Tag: coffee

grumpy today

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Still in a grumpy mood. My Pdoc has not called back yet and I don’t think she will. Today is Taylor’s birthday, which means in ten days, it will be mine. I am depressed and don’t know why. I restarted the trileptal, taking 300 mg at night and tomorrow I’ll start taking it in the morning and night. I hate doing this on my own but my doc trusts me and like I said she hasn’t called back yet or returned my email.

Got out of the house today to get some coffee. I am worried that if I didn’t I’d get a blood clot in my leg from inactivity. I’m drinking a Panama. It’s stronger than the Hawaiian and Blue Java I usually have. If I complete this writing project, I think I will buy the Hawaiian Ka’u rather than get my ring fixed.

My sisters have been asking me what I want for my birthday and Christmas. Every year for the past several, I have no idea. I had wanted the Nebraska and Ohio State hoodies but it doesn’t look like they will be getting me those. Other than that I really don’t know what I want except for my key lime cake, that I will be making.

I don’t know why I am so grumpy. I just woke up the other day like that and it has continued. I think it is because I haven’t been sleeping the past week. I woke up today with blurry vision in my left eye. It has now resolved. I can’t wait to see the neuro-opt guy next week. Next week is going to be busy because I see my pdoc Monday, therapist Tues and Wednesday, PCP Wednesday, and then the neuro-opt Thursday.

I changed all the ringtones for the different email accounts that I have. Now when one of them goes off I don’t know which account it is. Brilliant isn’t it? I am sure I will get used to the tone once more of them come in. I was tired of it all being the same ringtone. I never knew which account it was.

MG wants to renew tis writing project of ours. I am not sure I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong it has been fun and all but I just don’t know if I can write something every single day. I know I journal and all, but my blogging is different. I like that to have some meaning and lately I feel that it is just a picture of what my daily life is like than a specific topic or something else. I haven’t responded to her email yet; I just need time to think about it.

I just go dressed today, didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I have been meaning to at least brush my teeth but I just can’t muster enough energy to. I hate that everything I do takes so much out of me. I just want to die because there is no way I can handle being “old”.

I’m never getting a Panama again unless it’s iced. It tastes different hot. It’s making me nauseous but I don’t want another drink because the bus is on its way soon.

I had a bagel and candy bar for breakfast. That is all I have had the mood for eating today.

addmendum: Pdoc never called me back because she never got my page. I just got an email from her now.

Coffee Commentary

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders

I started writing again which is good for me. I have been compiling a paper that will incorporate psychological pain assessments (paper to be published soon!) and compare them with one another. It started off as a paper for a friend that needed to do research and has blossomed into something more now that she no longer needs my help.
I am excited about writing a paper again. I will try and not make it a novel but there are no promises. Sometimes I can get really wordy as most academicians do. I miss being in school and think that I will be able to get back to school maybe by next fall, as long as I don’t have another psychotic break between now and then. I can’t handle being psychotic and delusional thinking on top of my depression. I know lately I have been more psychotic than usual because songs have been playing in my head. I also know many people hear songs in their head but have you ever had the music stop playing and wonder why your headphones stopped working?? The music sounds like there are headphones in my ears but there isn’t! It is especially prominent when a song is stuck in my head. It plays for the entire day over and over and over like a broken radio. The only way to drown it out is to tune in to the radio or actually play my headphones. I guess you can say that the radio is talking to me even if it isn’t. Another symptom of being insane!
I have tried to get out of the house the past few days but I have been unsuccessful. Today was the first time in three days that I left the house. I have been becoming a hermit lately. I just don’t find the motivation to get my one cup of coffee. My mood has been so bleak that I just can’t be bothered to leave the house for an hour for the simple pleasure of coffee/espresso. But today I wanted a macchiato and because my drink is now a few years old, they gave me a black and white mocha instead of a macchiato. Two different tastes as the espresso is poured on the top with a macchiato and with a mocha, the espresso is on the bottom mixed with the syrup. It was still good just not what I expected. Tomorrow when I go out I will probably get an iced Hawaii Ka’u. This coffee is excellent. It takes some getting used to because it does have a weird aftertaste to it but other than that it is a very well bodied coffee with earthy tones to it.
My other favorite iced coffee is the Blue Java from Indonesia. It is by far my favorite and tomorrow I will be picking up an expensive 8 oz. I have to make this coffee at home as my Galapagos is dwindling. I still have my tribute that I have frozen and it will remain frozen as it is such an awesome coffee and they don’t make it anymore, like my Galapagos. These coffees are the Starbucks Reserve that are made specifically for the clover. I have been thinking about getting their new machine, Verissimo but then I really will not leave my house for coffee, or for anything other than doctor’s appointments or when I have to deal with my father.