Tag: coffee

Starbucks and Chinese food

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

Rest is not as easy as it seems

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Resting is not as easy as it seems

Yesterday, I did nothing but stay in bed. I had to rest because I didn’t go to sleep right away when I got home. I was up till about 0300. Then my mother went shopping and my cousin wanted me to get the bags. I ignored the calls and tried to sleep as he was taking the bags up and down the stairs. I didn’t care. There was no way my ankle would like me going up and down the stairs. I would have been in worse pain than I was already in.

Today, I tried to stay in. It was fairly easy as it is cold out and I don’t feel like bracing myself for the cold. So I stayed in. I am going to see if my sister can pick up my prescription I have been neglecting to pick up. I just don’t feel like getting dressed. My sister just invited me to dinner and I turned that down. Anything that involves stairs or going out, is a no go.

I had therapy last night. I don’t remember much about it. Jekyll wants to be called Jack. He wanted to be in control but my therapist just kept on talking rather than listening and he got annoyed so went away again. I am glad we aren’t talking again until Tuesday. Next week is going to be a difficult week. I got to take my father to his appointment Thursday and then I have my appointment with my psych the next day. Back to back days of going out. Should be fun. NOT.

I am so tired today. The most I did was make a batch of popcorn. That set my ankle off again. And last night I noticed that the swelling was near my Achilles. I hope that I didn’t do something to it. I really don’t want to be in a boot come this cold weather. I swear being in this much pain has drained whatever energy I had. I am below zero in the energy boards. And I don’t think I can recover. I am trying to recover so that I can do what I can to get my coffee but it just isn’t working. I am just in too much pain. And having to take pain medication just makes you more tired than you were before. This just sucks. I would try and sneak in a nap right now but my mother will be making dinner soon. So even though I have been trying to rest, it hasn’t worked out that way. But I am keeping my ankle elevated so that is the important thing. I haven’t gone around to icing it. I keep forgetting to grab an ice pack on the way back up to my room.

I haven’t had coffee in two days. I think I am going to get the K-cups for my sister’s Keurig machine so I can make it at home. Might be better that way so I can get a decent cup of coffee when I want it. And it will be cheaper to do so. As long as I remember to buy the cream as well!

Next week on a day that I am not doing much, I am going to call the junk place and get my car out of the driveway. I would have done it today as it was a dry day but I don’t feel well. I am too tired to do anything. But if they come next week, I think it will be good to finally get rid of this car. And I might actually have a little money in my pocket. That would be nice.

Saturday Blog 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, sports, writing

I watched college football for the first time this season. I didn’t think I was going to wake up early enough for it because I usually forget. Luckily, the game was on the cable network so I got to see it on my living room TV instead of the small kitchen one. It was OSU vs Navy. I had a hard time rooting for either team because both are my favorites. But in the end, I went for my most favorite team, OSU.

I forgot to take my morning meds again. It is way too late now to take them as I will be taking my night time meds in a few hours. This sucks. I also have not taken my blood pressure at all today and I am afraid to because I know it is going to be high. So I will skip that too.

After the game, I was very tired for some reason. So I took a nap before my bladder woke me up, angrily. I forgot that I drank 32 ounces of fluid before taking my nap so I was FULL. Not a good thing when you have CES. I am still wearing a pad because of my menses so if I leaked, I didn’t care.

I have to take a shower today. I am all icky and stuff. It looks like my menses are finally going away, which is a good thing because then I can restart my hormone pills. I just have to remember when I stopped the pills. This sucks that I have to stop the pill every three packs. What good is it if I do that?? Three months off is not enough time to forget the awfulness of being in the wrong body. And then have to deal with it again, three months later, just sucks.

Since I woke up this morning (around 11 or so), I have been eating constantly. I finally stopped around the time the game ended. I am now bloated. I don’t think I am going to have anything else to eat today. If I do get hungry, I will just have a bowl of cereal.

Ruby De La Rosa is pitching tonight for the Red Sox. I don’t want to even watch or hear the game. Ever since the Sox traded away three good pitchers, I stopped watching or listening to the game. I would, however, keep track on Twitter. Or if I really cared, I would go the website and check out the score. But usually they would have a lead and then blow it. Such is the story of the season. This year’s sox just cannot hold on to a lead for nothing. The only team that we seem to be able to beat are the Blue Jays. Tonight is a much more competitive team, the Tampa Bay Rays. I hate that team. So if I happen to sleep through the game, so be it.

The agitation that I was feeling yesterday is gone, thank goodness. I guess, all I needed was sleep, even if it took a few Ativan to get there. Right now I am just feeling sleepy. But it’s not even eight o’clock yet so I can’t take my meds. I mean I could, it’s not like I am on a schedule or anything like I was when I was in the hospital, but if I take them too early, the chances of me waking up in the wee hours of the morning is greater. I have done that before and I woke up at midnight or 1 am. Not good because then I have the energy of three people and I don’t know what to do with it.

I didn’t work on any writing today. I didn’t even have a cup of coffee today. I have a feeling the coffee is what is causing the jitters that I get. So as my writing award for next month, and seeing as I can’t afford Starbucks, I will try to make a Starbucks award for my writing next month. That is, if I can afford it. I am going to try and promote my book this month so I have a few dollars on the side. I sold 3 books this month. I want to try and sell 5 next month. That is going to be a huge task. It would be easier if I had a printer but I don’t. My sister does but she doesn’t have ink for it. I am screwed. But I can still hashtag away at Twitter every day a couple of times to try and sell my book. If I had the money, I would take an ad in a professional psychology journal promoting my book. I still have to mail my editor her copy of the book, which I will do on Tuesday. Monday is Labor Day so post office is closed. I am still debating if I should send my book to be reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. I want to so bad but I don’t want to be criticized either. I have a lot of personal information. But they didn’t give me a lot of information to put in the book. “Just send two copies to this address” is all I have to go on. And I have the package all sealed up and ready to go. So if they needed me to sign the book or include my address in the book, too late for that. I just hope that I don’t have to be a current member because I let my membership expire. Dammit, the things I think of now.

My foot is killing me. The pain meds that I took earlier have had no effect on it. I am so tired of being in pain all the stinking time. I just want to chop my foot off right now. Sure it will be bloody and messy but I don’t be in pain, well not the type of pain I am experiencing right now. I think I will feel another type of pain but I am hoping that will go away with time. And if I happen to bleed out, so be it.

I am starting to get worried over a blogger friend of mine. She is having difficulty with her illness. I tried reaching out to her but got no response. She has been blogging saying that she what she is doing and I don’t like it. Even though she doesn’t know it, I think it is a form of self-harm. I just want to help her but if she doesn’t respond to me, that is kind of hard to do. I just hope she is sleeping off what she took and no harm comes to her. I will really miss her if she should die.

Perfectly made coffee, AHHHH

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Perfectly made coffee

Today I am at Starbucks again. I am only out of the house because I have an appt with my pdoc. Tomorrow I get to rest, if I am able to. I just plan on staying in and playing my game, to try and catch up on the missions. This is the third day in a row that I have been out of the house. And I am glad because the new guy at Starbucks made my coffee perfectly. I am in coffee heaven. Today’s coffee is from Hawaii called Ka’u. It’s delicious. And reading the cup, I realized why I didn’t get a half cup of it. I goofed and ordered a tall instead of a grande. OOPS. I still was able to make it a venti by putting cream in it. And a lot of ice.

I have been taking my blood pressure since I am on a new medication for that. And I still have high blood pressure. I am not sure what my PCP is going to do other than tell me to restrict salt and lose weight. The weight part is a given and unfortunately, while I was in the hospital, I gained a few pounds. Boredom will do that to anyone, especially when there is food around. My favorite thing to make was graham cracker cereal. I just broke up some graham crackers and poured milk on them. It was good. I plan on buying some crackers next week and making it at home.

I am nervous about meeting him though. I know I will have to tell him I just got discharged from the hospital, hence why I was on the BP med. I am just afraid that he will be giving me a two week supply of my pain meds to “test” me. That is, making sure that I am not going to overdose on them. He still doesn’t get that I don’t want to go out that way. I have more creative ways to die. I doubt I will be able to lose the pounds I gained in a week, unless I starve myself, which I don’t think is a good idea. I can cut down on my eating but then I get really hungry and if I go to sleep, I dream about food. Trouble is my mother hasn’t gone shopping because one of the main chains we go to is on strike. It’s so stupid. Two brothers are battling over the store chain. One brother fired the other, the good one, and thus, the strike ensued. The other grocery stores are too expensive for my mother (me too, but I shop there for convenience).

I finally solved the mystery of how people have been getting my blog email. I have it in one of my blog comments. Doh. It was curious because I have not given out my blog email to ANYONE so when I started getting a few emails, I was suspicious. But I totally forgot I had left my email in one of my blog comments for attempt survivors to contact me if they needed to talk. Now I got to figure out which blog it is so I can edit it so I don’t get spam.

I haven’t told my writing partner that I am planning on writing a coping book for attempt survivors. I think it will be a good use of my time. Though I have no idea how to write this thing. I am going to have to ask her for some help. I will have to bullet point some of it and I am not sure how the format is going to be once I do. I had problems with this with italics for my book.

I also have begun the process of editing a few of my blogs for my next book. It is a laborious task. I just edited one blog and though I was expecting it to be longer, it only took me a few minutes. 700 words are not that difficult to edit. I don’t have my list with me to edit the others. But I know I have to make this blog longer. I might add the pink pill part 2 blog to it so that it is one blog, or at least one story. If I had a brain today, I would have brought with me the legal pad that has the “Brick Wall” that I wrote while I was in the hospital. I could have typed that up while I am waiting for time to pass. I am such a shithead. Oh well, something to do when I get home today. I am including that story in the new book.

I just finished reading another CES (cauda equina syndrome) story in my CESSG mail. It is so sad that doctors don’t recognize the symptoms of CES right away. This poor guy waited a month before being seen by a neuro surgeon. Now he has permanent nerve damage. I feel horrified every time I hear a story like this.

Meeting with my pdoc went well. I was also nervous about it, which I am sure didn’t help my blood pressure. We talked about all that went on in the hospital. Told her about the anxiety attack that lead to a new bp med. I just took my bp and it is still high. I am worrying about this and I know I shouldn’t because it doesn’t help but I am. I told her how the case manager wanted me to stop my suicide research and stuff and my psychiatrist just shook her head. She knows how much the research means to me. It doesn’t trigger me like the CM thinks. I just want to die to end my pain and suffering, something that no one seems to understand other than my therapist and psychiatrist. I was asked point blank why I wanted to kill myself by this moron (CM). She just couldn’t understand why I wanted to end my life and I just shook my head like really? The past few weeks you have no clue? Everything that could possibly happen to me, happened to me while I was in the hospital. If I wasn’t in the hospital when it happened, I know I would have tried to kill myself. It’s just stupid and the hardest part was that I couldn’t educate these people in treating suicidal patients. They had their own ideas on how best to go about it (all wrong in my opinion as the re-admits will show). I really hope that I don’t get admitted again there. I really hated it because nothing was done to address my issues. They just were put aside every day and nothing was really done to actually help me deal or cope. That was left to the group leader or to the staff. It’s just mind boggling to me. The one place that you are supposed to get help, you don’t get it. Or you just get spurts of it. Just ridiculous!