Tag: chronic pain

Energized and then caput!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.

Can’t Breathe

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t breathe

I am all clogged up with my nose. I would still be sleeping if I wasn’t breathing through my mouth and it got dry. But it’s good that I woke up because I had to take my night meds. I am feeling a little bit better mentally. I just wish I could breathe.

I checked my mail. All I did was go down and then up the stairs and now my ankle hates me. WTF. I got a benefit statement form from SSD. I hope that will be enough to send to the loan people that I am disabled. I still haven’t received my award letter. I also got the stupid Humana stuff. I cancelled it last week and they send me something every day for the past week. Holy moly what a waste of paper. I can’t believe that an agency would enroll someone without telling them first and giving them the option of enrolling. It’s just so stupid.

I will be having a third dose of pain meds tonight. I have been taking them around the clock today because the pain has been so bad. I still haven’t moved my bowels despite taking senna. I am hoping coffee tomorrow morning gets things moving. I am starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am debating on using Afrin to clear my nasal passages so I can fricken breathe. Thing is, it always makes me sneeze after I use it so I think I am wasting the medicine because I just sneeze it out. I have to get a different kind of Afrin as the menthol one is just too strong. I think that is why I sneeze after I use it. I am going to go for a moisturizing one.

I’m also debating whether or not to read another boring chapter in the “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I want to get through the book so I can complete it as part of my reading challenge I set up for the year through GoodReads. I want to read at least 20 books this year. So far I have read two. One friend wants to read a 150 books. That requires some skill. I am also keeping a database of the books I have read this year. I like to keep my excel skills up. I haven’t made an formulas or anything, just a basic sheet that tells me what I have read and the time it took to read it. GoodReads doesn’t give me that kind of information.

I like this book, it’s an “easy” read meaning that it’s not technical with a lot of jargon but there are a lot of references throughout the chapters that I read. My therapist just wants me to read a chapter out of sync rather than reading it chapter to chapter. I can’t do that as it messes with my OCD quirks. I have to read from beginning to end. I can’t hop around. Only time I have done that is if I am researching something and need a specific chapter to know what I am looking for. Like I bought a book about suicidal risk management and I totally forgot why I bought it. It was a follow up to an article I read that I couldn’t get online so I bought the book that it was in but I forgot the reference. It is frustrating because I have this book now and it’s just sitting there. I might read it after I finish every book that is on my list. It’s a small book, about 250 pages, so I should have no problems reading it.

The other book that I am reading (I always read two or three books at the same time) is on the “Explorations in Personality”. That book is hard to read because it has a lot of technical talk and sometimes it has Latin words that I don’t understand or even words that I think are made up like “infavoidance”. It lists this word but they don’t define it and it gets frustrating after a while because you read and then need a dictionary to understand what you are fucking reading. It just takes time and effort with this book and my patience is low. I have to take it in small steps. It’s going to take a long time to read this book. It’s about 400 pages. I am up to page 105 so I have 300 to go. I’m only reading it to find out more about needs but I am afraid this book is way over my head and I am just not understanding it like Shneidman has. It’s like they make up words and you are left with a “huh” type of feeling. And they haven’t even gotten to the study part yet. It’s just a real bore but I find it interesting only because I feel it’s a part of history reading stuff from that era.

I’m hungry and I can’t decide if I want cereal or a breakfast bar. I am leaning toward a breakfast bar. I find it more filling than cereal. I never had my Chinese food tonight. My mother wanted hot dogs and beans. I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Exhausting Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting Tuesday

I had my pain management appointment with the NP. She is a doll. She said she is willing to continue to see me but doesn’t know about the policy and such as they haven’t quite worked out what is going to happen since my doctor has left. So another month to wait. Maybe I don’t have to see the new doctor at all. It was weird getting the prescription from her and not seeing my old PCP’s name. I miss him already.

I was then supposed to go to my father’s appointment but never did because the stupid medical assistant called the guy after me instead of me. So I had to wait nearly an hour to be seen. The doc took him early (I was shocked as she usually runs late) so I never went up to see him. Score! I was so sore by the end of my visit that I was really kicking myself not grabbing my cane. I will be sure to grab it tomorrow when I go for another appointment.

Then I had my therapy appointment. That was fucking fun. I was in a public place so couldn’t really talk about anything serious. I got out kind of late from my appointment and missed the bus that would take me home. The next one would bring it close to therapy time so I figured I might as well stay at the hospital and have therapy. I was quite exhausted by this point. My thigh and ankle were filing for divorce and I had no pain meds to prevent this from happening. We basically just talked about my stressors and the voices. I gave her an update as to how my psychiatrist was doing. She (psychiatrist) now understands what I go through to get dressed and showered. My therapist wanted to know if I was going to the hospital next week. I told her it all depended on somethings. The thing is, I don’t feel that it’s necessary for me to go in. But I meet with my psychiatrist next week and we can discuss it some more. I also told her that I won’t be seeing her next week like I was planning. A friend had called and next Tuesday we will be going out for dinner. I can’t survive the drive to her office and back and then go out with my friends. My thigh would hate me and I would be really tired, so wouldn’t be fun to be around. She understood and I told her it would be the following week provided we didn’t get walloped with snow this weekend.

It was bitterly cold today. My thighs still haven’t defrosted. I should have went to the bathroom before leaving the hospital. I was wrong thinking I could hold it all the way home. I was soaked by the time I reached home. I didn’t know this. I can’t really feel when I am leaking and I must have leaked a lot to be as wet as I was. I feel so bad and humiliated. I was going to tell my sister but I couldn’t even broach the subject. She was telling me about my mother and how bad her breathing is. She was just diagnosed with emphysema. My mother is a former smoker, who basically chain smoked. She finally was able to quit when the price of cigarettes went up too high and she couldn’t afford them anymore. I am glad she stopped smoking but now we got to deal with the lung issues. It’s upsetting so I won’t go into it.

I finally had a movement after three days. Now I don’t feel so damn bloated. It hurt like a SOB though. Felt like I was delivering razor blades. I don’t know why it hurts so much and the stool was softer than it normally is. Fucking drives me crazy and suicidal. I don’t wish CES on anybody but my worst enemy, and even then, they have to be a pretty cruel person to get me to wish it on them.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the lady at the SSD office. I was expecting a phone call today but didn’t get it. I will call tomorrow after my therapy appointment. I’d call now but they are closed. Plus, I am too tired to talk to anyone. I don’t even want to have dinner tonight and my mother is making my favorite, stir fry chicken. I just don’t want to go down the stairs again. My thigh is really hurting. I took a pain pill a little while ago but it hasn’t kicked in yet. Sometimes I need two pills. I figure I start with one and then take another a little while later if it doesn’t work. I find I have better coverage this way. Then it’s time for bed and I can take two pills and not worry about waking up in pain, sometimes.

The NP examined my ankle today. It was pretty tender already and when she asked me to flex it, I couldn’t. I said that is what it is. She is like “you have no range of motion”. I said that is what happens when you have foot drop and pain.

My therapist and I discussed reading materials. I said I was getting bored with the “Explorations in Personality” book and Dostoevsky is just dragging on and on. I need some fun reading, like a clinical book to get my mind going. She was laughing as I said this. She said only I would get excited over a clinical book. I am a weirdo.

Surgeon and being cold

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Surgeon got back to me

I got a call from my surgeon this evening. He told me I had degenerative changes but nothing major going on. He offered me injections (I declined) or physical therapy. I opted for PT. His secretary will contact me with the information. I am glad he called me today rather than tomorrow when everything is going to be so busy in the morning.

I emailed my psychiatrist and texted my therapist with the news. I am glad I don’t need surgery, just physical therapy. I think it will be good because maybe I can get this kink out of my right hip and the soreness out of my left thigh. I know I don’t walk right because of my ankle issue and the PT is going to have their hands full with me because of my back issues. I haven’t thought where I want to go. Ideally, I would like to go to SRH as they were good to me there for my ankle, even though they didn’t help me. But they were trying to undo 14 years of damage in just a 30 min session. I didn’t have the patience or the tolerance to deal with the pain that ensued.

One less worry, for now. I hope I am not getting a damn cold again. My nose is clogged and I feel icky. I was able to shower, though my foot is killing me again. It’s going to be interesting to do physical therapy on my back with an injured ankle/foot.

It snowed today, our third snow fall of the year. We got a few inches, nothing major. I am hoping tomorrow it doesn’t freeze over as it’s supposed to be brutally cold. And of course, I will have to wait at the bus stop freezing my ass off. That is going to do *wonders* for my back. Just thinking about me makes me cold.