Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Long exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long exhausting day

I had the appointment with my father and he got admitted. He was peaceful after he had something to eat. He didn’t give us any trouble like he did on Monday. I did a lot of walking as I had to drop off paperwork to my PCP’s office. I am going to try and get her to sign off on me being disabled because I can’t seem to get the information I need from SSD, which to me is ridiculous.

My father was in one building where he was seen by his doc and where he was admitted was like 10 blocks away. I had to walk fast to keep up with the volunteer that was escorting my father to his room. My ankle is fucking killing me. I felt like I walked all over the hospital, which I did. Trouble is, with a bum ankle, things are harder. Then while walking with my sister to the train station, I got the dry heaves. Migraine hit me. I didn’t get dizzy but I got really nauseous and then when the conductor loudly spoke announcements, my head exploded. I was miserable on the ride home.

My sister wanted to eat out but I was broke and nauseous so food wasn’t an option. I told her I would eat a pop tart when I got home. Though at this point it might be a hot dog. But I got to wait till this damn headache is gone and I can walk without pain.

My psychiatrist emailed me today to see how things are going. I told her what was happening. I also asked the resident if he thought my father was in liver failure and he said no. I was relieved. I didn’t tell my psych this. I will when I talk to her next.

Walgreens app, text, and email keeps telling me I need refills. What is annoying is that it doesn’t fucking tell me what medication needs to be refilled! I appreciate the alerts but without knowing what medication it is, it just isn’t helpful! I know I need a bunch. I think I got most of my meds on the same schedule, which is good because until June, I have to pay copays for them. I can just pay for all of them at once rather than one here and there.

I got really mad at my mother this morning. She kept on calling me when I was trying to go back to sleep. She wanted me to call her out for her appointment. I was so annoyed. Then she kept on playing her dice game that just irritated me further. I hate noise in the morning. I am not a morning person. It’s bad enough that today is trash day so I have to listen to hydraulics for most of the morning but to hear die hitting a glass tabletop is just annoying. And she does this over and over and over.

I didn’t have any caffeine today. I think that might be a reason why I got a headache. Right now I am in a lot of pain. I don’t think I am going to make something to eat. My choices are slim and what I really want, I can’t get.

Felt like crap last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Felt like crap last night

Last night was rough for me. I was overtired. I kept thinking about what my therapist and psychiatrist were saying about my father. I couldn’t settle down because my ankle kept being a bitch. Every time I laid down and move it a little bit to get comfortable, it caused me so much pain. This happens every single night. I move it this way, it hurts. I move it that way, it hurts. I leave it still, it hurts. Because I was so overtired and doped up on my pain meds, I felt nauseous. The voices freaked out. They thought it was because of the Zoloft but I assured them it couldn’t be because the pill peaks in eight hours and it hadn’t been close to four yet. I took another Ativan so my thoughts could settle. I am so glad I didn’t have another espresso drink when I went to Starbucks before seeing my the new PCP. I would never have fallen asleep last night.

I got about 5 hours of sleep. But I am worried about today. My father has agreed to be admitted if they tell him he needs to be (which he does as his breathing sucks right now and he has pain all over). I don’t know if his lung is any worse that is making the breathing worse. He will need a chest x-ray to sort that out. Either way, today is going to be a long fucking day and I have had little sleep.

I woke up because I was roasting under the covers. I checked Twitter and there is a storm on its way. I didn’t look at the numbers because it’s supposed to happen Monday but could go out to sea still. There you have it. Weathermen at their bests, calling a storm that hasn’t arrived yet and freaking everyone out. We are going to be out of milk and bread for days. I, of course, have to be out of the house Monday. I have my pain management appointment.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. But it’s hard because I feel so awake. I know that if I do, I will feel like shit like I always do when I go back to sleep. I need to get as much rest as possible as today is going to be a long day.

Morpheus, Where are you??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Morpheus where are you??

My stomach ache is gone but my foot has exploded so I had to take strong pain pills to kill it. I really would have loved to shoot myself in the foot. Least the pain would be explainable. But I would probably take the gun to my head instead at this point. I am feeling really poorly because I can’t fucking sleep. I have taken my regular pain meds, Ativan, and now the strong pain meds and I am still fucking awake.

I looked over my finances and the money I got paid yesterday is gone. I have only a hundred dollars to my name, which will be half that after I pay for my prescription later today and my T pass. I shouldn’t have bought groceries but I needed food, even though I am not eating very much these days. I think I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite has been nothing. I have been eating just one meal a day and that has been it. I don’t feel hungry. And you would think that because of the weight loss, my pain would be less. NOPE. If anything, it has increased!! One physiatrist told me that even if I was my “normal” weight, I would still have back issues. Course, she didn’t say that in her notes. She said that I should lose weight. Talk about contradiction. If losing weight is supposed to decrease my pain, why does it increase it? Doesn’t make any fucking sense. My therapist would say I am the exception not the rule. I hate when she says that. She is reckless, like the new Martina McBride song. I can’t wait to get the lyrics because I think the song is perfect for our relationship. It’s not available on Amazon right now and I am pissed. I hate iTunes. It always crashes the computer.

I can’t take my pain anymore. I am going to go through with my plans this weekend. Fuck it. I am done. It probably won’t kill me but at least I will be seriously knocked out. I just need a fucking escape and I have it and I am going to use it. It is a done deal, for right now. I may still change my mind but I doubt it if this fire that is burning is still going on. I will text my therapist before I do it. Or maybe I won’t. Will be kind of stupid if I did.

It’s getting cool outside but it’s still hot in my room so I have the ceiling fan on. It’s a comfortable coolness in my room that I like. I will probably be cold in the morning but oh well. I am comfortable now. Why can’t I sleep then?? The meds have kicked in though now I am feeling nerve pain. I have found that I will have intense fucking physical pain and then when the opioids kick in, my foot/ankle will burn like it is on fire. Neurontin is the only thing that extinguishes these fires but I can’t take it now or I will be foggy brain later today and I need to be coherent because I have to see my “lovely” father.

When I saw him yesterday, he was speaking mostly Italian. My middle sister couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I don’t think she ever really grasped the language like I did when I was taking it in college and in high school. I may not know ALL that he says but I can get the gist of it, if he talks slow enough. If he talks fast, forget about it. I am lost. Maybe I should invest in the Rosetta Stone to learn Italian because he is going to be speaking it more as he ages. I think he thinks he is speaking English sometimes because when you tell him to speak English, he has a confused look on his face like “huh”?? And then he is silent because he is searching for the English translation to what he is saying. He will also talk slow like we are retarded or something. It’s very frustrating.

I am feel loads of pain in my left ankle down to my toes. The peroneal tendon must be inflamed because that’s what it feels like. I had a good pic of the tendon but I have no idea where it got saved to. The spasms that I had earlier before my foot exploded must have triggered the tendon. Fuck. I wish I could just cut the sucker out and be done with it. I am so sick of being in fucking pain.

Every morning a little after 0100, I get a text from the Twitter account of Dilbert. I love the comic strip. It makes me laugh. Very few things these days make me laugh but Dilbert does.

I feel like having ice cream now that my tummy feels better but the effects of the strong pain pills is starting to make me feel woozy. It funny because I will feel high for about 30 seconds and then I will just collapse. This happens to me almost every time I take it. It’s very rare that I am able to fight the effects of this medication. I hope Morpheus finds me and I can sleep. I just hope he doesn’t bring me dreams about Jobes again. Those are weird. Dreaming about a psychologist that I respect a great deal and then following him around like a puppy? No thanks, Morpheus.

The Oblivion I Need

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My laptop was used by my sister most of the afternoon so I wasn’t able to write at my regular time. I thought my mother was going to make chicken cutlets for supper and she made a fried rice dish, using all MY rice because she didn’t have hers. The dish was awful because she put garlic in with the rest of the soy sauce, onions, and peppers. It was salty because she used my garden vegetable rice rather than my Jasmine. I am not upset about the rice. I am just mad because I was looking forward to cutlets and didn’t get any.

The heat must be on 90 degrees to heat the house in this cold snap we are having. It’s 75 degrees in my room, much too warm for me so I have the ceiling fan going. It’s helping with air circulation and I am not as congested as I was. Soon as I feel cold, I will shut it off.

While my laptop was being used, I read some more of Harry Potter. I didn’t dissociate this time, which is good. I also read some more of “Night Falls Fast” and highlighted some more text. When I am done reading the book, I plan on writing out the highlighted parts in a notebook so I can possibly use them for quotes. I miss writing quotes on my blog.

I wasn’t feeling good this morning. I had woken up around 0630 in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took some pain meds. I slept for most of the day. The good news is the Neurontin I took last night took away some of the pain I was feeling in my left ankle/foot. The bad news was the pain I felt this morning was in my right leg. I think I might have done something to the calf muscle because when I was massaging it, I could feel knots in the muscle. I know it’s probably from overuse as it is my main support while walking.

I need to take a shower. I plan on taking it before bed. I got some frosting on my shirt when I was eating cake earlier today. I figure I need to change clothes anyways when I shower so might as well. I don’t want to but now I need to.

In the book, “Night Falls Fast”, Jamison described how feeling despair and hopeless can lead to a suicide and also that there might be a life changing event before it happens (divorce, job loss/unemployment, break up of a relationship, etc.) I thought about these things with my own thoughts of death, and none of that is true. Though when I lost work, I ended up back in the hospital. The social worker I was working with went over the risk factors for suicide and I had them all. I was unemployed, in financial crisis, and had no friends anymore. My discharge had already been set and I thought all these factors would hold me to more time in the hospital. Any caring person would have held me further, but nope, it didn’t happen. I was set free.

I have my plan in place. I have a date. I will seek the oblivion I need.