Tag: chronic pain

Afternoon Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

Great Game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great Game

I just watched the Pats beat KC Chiefs. It was a good game, though toward the end, you had to wonder why KC was killing the clock when they were down two scores. Oh well. Poor time management gets you no where.

I finally cleaned my ceiling fan blades during half-time and I wish I didn’t. I stretched my back to reach them (I have a low ceiling in my room) and am now hurting. That was why I was putting it off but I couldn’t stand the dust accumulation anymore. It drives me nuts. I am not an OCD dust person but seeing a bunch of dust makes me want to clean it. I hope it helps with my allergies or what ever is causing my nose to run like crazy.

Before half-time, I thought I smelled gas in the kitchen so I opened a window. It turned out to be the oil based paint my brother in law was using to paint something downstairs. It smells really bad and I think he opened the front door to let some of the smell out because it is drafty and cold in the house.

Mentally, I should be excited that my team won but I feel really down. Voices are still telling me that I am a no good SOB, though they seemed to have stopped telling me what to do. My anxiety/perturbation level is down so I guess they don’t have that much to go on. I can take the name calling. I am used to that. I will take some trilafon tonight as it is just annoying to hear. I am glad my psychiatrist got why they were amped up. She knows my stress level is dependent on the voices. I can tolerate stress pretty well but sometimes, especially with the SSD and then my back issues, I just couldn’t tolerate the stress anymore. I reached a breaking point when the stupid resident I saw for my back told me how to take the Neurontin when I was on a much higher dose than she was prescribing. Idiot. I used to take as much as 3600 mg a day so I know how to use Neurontin. A pesky 900 mg will do nothing for me and the voices knew that. That is why they wanted me to take the bottle, to be “effective”. I had to hide the bottle for a few days because I could easily have taken a larger dose than 3600 mg. But my pant size is already at its max for me and Neurontin makes me hungry so I rather not take it unless I have the burning pains I get. That is all this drug is good for. I know it doesn’t help my mother but she doesn’t give drugs a chance. She thinks one dose is enough to help her and doesn’t understand that you need a constant level to help lower the pain. Granted, she has never been on a high dose of Neurontin like I have and probably never will. I just worry that she might fall from Neurontin or something. I have walked into walls before and felt drunk. I usually felt this way if I haven’t slept off the effects of the drug.

I am glad my psychiatrist wasn’t afraid when I told her what the voices were telling me. I knew it was a fine line I was walking. But she knows when I need to be in the hospital and when I don’t. It’s usually up to me when I am in the hospital. She has only pulled the section card on me twice in the 20 years I have known her. And I have had a lot of hospitalizations in those 20 years. Being suicidal a lot of the time will do that.

Although I am relieved that my back isn’t in emergent need of surgery, I still cannot believe that a week will have passed to hear what the outcome of the MRI will be and what treatment I will be looking forward to in the next coming weeks. It’s still going to be a worry in the back of my mind until I know. As I was talking with my psych about this, I think PT will be the way to go. I hate to go back. Seems like I should just hire a PT and be done with it, but I can’t afford it. And I swear if they just tell me to go to a gym, I will fire them so fast. Or just ride a bike for 20 mins and then call it a day. I doubt I will be able to really use a bike as my leg is so damn tight and sore. I just don’t know where to go. I will figure it out once I talk to the surgeon.

hygiene and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel like I should get a medal. I showered and brushed my teeth, with pain and discomfort between my back and my damn foot. While I was drying off, my foot started cramping. It always does this and I don’t know why. It takes me at least 10 mins to recover to continue drying off. It fucking sucks.

It just started snowing so I won’t be going out. I wasn’t planning on it but sometimes I think a Starbucks reward for showering is in order. I’ll just make my Hawaiian coffee. Did I tell you about this nectar of the gods? My therapist gave me it for my birthday, not really as she bought it when she went to Hawaii in July. But when I saw her on my birthday, she finally was able to give it to me. I had it last week and it was very good coffee. I never had Kona before and I could tell the bag was just enough for a regular pot of coffee. I make coffee by the cup so I just used what I needed and it came out awesome. It has a very distinctive taste. Too bad it was just a small coffee bag. But I think I will be able to get at least three cups out of it. I only use 4 tablespoons.

I started reading “The Brothers Karamazov”. It is very interesting and very boring. No action occurs. Just writing, writing, and more writing. Sometimes he stays on point. Other times he varies off. But that is the Dostoevsky way. I just finished the first book and am working on the second. There are I believe five books in this novel. It’s going to take a long time to read this book.

I woke up early, around 0600 and I couldn’t not get back to sleep so I decided to get up and make some hot cocoa. I had a cereal bar and that has been it. I am planning on making an egg burrito for my lunch and breakfast. I might make some tater tots as well. It all depends on if my pain levels settle down. Taking a shower just takes so much out of me that it takes some time to recover. That is why it happens when I can’t stand myself anymore. I have tried to take it every other day or every three days but that hasn’t been working out for me.

I feel so sleepy. I really want to nap but the football game is going to start in a couple of hours and I don’t want to miss it. I want to make coffee but it’s really cold in the kitchen. The heat there sucks almost as bad as my room as there is no insulation in the walls and the radiator decides to work only when it wants to. My feet are cold and I know that if I go in the kitchen, even with my slippers, they are going to turn to ice. I don’t know why the house is so cold. It’s in the mid thirties so the heat should be cooking, unless my mother turned it down. It was really warm in my room earlier. I just put on thermal socks on my feet and a sweatshirt. I hope I start to feel warm before the game starts.

Therapy, Zaps, Pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy today. It went by fast as we had a lot to talk about. I finally told her about the voices and she wanted me to put a couple of PRNs in my pill box. I basically said whatever. I have no intention of doing so. The voices are under control so I don’t have to be medicated. I know the longer I stay not medicated, the worse off I could become. I am just waiting for my stress levels to come down some before so they can go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case. The longer I go without the results of my MRI the longer, I am freaking out. We talked about that as it was a huge stressor and my anxiety was through the roof even though I took an Ativan. I just couldn’t relax. Part of the reason is the noise of the machine. It startles me. Loud noises tend to do this to me. It’s part of the PTSD. I called the neurosurgeon’s office today and I hope to get a call tonight or tomorrow with the results.

We briefly talked about our anniversary. She lost count of the years so I had to remind her. It has been quite a journey to get to where we are today. I never thought we would be doing therapy on the phone but it’s better than nothing. I do see her at least once a month now that I have a Zipcar.

After therapy, I went to my father who called and was complaining where I was. I went there did his pills for a week and a half and then left. The nurse never called me about his medication adjustment so I just gave him one pill in each box. I wasn’t going to wait all day for the call. She will probably call in the morning with the result. I am guessing it’s normal as I haven’t heard anything. I don’t have to deal with him until next Thursday. I lied. I have a doctor’s appointment with him on next Tuesday. Fuck it never ends with this guy.

I am very tired as I have been up since 0400 and haven’t had a nap. I am very annoyed right now. My back is aching because it is snowing and my ankle keeps doing this curling thing that hurts really bad. It’s like a spasm. I have taken some pain meds and an Ativan for the spasms. The voices are telling me to do stuff and I can’t quite shut them off. I’ve had enough of this day. Now I am getting zaps. I want to cry. I want to die, mostly. I think if I take all my meds it should do the job nicely, minus my pain meds. I don’t want a Tylenol overdose. That will really wreck the liver and that is something I don’t want. Maybe I will just have a margarita and call it a day. I’d have wine but I don’t think we have any. Margarita it is. So what if I took my pain meds and an Ativan. I need sleep anyways. Course that will involve getting out of bed. I am not keen on that right now. I just want to sleep. Is that too much to ask?