Tag: bipolar disorder

Turn on the Neon Light

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Turn on the Neon Light

I’m back to listening to Eric Church’s new album. I am stuck on “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. This song just gets me. I don’t know what it is about the song that gets me going.

Today is the final match up between Tom Brady and Pey-a-ton Manning. Least I hope it will be. Manning deserves to get his ass whooped and severely at that. But I know this is going to be a nail biter of a game. Both teams want the Super Bowl badly. It’s going to be nerve racking. I just hope I have the house to myself. I plan on having a margarita, just a small one. It’s premixed so I don’t have to do anything. No mixing of alcohol, just pour and serve. But something tells me that my mother is not going out and I will have to watch the game on my small kitchen TV.

I spent the morning calling Sears to get a new fridge for my mother. It was a no go. Every time I got a human they told me to call some other number. It was so damn frustrating. Then because the phone rang and rang for so long it got hung up. So now my mother has to go to the store to order it. She doesn’t believe in online orders, though I am kind of with her on that front. Spending over $500 is a big purchase and you should see it before buying it. Only thing that I will buy online for that amount of money would be a laptop because I know what I am getting. All my laptops have been Dells so I am partial to that company.

I woke up again in pain. I made some lunch after I took a reasonably longer shower than I am used to. My ankle didn’t like that. I was still hungry after the cheeseburger so made some popcorn. We have an air-popper and it makes really good homemade popcorn. Now my ankle really hates me but I really want a drink so I am not going to take anymore pain meds.

Last night I realized that it would be convenient and cost effective if I got my blood pressure meds via mail than retail pharmacy. So I put the request in. I hope tomorrow they do what I ask. I was very clear in my email. But I was clear the last time I requested a 90 day supply and I got a 30 day supply. I hope they send it to the right place because I am running low and I don’t want to spend $20 if I don’t have to. Tomorrow I need to refill my pain meds. I hope the sidewalks are clear as we got a few inches of snow last night. Last thing I need is to twist my ankle in the snow because someone didn’t shovel.

I haven’t read anything in the last few days. I keep meaning to but I’m stuck. The last chapter I read for the EBP in Suicidology was a tough but short chapter. It was kind of rag time and I hated reading it. But I started the book and I am going to finish it. I am on chapter 4 now. There are like 15 chapters I think, so I am almost 1/3 way through the book. I haven’t gone back to Explorations in Personality. I will do that when I am desperate for something to read or when I need to be bored to hell. It is so tough reading this book because you need a dictionary to help you read it. You also need to make mental notes as you go along because the author like to abbreviate common words as he is going along. It is annoying. The third book I am reading is Dostoevsky. I really need to read that book when I have patience or want to get lost into nothingness.

Pissed off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off

I have a friend that is being treated like a bad person by her son. There are issues that I won’t get into but it’s got me thinking about my own mother. And frankly, she is a bad mother. She has never accepted me. Sure she will gladly accept my money but that is the only thing she accepts. The other day I was cold in my room so was wearing my beanie hat. She made a comment that if I wore long hair, I wouldn’t be cold. I ignored it like I usually do because she doesn’t know that I am transgender. I don’t even think she knows what being transgender is about. Today she called me “miss” and I flew off the fucking handle. It was the way she said it that really ticked me off. I wanted so badly to tell her to call me sir but I kept biting my tongue.

Tonight, she called me to tell me what she was making for dinner. It was cauliflower with pasta. I already had a bunch of carbs with the oatmeal pancakes I made for breakfast and wanted something else. She hung up on me when I declined. I am so pissed off when she hangs up on me. I did nothing to deserve this and I know we have been getting in a tiff all fucking day because we have been cooped up in the house because of the fucking weather. But I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

I am so damn angry at her because she never validates what I go through. She doesn’t accept my short men hair cuts. But I can’t be her “daughter”. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t know why she hates me so damn much. And don’t anyone tell me different. A mother should accept their child unconditionally. She has conditions and I don’t fit in them. It fuels my suicidality because I never will have the mother that I should have. It pisses me off because there are mothers, like my friend, who will do anything for their child and doesn’t expect anything in return except maybe a little gratitude.

My mother has been against me seeing a therapist from the get-go. She thinks she should be my therapist. How can I talk with her when she doesn’t even accept that depression is an illness? I have tried to talk with her and her response is always to “let it go” and don’t think about it. Would a therapist tell their client this? Hell no. That is why I don’t talk to her about my problems. I might vent that about the disability paperwork might rescind my claim and no longer call me disabled. Her response was she needs the money for the mortgage. I should cut the cable bill by totally disconnecting it. That will save me a hundred bucks a month. Just to piss her off. She is just so damn callous. She isn’t like this with my sisters.

I am in pain all the damn time yet she thinks, I am willing to bet, that I should be working despite this. She just has no respect for me at all. And it hurts.

Fridge Fiasco 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco 2

Today was the day we were supposed to get the non-damaged new fridge. Except we didn’t. The new fridge was slightly larger height wise so wouldn’t fit in our space. Great. All the work that we did emptying out the fridge, again, was wasted. Because it is still freezing out, we have the freezer stuff on the back porch still. My mother nor I, didn’t want to bring them in the house just yet. My mother didn’t measure the fridge before she bought it. She thought all fridges came the same size. Now because we don’t have a fridge, I am going to have to wait to place my grocery order. I had bought freezer stuff so it will have to wait. UGH.

Finally my SSD came through. I am determined to be disabled. My sister thinks I will be on a 3 year review schedule. It’s weird that they declared me disabled when they didn’t get any information from my psych team. I guess I was declared on my physical stuff rather than mental. I am just glad I don’t have to see their doctors. I was really nervous about that. Now that I have this information I can hopefully relax and the voices can pipe down.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0400 in severe pain. It was the first time in a long time that this has happened. Since this morning when I woke up, the pain levels have been minimum, which I find odd because I have been moving stuff back and forth throughout the house and going up and down stairs. I want to take a shower, which I will do once the frozen stuff is in the freezer. I even made pancakes without too much pain. I’m still waiting for my ankle or foot to explode. It’s at a 4 right now, which is my baseline. I promised myself that if the pain got severe again, I would take the stronger pain meds today. I need a fricken break. Four days straight this pain has been going on. I can’t take much more.

The manic stuff I was experiencing yesterday went away. I wish I could have it back. I only want it back because I am exhausted from this afternoon’s activities. It’s supposed to snow today but they still haven’t pinpointed a time. The hardest hit will be the Cape. I think when it starts snowing, I will bring in the freezer stuff on the porch. They don’t need to be buried in the snow.

Energized and then caput!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.