Tag: chronic physical pain

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?

Ramblings 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I didn’t think I would blog today as I am supposed to be “off” but I am in an irritated mood. Thanksgiving went well. I didn’t murder any family members or mouth anyone off, though I wanted to very badly. Not so much the murder part, but mouthing off to the two people that were competing for attention tonight. I won’t say who they are as my blog is a selfish one, it is all about ME. LOL. Actually, this blog is the only place I can be me.

I got my stupid menses again. I hate it because I just fucking showered today and now I am a mess and need another one. GGGGGRRRRRRR. I am hoping it stays to just some spotting or I am going to be a wreck. It is weird because I haven’t had the usual wicked down mood before the spotting. I have been in a good mood the past few days, which is also unusual. My psychiatrist thinks it is a good thing, but with me, good things don’t last. And there is usually a downfall.

I got some bad news yesterday that every time I think about it, I start crying. My BFF from high school father passes away suddenly. I have been in shock and don’t know what to do about it. She lives far away from me and there is no way I could go up and see her. Her parents sort of became my own when I was in high school. They cared for me like their own. I will never forget that. We still keep in touch after all this time.

Tonight I also talked with my BFFL. We were only on the phone for like 40 minutes and it felt like hours. It was so great talking to him but we just talked about the past. It’s like we are stuck there for some reason, like that is all we have to talk about. Granted we never reconnected after I moved out of our little town and moved on into adulthood. I can’t really say we have done anything as adults. We just got too busy to get together.

I finally got the editing done for most of my book. I just have the last forty or so pages to do and I will be done. I will have to re-read it over one more time before I think it is ready for someone else to read but it’s getting there.

I am getting worried about my thumb. It has been twitching for some time now and it is now happening more frequently. I don’t know if it has to do with carpel tunnel or not. It doesn’t hurt. But it worries me that I don’t know why it is doing it. My aunt just got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Granted she is eight-nine years young but still, it is significant. The twitching could be any number of things, from too much caffeine to side effects from my medication to overuse from the computer. I am just hoping it’s just a fluke and goes away on its own. The twitching doesn’t last long but when it’s done, my thumb feels fatigued.

to go on living a life you don’t want to live

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.

I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…

OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.

I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.

I’m an idiot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I started writing a paper for today’s blog but I kept on getting distracted. I will have it for you probably tomorrow when I am more clearheaded.

I finally edited more than 100 pages for my book today. I am past page 100 so I only have about 60 more pages to go. Then I can go to the editor and see what she can do. I have to say that I am taking out more than I am putting in. This is going to be a short book. But I still have the intro and ending to do so maybe that will add some pages. I got some good news…the editor can take me earlier than I thought! I could have this baby done by March instead of later than that! I am excited. I just emailed her to see what her status was and if she is still interested in working with me. I just have to work out a payment plan or saving the money. I really want this to work and I am not the greatest at saving money. But I think I have worked out a plan. I just hope I don’t have to borrow money from my mother. That will suck because I don’t think she knows I am writing this book and I don’t want her to read it. She never really supports me like my sisters do. I don’t think she would approve. Granted I have kept talking about my family to a minimum.

My back is not doing well today. I was looking for the article for the paper I am writing and tweaked my back because of bending down and then my mother wanted help with her new “toy”: a hard floors cleaner. My back is so not happy with me right now. But I have meds to take care of it and some stretching to do later should it act up. It definitely didn’t like me kneading the muscles with my knuckles so I know it is angry. Plus the weather is not helping me. Fricken cold and rainy today. It was supposed to “warm up” but it never did. I think there is a possibility of snow if the temp continues to drop. FUN! I am not going out until Monday anyways. But I need some fricken half and half. I cannot believe I fricken placed an online order for Stop and Shop and forgot half and half for coffee. I am an idiot!