Tag: chronic physical pain

ankle chronicles 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

Woke up this morning and I am still in fricken pain. It’s so bad that I really can’t move my ankle/foot. It’s the same type of pain I felt yesterday morning that lasted all day and into the night. I slept for about six hours before it woke me up again. I just had breakfast so I am hoping I can get back to sleep. Looks like I won’t be going out today, and if I do it will be comfort food like donuts. I had a good donut at Starbucks yesterday, a raspberry/blueberry one. It was very good. I like their new line of pastries, though it is kind of expensive.

All of this psychosis that I have been having is making me think that life is not worth living. I keep thinking of the studies that show that people that are psychotic are more likely to die by suicide than non-psychotic individuals. Great. Why can’t I go through with what the voices are telling me to do? I am scared though, scared that I might start cutting again because that is what the voices want. I haven’t told anyone outside this blog how things are. My sister wants me to babysit my niece tonight. The only good thing about that is I will have a huge screen TV to watch the game. The little one will be asleep so I don’t have to worry about entertaining her. I have been meaning to tell one of my sisters I am doing poorly but I just can’t seem to bring myself to. It’s not easy telling others that you are psychotic. I told my psychiatrist I was crazy and of course she tells me I am not. OK, like normal people hear voices all the time. And without the stupid “normal” voices, I can’t read like I used to. I need the narrator voice to concentrate while I read. It’s the only way that I can retain the information.

But I am in the middle of a pain flare up. There is no way I am seeking out psychiatric care other than my therapist and psychiatrist. I know that I will be in put in the hospital and I probably won’t have access to my pain meds. That will NOT be good at all. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. I didn’t do anything to my fricken ankle so I am not sure why it’s so angry with me. It hurts all around the bone on the outside of my ankle. It’s like something is crushing the bone, or trying to. It is maddening and despite not trying to think about it, it doesn’t work. The pain is just too intense. I am really hurting and wondering why this is happening to me now. I know that is one of the things that I will be asked when I am in the damn hospital. “What set things off”? I don’t fricken know. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to complete the book. Maybe it is because I had a dissociative episode and now I am paying the price by hearing voices. I just want it to end, to have the voices stop. I am not hearing them now because I am too tired to listen to them. And somehow when I am in great physical pain, it’s like my psychiatric symptoms are on hold except for the depression. The depression is always there no matter what. And I still feel like I am carrying around black clouds. The thing is, that while you are in the hospital, your medical care goes out the window. They really don’t care about your physical complaints, unless you are having a heart attack or something, then they care.

I am just worried sick about where I will end up and if it will be close to public transportation or not so I can get home without bothering my sister. But if I end up in a faraway hospital, I will need a ride home. I know I shouldn’t be stressing about where I will be placed but it just helps me to know. But none of that matters right now because I am in a pain flare up and until my pain levels are under control, I am not going anywhere.

I had planned on watching college football today and the Sox game but I just don’t feel like it. The Nebraska game will be on at noon today, Sox game is I think at 6, and OSU is at 8. But I just took my pain meds and soon will be seeing Morpheus. You would think that I would be used to taking two pain pills that it wouldn’t affect me now but it still does. Funny how it only seems to affect me during the day and at night, not so much, unless I take an Ativan.

I am mostly packed for my stay. I just need to put in my hormone pills. I hope this works and I don’t get my menses this month. I will really be upset if I get it. Being in a locked psych unit is one thing, but having your menses on the unit is quite another. I am bringing my stuff with me just in case I do have bleeding. I just hope I don’t have to use it.

Damn this ankle pain is so fricken bad. I should probably ice it but I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds so I know I will be knocked out soon. I don’t want to keep the ice on my foot longer than twenty minutes because that isn’t good. I once fell asleep with the ice wrap on. My foot didn’t like it and was grateful when I woke up and took it off.

For those that are reading my blog for the first time, I have cauda equina syndrome and complex regional pain syndrome that is causing my pain in my ankle. I also have chronic tendonitis in this ankle that no one knows why and has not been helped with standard treatment (rest, elevation, ice, compression). I have nerve damage in this ankle/foot and it becomes fatigued very quickly as I have weakness also.

psychosis and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.

sleep interrupted

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep interrupted

I went to bed early because I was tired. I took my meds like I normally do and fell asleep around 9ish. Then I woke up around midnight in pain. WTF. This is the third or fourth time in as many days that I have been waking up in pain. It’s all the same pain, in my left foot or leg or ankle, but mostly in my foot. It is driving me crazy.

I had woken up early this morning with leg pain. I tried my best to ignore it but it got the best of me so I took my pain meds. I went back to sleep.

Now it’s close to one in the morning and I am very tired but I am in a lot of pain. I didn’t do anything today to warrant this type of pain. Only thing I can think of is the weather change.

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog today but seeing as I am up, I thought I would. I have to vent because this is just ridiculous. I should still be sleeping. But because I am not, I am just so sick of it all. I just took some more pain meds to try and calm this pain down. I feel so out of sorts. I still have Pearl Jam’s new song in my head though everything seems to be quiet for the moment. I just want to sleep. What is so wrong with that??

I have been thinking of paging my pdoc the past few days. I see her Friday so I am hoping I can just wait it out. Later today, in the afternoon, I have to go with my father to the hospital to visit my aunt (his sister). She is having heart trouble. I haven’t seen my aunt since her birthday last November. I am not looking forward to seeing her as I hate going to the hospital. But my father wants to see her and he gets confused on how to get there so I have to take him.

songs and their meaning to me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I had my sister’s car today and lucky for me, Taylor Swift’s Fearless CD was the first disc in her CD player. I listened to “Love Story” at least five times while riding around town. It got me thinking about my therapist for some reason, all the struggles we have been through over the years and now we have a “love” that only we know about. The lyrics really struck a chord with every verse. No matter how many times I have listened to this song, I never get tired of listening to it. I can hear it all day and love it just as much as when I listened to it the first time.

Then when I came home, I decided to listen to my Taylor playlist. First song was “Enchanted”. It always reminds me of the time I had my first poster session at the American Association of Suicidology 41st annual conference. It was when David Jobes read my poster and I was flipping out, though I tried not to let him see me freak out. I was just so honor and star struck that he was reading my work, Ten Faces. Funny how songs can stir up these memories.

I did a little editing today but didn’t make it to twenty pages. I only did seventeen. I did it while I was at my favorite Starbucks drinking a new coffee, Jamaica Blue Mountain. It was very good but I couldn’t finish it all. I was too full. Now I am home and think I want to take a nap before I have to pick up my brother in law at the train station. I woke up at seven this morning. It’s going to be a long day because the Sox are on tonight. The game doesn’t really matter (to the Sox) but do matter with the O’s. I feel bad that Manny Machado go hurt and will miss the postseason. There are just three more games in the regular season for the Sox. I don’t know when the first playoff game is yet. I have to look into it. But then I don’t know who they are playing. I don’t know if they will play the wild card or what. I hope Texas wins the wild card. I just hate playing the Rays.

I still am feeling hopeless. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist next week to give her an update and see if she has any suggestions. Maybe a new antidepressant is out there that might help me, though I doubt it. But she might have something that might help lessen the dissociative episodes. I guess I don’t have to be on Neurontin to get into them. My therapist keeps telling me that since she has known me, I have been dissociative in nature. I don’t have a true dissociative identity disorder (DID), but I do have DID, NOS (not otherwise specified). I don’t think this stuff made it to my book. I just talked about my suicidality, but seeing as most of these blogs have been really good, I might include them as a chapter. It would be interesting, I think.