Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.

Random 455

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 455

I got the Zipcar today because I had to run an errand outside of Boston. I was getting antsy an hour before I was to go so I requested the car earlier as it was available. I thought there would be traffic as the route I took was having construction. It turned out to be a breeze so I lost no time in getting where I had to go. I had a bunch of time left as the errand only took me twenty minutes. I thought of visiting my Godmother but I didn’t want to upset her as we haven’t seen each other since my father passed away. I didn’t want to run the risk of upsetting her and then leaving her all upset. She is kind of fragile and I would feel really guilty if something happened after I left.

I had like 3 hours to kill. I went to the Square to deposit some cash. Then went to Wendy’s for dinner. I played the powerball for tomorrow night as it’s over $400 million. I played my father’s month and year of birth, my birthday, and my cousin’s birthday. I hope the numbers come out. I returned the car a half hour early. There was no place else to go to waste time. I thought about going to my hometown to be by the water but I couldn’t count on getting back in time with traffic.

By the time I had finished wasting time, I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t make it home in time and peed myself. I was already feeling low and this just dropped me to a new level of depression. I had emailed my psychiatrist last night about thinking of going in the hospital. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in today. I responded with I wanted to talk with my therapist tomorrow and then go from there. There is nothing I need to get done this week except have therapy. I have no appointment with my psych because she hasn’t set one up yet. I think going in the hospital would help stabilize me. I am all over the place with my moods.

I haven’t decided if I am going to pack my Red Sox blanket that I have. I already have a bag that is packed with my clothes and writing stuff. I just don’t know which ER I want to go to. I just asked my psych if the psych ED part of the major hospital I go to is open again as it was closed a couple weeks ago when I went. I can’t imagine that it would still be closed after all this time but who knows.

It was close to 70 degrees out today. I thought it would be cold so wore a hoodie. By the time I reached the Zipcar, I was sweating. Even with the AC, it was hot in the car so I had to take the hoodie off. Now that I am back in my room, I have the ceiling fan on and shorts. I am sure the temp will drop tonight but I am comfortable for now.

I called the compounding pharmacy where I got my pain cream. They gave me the list of ingredients and faxed over the request to my neurologist. I tried calling my neuro to make an appointment with her but kept getting a busy signal. I never had a busy signal for a doctor’s office before. They either put you on hold or send you to the answering service. I thought the cream had lidocaine in it but it doesn’t. I just hope it works on the patch of my leg that is bothering me. Oral medications doesn’t seem to be doing shit. I hate the nerve pain that I feel because it’s such a helpless feeling knowing nothing you take helps.

Longest Day Ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Longest Day Ever

My sister wanted to see my father by T so I went along with her because I haven’t seen him in a few days. I also wanted to be there to see if I could see the social worker and the accounts person to ask questions about my father’s stay. The regular social worker was on vacation so I met with his covering one. She was nice and gave me the information that I needed. She also gave me the number for his doctor who I have to call to find out about his prognosis and other medical issues he is having.

My father didn’t look good. He was barely able to speak he was so weak. We were able to get him in a wheelchair and bring him outside for a little bit. He was really tired afterwards. My sister and I decided to catch the bus back home and that is when the longest day started. We waited over an hour for the bus. I was standing most of the way. My leg is killing me and so are my feet. We then decided to walk toward Mass Ave to catch the bus. That turned into a forty-five minute drive. I was so tired that I tried to sleep most of the way. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.

After we reached home, we had to go to the wake. I was already dressed up for it though I thought I would have time to change into a plain white T-shirt instead of my Cauda Equina one. Nope, no time. Had to rush to the funeral home. It was sad. There was even more standing at the home because the guy was young and there were a lot of people at the wake. No sitting for me. My leg already was hurting and I wish I brought some pain pills. By the end of the wake, I wished I was the one in the casket and my friend’s husband was alive.

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.

The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.

I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.

It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.

Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.

I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.