Tag: chronic pain

writing itch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I am having another sleepless night. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I should shut it off but I really don’t want to hear the silence of the night. My head just can’t take silence right now.

I have been hypomanic on and off for almost a month now. I thought I was crashing as I had a severe depressive episode the other day. But now I am back to feeling good. But I am very sleepy and really want to sleep but my empty head just won’t like it. I took my meds about two hours ago. I should be sleeping but I have this urge to write so I am writing.

I keep thinking about two trolls that have entered my life in the last few weeks. One I thought I had vanquished until she resurfaced today when I checked my spam comments. Now I had to change the settings all because of this one jerk. Then I thought about the troll on the NYT that told my story without my authorization. This has still burned me more than the other troll. I can delete her stupid comments with one click. I cannot do that for the NYT ones. It is just upsetting me and I am trying hard not to let it bother me. I wish I could talk to my therapist about this. But I don’t talk to her again till Tuesday. I have been texting her with my upsets but it’s not the same as talking with her. The good news is there have been less comments on the NYT site and I am glad. The stress of dealing with the nitpicking of my therapist and her competency were outrageous. I’m just glad I never mentioned who she was or she might be further under the microscope. All of this hubbub has really taken the joy out of the accomplishment of publishing for the NYT. I still am in awe about it, at times. But now the fun of it has worn off because of the comments. Sure, there were more positive comments than negative ones, and I should focus on that. But the rest really had me thinking I did something wrong. But if I did, wouldn’t the NYT NOT publish it? I have received more compliments about it than negativity in the real world. I should focus on that, rather than 50 or so comments that were negative. I still believe there was ignorance in most of the negative comments because they didn’t know the truth behind the story. I didn’t go into grave detail about the relationship. I didn’t have to. It was a short piece that I wrote on the fly one night when I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling hatred towards my therapist and psychiatrist for keeping me here when I don’t want to be. I seriously thought, numerous times the other day, of ending my life because I had crashed so severely. This was before I read the comments. My thoughts were slower, things didn’t taste right, I had no appetite. I was moving slower, like I was in mud. All the signs were there that I was depressed. Then to read that a so called long time “friend” outed me to the public, that was too much. And for the troll that thinks I am in no danger of being a victim of a hate crime you are so wrong. If people find out I am a TG, there will be hate. Look at Caitlyn Jenner and all the slack that she got despite, also, the positivity. I have been called a “dyke” and a loser and other names I won’t repeat just for being gay. Throw in transgender and you have a new ball game. So don’t sit there and tell me she just didn’t put a bullseye on my head because she did.

Tomorrow, or should I say today, I plan on writing out a story of these hypomanic episodes for my book. I will add it to the story I wrote a few weeks ago. It will give me something to do. I also need a shower sometime today. I was going to take it tonight but my legs were hurting for some reason. I think it is because I stay in the same position for too long without moving. I have to remember to stretch but I don’t.

I thought of watching the movie Lincoln tonight. If I start it now, I will most likely fall asleep by the time Seward and his henchmen are meeting. I probably will watch it soon. It’s my favorite movie. My next venture is getting Sandlot and Bull Durham. I like to see Major Leagues too. I am not a movie person so I have not seen these classics.

Ankle Chronicles 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had to pick up my father’s prescription at the pharmacy today, which meant a lot of walking. It was only about four or five blocks from his apartment to the pharmacy but my ankle decided it wanted no part in it so rebelled. Then I guess the way I was walking to compensate, threw my opposite side hip out. I was not happy. I just wanted to sit and rest but I couldn’t because there was no place to really sit and I wasn’t going to sit on the ground. I get to his apartment and he isn’t there. I started panicking. He knew I was coming over. Then I saw his girlfriend coming towards his apartment. I was really starting to get worried. It’s not like him not to be home when he knows people are coming over. She went to the office while I waited in case he came home. Soon after she got on the elevator to go down, he came off the opposite elevator. I was happy but miffed. He says I should have called him, which next time I will. I see him every week at around the same time so I don’t know why he thought he could leave his apartment.

I had lunch over his place as he cooked and then I left. More walking to the train station. I was a little annoyed with the bus on the way there so decided to take the train home. The bus at the closer station to my house was late, which meant more standing on my already flared up ankle. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk the block and half home. But I sat on the bus and let it rest a little bit. It was a little better by the time I got to my stop but soon as I put weight on it, it flared right up again. I am not doing anything the rest of the day. I got my hair cut this morning and I had lunch thanks to daddio. I should be good for the next few hours until my stomach wants more food and then I will have to see if I really want to eat. I will have to go down the stairs to the kitchen which I know my ankle will just love (saying this sarcastically). I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

My father gave me peppers which I handed over to my mother. She loves green peppers. I do, too. She usually makes peppers and eggs which is alright. I used to love to eat them raw but lately, my stomach has been picky with raw vegetables so I have to eat them cooked. I don’t know why it bothers my stomach. I take a stomach pill that should protect my stomach and not cause any problems. But eating raw peppers causes me to get heartburn.

I started getting a little hyper this morning. I know I was really irritable when I was going to my father’s on the bus. The bus driver was being trained so was driving really slow and of course, every stop had a passenger to either pick up or drop off. Then we got to a busy square and there was a lady whose card wasn’t working. Must have been trying to make it work for more than five minutes and to me in my manic brain was forever. It drove me berserk because it held up the people behind her. I just wanted the bus to fricken go. I should have taken the fricken train but the bus stops near the pharmacy that I had to go to so I could do less walking. I was getting very annoyed that even Luke Bryan’s music wasn’t calming me down. I guess it was good that I walked as much as I did just to relieve the stress and agitation I was feeling, even though it caused me pain. I still feel annoyed and I don’t know why. I feel like I drank several cups of coffee when all I had was a cup of tea at like seven this morning. This manic stuff has got to stop eventually, right?

I took an Ativan because I am starting to feel desperate over my situation. I know that if I page my pdoc, she might suggest the hospital and I don’t want to be in the hospital. I am not homicidal or suicidal. I just feel really agitated and I don’t think they hospitalize you for that. I am not psychotic, even though I have been talking to my voices more. But they are my normal voices, not different ones. I am also not delusional or paranoid. I just am irritable and agitated. The most the ER would do is give me drugs to calm me down. I have drugs at home I can take. I don’t need to be in the ER to take their drugs or waste time there. I might take a trilafon if the Ativan doesn’t work. Least I am cooped up in my room with the AC on. I also took my pain meds for my ankle to calm it down. I am just so annoyed that I am in pain. Maybe the pain is what is causing the anxiety to shoot up. Not like that hasn’t happened before. I am just so tired of feeling like I am going out of my mind. I actually would love to be depressed right now because it is what I know best. I am not used to feeling like I am really nervous and agitated and anxious all at once.

No Breeze Stirs this Cauldron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache

“What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the grey drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”
― William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness

The crash has started. I am once again thinking of quote that I hold dear to me when I am in a despair like state. I just emailed my psychiatrist telling her I am in despair but I am not quite suicidal. I can’t sleep because of pain and the pain meds have not kicked in yet. But the pain I am feeling now, is a different type of pain. It is psychache and there are no pain pills for that ache. My heart feels like it has been broken into a thousand pieces. I feel like I am being suffocated by this weight on my chest. Like Styron says, “there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural the victim begins to think ceaseless of oblivion”. Except, I am not there yet. I am close to thinking of my oblivion but I think if I start thinking about it, I will act.

I started vacuuming my room a little bit at a time. I bought a hand held vacuum. I thought it was cordless but it is corded. No matter, it still does its job. Too bad it hurts me in the process. I can’t stand for too long before my hip goes out. It is this pain that I am feeling that the pain meds aren’t helping at the moment. They will soon, I hope. It is past midnight. I hate staying up this late because it can only lead to Hyde coming out when I am in this despair. I got to find my “Touched With Fire” book. It, I think, has the quote by Hugo Wolf about the heart being broken into a thousand pieces. I thought it was Byron but it’s not. I would like to have this quote on my quote page. I think it will be a nice addition.

I wasn’t expecting to crash this soon. I thought I would have a few days of “normal” before I headed to psychache land. I started writing in my journal. Five pages later, I got an idea for my next blog on “no-suicide” contracts. What got me thinking about this was that if I didn’t find the “Crisis Response Plan” how different my treatment would be with my therapist. No-harm or No suicide contract are stupid and have no validity. They are not even a legal contract in the eyes of the law (to the best of my knowledge) yet are used over and over again. Meds are kicking in so I can’t quite explain more as it is complicated.

I found the quote from Wolf, it is “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. That is how I feel right now. I feel like I am faking being happy yet I so am falling apart and no one can see it. I feel utterly alone.

Earlier tonight, I was feeling fine. I don’t know what caused the downfall to occur. I was just writing in my journal and thought about writing this no contract paper and then I suddenly felt really sad. I got a notepad that has another quote on it, “people do not die by suicide, they die by sadness”. Anonymous

I think that is true. I have real sadness. Dark sadness that won’t leave me. It is like black storm clouds following me. And it came on just with the snap of your fingers. I wish I could snap my fingers again and have them leave. I am hungry. Maybe this sadness is caused by low blood sugar. I only had one thing to eat today, a half of roast beef club sandwich. I couldn’t finish the rest of the sandwich. It was too filling. I should have saved it but it was soggy and I had soggy sandwiches. Now I am hungry and want something to eat. Maybe I will have a pop tart. I don’t know. It’s getting later and later. I really just want to sleep. The hell with eating.

Migraine City

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Migraine City

I woke up early this morning around 0600. I had breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later with a headache. I didn’t think nothing of it so went about my business. I took a shower and surprisingly, it didn’t exhaust me. I got a text saying the bus route that I take to the square was really late. Great. So I finished getting dressed, got my headphones and went to the bus stop. I didn’t know how late the bus was and I didn’t want to miss it if it was close to being on time. I guess it was really late because I caught the other route that was going down Broadway. I figured I take that bus to get to the Square. By the time I got to Starbucks, my eye hurt really bad and the headache was worse. Hello migraine. There was nothing I could take for it as I didn’t have any pills on me. I didn’t have so much as an Advil. I just drank my coffee, hoping the caffeine would make the pain subside. By the time I was half way done with my coffee, the pain did subside. It was a minor ache but I still didn’t feel well. The pain travelled to the side of my neck. It wasn’t fun. I had an errand to do for my mother before catching the bus home. I ran it and then waited for the bus. As the bus got there, I got another text that the bus was running behind. It was five minutes late. Sucked but at least I wasn’t stranded at the station. My ankle was really hurting so there was no way for me to walk to Broadway to catch the other bus. I would have to wait for another bus route that went down the street to catch it.

After I got off the bus, I decided to go to Walgreens and get my pain medications filled. Damn pharmacist had a problem filling them because both were short acting pain meds. Fucking A. She had to call the office to verify what my doctor wrote. Now I have to wait another day to get my meds. My ankle is not happy as I was waiting. Once they told me it was going to be an hour I said I would pick it up tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be in the store an hour while my ankle was in the mist of a flare up. I got some migraine pills that were over the counter and turkey bacon as I had a coupon for it. I haven’t had turkey bacon in a long time. They also had my favorite flavor of Gatorade so I bought that, too. I figure it would help my migraine as they always say drink Gatorade for a migraine/headache.

I came home and got the mail. Now I am just going to relax with the AC on. If I get a message saying my prescription is ready, I will just pick it up tomorrow. I thought about picking it up later but my ankle is really hurting. I don’t know what I did but when I kicked off my sneakers, it really yelled at me. I took my migraine pill so I should get rid of this damn thing in a half hour. I hope by then my appetite comes back because I didn’t have lunch and it’s close to dinner time. While I was running the errand for my mother, I thought about getting her cod fillets. She usually eats fish on Fridays but they were expensive. For a tiny piece of fish it was close to eight bucks. My mother would kill me for spending that much money on it. If my headache is gone and I feel like eating, I plan on making my steak. That is all I want. I had Manwich last night. It was very good. I still have about three sandwiches left. That will be lunch tomorrow.

I emailed my pdoc giving her an update on my mood. I texted my therapist with the same info. Taking my morning mood stabilizer pill has helped with the hypos considerably, though I feel really numb and groggy. I took the pill early this morning after I had breakfast and it really knocked me out. That is why I didn’t think nothing of the headache when I woke up because I just thought it was a hangover. I am glad the hypos are being controlled but feeling nothing is worse. I don’t feel happy nor sad or content or depressed. I just feel absolutely nothing. I do feel somewhat weepy at times though. I don’t know what that is about.

I got an email for the class I registered for Monday night. Now I am getting really nervous about it. Shit just got real. The email said to bring an essay that was between 750-1500 words. I got that checked. It’s my Love/hate blog that I have been sending to the NY Times. I would really love to get this published there. I keep sending it a couple times a week. I think I got to change the message though. Maybe if I add that it’s a piece on suicide transference they might take it. I have been sending them the same message over and over again. Maybe if I spice it up with suicide talk it might be considered.

I am kind of nervous about the piece with a group of strangers. What if they don’t like my style of writing or think the piece is too morose? My pdoc liked the piece very much that she asked me what was I going to do with it so it can’t be that bad. It’s just that these people are real writers and I just don’t know how critical they are going to be. The class is on editing and making it more dynamic writing. I just hope my mood state doesn’t become irritable or too paranoid. I am really nervous because I have never met other writers before. I even bought business cards so I can share my info with other people when I go there. I think it would be nice to next work but the cards won’t come until next week, after the class. I could have paid extra shipping but it was more than twenty bucks. I don’t need them that bad! I do have some business cards but it has my old work information on it. I’d have to cross out everything for it to be current. It sucks that I have these cards and I can’t use them. Waste of money and paper. I only purchased them because we were doing a lot of studies and thought it was a good idea in case they wanted to get in touch with me. I don’t think I hand out one card. Course, now that I think about it, I could have sent it with the blood tubes instead of stickers. Always think of things in hindsight.

I hope my ankle pain subsides. I have enough pain meds to make it to Monday, in case my doc doesn’t get back to the pharmacy this weekend. Just sucks that I have to wait because of their concern. It’s signed by my doctor and he obviously knows what he is doing otherwise I doubt he would have written the prescription. Also, they could have just asked me why the prescription was written and I could tell them why. One of the pain meds I take for breakthrough pain, or when the pain is really severe (which is also indicated on the damn prescription). It’s not helping my headache worrying about it. I just hope it’s all cleared up by Monday or some people at corporate is going to hear my vexation!

Oh, and just to let you know, the word awesomesauce made it to the dictionary today but suicidality still isn’t in there. Go figure that one out.