Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Chronic Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

researchers have found a link between chronic pain and suicide.

that is something that I have known for sometime now as I am a chronic pain sufferer and have thought of killing myself numerous times to get rid of the pain. it is why sometime this year I plan on killing myself. it is not going to get better. I have a chronic pain condition and I really don’t care anymore. I will go through the motions of getting treatment knowing it is not a cure. just a bandaid and it hurts. But clinicians need to ask the question if they ever want to prevent suicide. I am a hopeless case. I have mental illness on top of chronic pain. it is worse with my condition. I feel like I can’t talk openly with my provider because then he tampers with my pain meds. I will not kill myself with my meds. I have other methods running through my head. but this article is interesting. I hope that people who read my blog that suffer from chronic pain do call the 800 number to talk to someone. I hope that it can work that way but I know that most people will not pick up the phone and call. I don’t know why that is. I know I have called but I am still where I am. I have found it helpful at times but sometimes I feel like they are just pretending to care when they really don’t. Just my experience. but that shouldn’t stop you from calling.

RAMBLINGS 38

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to Buzzkill by Luke Bryan. Something about this song makes me think. I like the tune and melody of this song.

Been hurting the past few days. I took some pills last night, probably a little more than what I should have but I don’t care. I just took two Ativan and I am still waiting for it to make me crash. I just feel so awful inside it is not funny. I tried getting in touch with my therapist but she hasn’t called me back yet.

I want to go to the liquor store and get some beer. I have been looking forward to getting a new beer that tastes like lemonade. It is supposed to be really good. I think I would like that.

Another reason I am in a bad mood is that my bowels are going crazy. I have gone three times today and I feel like more on the way is going to happen. I just don’t want to go out and have an accident. SO I am stuck in the house once again. I have not taken a shower since Sunday. I keep telling myself today I will do it but not if I am shitting all the time. Make that four times and this time it was a race to the bathroom. Got to love CES. I so wanted to go out today but it just isn’t feasible. I hate it when my body strands me home.

I want to order Chinese food but my mother is making chicken wings tonight. I love her chicken wings. I will put a little hot sauce on mine as I want something a little spicy.

I got one more comment for my blog to reach 400. Maybe I will get one tonight. I really feel like I could pull the trigger and go crazy, take all my pills and see what happens. I am so close to that but it will take a long time to finish what I have and then I won’t have any for a month, which won’t be good. I still have to go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription there. I tweeted a direct message to their care center about their pepsi products in the 12 pk. They charge you sixty cents for the deposit but there is no deposit on the cans! I am so pissed that I am being charged for cans I cannot return. I have to place them in the recycle bin instead of getting money for it. Not that I drink a lot of soda or really care, but my mother cares. To her the nickel for the can means something to her.

second blog of the day 15-May-13

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Second blog of the day:

Normally I would be sleeping by now as it is after midnight but no such luck. This is the second night in a row that I have been up because of pain. I just took a ton of meds and hope that it knocks me out soon. I am tired of being in pain for the past 72 hours. My ankle has flared up on me tonight and I don’t know why. That pain calmed down and now I am dealing with nerve pain. I feel like my foot is in a vise and my toes are killing me.

And I don’t know if because I have been hunched over on the computer for so long, my stomach hurts. I can’t seem to “straighten” out to make it stop hurting. Lying down only makes it worse.

I just wrote a journal entry about my plan. I am no longer depressed, just suicidal. There is a difference and me being this way is a little more dangerous. Because I just don’t fucking care anymore. They say pain changes you, well mine has. I have been in constant pain and there is nothing to do but stop it. Yet the meds I take have to go through the voices in my head to justify taking the meds. I know it sounds silly as I am just fight with myself about it. The voices know that I am in pain but yet they hope that I overdose on my meds. That is why I have to be careful. If pushed by them too much I might give in and take a handful of meds that I really didn’t mean to. I just hope I fall asleep soon. I hate being like this. I can’t say that I am a happy person because I am not. I might appear to be to other people but it is just a façade. I have to make the appearance that I am ok even though I am not.

My therapist wants me to make the trip out to Framingham to see her. She says we need the connection. I just think that she wants to keep me in her office so she can keep an eye on me. But I don’t want to drive out there. I know it has been a while and I really should go but I just don’t feel like it because it just takes sooo many spoons to go. I have to shower, get dressed then take a bus to my sister’s work, walk three blocks to my sister’s work all for a fifty minute appointment? It takes more than that just to get my sister’s car!! And the drive can be anywhere from 45 mins to an hour and a half, both ways. Just doesn’t seem like a good idea given my pain cycle at the moment. I do miss seeing her and my teddy bear Johnny. He is a HUGE bear that I got when I was in the hospital when I was first diagnosed with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. That was 12 years ago. And then I got two little bearista bears that I got from Starbucks, Bucky and Amelia. I didn’t want Bucky to be alone so I got Amelia for him. They stay with my therapist, mostly to comfort her while I am gone. Hehehehe. Ok pain meds slightly kicking in now.

I was twittering with the Prez of the AAS (American Association of Suicidology) tonight about how the words suicidology and suicidality are not words Microsoft word recognizes. So he sent a twitter message to Bill Gates. I hope that he makes some noise because suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. I will be part of these statistics soon. That is all that I am, a statistic. I am nothing more than that to the world. I cannot believe that I am going to kill myself soon. And I am happy about it. I know that my pain will end. Thing is, though I have a date and all, I don’t have a plan. And that is troubling me because how can I kill myself if I don’t have a plan. I have a few ways I can do it, nothing that I will blog about because I don’t want to trigger any one or give someone the idea of how to do it.

I could experiment with some things but I just don’t have the energy for it. Besides, if I experiment and succeed too early then people are not going to be ready for my death. I just realized that I have to write letters to people to explain why I am doing what I am doing. I don’t want there to be a “why”. I know that there will be but I want to lessen it. I also know that there will be some questions about why didn’t my treaters to enough for me, but that simply is not true. They have tried to help me but I am just too hopeless for them. There is no medicine that can help me. And talk therapy has helped me stay alive for this amount of time but I am tired of talking. I am also tired of being in pain all the time. And the talking only helps when I see my therapist or blog/write about it. And I know to some I must sound like a whine bag or something because all I talk about is my physical pain of my ankle that no one can help take away.

Unless I hit the lottery or they find a cure for nerve damage I am stuck in pain and debt. Both of which hurt me very deeply. I just can’t ever get ahead with my debt because of I am no longer working anymore. I can’t even order out for food anymore. I know that sounds like a whine but I like ordering Chinese once in a while. And now I can no longer do that. I like ordering pizza and subs. Can’t do that anymore. I am not a good cook so I just have what my mother makes which isn’t the healthiest of choices because she likes to fry everything. Even vegetables. She will make say asparagus and then she will fry them the next day. Don’t get me wrong, they are good, but they aren’t healthy.

I have been trying to stick with the Special K diet in which you eat two bowls of cereal for breakfast and lunch and then have a sensible dinner. That is a fail. My stomach has been messed up since my bowels have been backed up for a week that I can’t think about eating and when I do, it is not for a bowl of cereal. And that is another reason why I hate myself, because it hurts so much to go to the bathroom. For the past few months I have been having nerve pain in my anus and rectal areas. Sometimes sitting is so painful I just want to scream. And there is nothing really I can take that makes it better. Vicoden barely touches the pain, if at all. I can’t go through life like this. No more, I have had enough.

accidents and other musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

I kind of feel lousy today. My stomach is not doing well and I had to take a cab home to hurry to the bathroom. I hate it when my stomach gets upset but the alternative of having an accident outside the home is more humiliating than having it in the home.

Funny how many will think of the word “accident” as a car or some kind of vehicle accident than a bowel or bladder incident. I had a few while I was working and it was not fun. I often had to go home afterwards to clean myself up. When asked why I said I had an accident and they immediately thought that I had a car accident. They didn’t realize that I had regressed to that of a two year old. How indignant is it that a grown person has a leaky bladder and when the stools are loose, an accident. I can’t help it. I have lost function of my bowel and bladder so when I get a signal from either I have to make it to the bathroom or I lose my underwear and have to take a shower. But no matter how many showers you take you don’t feel clean. It just makes you feel like a dirty person and it messes with your mind.

I am having an okay day otherwise. My foot (knock on wood) has been ok so far. I am sure it will act up in a few hours when I am trying to watch the game. Stephen Drew is back in the line up tonight. Can’t wait to see his début. Hopefully it will be good and he plays solid defense. Everyone has been commenting on how the Sox have no errors so far. I hope they don’t jinx the team because they are commenting on it. I will be upset.

I still have not talked to the group leader about me leaving the group therapy that I started over a month ago. I think it is best that I move on from that group. It is too triggering and I feel bad afterwards. I just don’t think the group is for me anymore, though the down side is not going by Fenway Park every week. Only reason why I have not done so is because I know he will want me to say goodbye to the group and I am just not ready to do that or think that it’s appropriate. Can’t tell a bunch of people I have to leave because I am getting nothing out of this group and need to move on, especially when some of the members are so close to the edge themselves.

Think I am going to watch Lincoln now…