hours now. I know it is because I did too much. Two straight days of being at the hospital and traveling by T just killed me. I don’t know how I am going to handle going there 3 days a week for two weeks. I am just glad it is in the afternoon and not the morning. I am not a morning person. Only thing that sucks about this is that I can’t go to the square to get my coffee. I will have to make it at home.

I am also in a bad mood because SSD lied to me or at least got the wrong information. Yesterday they told me they didn’t receive any information from my therapist and today it miraculously appeared. My therapist didn’t receive anything. So I am not sure who is the faulty party. And I don’t know what information they want/needed that they have. Pisses me off that I am jumping through hoops here. She said that I would get a notification in a few weeks. Great. Just fucking great. Meanwhile the voices are running rampant saying that I am not going to get awarded because I am a lazy ass. That I am not disabled enough and other horrible things. I really can’t take it. I feel like I am losing it. Maybe I have lost it. I really just want to die. That will solve everything, least in my mind.

While we were going through the freezer stuff, I found the PF Chang food that I forgot that I bought. I think I will have that tonight for dinner. It will go nicely with some Jasmine rice. Least that is what I want to do. It might not happen because of my pain. Between putting the food back in the fridge and then making a hamburger for lunch, my ankle is toast. Today is gearing up to be just a pain med day. I am really sleepy, too. I do hope that my therapist has an opening today but it’s already 1330 and she hasn’t called me so I am thinking it’s not going to happen.

I’m debating on making coffee. I haven’t had it and I am really sleepy. But then, pain meds will do that to you. I need to take another dose soon as my ankle is screaming at me. I wish it would pipe down. I might need to pull out the big guns (stronger pain med). I hate taking this med because of constipation. It really backs me up. I am going to try taking some Neurontin to try and see if that helps me sleep some. I doubt it but it might ease some of my pain, too.

in an awful mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.

Nerve wracking day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nerve Wracking Day

Just got off the phone with the SSD and my claim is still under review. They are waiting for my therapist to input their paperwork. So I just texted my therapist to check her mail. Now I got a nervous butterfly in my stomach. Only because I don’t know which address they may have sent it. I hope they sent it to the address I gave them and not on the web because those addresses are no longer current!

I spent the morning with my father for his appointment. We arrived 45 minutes early and we couldn’t enter the place until 0830. Every 5-10 minutes my father was looking at his watch. He was such a fink. The appointment went longer than expected. I just really wanted to get out of there. I didn’t have a book or my headphones with me so it was like time dragged on and on. Then I went to his apartment to fix his pills because I wasn’t going to go out again tomorrow. I am hurting really bad because I over exerted myself today.

My mother ordered a new refrigerator because our current one is not working properly. It is coming tomorrow and I need to empty the freezer and transfer the stuff to the basement freezer. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. I am glad it’s not overstocked but the basement freezer is not exactly empty either. I just hope that I can find room for everything. I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in before I start moving stuff. I also need a nap because I have been going since 0500 and haven’t really had a little downtime. I just had lunch a little while ago as I haven’t had anything to eat since 0530.

I really am annoyed that the person I spoke to from SSA didn’t really care what I was telling her. I just hope she sent my therapist’s paperwork to the right place. They got my other records from the hospital I go to, so I am happy about that. The only hold up is my therapist. Fuck. And I won’t find out till next Tuesday if she got the paperwork. I should have called before my appointment with her but I didn’t want to as I came home close to my time with her. At least I know I am getting somewhere with my claim, though it’s not really a claim but a review.

I decided to go back to reading “Evidenced-based practices in suicidology”. I was reading it this morning while I had my coffee. I must have read ten pages and was wondering where suicide fell in what they were talking about. They just gave a history of where evidence based practice came from and it just goes on. This is the worst book and it is so misleading. You really can’t judge a book by its cover!

I had therapy and we spent most of the time talking about how annoying my father was. We also talked about how annoying the voices are becoming. They are encroaching on everything lately. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything without some commentary going on. I know it’s only going to get worse in the upcoming weeks as I have to spend more time with my “lovely” father. I told her that I had to put off my physical therapy because of his stuff that is going on. I probably won’t be able to go through the course until the middle of February. Until then, I just have to muddle through like I have been doing. I did forget to tell her about my bladder accident yesterday and how it affected me. Oh well. I am kind of over it anyways.

About half way through our session, the pain meds kicked in. I really don’t remember what we talked about after. She wants me to get something to eat and rest. So I guess me going up and down stairs to the basement freezer is out. I am too tired to do that anyway. If I have energy later, I might do it. Course it is so cold out, I don’t understand why we can’t just put the stuff on the porch. Just wrap them up good in plastic bags and they should be ok.

Our mail is either really late or really early. Lately, we have been the latter and it is annoying because I am waiting for stuff to complete my loans stuff. I am getting more anxious about it as more time passes. My feet are bloody cold. Back to wearing thermal socks. I should just glue them to my feet because my feet have been so damn cold lately, even under blankets. It’s like no matter what I do, they are just cold and won’t warm up unless I have these socks on.