Tag: blog

Random 525

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

My day was longer than expected. After my father had his appointment, we had lunch, which was good and bad. I don’t know how many times he said he was a good cook and then he “playfully” was charging me for the meal. I hated being there. I should have just left but I wanted to make sure the jerk ate something and I knew the only way for that to happen was if I ate with him. I could go into detail about the torture he put me under but I won’t. I still am a good for nothing person and that is all that I will say. The only good thing was that I had lunch.

I am very annoyed this ass still gets me feeling like a jerk when I did nothing wrong. I put the dishes in the sink but apparently it wasn’t the “right way”. Meanwhile, he is running water like he owns the company. He turned it on and then sat down to watch TV. Unreal. If that were me, he would have chopped my head off. He is losing it. 83 years old and he acts like an idiot.

I didn’t carry my bag as I didn’t think I would be writing anything. I was right. I just didn’t have time. I knew the idiot would be there early for his appointment so I just grabbed my mocha and left. I didn’t order extra shots for fear of being dizzy. Now that I am home, I am going to have some gin. I think I have earned it after spending three fucking hours with an asshole.

I tried to make some space on my phone as my memory keeps sucking. I have a 64GB SD card and I have no memory?? Turns out, it’s my phone’s memory not the card. So now I got to find files I can transfer to the card. I tried while I was waiting for my father but it kept giving me a duplicate message error. I am going to have to hook up my phone to the laptop and sort it out. I think some songs that I bought are on the phone rather than the card, so there is a start. That will free up some MB of memory.

I might write a drunk blog, depending on how much gin I drink. And I don’t give a fuck. This week has been hell. I know this means I can’t take a pain pill but I really don’t care. You know what will be really funny? If I go out for my birthday and I get carded. I always get carded whenever I want to drink, which is not often. But my sisters won’t. It kills me because I am the fucking oldest. I don’t drink often but when I do, it’s in excess, usually.

I don’t care how much gin I drink tonight. I just wish my phone would fucking cooperate with me. It won’t transfer the files from my phone to my SD card nor my desktop. UGH. I might have to call Sprint and see what can be done about this. I have tried several different ways of transferring the files and it keeps giving me an error message like the damn files are burned to my phone and it won’t let go. I really want to transfer the files so I can reset my MP3 player as it is not working right. I am getting frustrated.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Feeling better, physically at least

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling better, physically at least

I woke up with a start because I thought I was going to lose control of my bladder. It’s the hurry up and run situation. It was still dusk out so I didn’t have to turn on the lights, except my bedroom light so I could see where I was going. I am feeling better than I was yesterday but I am still feel nauseous. Post nasal drip is not helping me out any. I still don’t have any appetite. But I plan on making an egg burrito in a couple of hours. I should have juice with it but am afraid the acid might make me sick as I am not feeling 100%.

I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up at 0244 and then again a few hours later. But I don’t feel as sick as I did so that is good. I hope my appetite comes back because I am seeing my friend tonight for dinner. It will suck if he eats and I dabble. I am looking forward to meeting my friend more than just having dinner with him. I enjoy his company and our talks. He is a good friend.

Since cyber Monday, I have been getting a shit load of junk email. Prices have been marked down so buy this and that. I just got one from Vitamin Shoppe. I wish I could unsubscribe from them but there is no stupid link to do so. I must get at least 5 emails from them a day. It is so annoying. I would block them but I order from them occasionally so need to have them in my contacts.

I’m still depressed. I just can’t get away from the cloud of depression. It follows me everywhere. I wish there was something I could take for it to make it go away. But I think I have suffered too long with it that there is no recovering from it. Sometimes I am at peace with it but when it’s accompanied by pain, all bets are off. I cannot tolerate psychache, least not like I used to. I used to have a high tolerance for pain. I think I still do, but I grow weary of being in pain all the time. It’s annoying. And there is no relief in sight. It’s not like I can take two aspirins and be okay. Maybe for my general physical pain I can do that, but not with psychache. It’s all in the mind and there is nothing soothing when you feel it. It consumes you to no end.

I have to take a shower sometime today before I go out. That is going to be the greatest task today. I feel crummy mentally so I don’t really want to shower. I think I am going on three days of no showering. It’s so hard when you feel like crap. I think I will try to take one around 0900 today. Then I can go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. If I time it right, I might be able to squeeze in a nap before my therapist’s appointment. I know I will be tired around 1000 or so. I usually am when I wake up around dusk or earlier. I’m going to need rest today if I am going to make it to my friend’s dinner date.

It’s cold and I’m hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s Cold and I’m hurting

Bloody temp was suppose to go up to at least 40 degrees but never made it passed 33 degrees all day. And the wind has been horrible. At the train station while waiting for the bus, it was like a wind tunnel. You could barely open the doors the wind was so strong. I opted to take a different bus home because they had an entire class of 2nd or 3rd graders waiting for my bus that I usually take. HELL NO. They were so damn noisy. I still made it home in time but I got sick when I came home. I think I might be having withdrawals from my pain meds because I am out of them. The script is ready now, I just have to pick it up but the world is fricken spinning when I stand up. I nearly fell when I came up to my room. How I managed not to fall over while undressing and changing into my PJs is beyond me. Now I have to go back out again and I really don’t want to. I had to take a strong pain pill because if I am in withdrawal, I figure something is better than nothing. I never went a full 24 hour period without taking at least one pill. And running out isn’t my fault. I should have had my script Friday but because of the change in my pharmacy’s damn policy, I am made to suffer. The pharmacist is going to hear about this. I will need to know if my doc needs to write a diagnosis on future scripts or not. Such a pain in the ass.

My cousins from Texas visited my aunt today so I got to see them. It was nice talking to them. I haven’t seen them since last year. I used to visit them when they lived in DC but they moved to Texas earlier this year. My cousin works for Exxon/Mobil and moved back to headquarters I guess. They used to live there for a long time before going to DC. They now have two cats which are adorable. Last time he sent me pics, they were kittens.

I got some upsetting news from my psychiatrist today. She will be having her hip replaced because her hip never healed right after the fall she took last year. I feel so bad for her. She will be out of the office from Dec 11 till the first week in Jan. She said she will keep in touch via email. I hope so. I care for her so much. I hope she recovers well. She gave me my scripts that I will need in her absence. The hospital will be going to a new electronic system and she won’t be able to print out scripts from home for my Ativan. That will totally stink. But I can’t fill it yet as it will be too early. I just filled it two weeks ago but she rather me have the script now than with the new system. She is too funny when she was describing all the clicking involved. I am sure she will get the hang of it like she did the old system when it was new. Still, I won’t see her before the holidays and that is sad. I guess when you need a new hip, you need a new hip.

I haven’t told my therapist yet. I figure I will tell her tomorrow when I walk with her. We don’t have that much to talk about tomorrow, other than how the holidays went. I barely remember it. I know one thing, I will never buy food before a holiday again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was telling my psychiatrist that I had a hard time deciding what to eat because I have so much stuff. I feel like giving it away. I am just one person. Other than my powerade, steak, and butternut squash, there is nothing more that I really want. I ate a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks today and that was all I ate. I am still full from that one sandwich. I should have something to eat as I didn’t have lunch. I just don’t know what to have. Maybe that is why I am dizzy too. I haven’t had anything to drink either. I just had my mocha this morning. I have been trying to drink Powerade but it’s slow going because I have no thirst. I am a mess. I blame the depression. If only I could lose some weight instead of gaining it, but I just am not active enough. Stupid ankle.