Tag: depression

Grief is a Process

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Grief is a process

I am reminded of the words said in the movie “Analyze That” where the psychiatrist who lost his father says that grief is a process.

I found out today that my father does not have long to live. They have given him a week tops. He is severely dehydrated. I would be surprised if he lives longer than the next 7 days. I found out this information right before my psychiatrist appointment. I spent most of the time there crying and trying to hold back tears. I was so grief stricken.

My phone kept going off because I forgot to shut it off before the appointment like I usually do. I was just out of sorts today. I haven’t told my sisters yet. I really don’t know what to tell them because we know he is going to die. We have hospice tomorrow so I think that will hopefully sink in a little more for them than it does me.

Been listening to Pearl Jam since I left my appointment with my psych. It’s the only music I want to listen to when I am upset. I feel numb since being told about my father. He is on comfort measures only, which I want him to be. I have to change the orders because I had given them permission to go to the hospital for fluids. That was when I thought he would be recovering and be sent home. Now things have changed, drastically.

My therapist asked me a stupid question today. She asked if I remembered what my father was like when I was between the ages of 1-5. Like seriously? Who has those memories? I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone what happened to me when I was 5. I know the voices started when I was 5, but other than that, I don’t remember much.

It’s warm outside today but the house is cold as anything. I had to wear my thermal socks as my feet are wicked cold. I’m also in a long sleeved t-shirt. I am so tired. I have been up since 0600. It wasn’t planned as I had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to go back to sleep because my alarm was set to go off in 45 min. I have been calling family members which has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. But grief is a process and dealing with family members and their support means so much. I feel like a burden has been lifted and that it’s not a secret anymore.

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.

A difficult day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just got off the phone with my therapist and now I am feeling really suicidal. My pain went up a few notches just before we got off the phone so I think that is why the urges creeped up. We spent the session talking about going into the hospital and the reasons for it. Frankly, I think her anxiety was more than enough to convince me that I need to be in the hospital. Question is when. I suppose I can go in after the meeting with the nursing home people. I will just have them call me because it is a short meeting and I don’t want to lug my backpack there and then lug it back to the hospital where I will be admitted.

I got my menses today, which totally sucks. I am glad I am not in the hospital this week because having your menses while in just sucks. I rather be at home dealing with this. I just found out that my father is doing worse. His kidneys are failing. Social worker called and wants us to be in the care of hospice. So that lady just called me after I got off the phone with my sister to tell her what is going on. It’s like boom boom boom. I am so stressed out and sad.

My mother wanted to know what kind of pasta I wanted for supper. I am not hungry at all. I had breakfast but no lunch. I just want to sleep. The depression is just getting worse and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says that I have been dangling off a cliff for more than a month now. But with the new information about my father, I really can’t make a decision to be in the hospital. I could never forgive myself if he died while I was there.

Now it’s the time for calling my cousins and letting them know their uncle is going to pass. This is going to be the toughest phone call I will have to make.

Longest Day Ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Longest Day Ever

My sister wanted to see my father by T so I went along with her because I haven’t seen him in a few days. I also wanted to be there to see if I could see the social worker and the accounts person to ask questions about my father’s stay. The regular social worker was on vacation so I met with his covering one. She was nice and gave me the information that I needed. She also gave me the number for his doctor who I have to call to find out about his prognosis and other medical issues he is having.

My father didn’t look good. He was barely able to speak he was so weak. We were able to get him in a wheelchair and bring him outside for a little bit. He was really tired afterwards. My sister and I decided to catch the bus back home and that is when the longest day started. We waited over an hour for the bus. I was standing most of the way. My leg is killing me and so are my feet. We then decided to walk toward Mass Ave to catch the bus. That turned into a forty-five minute drive. I was so tired that I tried to sleep most of the way. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.

After we reached home, we had to go to the wake. I was already dressed up for it though I thought I would have time to change into a plain white T-shirt instead of my Cauda Equina one. Nope, no time. Had to rush to the funeral home. It was sad. There was even more standing at the home because the guy was young and there were a lot of people at the wake. No sitting for me. My leg already was hurting and I wish I brought some pain pills. By the end of the wake, I wished I was the one in the casket and my friend’s husband was alive.