Tag: college

Random 678

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.

I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.

One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.

Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.

I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.

I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.

I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.

I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.

All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.

school and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, writing

I’m at starbucks and I wish I brought my laptop. I thought I would see my coffee buddy but he isn’t here today.

I have stuff to read in my bad but I just don’t feel like reading it. But I do have my journal which occupies my time for now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I am just in that kind of mood.

It’s good that I got out of the house after being cooped up for two days because of my bowel situation. I think things have finally settled down some. Plus I really wanted to get a McDonald’s cheeseburger and Chicken Nuggets. But I had a delicious turkey sandwich instead with some BBQ chips. My coffee of the day is Blue Java and I am sad to learn that it is being phased out. I am going to miss this delight. My next trip will be the West Java (also from Indonesia) but iced. I tried it hot but it had an aftertaste I didn’t like. I wish they made these reserve coffees for the Keurig. But then I really would not leave the house.

I’m really disappointed that I can’t go to school because my LTD states that I can’t collect when I am collected SSD. No where was that stated to me. And SSD didn’t care that I was collecting. Now because I was collecting at the same time, I have to repay what I owe, which basically means nothing for me while I am in this loophole. I am so pissed and depressed. Now I have no extra money for school or for anything really. I just have to live on my SSD check. I hate being screwed. It’s like when I got the check from UMB. $3k and I spend it on bills and the following the semester they say oops sorry you weren’t supposed to get that money, just $800. UGH!!!! Next time I get big money I am not spending a dime from it. I’ll just keep it in my checking account until someone says that oops I over paid you and I will have it to hand back to them. I feel so fucked over its not funny. I still plan on taking that one class over the summer. NOTHING is going to stop me from taking this class. Even if it’s the last class I ever take at UMB, I want to take it. I just hope they let me register even though I am not a student there at this time. I might get readmitted but what would be the point. I can’t come up with a grand every semester. Unless I stop eating or stop taking my meds or something. I might have to look at another school that doesn’t cost so much. Right now I don’t want to think about losing my baccalaureate at UMB because I will just cry. I might just have to stand at a corner with a sign that says change for college. But then the state might have something to say about that and then I will be screwed for not declaring this “income”.

school worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis

Just got the notice that my state refund was redirected to the state university towards the money I owe. Now with the close to $900 I will pay off the entirety of what I owe and be free to hopefully enter class in the summer. Though I am a long way from actually going there right now. I just learned I got to get readmitted and it has to go through a review process. I know my transcripts hasn’t been great at the school, but working two jobs and going to school was tough. I was lucky to get a B or even a C. Though I have more W’s than I do actual grades. I also have a couple of incompletes that are now F’s so I know my GPA sucks right now. I feel really rotten as it is and summer is a long time away from now. I have until the middle of April to sign up for this class I want to take. I really, really want to take this class. It is the history of psychology and is only offered over the summer. It is a summer long course and is upper level. I will have my work cut out for me because it will also be my first online course. I’m now starting to chicken out. Plus it really won’t matter if I go through with my plans for the end of the week.

The typical worries I have is what if I don’t get accepted back? What am I going to do? I really want to go back to this university as it will suck to start over somewhere else. I know the professors in the psych department so know what it’s like. I won’t have that advantage at another school. Plus I can take my time this go round because I won’t be bothered with the demands of work. The hard part is going to be paying for it as loans are out of the question. I’ll have to save some money every month and be on a strict budget to go back.

The whole process is kind of freaking me out. If I don’t get accepted I have to go to another school. If I survive this week and don’t do what I want to do. Maybe school is too soon after this mental breakdown I have been experiencing. But then, the reason I left school was because I had a breakdown. I just couldn’t handle school and work and became psychotic. But now I will just have school to focus on. Maybe I will excel maybe I will just be as overwhelmed and it won’t happen like I plan. Nothing happens like I plan it to go. I will be a fool to say that everything goes right for me but it doesn’t.