Tag: chronic physical pain

a little of this and a whole lot of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.

I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.

I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.

I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.

I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.

I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.

Shouldn’t have gone out today

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, suicide attempt

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.

exhaustion, pain, and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders, suicide

As my mother would say, I did nothing at all today to warrant feeling utterly exhausted. What she didn’t know is that I woke up three times during the night because of pain and had to take my pain medication each time I woke up. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night, ever. It is a rare event now to get at least 6 straight hours of sleep at night. I have been managing only 3-4 so far for the past week. It’s only seven o’clock and I feel like I have been up all day even though I did get up at noon, a half hour before my therapy session. I made breakfast even though my ankle was killing me. It started last night when I got home from the party and hasn’t really let up. Today I got a compression sleeve for the ankle and put it on. It really helped with pain control. I have had it on for a couple of hours and had to take it off because the material was annoying me. Now the pain is returning. You can wear the compression sleeve for 24 hrs but I don’t want my skin to get annoyed with me. Because my foot/ankle is nerve damage, even socks annoy me after a length of time.

I really want to take a nap but then I will be up in a few hours and won’t sleep through the night. It is a vicious cycle.

I talked with my therapist today. She read both my blogs on my rant about her and my transgender. She really wants me to see this transgender doctor at the LGBTQ health center in town. But I told her I can’t. We were supposed to get back to the other blog, where we come up with something different than how she is handling my suicidal crisis and I suggested that she have her doctor prescribe her valium. I was sort of half joking/being serious. I don’t know what is going to ease her anxiety about me being in a suicidal crisis. I just know that it is interfering with me telling her what I need to tell her. I remember a time where I could tell her my plans and she might not agree with them and I know she certainly didn’t want me to go through with them but she listened to it. Now it’s literally like she panics soon as I get another hair brained idea to kill myself. Oh and I wanted tomorrow off just so I could sleep in. You would have thought I was trying to steal the Hope diamond. SHE went berserk on that plan so I countered with a session for Thursday. She is like the mother hen from psycho land or something. She always wants to know what I am doing. My own mother could care less what I am doing and where I am going.

So the reason I bring this up is to try and think of a way in my exhausted state to tell my therapist she really needs valium or another way of handling me. But what does that look like? I am not her so I can’t just tell her to fuck off, I mean I can but it’s not going to get me anywhere. How am I supposed to get her to calm down? And why am I the one to think of these things?? Shouldn’t therapists already know how to handle shit? It’s not like I am confessing a gruesome murder or something. Well, maybe. In a sense I am telling her how I am completing my own murder of self. But it’s not like I am chopping off my head and body parts. Though right now the only body part I would LOVE to chop off would be my ankle. I got to seriously think about this one because I don’t know what to do. I generally like to be on my own about this stuff and she doesn’t want me to be alone. Maybe that is what she should do, leave me alone and let me tell her whatever it is that is running through my rabbit brained mind. I know the chance of me acting on such thoughts are small. But thinking those thoughts give me a release that helps me get through the darkness. But as we were talking about today, if I don’t talk about the dark thoughts, if I keep them inside without anyone hearing them, Then Mr. Hyde is going to come out and start with the suicide notes, and this time it might be more people out there than just my blog can reach.

nerve pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, suicide

I woke up this morning and it felt like my little toe on my nerve damaged foot was cutting into my other toe next to it. It was really hurting but I just cut the nail so I knew it couldn’t be the cause. I was feeling kind of crummy and decided to shave my goatie off as it was annoying me and then take a shower. Whatever was causing my toe to hurt, was worse when my foot hit the water. As much as the shower felt good to the rest of my body, my toe hates me now. I asked my mother to look at the toe as I can’t bend down to see it nor have the agility to look at the stupid thing thanks to four back surgeries. She said that it looks like I have a blister forming or a corn. Great. Now I just have to wait and see what forms and what kind of pain I will be in over the next couple of days.

I hate having nerve damage. My toes are extremely sensitive because of the after effects due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got this syndrome more than ten years ago and I am still dealing with it. I hate waking up in pain or staying up in pain almost every single night. The doctors have nothing to do for me. I just take pain meds and hope for the best.

I really am tired of dealing with the nerve pain. Everything intensifies when I try to touch my toes. Cutting my toenails are the worse. I have to wait till the nerve pain is down to a minimum in order to get a hold of my foot to do the deed.

This leaves me very depressed. I miss my old self where I could do the things normal people take for granted. Like taking a long hot shower, taking a long walk, or just standing for more than ten minutes. I have since my original diagnosis have another painful diagnosis of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is fun (said with severe sarcasm). My toes and foot become as cold as ice and then when they warm up, I am in such severe pain all I can do is think about death.
Not only is physical pain exhausting it drags you down mentally. You feel like you are a loser because you can no longer do the things you once were able to do.

I hope my pain is not going to be exhausting tonight. I am hoping to catch a nap now as I am overcome with exhaustion just from taking a shower. I hate when that happens.