Tag: depression

not a better day in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t write a blog yesterday. So I thought I would try and write two today. I was in a daze yesterday and it had nothing to do with drugs. I just was extremely tired so I slept all day. All I had to eat was some scrambled eggs that I made around three in the afternoon. Today I made the same thing. Seems I have moved away from making an egg sandwich to scrambled eggs.

Today I have been up since five. I have been trying to go back to sleep but have failed. I don’t have anything to do today except to pick up my sister’s car when it’s done at the mechanic’s shop. I supposed I will have to pick her up for work as well.

I had therapy today. I really just want to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another early day as I have an appointment with my father again. I have to take him for testing. All this month, I have to take him to one appointment or another. I am just exhausted.

The other night I wrote about theories on suicide because I couldn’t sleep. I still have to type it up. Maybe if I do, it can be my second blog for the day. But I am not sure it is done. I have to work on it some more. But the big thing is typing it out. I have it handwritten right now. Much good that will do me to blog about.

I still am trapped in the depression. I don’t know what I was doing yesterday, I think I was getting dressed, and my clothes just felt so heavy to pick up. This is getting ridiculous to have ordinary things that I have picked up a thousand times, all of sudden feel heavy. How can a T-shirt weigh so much?? A thousand, sure, but one?? I just don’t get it. And my brain hurts today to think. I got up early because my sister wanted me to be up but I got the hours mixed up. I was supposed to be at her house at 730 not 630. DOH. So I had to wait an hour for her to get ready and stuff. I got to see my little niece (she is 9 but she is still my baby). I haven’t seen her all week because I just been cooped away in my room. We usually watch one of her TV shows together. But lately I haven’t been in the mood to go down the stairs. It bothers my foot sometimes and I just need to rest it. Yesterday was the same thing. I checked the mail because I am waiting for something from my friend in Canada and by the time I made the two flights back to my room, my ankle exploded. I couldn’t deal with the rest of the day so I just took my pain meds and went to sleep. I didn’t take my night time meds last night. I woke up at midnight and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I just went back to sleep. I don’t know why my right hip is bothering me today. If I didn’t have to pick up my sister, I would be taking some pain meds to relieve it.

I still have my menses. It is making me feel gross and I think I am internalizing that feeling. Even after a shower, I still feel disgusting. Something I didn’t discuss in therapy today. I actually didn’t say much today. Having three sessions in a row wears you out. All I wanted to do was go back under the covers and sleep. Which I have yet to do. I have gone back under but sleep has been eluding me. It came so easy yesterday. I think the stress of having to deal with my father the day before just wiped me out. I have to deal with him again tomorrow. I have the afternoon free, I hope. Maybe I won’t go back to bed and I will go to Starbucks and write. I don’t know. All depends on my mood.

I still feel like black clouds are following me. I have no answers to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I haven’t been taking the increase in medication because I have been driving. I could have taken my dose today had my sister told me before now that she is being picked up by her husband and I don’t need to pick her up. Just wasted two hours waiting for the call for the car and I was waiting for nothing. But I can take my pain medication if I need to. I haven’t been going up and down the stairs today. I only been going down, if I absolutely need to. It’s helped to stay off my feet. I just hope that the pain stays away tonight. I would like a pain free night if I am going to be up early again tomorrow to take my sister to work.

beyond Exasperated

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had an early morning today because my father had a doc appointment. It went ok, though my father had no clue what was going on and didn’t understand what the doc was saying. I had to explain it to him in smaller words.

While I was at the doc’s office, I had to use the bathroom. I found out, much to my dismay, that I sharted. Now I am in a very dark mood. I came home, washed up, and while making my way to my room, my ankle exploded. So in addition to losing my dignity, I am now in wicked bad physical pain. I took some pain medication and am calling it a day.

I wrote my therapist a letter that I had hoped to mail today but forget it now. I wrote her an excerpt of the blog I wrote last night. I felt she had the right to know what I wrote. I also added some things to it. I also texted her to try and have her call me. I really need to talk to her because I don’t think I can be ok till our next appointed time. I don’t know if she will call me or not. Some times she is able to and others she is not. I really am hoping someone cancels one of her appointments and I am able to get their time. A session would help me today. I could call my psych but I know she will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to go. Besides, I don’t have a car and with my ankle the way it is, I can’t walk there. I just feel stuck.

Since the shart episode, I feel like I can’t trust myself. I am afraid to do anything that will cause my bowels to move. I hate feeling like an asshole. I know it isn’t my fault but the hardest part of dealing with CES is losing the ability to trust your own body. It’s gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The sensitive nerves are damaged and there is no getting these nerves back. I can’t feel myself and haven’t for the past eight years now. It’s the little things like this that bother me the most. And what is worse, is that I have no control over it when it happens. There are no warning signs. Just soiled underwear and skid marks. Luckily today I was wearing a feminine product because of my menses so my underwear didn’t get soiled. And that is the other thing that is frustrating me. That I am having to use feminine products because of my menses. I am beyond exasperated. I should not have to wear them but what choice do I have? It’s either that or really soil my underwear. I am just so frustrated by this. And no one understands, except another CES sufferer.

Why am I dealing with this? I should just be dead. To me that is the answer that I am looking for. I am tired of constantly dealing with a body that isn’t working anymore. I am tired of dealing with depression that makes my soul dark, that sucks the energy out of me. And that also goes for my body excretions as well. You have no idea how tiring it is to have a bowel movement sometimes. I feel like I am in labor. I sometimes am so weak afterwards that I need to rest. All because I can no move my movements because of the nerve damage. I literally have to push and push to get it all out. It is a very tiring process. And if this grosses you out, well, I am sorry. Every time this happens I want to kill myself. I just don’t think I can go on living this way. It’s just too much for me to bear. I am past my breaking point, well past it! I am so far from the edge that I still haven’t realized I am on standing on nothing. Yet gravity hasn’t knocked me down yet to kill me. Or maybe I am just falling in slow motion. I refuse to grab on to anything that might save me. I just am not good enough to go living anymore.

Suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

It’s finally a nice day, at least seventy degrees out. It is making it warm in the house. I am watching the Sox game. I had spent the afternoon with my sisters for Mother’s day and then retreated back upstairs. I am still feeling really tired, even though I had a good sleep last night.

I had a rough night. I was in severe pain. It was not unbearable but it was more annoying me than anything because it was the third night in the row that I have had to deal with this pain. I texted my therapist because I was feeling really suicidal about it. I just didn’t want to deal with the pain at all but what choice did I have? I couldn’t chop my foot off as much as I would have liked or downed my pain medication like I was thinking about. I guess I am lucky that my pain medication has Tylenol in it because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t care. But I don’t want to lose my liver and die that way. Plus I probably would never be on any pain medication ever again if I did OD on my meds. That is something that I take more serious and I don’t want to lose that ability.

Dealing with my menses have just made dealing with pain that much more intolerable. I just am very grumpy and the slightest thing annoys me. I just can’t seem to tolerate things I used to tolerate, my annoying pain included.

Little things such as my pain can set off suicidal thinking. It is extremely hard to pull back when you are annoyed. I am trying to better identify this and to seek help so that I won’t make an attempt on my life again. In the ideal world, most therapists would like clients to call someone when they are on the brink. But rarely does this happen because of hopelessness. You just think that no one would understand what you are going through. I once texted a crisis line that I was thinking of overdosing on my medication. Instead of dealing with the idea of overdosing, they decided that I should talk to a nurse to see if it was safe to take another dose. HUH??? I have all but given up on calling for help when I need it.

Sleepy Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been sleeping on and off all day. I think the increase in my mood stabilizer is causing me to feel really tired. Only thing that I have done today is go pick up my prescription. I am planning on taking a much needed shower but haven’t worked up enough energy yet. Funny how I don’t do anything and I run out of spoons so quick.

I still have been procrastinating this paper that is floating around in my head. The reason why I have been putting it off is because I know it is not going to be a long paper. It might be a page or a little more, if I stretch it out. I know I am going to write more about what I know than what I don’t.

Today was pretty warm and we are currently having thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms. I used to walk in them when I was able to walk. I miss walking in the rain. I really miss walking. People take it for granted until they have an injury. I have a permanent injury and I doubt I ever will be able to walk more than a few blocks when I used to be able to walk miles.

I really hate being this tired. I know part of it is the depression. I even lost interest of being on the computer. I go on but I don’t do anything. I scroll on FB but I hardly click on my game rewards. My neighbors are not doing the same missions as I am. I have gotten so behind because I really just play once a day. Some days I don’t even do that. I have lost interest in so many things. I hardly read the books that I have started. I tried going back to “Far From The Tree” but it doesn’t hold my interest for long. I think if I am still this way in June, I’ll go to the hospital like my psychiatrist wants. Maybe it will snap me out of this funk.

The first openly gay player in football has been drafted by the Rams. I wonder how that is going to go. One of my friends from high school predicted he would be 254 and he was really selected as 249.

One of my favorite players from the Nebraska Huskers got picked to the NY Jets. Too bad he is playing for a sucky team. He is such a good player.