Tag: chronic pain

Just Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Just Write

Those were the last words my therapist told me before ending our session. No direction or clue what I am to write about, “just write”. I hate when she does this, like it’s a magical cure or something. I wish it was.

She read my blog about our last session. She wasn’t too pleased with it but she was happy I wrote it. It gave her some insight. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. We had spent nearly two sessions on Hyde and I really didn’t want a third. We did talk about my suicidality a bit. I didn’t give details. She kept asking for them and I deferred. She doesn’t need to know what my plan is. It’s not going to kill me anyway, and I keep thinking, magically, that it will. I just want oblivion and hopefully it will happen.

I woke up exhausted. Dealing with pain all weekend just totally wiped me out. It was a much warmer day today (55 degrees) and it killed me to stay inside but I too tired to get dressed. Too tired to do anything that would make going out happen. I was really cold after my session. I needed a nap. So I tried to take one and I couldn’t fall asleep. I called my father’s doctor to set up an appointment with him. The secretary called back with a number I didn’t recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I had to call again. Drives me nuts.

I didn’t tell my therapist about my financial stress that I am under. I meant to, but I just couldn’t. I feel like a failure because of this stress. I haven’t even talked to my sister about it. The shame it’s bringing me is great, almost to suicidal proportions. I just cannot fathom how I am going to pay this money when I get only three thousand dollars more a year than what I owe. And it’s seriously going to take some budgeting to save at least half what I owe. I don’t know if I can do it on my income.

Because I didn’t go out today, I didn’t start my research. I might have to start on Thursday. Tomorrow I got to deal with my father and his meds. I have to go in the afternoon and he isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s the only time I can come by as I have therapy around noon.

Saturday Blog 43

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today has been a lazy Saturday. I really wanted pizza but it was too cold to walk to the store so I had it delivered. I will be having pizza the next few days.

I haven’t done anything today. I’m still in pain and have been trying to avoid sleeping all day though it has been tempting. I made coffee and was half way done with it when I started getting jittery. I have been meaning to return the cup to the kitchen but I haven’t done so. I also need to empty my recycle bin. Think I will do that tomorrow. I don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs with my ankle hurting.

I tried to revive my Tivo while I was waiting for the pizza delivery but no luck. I think I have to hit the reset button or something as it just is stuck on the power up screen. I hate to do that because it might erase my shows but I need the thing to be working. I really don’t want to buy another DVR. I could get one through my cable company but it’s too expensive for my budget. I don’t watch TV anyways so I am trying to get out of missing the shows.

Baseball season is around the corner and I cannot wait. I miss it so much. Spring training starts in like two and a half weeks. The schedule is already in my calendar so I don’t have to download it again.

I found my psychology book. It’s not the one I wanted but it’s abnormal psych so it should be fine for the research I am doing. I just hope it provides the information that I am looking for. I know I could Google the information but there is so much out there I don’t want to have to sift through it all. I like going old school.

I hate this tired feeling that I have. I know I should rest as I really haven’t been sleeping the last few nights. It’s just so hard to settle down, especially when the coffee you drank hours ago is still making you restless. I just don’t know what to do with myself and this goes on day after day. I wish I had something to do. But I am getting bored these days. There is only so much reading you can do online and through books. I wish I could go for a walk but my ankle is just too bad. Plus it’s like 10 degrees out. Not exactly walking weather.

I can’t understand why I can’t stick with a routine. I know part of the reason is because of my father’s appointments that disrupted my schedule. I hope I can go back to some semblance of a routine now that there are no more appointments. I just have my therapy to occupy me and drive me crazy. I sometimes wonder why I still continue twice a week when it’s obviously not really helping me. Some days it does help. I get to vent and be heard where I wouldn’t be otherwise.

In the writing book that I read, it said to network with other writers, copyeditors, and friends that help you with your writing. I have zero in this field. The only people that support my writing is my therapist and psychiatrist. I am not even Twitter friends with other writers. I may follow writers but it’s not like they know me personally or anything. I am just alone in my craft.

Free Books, Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free Books, Pain, and other things

I went to bed late last night because I wasn’t really sleepy until my pain meds kicked in. I had received an email from my favorite mystery writer, Lawrence Block. He had written a blog about five of his books being free over the next five days. I love him. He is such a brilliant writer that I even bought his how to book on writing. The books are available only after midnight Pacific Time. I wanted to get the first book as I have not read it but it was too early. I am on Eastern Time. So when I woke up in pain at 0430 and became aware of my surroundings, I downloaded the first book via Kindle. It’s called “After the First Death”.

I can easily read Block’s book in a sitting. My favorite series of his is Matthew Scudder. I fell in love with this character back when I first became suicidal. I was looking for books to kill myself and came across his book “Eight Million Ways to Die”. Seemed like a good book to read. However, it wasn’t what I was looking for. It was about Scudder and a prostitute killer and about how Scudder came to terms with his alcoholism. Throughout the book, people die in weird ways, hence the title. Unfortunately, I can’t give an example from the book but I can give you one that I learned yesterday. A manhole cover became dislodged on the highway and killed the driver of a car. She was a young art teacher. I don’t know why there are manhole covers on the damn highway, but apparently, they are killers. It was a sad story.

Block also has other books with different themed characters. My other favorite of his is Keller the hit man. When I first read “Hit Me”, I laughed because the assassin was in therapy. He would go around the country, killing people he was hired to kill, and then see a therapist. Toward the end of the book, he feels the therapist is getting to close to him so he kills her. There are five books in this series. When I get paid in a couple of weeks, I plan on getting these books. Unfortunately, none of them will be free during his special days.

My ankle is really hurting and I don’t know why. But then, I never really know why it hurts. That is the million dollar question. I am so sick of being in pain. I wonder if other chronic pain people feel like I do and just want to end their lives because they can’t stand being pain. My pain is controlled by medication, so I should be grateful for this but the chronicity I feel about it drives me to suicide. I am suicidal without pain, too but I am wondering if being rational about ending my life is a good or bad thing. I really want to end my life and plan to in a couple of weeks. I have just had enough. I don’t know if you would say that I “snapped”, but I really hate the routine of pain increasing, taking medication, then being forced to sleep because the meds make you sleepy and if you don’t, you feel sick. I am also tired of having to take medication for my other chronic illnesses, including my bipolar disorder. I take more than 10 pills a night. I am sick of it. I don’t want to take these pills but I have to. Otherwise, I just get sick.

One of the pills I take is for my GERD, better known as reflux disease, a stomach condition. I have been taking it or some version of it for a long time. But lately, I don’t think it’s working anymore as my stomach has been hurting and I keep on feeling bloated. I have never been scoped to see what my stomach looks like because I will be damned if someone is going to shove a tube down my throat to figure it out. I know you are pretty sedated but the idea of it, I am not fond of. So I just keep taking the pill, hoping my stomach feels better by limiting what I eat.

Need to Escape

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Need to escape

I had another difficult therapy session today. It will be in another blog as it’s percolating right now and I am not sure if I should continue to type or handwrite it. She asked me today what number my need to escape was and I said a 9 on a scale of 1-10. So she said that I should make today all about me, whatever that means. I still feel the need to runaway and not return. Trouble is I have no means, other than killing myself, to get away. We talked a lot about me killing myself today. To my surprise, she was tolerating it despite me knowing how much anxiety it gives her. I threw a question out to her about if she would go to my funeral. That stopped her in her tracks. I actually don’t know if I will have a funeral. I haven’t made my will out yet and that is one thing I have been contemplating. Her grief sometimes stops me from going through with my plans, but sometimes I just say fuck it because I want to do what *I* want to do, and that is end this miserable fucking life.

We talked a lot, more than I wanted to, about my bastard father. He is the only person that I know that has at least three 8×10 pictures of himself in his house. He is the very definition of narcissism. Yet he calls me selfish and a liar.

I wanted to go out today but my ankle is being a bitch. I have been up since 0500. I am tired and might take a nap before dinner, if I can write out the therapy session that is bugging me. I really wanted to go to Starbucks to get some more coffee for the house. I had the last of the Pike this morning. I don’t know which kind I want to get. My choices are Pike, House Blend, or Breakfast Blend. I usually rotate between the three. I think I might get Breakfast Blend as I haven’t had that in a long while. I am still good with my Kati Kati and Brazil coffees.

The 22nd can’t come soon enough. I really need to talk about my damn nasal congestion. I know I am almost always congested but it’s been worse the last few months. It clears up on it’s own but then gets clogged up again and now my sinuses are starting to feel affected. They really hurt and I have a constant slight headache from the pressure. My discharge is still clear so I know there isn’t an infection but damn, I am just miserable. And I hate breathing through my mouth most of the time. It’s wearing me out.

I am almost done with the writing book that I am reading. I should be done with it today. I read this morning about keeping a day journal to store ideas and other thoughts about writing. So now that I got some stuff percolating about my book and my therapist’s session, I pulled out a composition book and placed it on my bed for easy access. The book also suggested making a box of ideas, but I am not that advanced as a writer. I told my therapist that I was going to look for my psychology book to do some research for my book. It’s been a while since I learned about the different psych disorders. It might be a little outdated as far as the DSM goes but most of the criteria for the major disorders have stayed the same. I really want to write a chapter about narcissism but other than being vain and an asshole, I don’t know what other types of characteristics there are.
Another nice thing about this book was that it has short chapters, which is what I want my book to be. I really don’t want the chapters to be drawn out, about 2000 words or less. The only big story is the Darkness piece, but that can be trimmed down. I don’t want to edit right now while I am still trying to work on writing. It will just be confusing. The author of the book actually wrote another book based on about 850 words per chapter. That is when I got excited because my writing is about that length and is doable. If something really needs to be longer, than so be it but 850 seems like a good goal.