Tag: chronic pain

Morpheus, Where are you??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Morpheus where are you??

My stomach ache is gone but my foot has exploded so I had to take strong pain pills to kill it. I really would have loved to shoot myself in the foot. Least the pain would be explainable. But I would probably take the gun to my head instead at this point. I am feeling really poorly because I can’t fucking sleep. I have taken my regular pain meds, Ativan, and now the strong pain meds and I am still fucking awake.

I looked over my finances and the money I got paid yesterday is gone. I have only a hundred dollars to my name, which will be half that after I pay for my prescription later today and my T pass. I shouldn’t have bought groceries but I needed food, even though I am not eating very much these days. I think I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite has been nothing. I have been eating just one meal a day and that has been it. I don’t feel hungry. And you would think that because of the weight loss, my pain would be less. NOPE. If anything, it has increased!! One physiatrist told me that even if I was my “normal” weight, I would still have back issues. Course, she didn’t say that in her notes. She said that I should lose weight. Talk about contradiction. If losing weight is supposed to decrease my pain, why does it increase it? Doesn’t make any fucking sense. My therapist would say I am the exception not the rule. I hate when she says that. She is reckless, like the new Martina McBride song. I can’t wait to get the lyrics because I think the song is perfect for our relationship. It’s not available on Amazon right now and I am pissed. I hate iTunes. It always crashes the computer.

I can’t take my pain anymore. I am going to go through with my plans this weekend. Fuck it. I am done. It probably won’t kill me but at least I will be seriously knocked out. I just need a fucking escape and I have it and I am going to use it. It is a done deal, for right now. I may still change my mind but I doubt it if this fire that is burning is still going on. I will text my therapist before I do it. Or maybe I won’t. Will be kind of stupid if I did.

It’s getting cool outside but it’s still hot in my room so I have the ceiling fan on. It’s a comfortable coolness in my room that I like. I will probably be cold in the morning but oh well. I am comfortable now. Why can’t I sleep then?? The meds have kicked in though now I am feeling nerve pain. I have found that I will have intense fucking physical pain and then when the opioids kick in, my foot/ankle will burn like it is on fire. Neurontin is the only thing that extinguishes these fires but I can’t take it now or I will be foggy brain later today and I need to be coherent because I have to see my “lovely” father.

When I saw him yesterday, he was speaking mostly Italian. My middle sister couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I don’t think she ever really grasped the language like I did when I was taking it in college and in high school. I may not know ALL that he says but I can get the gist of it, if he talks slow enough. If he talks fast, forget about it. I am lost. Maybe I should invest in the Rosetta Stone to learn Italian because he is going to be speaking it more as he ages. I think he thinks he is speaking English sometimes because when you tell him to speak English, he has a confused look on his face like “huh”?? And then he is silent because he is searching for the English translation to what he is saying. He will also talk slow like we are retarded or something. It’s very frustrating.

I am feel loads of pain in my left ankle down to my toes. The peroneal tendon must be inflamed because that’s what it feels like. I had a good pic of the tendon but I have no idea where it got saved to. The spasms that I had earlier before my foot exploded must have triggered the tendon. Fuck. I wish I could just cut the sucker out and be done with it. I am so sick of being in fucking pain.

Every morning a little after 0100, I get a text from the Twitter account of Dilbert. I love the comic strip. It makes me laugh. Very few things these days make me laugh but Dilbert does.

I feel like having ice cream now that my tummy feels better but the effects of the strong pain pills is starting to make me feel woozy. It funny because I will feel high for about 30 seconds and then I will just collapse. This happens to me almost every time I take it. It’s very rare that I am able to fight the effects of this medication. I hope Morpheus finds me and I can sleep. I just hope he doesn’t bring me dreams about Jobes again. Those are weird. Dreaming about a psychologist that I respect a great deal and then following him around like a puppy? No thanks, Morpheus.

Stomach aches and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stomach aches and other things

I had a two hour nap. The only thing I had to eat today was a burger. It was really good but now, eight hours later, my stomach is doing flip flops. I just took some Alka-Seltzer and that seems to be helping. I haven’t eaten anything else today, I just wasn’t hungry. And there is no way I am eating anything right now the way my stomach feels.

It seems that no matter what, I always seem to be in pain of some sort these days. It’s really making me exhausted. I read the instructions of the new nasal spray that I was given. You can take two squirts a day so I just took another dose to see if it helps my head. So far, I am breathing out of both nostrils. Hope that stays the same. I just am curious why I have to have a different ailment every day. Yesterday was vertigo shit and today a sour stomach. I am so tired of dealing with things other than my ankle/foot problem. My ankle/foot I know what to do to relieve the pain and suffering for the most part. The other stuff, it just takes some time and hydration to get my equilibrium back. I’m lucky I had Alka-Seltzer as I am out of tums and Mylanta. I would have preferred Mylanta or the Walgreens version of it. Maybe I will grab a bottle when I go tomorrow.

My psychiatrist must have read her email because when I woke up there was a message from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready. I’ll get it tomorrow. The pharmacy is closed now anyways. Besides, I don’t think going out with my sour stomach would be a good idea.

I didn’t call my father but I did check up on him via his nurse. He is doing better. The bastard is still out of sorts and gave my sister a hard time when she called him. I know better than to call him. I will go by tomorrow. I think he might be discharged on Monday if all goes well.

I hate this stomach feeling that I have. I really want to go back to sleep. I took my meds and now I just want to sleep. My stomach is not helping matters. I really don’t want to puke because then I won’t be able to see my father (I know a pity). I don’t want to pass whatever I have along to him. I really hope this is just an upset stomach and nothing more. I have eaten from this place before and I don’t remember ever feeling this sick from eating there. But then, I haven’t been eating all week so it was probably a shot to my system. I am just glad I didn’t order Chinese food like I had wanted. That would have been worse.

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.

The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.

I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.

It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.

Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.

I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.

Pain All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My back went out sometime this morning because of the damn temperature changes. I have been in agony with every movement. I had to do my father’s meds and the ride over there nearly killed me. It was the first time out in almost a week. The activity exhausted me. But then, I haven’t really had anything to eat today. I had cereal this morning and that has been it. I might have a cereal bar later. I am hoping my pain meds will work to take this pain away so I can at least move without it hurting so damn much.
I got to call my father’s PCP sometime in the next week to see him and to find out when to get his INR restarted. This really screws up my plans to see my therapist before my plans are initiated. Now it doesn’t look like I will see her.

I had therapy today. I told her my plans and the date on which I would do them. She seemed a little more freaked out than I thought she would be. No matter. I have another session with her tomorrow. I really don’t know why I asked for it. I have to babysit tomorrow morning and I don’t want little ears hearing my conversation with her.

After therapy, I tried to snooze and probably would have if my phone wasn’t going off with messages. I had to keep an ear out because I was waiting for my sister to call me. I never got the much needed nap and now I feel like shit. I wanted to make oatmeal pancakes so bad today but I couldn’t with my back the way it is. I don’t think I will be able to make them tomorrow because I am babysitting. It will have to wait until Friday, I guess. I should be better by then and I will have nothing to do.

I have to make some burritos soon before they go to waste. They have been sitting on my counter for at least a month now. Maybe if I feel up to it, I will make my egg burrito. There are two things that I want next week when I get paid. I want to have my roast beef sandwich with onion rings and Chinese food, not in that order. The sandwich I will get after I do my father’s meds next week. The Chinese food will probably be the next day.

My ankle is starting to hurt. Figures it has to join in the fun of bringing me pain. I already took my pain meds so that should kill the pain. My therapist wasn’t too much of a pain in the ass today like I thought she would be. She did want me to tell my psychiatrist and that I am not willing to do. I will end up in the hospital and they don’t help. It will be a waste of fucking time. I am not going back. I did tell her about my financial stress and she says I could have a payment plan with the IRS. I hope so because otherwise, I am fucking screwed. I won’t know the verdict for the next 30 days. I just hope my plan kills me rather than just knocks me out to oblivion.