Tag: Blogging

Down Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Down Day

I went to Starbucks early this morning. I was hungry and wanted a latte. I should have rested as my thigh is still sore from the fall the other day but I didn’t want to stay at home all day. I wrote in my journal an update of what has transpired the past month as it has been a month since I last wrote in it. It was the day after I found out my father had a few days to a week to live. A lot has happened since then. After writing, I felt down. I really feel sad about things.

I came home because after writing, it was time to leave to catch the next bus home. Now I am in my room and I just feel this tremendous sadness. Things that I collected from my father’s apartment have been on my bed for the past few weeks. I finally placed them in an envelope so I wouldn’t see them anymore. I had a picture book of photos of my father’s family that I made him one year. I decided to keep it because I made it and it has some of my favorite photos in it. Just makes me sad that most of the people in the book are gone now, including my father.

I have to go out tomorrow and I don’t want to unless I can leave in my PJs. I don’t think I can do that, though I would love to. I will just wear my sweatpants rather than my jeans. I have the weekend to stay at home. And then I will have a busy Monday and Tuesday. I don’t think I am going to see my therapist next week. I will see her the following week. It’s strange not having anything to do with my father. It’s like I suddenly have all this free time again to do whatever I want to do. I have a couple of projects that I need to do in my room. One is clearing off my bed so I can change the sheets. There is one corner of my bed that just accumulates stuff. I don’t know how it happens and every time I change my sheets I swear to myself it won’t happen again. But it does. I don’t get it.

Last night, I stayed up pretty late, like 0330 late. I was watching NetFlix and I just couldn’t sleep after watching an episode of Friends. Then I went on Twitter and there was a guy that played in SG1 and the Beautiful Mind. I figured I would watch that movie as I haven’t watched it in a while. Turns out, you needed to be in the DVD club to get the DVD. I was so pissed. This is the second movie that I wanted to watch but couldn’t because it wasn’t available. I guess NetFlix is fine for TV shows but terrible for DVD. I am not spending an additional $8 a month for this club. I will take my DVD watch it, then cancel the service. If I want a DVD, I will buy it on Amazon.

I finally found out what chapter to read in the “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients” book that I bought several months ago. I plan on reading it this afternoon. I might blog about it later if it’s worthy of writing about. It’s a chapter on the ethical side of standards of care for suicidal patients. It’s something that I haven’t read before. Jobes talks a little about it in his book on Managing Suicidal Risk but I never paid that much attention because I am not a clinician. Yesterday on Twitter, there was a presentation of basically how to avoid malpractice suits. The key concept is, of course, good documentation. That is why I love the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has all your documentation needs right there. There is no need, in my opinion, for more. The Risk management book has both inpatient and outpatient guidelines by pretty much the same authors. And these authors are the big wigs in the suicidology field.

I need to write a letter of thanks to the Hospice group for all they have done for us the day my father died. I have been meaning to write it for a while now but I had other things to take care of that I just haven’t gotten around to it. I have been meaning to call the grief social worker to talk to her but I don’t know what I did with her card. I’ll talk to my psychiatrist on Monday about talking with her, just to get her input. This has been really hard on me because of my depression issues. It’s hard to tease away the grief from the depression that I always feel.

Post 1755

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1755

Before I left for the hospital, one of my lights blew out. I decided to change both bulbs at the same time so that I could gauge when they needed to be changed next. I didn’t realize how bright two 60 watt green lights would be. They are the ones that are energy efficient so not your typical 60 watt bulbs. I sometimes have to change to my single lamp as the brightness is overwhelming.

I had therapy today. We got caught up with the hospital and where I was. I talked about how triggering the essay I am writing is. I am not sure I will type it up today. I am kind of in a somewhat okay mood and don’t want to feel sad by reading or remembering what happened. I told her about the fall I took yesterday as I am sore today. My left thigh and right knee hurt. I think I might have sprained my right foot but it’s not bothering me like it did last night. I really took a dinger from that step. There should have been a warning there was a step. Usually they paint the step so you have some warning. Nope. Unreal. I am just glad I didn’t break anything or hurt myself. I would have been at the bottom of a stairwell where no one would have seen me.

We talked for a half hour into session and then I thought time was up. I didn’t realize we still had like twenty minutes left. We talked about the grief a little bit and about how I don’t have happy memories of my father. It wasn’t like he made an effort to be a part of my life and I didn’t make an effort to be a part of his. I don’t know who lost more. My therapist said that I will always grieve the loss of a dad that I never had. I think that is why I haven’t cried a good cry since he died. I kind of wish he wanted to buried in the ground just so there would be some closure and maybe some visitation. But all we have are ashes. It’s not the same thing.

I wrote to a friend that I think the increase in sertraline is helping with my depression as I am eating better and have interest in baseball again. Past few days, I have been watching or keeping tabs more with the Sox. I don’t think I told my therapist this. I still am in awe that I watched a complete game (entire 9 innings) this weekend. I also watched 11 innings the following day. Sox won both games. I missed Don and Jerry very much. Jerry was there but the new guy, Dave, doesn’t have the chemistry, yet. I am used to Dave being on the radio. I haven’t listened to the radio since the end of last season. They have a new guy announcing the play by play. I think his name is either Tim or Jim Neverett. I am just glad Joe Castig is still announcing on the radio. I like him.

I am glad I was able to take what I normally take in the morning rather than what the hospital was giving me. I was still sleepy because I woke up at 0500. I had to pee. It took a little while to get back to sleep and then I was done for. I tried taking a nap around 1130 and then panicked thinking I overslept for my appointment with my therapist. I didn’t. I am glad I am waking around 0500 rather than 0300. Those two hours of sleep mean so much. I also went to bed later than I did when I was in the hospital. While I was in, I went to bed before 2300 most nights. It was rare for me to be awake past that hour, even if I took an evening nap. Unlike when I take an evening nap at home, I am up till 0200.

Just came up the stairs from my sister’s apt and my thigh is thanking me severely. On my bad foot, I didn’t realize I stepped on some paint chips. They were stuck to my foot where I can’t feel. I am glad I checked my feet for debris before putting them in my bed. I am just going to rest for the evening as much as possible. Stair climbing and descending hurts too much. I must have really pulled a muscle when I tripped over that step. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I can lay low. I should have laid low today but I wanted a mocha so bad. I was feening for Starbucks after a week of not having their coffee or lattes.

Random 344

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a tumble while leaving the hospital. I scraped my knee but I don’t think I did anything to it. I am sure I am going to be sore tomorrow. While I was in the hospital, my Achilles flared up on me. It seems to be getting worse and the lump isn’t going away. When I see the NP Friday I am going to tell her about it. The pain is so bad that my pain meds aren’t touching it.

I am glad to be home. My mother welcomed me home with “I’m glad I have my roommate back”. Nice, thanks Ma. She is making spareribs and I stole some BBQ sauce from my sister’s apartment. She was going to use ketchup and I wasn’t going to have it. I would have gone to the store and get the sauce if my sister didn’t have any.

I am having a better day today than I did yesterday, other than being in pain. I am really tired as I woke up at 0330 again with birds chirping. I also had to pee and get a pain med because my ankle was smarting. My right was hurting more than my left so I needed something. I am worried that something is wrong with my Achilles. It seems the lump is still the same, it hasn’t changed but now it’s really painful. Soon as I came home I took two pain pills. I might be knocked out but I don’t care. I am home and I have nothing else to do today except eat spareribs.

I am glad I am writing my blog on my laptop. I missed writing on it. When I feel up to it, I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital about my father’s demise. I think once I have it in a word doc, things might be a little easier because it won’t be so black and white.

I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I really wanted to talk to her at least once this week. I realized over the weekend, this was the first hospitalization that I didn’t write her any letters. I usually write her a couple while inpatient. I hope she won’t be disappointed.

The Plan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

The Plan

I talked with my therapist today about the hospital. We spent a good amount of time talking about it. She thinks that I need a rest and need to go in because the depression is too much. The plan is that I go in tomorrow morning to the psych ED hospital where I have the majority of my care. I think it will be easier for my psychiatrist to “control” things and get me where I need to be. I just hope I don’t end up in Timbuktu hospital. I don’t know what the bed availability of the hospital that I like is going to be. It might be a long wait. That is why I figure on going in the morning, before my mother wakes up. My therapist said that I should leave a note. I don’t feel comfortable with this idea but it might be better than her calling me every hour, trying to get in touch with me. She doesn’t understand the complexity of going in the hospital and that I might not have use of my cell phone. I haven’t told my sisters yet. The only people that really know are the people of the blog world.

I ate today. But it’s been the only thing that I have had besides an Ensure. Last night I was bitching because I needed $0.55 to complete an order for free shipping from Walgreens.com and around midnight, I spent more than the minimum amount for the same order. I ordered more Ensure as well as the Aspercreme lidocaine cream. I should have just bought it in the store today when I went for my mother. It would have saved me $35. I still can’t believe that I am still suffering from the physical symptoms of depression for the past five months or so. I asked my therapist when this was going to end and she had no answer for me. Five months is a long time for an episode. I hope my psychiatrist read my blog that I wrote last night. It details the depressive episode to a T.

I would have gone to the hospital today but I had no energy to deal with people today or lug my things to the hospital. Just going to Walgreens for a few items that I needed for my stay wore me out. I can’t believe the price of file boards. They used to be 99 cents. Now they are close to $8. Ridiculous. But I need the “safety” ones so I can use them in the hospital as they don’t allow the pointy ones or a nail cutter. I probably won’t use it, but you never know. I also bought a trial size of shampoo. The price of that went up as well. Unreal. Nothing is 99 cents anymore.

I have to take a shower tonight. It has been warm the past few days so I have been sweating. I don’t understand why I stink because I shaved my underarms. I know you can still smell, but it hasn’t been that long since my last shower! I smell like it’s been ages since I showered. I hate it. Because of the warm weather, I am in a quandary of what kind of clothes to wear tomorrow. If I wear shorts, it might be cold when I get discharged. I think even though I will be really warm, I will wear my jeans. I will pack a sweatshirt just in case. I don’t think the temps will be below 40 but knowing New England, it can drop that much. I just have one bag to pack and then I will be set. I just hope I can carry both bags on public transportation without hurting myself.