Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

random 965

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 965

I didn’t do much of anything today. I barely left my room except to use the bathroom. Last night I brought up some protein bars so I have been eating that. Other than that, I haven’t really felt hungry. I am in a lot of pain.

Around two hours ago I texted my therapist to have a check in. I haven’t heard back, yet. We’ll see if she does, but I highly doubt it. She still has not given me a time to meet and I am losing my patience.

I still am in a bad mood and my friend that I am upset with is now saying she hasn’t done anything wrong. I could write a whole blog about how pissed I am about her but I won’t. I’m just not going to talk to her until I can be civil. I hate it when people say things like they shouldn’t feel this way or that because they have every damn right to feel what ever it is they are feeling.

My mother is fighting with the phone company. Apparently she cannot dial out one number on her phone so she is going to have them fix it. I have a feeling when the tech was here a couple weeks ago, he fucked something up. But what do I know.

I feel wicked cold because I haven’t slept. I took a couple of pain meds and Ativan and I still haven’t passed out. I want my pain to be gone! I am getting dangerously close to feeling like doing something. I don’t care what that something is if it will bring me relief.

The weather has not been helpful. Wind and rain has been bad. I think it finally stopped now. I don’t know what the fuck I did to my left hip but it’s killing me. I have been in bed all day and when I turned to move, it didn’t like it. I am not in a good mood.

bad mood most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood most of the day

I’ve been in a bad mood most of the day so I just decided to sleep it off. It didn’t help. I am still in a rotten mood. I had some messages when was awake. My therapist texted me saying she was in contact with my psychiatrist and that she will “try” to contact the therapist that I asked her to. She said she is still working on a time for us to meet. I don’t care at this point. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.

The friend that I was talking to in the early morning sent me a few messages. I ignored them. I don’t want to talk to her today. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. Just leave me the fuck alone.

I was half tempted to page my psychiatrist this morning to see what my therapist told her. I might email her. I don’t know if I can wait till Friday. But I don’t care right now. My therapist could go to hell right now. I just can’t deal.

I got to lie down again. I wrote enough for today.

an 0500 rambling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An 0500 rambling

About two hours ago, a friend sent me an PM (private message) on Facebook saying she couldn’t sleep because her mind was going. We chatted maybe for about twenty minutes and then nothing. Not one single message back. I got pissed off. She must have dozed off to sleep. Yay for her. I am still up two hours fucking later. My foot is still fucking hurting and my back pain has seemed to settled down though, can’t say for sure because I haven’t laid back down yet.

The tension in my neck is killing me. I have tried to rub it out or message it but I can’t do it for too long without my hands cramping up on me. It feels great afterwards so I know I am doing something right. But the tension relieved is short lived. I really need to see a message therapist to get the kinks out of my neck and shoulders. They sure as hell aren’t going to touch my back. I don’t fucking care. No one touches my back, not even me!

I wrote in my journal hoping it would make me sleepy. Yea right. About a half hour into it, I catch my second wind and that’s all folks, I am up all night. I took a Benadryl to see if that knocks my ass out. I had taken an Ativan a few minutes before my friend PM’d me but I’m still awake! I also took some more pain meds. Nothing is working tonight. Though it’s really morning. UGH. I feel like paging my psychiatrist and just yelling at her for something she hasn’t done. What that something is I am not sure. I put my phone on “do not disturb” mode so no one calls/texts/messages me. Well, they can, but I just won’t hear the notifications.

I’m sort of getting hungry as it’s been more than 12 hours since I last had something to eat. I ate the last protein bar in my room. I meant to bring a box up but forgot. I really don’t want to go downstairs as my foot will most likely have a fit and a half. Think when I get up later today, I will make my oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a very long time.

For some strange reason, I was thinking about my father and wanted to call him as I haven’t heard from him in a while. I was going to text my sister and then I remembered he’s dead. That hit me hard. This time last year we were going through his radiation treatments for his stupid cancer. That was fun for three weeks. Then his health went downhill the end of the month and he was dead near the end of April. It was terrible watching him deteriorate. I had become his health care proxy sometime in March. That was really fun, especially when he was in the nursing home and they needed me to fill out this and that every other damn day. Then when he was really sick and going to die, they needed me to change his DNR forms because it wasn’t “right”. UGH. More paperwork to sign.

I ordered my groceries for the next few weeks. I wanted steak so I ordered it. It’s been a while since I last had it. It’s tough to buy things when you are the only person that likes it. It would be fine if my mother liked steak but she doesn’t. So I just get the smallest piece/pound possible and get it. Tomorrow I start my diet so I basically bought the minimum stuff I would need. I know the Superbowl is going to be my cheat day. There is no way it’s can’t be as I would want chips and salsa and pizza that day. I won’t order out as I have pizza in my freezer. Red Baron is pretty good pizza. Not as good as fresh but close to it.

Football (American) Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Football (American) Sunday

I watched both playoff football games. On social media, I played like I was rooting for the Packers but I was really wanting Atlanta to win. My reverse psychology worked and Atlanta won. I really didn’t want to see Rodgers in another Superbowl. My Pats didn’t disappoint at all. They dominated the game against Big Ben and they lost by 19 points. HAHA. I posted that too often on Twitter. It kept kicking it out, saying it was a duplicate tweet. I was sad.

I had a rough night. I woke up at 3 am in pain and didn’t go back to sleep till around 6. I then had weird dreams and didn’t wake up till around 1300. When I went downstairs to use the bathroom, my mother said some stuff to me. I told her what happened and she was like, I get up 3-4 times in the night and can go back to sleep. I was like yea, you can also just close your eyes and sleep. I can’t. Idiot! She really pissed me off. I got through this with her every single time I sleep past noon or get up past noon. She just doesn’t understand what I go through during the night. She thinks that if I am in my room all day, I sleep. That is not true. I just don’t go downstairs because the fucking TV is so loud I would go ballistic on it. Most of the time I am on my laptop or reading or playing with my phone while I have the laptop open. I only nap if I wake up before 6 and can’t go back to sleep. Or I am up all fucking night in pain which she just doesn’t understand. I just want to scream at her fuck you but she would bop me off the head if I did that.

I watched both games in the kitchen as my mother had control of the living room TV. I stood through most of the games, sitting sparingly. Though when it was evident the Pats were in control, I sat down to watch. I am sure pain will start any minute now that I am on my bed resting. My back is still hurting from this morning. I again woke up on my back and it must have been a long time because it really hurt and felt swollen. I haven’t taken any pain meds aside from early this morning and last night. What really sucks is that my urine retention is bad. I only peed once and that was during halftime of the second game, so around 2000, nearly 7 hours after I had been up. I had been drinking soda and coffee so it wasn’t like I wasn’t drinking. I think the strong pain pill is messing with me. I drank water hoping to go one more time before bed. I still haven’t gone yet. I probably will at like 0300.

My mother also pissed me off because while I was watching the game, she wanted me to wash dishes because I was “doing nothing”. FUCK YOU and your dishes. I ended up doing them and taking a bath at the same time, in between games. I fucking hate washing dishes because I always!! Get wet. She gave me the pan that she made pea soup in and it took me a good while to get the damn shit out of the cover and the rim of the pan. She didn’t soak the pan like I do by filling it all the way up. Bitch. That really pissed me off.

During halftime of the Pats game, I took a quick shower. I really had to because I stunk. If felt good to shower and brush my teeth. Now I am ready for bed and hope I get to sleep. I had to take my meds a little later than I usually do because I was watching the game late. I didn’t fill my pill box so it took a little longer while I filled it. I hate filling it, even though it’s only about five minutes. I just have so many pills I need to take and that doesn’t include my PRNs. I also hate taking the pills because it’s like a meal that I take late at night. My stomach just gets so bloated after taking all of them. Just the price of wellness, I guess.