Tag: disability

Meh Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a meh day. I had wanted to do some stuff today before going out but that never happened. So I decided to stay in. I was so sleepy after my therapy session. I rested a couple of hours. My phone kept going off though so I really couldn’t get into a deep sleep. My cousin called to say my mother had bags but I didn’t answer it. Hell, I wasn’t going to risk a flare up of pain because he refused to go up the stairs. It wouldn’t hurt him. It would hurt me.

I then get two ‘unavailable’ phone calls. The 1st didn’t leave a message. The second call did. It was strange. It said that I was being taken to court, but couldn’t give the reason, and they would sign the documents required. Whole thing was fishy. Normally, collections don’t leave messages like that. Hell, even lawyers don’t leave messages like that! I haven’t received anything in the mail the last few weeks telling me I am being taken to court. Sure I owe money, who doesn’t. But it would be nice to know who is taking me to fucking court! Damn jerks. And besides, there has been no summons in my mailbox telling me I have to be in court. They didn’t identify themselves in the call so I am just going to ignore it.

I have been so sleepy today that I didn’t make coffee. I haven’t done nothing I was going to do today. Though, I still might take a shower tonight. So much for editing my book. I know it will get done. It’s only 42 pages. It’s not overwhelming me, yet. Once it does, I will hire an editor. I was going to hire the same one but she never answered my question about time frames so I don’t think I am going back to her. I became friends with her on FB and all she writes is that she is “busting her butt with all this work”. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s tiring. Last time I tried working with her, it took 4 months after my last payment to her to work on my book.

I had therapy. I wish it went well, but it didn’t. She kept on going off about my sister interfering with my telling my mother about my TG issues and how I want to be named. I told my therapist, I wasn’t going to pursue the matter. And half way through session, I just wanted to get off the phone with her. I don’t even want to talk to her tomorrow, but it’s too late to cancel. I usually like talking with my therapist but sometimes I get into these moods where I don’t want to talk at all, to anyone. My therapist calls it the “fuck its”. She also wants to know my psychiatrist’s input on what I have been sending her. I really don’t care and its not like she (pdoc) is going to tell me. If she wants to find out, why doesn’t she call her? I don’t understand why I have to be the middle man. I don’t see my pdoc until next week anyways. I could be in a worse mood by then.

I have been following a bipolar Twitter account. It asks questions about how to manage certain symptoms of bipolar and the like. I was reading I think yesterday how one person wrote 50,000 words in one night because s/he was manic. I’m lucky to write a thousand in one of my extreme moods. If I get going, I can easily write at least two thousand, but I have never written more than an hour or two, and certainly, not all night. Some people go by pages. My writing partner does that. I don’t know how many words are in those pages but she gets them done. I have to try and start putting myself on a schedule if I want this book to happen. But it’s so hard to write when you are not in the mood and can’t think of anything to say. My blogs are easier because it’s just a telling of how my day went, my online journal. Sure when I am piped up on something, my writing goes on and on, but for the most part, I try to keep it within three pages. Only my papers on suicide are longer than that.

Sox are winning so far at the bottom of the 7th inning. Last night they lost again. I can’t say that I was disappointed. I expected them to lose. If you expect a loss, you can’t be disappointed, right?

Ramblings 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I got my exercise for the day today. I went up two flights of stairs four times. Surprisingly, I wasn’t out of breath by the fourth go round. I was a little bit but not hugely like I was before. It’s so weird that some days I am out of breath climbing one flight and other days I am fine. So weird.

I have been debating sending out my book to my former therapist. I am very scared that it might come back as return to sender. I know the fear is irrational, we ended on good terms and even had a conversation after we ended that was good. I was again looking for a therapist so called her for a referral. She had switched to child psychiatry so wasn’t available. I guess my fear of rejection is still alive and kicking.

Last night, I was in mega pain and couldn’t go to sleep right away. I just didn’t know what to do to calm things down. The pain kept changing, from burning to pounding, to feeling like someone was pounding me with a hammer on all my toe bones, to intense throbbing. Plus my foot was swollen, which didn’t help the pain. I always notice worsening pain when my foot swells up. So I started working on my book. I didn’t write anything new, I just put things all in one document and then sort of formatted the paragraphs and stuff. I got it to 43 pages. I plan on printing it out so I can edit it. The first 20 or so pages are edited but it doesn’t hurt to go over it again. I am slowly having a book formed. And this time, I can print it out on my printer rather than sending it to Staples. I have to say that the cartridge that they sent with the printer is pretty good. I was expecting less than 20 pages but I have had more use out of it. I did buy a cartridge just in case it didn’t hold out. It’s sitting in my office collecting dust. I know I will be using it soon. I don’t think the current cartridge will be able to print 43 pages.

I mailed out my rebate for my phone today. Now I just have to wait eight weeks to get my $50 card. I found a new feature on my phone: blocking. I haven’t used it yet but it might come in handy when I want to sleep and my phone keeps going off with text messages or emails. It really sucks there is no baseball tonight, well, Sox baseball anyway. Since the closing of my game, I have been really bored trying to fill my time. I can only write or read so much. I know that I have a hamper with stuff that I should probably go through and maybe use it for its intended purpose rather than as storage for other things. I haven’t read Dostoevsky in the past few days. My brain just hasn’t wanted to read the dynamic between Aglaia and Myshkin.

I need to take a shower tonight. I was going to take one before going out but time got away from me and the next thing I knew it was time to leave for the bus. I went to Starbucks today but I didn’t write. I really wanted to sleep. I had my mocha, which I don’t think they made right. You are supposed to have 3 shots of espresso in a venti and I think I just got two. I told them my name and they spelled it wrong. It was a new person so didn’t know my name. How can you get a letter of the alphabet wrong?? I don’t know why they put your name your drink anyways. I know its probably so no one takes your drink if you happen to order the same one as a customer before or after you. It’s just annoying that my name is simple and they get it wrong. Maybe I should just go by Mike and there won’t be a problem. Apparently my initials are too hard.

I did write another suicide ramblings again last night. I was trying to stay on topic but it was really difficult. My attention span only lasts for so long and then I get off tangent. My ankle is killing me and I have just been home for less than an hour. This isn’t good. It’s not even the evening time when my pain is at its worse. It’s still the early evening, like 1545. I guess all those stairs are now having their consequences. I really don’t want to take my meds this early because I will be sleeping and it will mess my already screwed up schedule. I guess I won’t be taking that shower I really need. I won’t be able to stand long enough to take it. Being disabled sucks.

TG Issues 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Had therapy today. She wasn’t as talkative today as she was yesterday. We talked about the self help book that I bought about shame and perfectionism. She asked if it had to do with trauma and I said I don’t know, I just started reading it! It is very dense so it is going to take me a while to read. Dense books I have to read in spurts or my brain gets fuzzy. We also talked about the letter that I wrote her but I had already sealed it up for mailing so couldn’t get her specifics. I know most of it is about my cousin and what he did to me. Still sickens me every time I think about it and makes me feel ashamed of myself, so maybe this new book might help with that. I also told her I found a former therapist’s address online. I only looked her up to send her my book. I think she will be proud that I wrote a book, even though the content is a little disturbing. But she is in the book so I hope she will understand.

I had sent my therapist a pic of my stupid goatee, which I will be trimming tonight when I take a shower. It’s grown past its tolerable length. She likes it on me. I like it too, but think it’s stupid because I have a space in between. A real man would just have it continuous. She said testosterone would fill it in. I am thinking about taking testosterone supplements. I might run it past my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I didn’t tell my therapist these thoughts because she is not a doctor. I figure I might bypass the whole having to go to a doctor for T. With my pituitary problem, it should be that hard to produce more T, which is why I can grow a goatee to begin with. We also talked a little about Jenner. There is no way you cannot talk about her as she is in the news big time! What angers me is that people are saying she is “heroic”. There is nothing “heroic” about coming out as TG. It’s a hard process. It is courageous and brave, especially to go public like she has, but not “heroic”. It’s like Chaz, Cher’s son. He came out and was in the lime light for a while and then went back to being under the radar. Same will happen with Jenner, eventually.

I wish I could come out like Jenner. I am envious, but then she has the money to do the changes and I don’t. I don’t even know if it is covered under my insurance. Course, I have to go forward to find out. The biggest thing for me is to get rid of my damn breasts. I hate looking at them, I hate the way they feel on me, and I hate that they are asymmetrical. It just really makes me hate myself because it only reinforces what I am not, just like my menses.

I went off on my mother today for the first time ever. She wanted me to do the dishes but I wanted to write. She then called me lazy. I don’t know what the hell the big deal was. It wasn’t like the sink was overflowing with dishes. Just pissed me off and I said that it hurt me to be called lazy. She then asked, You aren’t lazy? in her sarcastic voice. I got wicked angry. Now she is calling me because dinner is ready. I swear she doesn’t take my writing seriously. Course, with my book published, I really haven’t made that much money, which is all she really cares about. I really hate living with an unsupportive parent but I have no choice. I can’t live on my own because it just costs too much and I can’t work like I used to because I am disabled. It just really sucks.

bored to tears

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tonight my mother will be making fish. I saw the heads and tails were still on them. I won’t be eating that tonight, because ewww. I know that is how they come but her having to dissect them just freaks me out. And it is tilapia, which I don’t particularly like anyways. It’s a very thin fish that just doesn’t taste very good after it’s been thawed out. I’d rather have cod or haddock.

I have been pretty bored today. And my foot is a jerk. Just when I wanted to take a shower to go out, it starts hurting really bad. All I did was move it a little bit and it explodes in pain. I had to wait for pain meds to calm it down some so I could shower. By the time I was done showering, my hip went on strike. I give up. I guess I am not going to go to Walgreens to see if they have the new Oreos S’Mores cookies. I will try again tomorrow.

I was looking for a photo mailer to mail a pic for a friend. I have been meaning to send it to him and I just came across it. I failed to find it, which is why I wanted to go to Walgreens, too. I need a couple of mailers as I have some stuff to send out. Why must pain always dictate what I do? It totally sucks. And seeing that I am incapacitated, I decided to write a review for a research article I came across while looking for the mailer. I must have at least three copies, if not more, of this article. I thought it was a good idea but then the pain meds turned my brain to mush. Now I can barely write this blog. I am kind of blunted in my thinking patterns. It also doesn’t help that my vision seems to be impaired. I have been having a hard time focusing today for some reason. I really think it is because I have been solely using single vision lenses for the past month and not my progressive glasses. I can’t wait till next week when I can order them. I really hope that they can make the lenses out of the existing frames that I have. I really don’t want to buy another set of frames. I have too many old pairs of glasses laying around my room. I am also hoping that if the glasses don’t cost me that much, I can get a new phone. My phone keeps acting up and it’s pissing me off. Yesterday my therapist was calling and it took four rings for the stupid call answer button to come on. I am just glad it didn’t go to voicemail by then. Usually the call answer button comes on before the number even registers but this time it was the reverse. I am so done with this phone. And if I can’t use it as a fricken phone, what is the point of it?? My therapist was kind of in distress last night. She doesn’t know what she did, but she erased all my text messages that I sent her. She was literally panicking when we were talking about it. I kept telling her it was ok, that I am sure it’s there but hidden some how. After we talked, I sent her a text of my latest short story. She said it was the only text from me. OOPS. I think she needs another phone, too, but that will give her super anxiety. I find it funny and I do laugh. She is just so anti-technology, I just don’t get it. I mean, I use my phone for emails, texts, Twitter, Facebook, and the main thing, a phone. She just uses it for texts and phone.

I am going to write the review for that article. It will be another blog post and I will share it with my therapist friends on Twitter. I haven’t written a review in some time and it will give me something to do. I have written about this article in other papers that I have written, but never solely on this material.

I thought about editing the blog I wrote the other day but didn’t. It just seems like I don’t have the brain power to get my thoughts coherent enough to put on paper. And it’s very hard to write when you have a foot that explodes just because it feels like it. Also sucks when you stand up and your hip decides to go wonky. I hate being in pain all the time, every single fucking day. It just takes so much out of me and I end up doing nothing. Then I am bored to tears. I just want to give up. Just take my life and end things so that I won’t be suffering anymore. Because me not even being able to write because my brain turns to mush due to the medications I have to take to control my pain, just sucks.