Tag: chronic pain

In a Shitty Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a Shitty mood

I’m in a shitty mood right now. Pain has come back with a vengeance and have been trying to come up with a way to take my night meds without hurting myself more. If I stand on my foot, the pain is temporarily stopped but soon as I get off, it returns worse than before. I took some pain meds fifteen minutes ago so I am hoping the pain will ease some and then I can stand up and take my meds. I should have taken them when I came back from the bathroom but thought it was too early. Then my medication app went off and I started cursing. This pain has gone on for about a week now. It is dragging me down into a well and I know soon I will be thinking about ending my life if it continues. Either that or ways of chopping my foot off. Just cut the part that hurts away and I will be better. Least that is my theory, though I know it won’t be true. My nerves will have a field day and a half should I attempt it. So cutting off the affected limb is out.

It’s really stressful to be in pain every day. Yesterday I got notification that I will receive my disability payments until I am 65. I found that it was depressing. It means I can no longer join the work force. That I am truly disabled and I don’t like being disabled. I thought I made peace with this idea of not being able to work but was hopeful that once the LTD stopped, I could face the possibility of finding a part time job. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t go to college and I can’t work. What the hell am I going to do 24/7? Sure I will sleep for at least 6 hours so that will leave what, 18 hours to do something? I can write but it only comes in spurts. Sure I write on my blog frequently but it’s not the same as writing for my book, which I have my doubts on. I know I might sell a few copies of the new book, but I doubt it will be as much as my first book. Or maybe it will be more because it’s concentrated on something else. I don’t know, it’s frustrating because I know I will never be a Neil Gaiman or a Lawrence Block. My writing is just not that great all the time. Even my stories that I have posted on my blog don’t get read that wildly. I am just a dark writer and unless I find a dark audience, the material is just not going to go anywhere.

I have thought about what I am going to do with my check now that it is secured. Maybe I can save up for a college class online and see how that goes. There is a psychology class that is available only in the summer at UMB that I have been dying to take. It will take some budgeting but I think I can do it by next April. I also want to go on a trip to see my friends out in California. One lives there and three others have moved there. It would be nice to see them again. Then I have a friend in Texas that I have been dying to see since she left Boston. My cousin also just moved there so I will be killing two birds with one stone. Least I hope so. Texas is a big state and unfortunately, my friend lives on one end and my cousin is in the middle. Not close together so it will take some planning. Least she is closer to him now than she was before. So next check will be a huge saving deal where I put money aside for travel and some aside for college. But all of this is mute if I end up dead because of this fucking pain that won’t go away. This is the second month that I have had a bad flare up where I had to take strong pain meds to quiet it down. I thought after the good day I had earlier I would be fine. All that changed when the pain became intense that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Sometimes the pain goes away if I don’t pay attention to it and then there are times when doing that just intensifies it. I guess getting the migraine earlier out of the blue really caused my mood to shift.

It started while I was watching the OSU game. Western Michigan had the ball at their 2 yard line and the crowd noise went ballistic. I know the volume on the TV was loud but the crowd noise made it amplify. I should have known I was getting a migraine but didn’t think nothing of it. My mother came to the kitchen so I switched TVs. I watched from the living room and my head started hurting. I was also becoming irritable and tired. I was watching baseball and every time I switched games, from football to baseball, I felt like I was watching golf as the baseball game was so quiet compared to the football game. I watched baseball during halftime and then when they place Ogando in whatever inning it was, I went to my room. I can’t stand to watch him pitch because he loves giving up the long ball (homerun). But he did good today, kept the shut out. It wasn’t until I heard a saw running that my head exploded with pain. My sister is doing construction in her kitchen. They were still working on it from this morning. I immediately took my migraine pill before nausea could set in. I guess that was why I was sick the other day. If the nausea lasts more than 24 hours, I usually end up with a migraine some where in the next day or so. This is why I need my Zofran. I know it’s the weekend but I should be able to have them fill it. If it doesn’t cost too much, maybe I will pay out of pocket if insurance is the issue. I can’t imagine it can be but I won’t know until someone picks up the damn phone and tells me why they can’t fill it. If they need a diagnosis, I can tell them but they probably want it from my doc, which means having to wait till Monday. I will try tomorrow to get someone in the pharmacy and then if I don’t get someone, I will tweet walgreens to make a stink. Sometimes I get a faster response tweeting than I do on the phone.

I really am trying not to let the pain get the best of me but it is so fucking hard. I am in such a shitty mood. I need to take my night meds so I can try and get some sleep. But the throbbing is so incessant. I just need about 5 minutes to stand to take my meds and then be back on my comfy bed. I don’t think that is asking too much after all the walking I did and stair climbing, it should be a piece of cake. But no, not tonight. The ball of my foot is being prodded so viciously and angrily. It’s in my between the last two metatarsals of my foot. And the pain is going to the side of my foot near my ankle. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome sucks so bad. I guess I should be grateful that it’s a mild case and not severe as it can be. Doesn’t mean I like it very much. This is why I am disabled, aside from my mental illness. My mental illness is the 1st diagnosis that lead to me being disabled. Then you add my physical disability and whammo, I can’t work anymore. I really can’t stand this. Being in mental pain is one thing. I thought, at one point, being in physical pain was better. How wrong was I? Terribly wrong. I only thought it was better because there would be medication for it. But I soon found out that being in pain all the time screws up pathways and shit that medications just don’t touch. I would have to take Neurontin and my opioids to get total relief for ONE day. But the problem with the Neurontin is that it makes me hungry and I need to watch my fucking weight. So I don’t take it unless I absolutely have to. It’s hard to tell when I am having a nerve pain attack and when this is physical pain that is only helped by narcs. Usually in this flare up, I have to take a Neurontin or a dozen to get relief. And I do mean a dozen. I will take a handful and then be fine for a week. Then I know it was nerve pain and not physical pain. It’s been an hour since I took the pain meds and now my foot has calmed down so I know that it was physical pain. It’s still throbbing but with less intensity. I can now take my night time meds and try to go to sleep. Maybe the shitty mood will be gone by morning.

A Rare Good Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today was a better day than yesterday. Because I had to take strong pain meds to quiet down the flare up, I was able to go out today and get my celebratory roast beef sandwich from a good place. Only the sandwich wasn’t as good as in the past, which was disappointing. The meat was dry. I didn’t eat those parts of it. I went to Starbucks first and to my surprise my Hawaiian coffee is back! I wanted to get an 8 ounce bag but damn, I wasn’t going to pay $30 for it. I will stick with the cup, thank you. But even the cup was expensive at like $6/cup, so it might be worth it to get the bag. I don’t know if they have it at the Square location. I will have to check it out when I go there on Monday. I also want to get the Brazil coffee that I can’t pronounce. It’s called Sertaozinho. I had to look it up on the Starbucks website as I knew I couldn’t remember to spell it right. The new coffee they have, in addition to the Hawaiian, is a Sumantra that I am going to try because there is hazelnuts in it. I don’t really like the Sumantras brand because it is wicked strong and a dark roast but this particular one is supposed to be lighter than the others. I will get a tall and see if I like it. If I don’t, I will get my Hawaiian coffee!

I am glad I was able to walk the distance. I just wish I brought my pedometer with me to see how many steps I walked. It would be interesting to see how many steps I can do on a good day versus a bad day. I am just glad the weather was cool and not too warm. My ankle is sort of bothering me now that I am home resting. I just hope it doesn’t get worse as the night goes on. I wanted to be home to watch the OSU game. It’s on ABC today, which is good. I don’t have to deal with ESPN announcers. They really stink. OSU finally decided who their starting QB was and I am kind of disappointed. I really wanted JT Barrett but Cardale Jones got the job. Hope he doesn’t throw any INT today. They are 3-0 right now. I am really looking forward to the game. Sox are playing a half hour later so I will be switching during commercial breaks. I love college football. Nebraska won today too. I didn’t see their game because I was out and about but kept up with it via Twitter.

There is a wedding I am supposed to attend in the upcoming weeks. I don’t think I am going to go because I don’t have dress clothes that fit me anymore and it’s not like I have the money to buy new clothes. I have a dress shirt that fits but not pants. I will be sad if I miss this. It’s really hard finding my size clothing. I can usually find my waste size but the length is tricky because I am short. The 29 length goes like crazy so I am usually stuck with a 30 that I need to cuff up. I just wish I didn’t gain the weight that I have in the last three years. I has been so tough to lose because I am so inactive. I try to reduce my caloric intake but it’s next to impossible when you get the munchies and you have a sweet tooth. I really would love to get some carob chips or carob covered raisins. Used to be able get them at Whole Foods in bulk but they don’t seem to sell them anymore. I was only able to find carob chips. It’s an alternative to chocolate. But it is expensive. I think the only reason I didn’t get it was because of the price. It was a small bag and I just couldn’t justify buying it because it really wasn’t what I wanted anyway. It would have been fine if I was making cookies or something but I wasn’t.

Walgreens is messing with me and I don’t like it. My prescription for the Zofran is “on file”, meaning nothing is being done with it and then when I called, they wouldn’t answer the phone. I waiting a good ten minutes for them to pick up but they never did. What the hell. I never had any problems with any of my prescriptions being filled. Paying for them is another matter but usually they are good about being filled. I just hope it’s because their system is still down. The prescription has gone from ready to be picked up, to “order received” to on file. I don’t understand this. And without talking with someone about it, I am frustrated. I don’t use this medicine often but I only have one pill left. If I get a migraine, I am screwed because sometimes I need at least two pills to quiet the nausea.

Monday I need to call my doc’s office to see if my pain med is ready to be picked up. I was expecting a phone call yesterday but no one called. It will be another trip into town and I hope my ankle is up to the task.

Not Feeling Good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t sleep well last night. I got about three hours total. Then I had to get up and go to my father’s. My ankle still isn’t happy with me. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach from not sleeping. I still feel this way even though I had some greasy food. For some reason, greasy food always seems to settle my stomach. I am going to take a nap and see if that helps. I just took some pain meds so I hope in about 45 minutes I am off to dreamland.

I have been sort of depressed because of the pain I am in. I still am worried about the upcoming anniversary and of my LTD insurance calling me for an update on my condition. They just want to know if I am still disabled.

Sox are playing tonight but I don’t care. They lost last night and I got mad. Then I got pissed off when they said the pitcher that lost the game had a good start. WTF. If he had a good start, he wouldn’t have lost the game! HE did it, not the bullpen. I am just so tired of hearing of “quality starts” in losses. It’s like saying yeah, we lost by ten runs but after that he settled down and didn’t allow anymore. Just aggravating the way this season has gone. I know we can’t win every single game, but can they at least try to? Would that be so hard? Course there is only about two weeks left in regular season. That’s 11 games. I would take a draw at 6-5 rather than a 5-6 record. Or worse 0-11.

Only thing planned tomorrow, other than my groceries delivered, is getting my haircut, doing an errand for my mother, and then resting the rest of the day. I might go to Kelly’s to get a roast beef sandwich but I will have a ton of food in the house. I will finally have my ceasar salad with grilled chicken. I have been craving that more than the roast beef. I ordered eggs for the first time. I am really nervous about this as I hate to have one of them crack. But we needed eggs and my mother was too cheap to buy them. She only wanted them if they were less than $2. Not happening anymore. Prices have gone up and I am afraid, they are going to stay up.

I kind of put in my pain medication refill request kind of late. I was hoping to get a call today saying it was ready to be picked up but I haven’t. And my Zofran hasn’t been called into the pharmacy yet. I have just one pill left and will need it refilled soon if this nausea doesn’t go away. I know part of it has to do with allergies and post nasal drip. But not sleeping all night also is part of it. I didn’t get to sleep till 0300 and then I woke up around 0600, and I was up. It was so hard to get back to sleep. I tried not playing with electronics but it’s hard to do when you aren’t sleepy and you are just laying there in bed. I heard my mother get up around 0730 and must have snoozed a little bit until I heard her leave at 0930. I didn’t have coffee today because my stomach has been so off. I think I am going to have some Chamomile tea later to help settle my stomach. The fries and mozz sticks can only do so much. I also ordered a pizza. It’s Greek and really good but I was only able to eat one slice. I will have more later when and if I get hungry. I am wondering if I felt sick because I didn’t sleep off my pain meds. I have been popping them like crazy since my foot flared up last night and just took two more.

Either there is a fire in my area or someone is burning something in my yard. I can’t stand the smell of smoke, unless it’s from a BBQ. Then that is ok.

Ankle Chronicles 11

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 11

Hard to believe I am up to 11 stories about my stupid ankle. But here goes…

I woke up early this morning to my foot having fits and being a real ass. I had to go out today. There was no way I was spending another day in the house after I spent nearly all weekend and then some inside. So I took some pain meds and within and hour I was back to sleep. When I woke up my foot wasn’t as bad, until I started walking on it. It didn’t like it one bit. Shit. Too bad. I rebelled. I kept off it most of the day until I had to do an errand for my sister and then leave to go get my latte. My sister is a little nuts. I know she has anxiety when it comes to her kids but her kids aren’t little anymore. She wanted me to check in on the 17 year old to see if she had a fever. Really? My niece is not mentally disabled. I think she can stick a thermometer in her mouth quite safely to see if she is running a fever. So I hobble over there and find she is fine. No fever just some pain in her side that I contribute to either a pulled muscle or her period coming on. She is not throwing up, doesn’t feel nauseous, is drinking fluids. So I leave to catch my bus to the Square. My foot is not really hurting but before I leave to go to the train station to meet up with my friends, I take a pain pill just in case.

I met up with my friends and we had dinner. Then we went to the bookstore and I got a book that I wanted on Amazon and a new journal. I really wanted to get the $40 one but settled on the camo one for $30. As we are walking back to the car, my ankle decides it is going to act up. I have to play it cool so I just walk like nothing is bothering me. We get back to the train station to head home and we have to jog a bit to make it to the platform on time. Yea, my ankle REALLY didn’t like that. I thought all was good until I got off the bus and started walking home. I should have taken a pain pill while I was waiting for the bus. So I pretty much had to crawl home. It took me at least twenty minutes to get home when it normally would take me ten. I am half way down the street that I hate walking at night when I start to feel really nauseous. I had to stop for a few minutes and then continue. I had some dry heaves in the process. I didn’t think I was going to get home without hurling my dinner. I finally make it home, stomach contents still intact and where they should be.

Now I have to climb two flights of stairs to my room. My ankle is still being a whiny bitch and fights me every step. I also have to go to the bathroom but want to change before I do. I took a Zofran (anti-emetic) so I don’t puke. I am waiting for that to kick in before I start taking my handful of night meds and my pain meds. I go to the bathroom and come back to my room. Ankle is fuming at me now. It wants no part of standing to take my meds. My stomach is still unsettled to I take my pill box to the night stand and when my stomach is ready, least I won’t have to get up again. I am tempted just to take the one pill that I need and my pain meds and say screw the rest of them. Problem is, that pill looks like my Ativan so I will have to take both pills because I can’t really distinguish them without looking up the pill numbers and such. That is too much work to do when I am in pain and just want to go to sleep.

I had therapy today. Again she wanted to know where my writing was at. UGH. Why do my two treaters care where my writing is at when I don’t have the answer for them? It drives me crazy because I am not writing and I feel bad about this. It adds pressure for me and the more pressure that is on, I can’t write. It’s not writer’s block. The stuff is there. I just need motivation to actually write my thoughts out. But I am scared it is going to cause some unpleasantness, maybe some dissociation or worse, psychotic symptoms to come out. That is why I am treading lightly in my head before it is on paper. They don’t know this though. I haven’t told them because I just don’t want them to pressure me more. It has been months since I wrote something good. I think the NYT article was the last thing I wrote, outside my blog and journal. I got to find my mojo again.