My manuscript was delivered earlier today, early enough that I could go out for my coffee. I had wanted to stay in today and just rest but I got restless. Now my ankle is screaming at me. I am stupid sometimes. I think I can just go through my routine of taking the bus and stuff when last night I woke up three thirty in the morning because of pain and then fell back to sleep at six. I woke up around ten-thirty. So I had broken sleep and pain to warn me not to go out today.
I didn’t know what to do with the manuscript so I just punched holes in it so I could place it in a binder. I took one look at it and got overwhelmed. But then I am getting overwhelmed with everything lately. I think I just got to stick with my blog as that is what makes me happy. I don’t know about this other project my friend has cooked up. I want to help her out and stuff but I think me working on my book and then her project is too much for me. And her piece is just as emotionally exhausting because it centers around my suicidality over the last few months.
I was in the middle of an email to her today as I was coming home when this guy who I can tell has mental issues just came up with me and started a conversation with me about clothing and buying t-shirts at Walgreens because they were cheaper than elsewhere. I was like ok. Then he kept on going on and on and I was like dude, I need to finish this. I had my headphones back in my ears, was looking down at my phone, and this guy was still trying to have a conversation with me. Shit. He was harmless and stuff but he kept on getting closer to me, invading my personal space with every new conversation so that is when I told him I had to finish the email…which by then I totally forgot what my train of thoughts were. That pissed me off. I hate it when someone interrupts me when I am writing. Even my phone decides to interrupt me soon as I open Word. It will be quiet the whole time I am on Facebook but soon as Word is open, texts and emails start coming in and I am like WTF. So now I just turn off the sound while I am working.
Speaking of working, my niece wanted to me to watch Cinderella with her but I had to get what I wrote up in Starbucks in a word document before I totally got exhausted and doped up on my pain meds. I knew the time it takes for the pain to get jacked up and I would have to take something is limited so wanted to get it done before I was in Dopey Land. When I told her I couldn’t because I had work to do, she yelled out, “you have a job”?? I told her yes, I do. I didn’t tell her what, as technically I don’t but I am sick of just saying that I am disabled. And I am a writer now so might as well use that title. But my mother was sitting right next to her and when my niece screamed out those words, my mother heard it, then asked me to clarify. I was like, oh shit! Now what do I say?? I can’t fib to my mother. So I just said that I had to type and made the typing motion with my fingers. No one knows what I do during the day. And it is not like I am getting paid to write my blog or my book or help my friend with her projects. They don’t know how many journals I have filled since being out of work. But my niece struck a cord with me, like I should be working but I am not. And it hurts. I still am dealing with the grief of not working and there goes my eight year old niece stating the obvious. I just feel like a loser.
I have to send my baby (laptop) back to Dell because of the high pitched noise. It is totally deafening my senses when it goes off and literally drives me berserk. It’s not too noticeable when I am playing music but when I am not, holy crap is it loud. And I can only hear it in my left ear because my right has high pitch deafness. The buzzing in my brain goes away when I block my left ear. I might have to use my older laptop until I send this one away but the thing weighs more than this one and gets hot after a while. I am just afraid that I might throw my back out while shuffling it around my bed.
I still have been under the blue moon. As I was walking home, I got struck with this heavy sadness that just froze my chest. It felt like this huge weight was on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I swear the black clouds are still following me around and I am starting to feel hopeless that they will ever go away again. I know it is that time of the year that I always get more depressed than my usual. It always starts mid-September and won’t relent until sometime in February. I call it baseball depressive disorder because it always co-insides with the end of baseball season and doesn’t relent until spring training. I just hate feeling this way because even though I know it will pass, I just don’t think it will. I start getting wicked hopeless and as that deepens, my sadness just gets worse. Then the suicidal feelings increase and by December I am wondering why I am continue to live when I promised myself it was all going to be over with. I might do it, just because. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I hate feeling trapped into living because of others. It is no way to live. But yet I continue my existence because of others, because that is the type of person I am. And I hate myself for it. I really do.
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