Tag: chronic pain

Need to Escape

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Need to escape

I had another difficult therapy session today. It will be in another blog as it’s percolating right now and I am not sure if I should continue to type or handwrite it. She asked me today what number my need to escape was and I said a 9 on a scale of 1-10. So she said that I should make today all about me, whatever that means. I still feel the need to runaway and not return. Trouble is I have no means, other than killing myself, to get away. We talked a lot about me killing myself today. To my surprise, she was tolerating it despite me knowing how much anxiety it gives her. I threw a question out to her about if she would go to my funeral. That stopped her in her tracks. I actually don’t know if I will have a funeral. I haven’t made my will out yet and that is one thing I have been contemplating. Her grief sometimes stops me from going through with my plans, but sometimes I just say fuck it because I want to do what *I* want to do, and that is end this miserable fucking life.

We talked a lot, more than I wanted to, about my bastard father. He is the only person that I know that has at least three 8×10 pictures of himself in his house. He is the very definition of narcissism. Yet he calls me selfish and a liar.

I wanted to go out today but my ankle is being a bitch. I have been up since 0500. I am tired and might take a nap before dinner, if I can write out the therapy session that is bugging me. I really wanted to go to Starbucks to get some more coffee for the house. I had the last of the Pike this morning. I don’t know which kind I want to get. My choices are Pike, House Blend, or Breakfast Blend. I usually rotate between the three. I think I might get Breakfast Blend as I haven’t had that in a long while. I am still good with my Kati Kati and Brazil coffees.

The 22nd can’t come soon enough. I really need to talk about my damn nasal congestion. I know I am almost always congested but it’s been worse the last few months. It clears up on it’s own but then gets clogged up again and now my sinuses are starting to feel affected. They really hurt and I have a constant slight headache from the pressure. My discharge is still clear so I know there isn’t an infection but damn, I am just miserable. And I hate breathing through my mouth most of the time. It’s wearing me out.

I am almost done with the writing book that I am reading. I should be done with it today. I read this morning about keeping a day journal to store ideas and other thoughts about writing. So now that I got some stuff percolating about my book and my therapist’s session, I pulled out a composition book and placed it on my bed for easy access. The book also suggested making a box of ideas, but I am not that advanced as a writer. I told my therapist that I was going to look for my psychology book to do some research for my book. It’s been a while since I learned about the different psych disorders. It might be a little outdated as far as the DSM goes but most of the criteria for the major disorders have stayed the same. I really want to write a chapter about narcissism but other than being vain and an asshole, I don’t know what other types of characteristics there are.
Another nice thing about this book was that it has short chapters, which is what I want my book to be. I really don’t want the chapters to be drawn out, about 2000 words or less. The only big story is the Darkness piece, but that can be trimmed down. I don’t want to edit right now while I am still trying to work on writing. It will just be confusing. The author of the book actually wrote another book based on about 850 words per chapter. That is when I got excited because my writing is about that length and is doable. If something really needs to be longer, than so be it but 850 seems like a good goal.

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

So Tired I Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So Tired I can’t Sleep

I have been taking pain meds for most of the day because my ankle is killing me. I was hoping for a nap but I never got one. Even now I feel like I could lie down but sleep will elude me. I think I need to take an Ativan. I just feel sort of restless. I am nervous that my pain will keep me from going out tomorrow night. I haven’t seen my friends in at least two months. We were supposed to go out last month but my friend got sick and we had to postpone. I will be upset with myself if I cancel the last minute. I want to go out but that is going to be hard for me to walk. I will take my cane, anyways, just in case the pain becomes bad again.

I can’t wait to talk to my therapist. We have a lot to discuss. I really want to talk to her about the last chapter I read in the Suicidology book. It was interesting to me because it stated that by law, mental health professionals are under no obligation to provide decent care. Yet for suicidal care, the standards are lower. I find this interesting and infuriating. The author redeemed himself by stating that “no Harm” contracts are rubbish toward the end of the chapter and may be more harmful than anything. I find it interesting that the author didn’t cite a psychologist that wrote an article about “no harm” contracts. I am starting to think this book is biased toward psychiatry than the mental health profession as a whole.

I am finding it difficult to write still. I haven’t worked on my book in so long. I should organize some of the documents that I want in the book in a folder so I know which ones I am thinking of publishing. I have it in my mind but I can’t trust it lately. I forget after a while and if I don’t do this, I am screwed when it comes time to put things together. I am still working on my root story. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have a look at it and see if I can write some more. The owl stuff that I was thinking about never materialized. Though, I could put it in the root story somehow. I am percolating a story about narcissism. I just need to do a little more research before I can write it. I’m trying to justify buying a $90 messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I think if I can do some writing for the month of February, it can be my writing reward.

I had a cup of tea to settle the queasy feeling in my stomach. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning. When I got up from not being able to nap, I had some pop tarts. That is all that I ate today. An egg burrito and a couple of pop tarts. I just have no appetite today. I hope it returns tomorrow because I will be going out to eat with my friends. It drives me crazy that I am either really hungry or not at all some days. Either way, it is not a good habit for trying to losing weight.

I was writing in my journal tonight. I started at 0125 this morning so I have had a very bad day trying to sleep. I hope I am not becoming manic again. I don’t see how as I have been taking my meds. I haven’t been taking my blood pressure pills but that is because I am out of them and my doctor’s office hasn’t called it in yet. If I don’t get them tomorrow, I will call the office and see what the hold up is. I should have gotten them last week when I saw the NP but she was running late and I had things on my mind that weren’t medication related so I forgot. I should have written it down or at least put it in my phone to remind myself. I always forget the phone has a memo thing on it. I guess you can say I am old school and haven’t caught up to technology yet.

I feel like watching a movie. Lincoln is a good movie to watch when you are tired. I know the movie by heart so I know when to snooze but I don’t remember where I put the DVD. I know it’s in the Gone with the Wind DVD but I don’t know where that is right now. I would have to get up and look for it but that risks aggravating my ankle. Not going to happen. I will look for it tomorrow.

Least Make it Feel Like Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Least Make it Feel Like Night

My Pats lost. I am in agony both sports wise and in pain. I never had my margarita. The whole game was back and forth. It was a tough game to watch. I missed most of the third quarter. Then watched parts of the fourth. I couldn’t handle it. There should have been at least one unsportsmanlike conduct when the Broncos sacked Brady and then the guy was pulling at his crotch. That was uncalled for.

Now I don’t know what I am going to do. After my Pats play, I hit a depression until March when spring training begins. Catchers and pitchers report to Fort Meyers in a couple of weeks. I’ll get to see the idiotic face of Dave Price now more than I ever wanted to. I hate this guy so much. He is such a player with no meaning, and I don’t mean as in a baseball player. The guy just makes me sick. And we have him for the next 3-7 years. This weekend they had a Sox fan weekend in I think Foxwoods, which is in Connecticut. Mr. Price couldn’t make it because of the snow in Nashville. But Ramirez was there and we had to hear how confident he is at 1B by several people, including the GM. I really think he is going to suck at that position like he sucked in LF. Just wait until Pedroia throws him a pitch that should be caught and he drops it thus missing for a double play. He is not my favorite player. Actually there are three people I don’t like that are playing for the sox: Sandoval (aka Panda), Price, and Ramirez. Going to be an interesting season. I will be boycotting the game on NESN and just be listening via radio or Twitter.

I forgot to refill one of my important pills so I can’t take it tonight because I don’t have it. So tonight is hodgepodge night. I will just take what I feel like taking. I thought it was later than 1900 but it’s 1845. I took one of my meds really early. I am tired anyways so I’ll just take my pain meds and call it a night. I might wake up around midnight/0100. If I do, I will probably write another blog.

I feel like such a jerk because I didn’t refill my meds. This is the second time that I forgot. I think it’s because I threw away the pack before I refilled it that I forgot, but then I had a LOT going on last week and the pain didn’t help any. I got to get my haircut in the morning when that barber shop opens. I will be so disappointed if they are closed. I got to remember to bring my Times article with me. I told them I would bring it in the next time I got my haircut.

I’m going to have to start writing things down on the calendar so I don’t forget refills for my pills. I have to keep track because it’s not a 30 day schedule they have me on and I forget. I am trying to be better at refilling my meds before they run out instead of when they run out. Like one of my blood pressure pills. I always wait until I am down to my last week before refilling it. I feel like such a loser but this medication I get a special deal at Stop and Shop where I only pay $10/90 day supply for the script whereas if I went through my regular pharmacy, I would pay twice that amount and only get a 30 day supply. It saves to shop around for medication.