Tag: chronic pain

Game Day Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Game Day Sunday

My football team won. Baseball team won. I just finished with a shower at halftime and my damn foot got zaps in it. I am in some serious pain but I just took a pain pill so hopefully that will take care of it. If not, in an hour I will take another one. I hate nerve pain. I can’t do anything about the zaps. I never know when they will occur and they come out of the blue. I never know when they will stop either. The longer they last, the deeper the pain is. Drives me insane.

Been in a depressed mood since I woke up this morning after a couple of weird dreams. The only one I can recall is walking toward a destination and getting lost. I was in the right vicinity of where I needed to be but kept on making wrong turns and had to back track. Then it got dark as I was walking back so I woke up. No idea what that dream is about. Probably just about getting lost. Or perhaps, feeling lost. I wanted to do some writing today before the game, but I got distracted. I wrote in my journal for about 45 mins before game time and that was the only writing I did. I feel like I should work on my manic story but not sure where to go with it. It’s not even 500 words so I really need to write more. I would like to describe the scene a little more, like where I was and such but don’t know where to put that in. Maybe a different paragraph. I know that if I write it out by hand, it will be better than typing it up on the word doc. I tend to write better with the pen and paper. I don’t lose my attention so fast when I make a mistake.

I woke up thinking today was Monday. This is the second time that I have thought this after having a rough night sleeping. Last week, I thought Saturday was Sunday all day. I swear if I don’t wear a watch, I just lose my sense of time. If I have the watch on, I don’t lose the time, if that makes sense. I know I have my phone but I don’t really pay attention to the date as well as I do with a watch. But since I no longer work or go out every day, wearing a watch has become inconsistent.

I hate this feeling of depression that I have been feeling all day. Watching both games distracted me from it for a little while but now the games are over and I have a long night ahead of me. I don’t know what to do with myself and that further depresses me. I have things I can read but I just can’t stay focused like I used to. I’ll read for about 20-30 minutes and then be done. I still haven’t finished reading “Order of the Phoenix” because my concentration is off. I lost interest in reading, so it’s hard to read. Things were all well and good when I was hypo but now that I am depressed, I find things to be so hard. My thinking has been a lot slower. I don’t have that much of an appetite lately. I have been sleeping more as I just been so tired. I am not really motivated to do anything. It just stinks.

Finally, a diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a diagnosis…

Since we have been talking about all the different personality disorders that I have been given the past two weeks, I decided to ask my therapist what I have. I must have one, surely. Turns out I don’t. I might have traits of borderline but I don’t fit the diagnosis. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I kind of figured I did as my symptoms do fit. Now that I know this, I am kind of relieved but also kind of not. It’s a serious diagnosis, one you don’t really recover fully from and I have been in a steady state for the last fourteen years. Some days are better than others, but pain seems to dictate my symptoms. For example, if I can’t move my toes because of temporary swelling, I will freak out and panic thinking I am going to get cauda equina syndrome (CES) again. I am in a quandary as to what to do. And calming down is extremely difficult. It makes the pain worse the more anxious I become. The swelling just happens because I have nerve damage and usually have overdone it for the day. My foot is constantly being used so the more I use it, the more pain I have, which lead me to more symptoms of flashbacks and thinking of not wanting to go there. I don’t want to have CES ever again but I have a few discs that are faulty and I am at risk of it happening, especially since one of the discs touches my nerves occasionally. I also have a constant reminder of this condition whenever my bladder leaks, which is has the past three days because of my increase in activity levels. It’s not fun. I should be wearing a diaper but my dignity is not there yet. Plus, it has been super hot and I really don’t want to wear a diaper when I am hot and sweaty.

Besides flashbacks, I also dissociate a lot when my depression is really bad. It is not clear whether I do have dissociative identity disorder, NOS or if it is a symptom of PTSD. Or it could be both. I do give my therapist a run for her money. I don’t know the whole symptomatology of the PTSD as it has been a LONG while since I last looked at the DSM and the DSM has changed so I am not sure if it is now included or not.

I think the stress over the last two weeks have finally caught up with me as I am having psychotic symptoms. I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I have been listening to Matchbox 20 incessantly. When I am not listening to it, the music is playing in my head, very loud. I tried listening to Adele to break the monotony but it didn’t work. The voices were demanding that I play MB20. So I am back to listening to them day and night. I plan on taking some trilafon soon. I will have to take some extra stuff for the constipation that will ensue. I hate being constipated but luckily there are things I can take to make me go. Otherwise, it could be days before I go. I have to be careful with my bowel regimen because too much and I have the opposite problem, which lead to accidents. I hate them more than my bladder leaks. It’s just degrading and demoralizing. It will also set off the reminder that I had CES and I will become depressed and feel despair. It’s the one thing I can’t control, like my bladder. And it sucks.

Depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a rough day. All I want to do is sleep. I managed to make some breakfast and eat a couple of cupcakes for lunch. I really just want to sleep today but I had to pick up my prescription before it got “recycled” at the pharmacy. They give you three days to pick up the meds. Any longer than that, it gets reshuffled into the stock pile. Today was day number three so I had to get it.

My sister texted me to pick up my niece tomorrow evening. I hope this sleepiness is gone by then. I need the energy to walk to the school and back. I hope it’s cool like today.

I texted my therapist to see if there was an opening and doesn’t appear to be. So I am stuck with talking with her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep Wed’s session or not. I am guessing it all depends on when my cake pops will be ready to be picked up. I am getting them as a thank you to my psych.

I feel really tired. My thoughts are slow. I can’t seem to focus on anything. My appetite is off. I think I am depressed. I really want to read Harry Potter but I can’t concentrate. I am not even close to being half way finished. I hate being in the middle of a book. But things have been so crazy the past two weeks. I am still in awe that I got published in the New York Times. My mother still hasn’t said anything about it. But my sisters have. They are so happy for me. My younger sister bought me champagne the other night. We still haven’t celebrated because I have been in this funk. There has been a bright side. I have sold nine books so far, five from Kindle and four paperbacks. I haven’t gotten any reviews yet. We’ll have to wait for that.

Oh dear god, they are starting a “say no to suicide” campaign. Like that is really going to work. I know it worked for drugs, but suicide is a different thing. It’s deeply personal. Because saying no, always worked for me. NOT! I don’t know who comes up with these things. It’s horrible. And they are doing this to stop stigma. Well you just added stigma to your stupid campaign. How are people going to talk about it if you just “say no”? It really bothers me. Most people in the prevention campaign have been open to talking about suicide, not shutting it down and certainly by not saying “no”. To me, if someone is seeking help and all they hear is the word no, then it further breaks down the lines of communication and there might be a suicide.

I’ve been in a lot of pain today for some reason. My big toe starting zapping early this morning and it is still sore. The lump I have on my good ankle is sore. I just took an NSAID and a pain pill to calm things down. I think the weather change has brought about this pain. My bad ankle is also throbbing, but then, it always is. I have been lucky the past week my pain has been minimal. But now it’s starting to ramp up again. Like I said earlier, other than going to Walgreens, I mostly have been in bed all day. I haven’t even been up and down the stairs that much. Hope it settles down because I have things to do this week and I need to be able to walk.

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.