Tag: disability

writing and cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I kept on having bad dreams and waking up every couple of hours. I woke up feeling hungover from lack of sleep. I needed coffee so I set out to Starbucks soon as I got up as the bus would be coming soon. I had my Carmel Macchiato with four shots. I didn’t drink it all because the espresso settled and it was really bitter. I drank as much as I could while working on the nomenclature paper. I think I have bit off more than I can chew with this one. It is hard to describe the terms without actually quoting from the paper I am getting it from so I had to quote a lot. I tried to use my language as much as possible but the terms were difficult to describe as they were so outlandish. I have four pages to type up. I just hope I can read my handwriting or it’s going to be difficult.

I sent my therapist the rant I made about this part 2 paper. I think she read it because it has a couple of hits on my blog today. I might include some of that rant into this paper because it might stress the aggravation of dealing with terms that are useless. I kind of feel bad that for about ten years, these authors have been mulling around these terms and their concluding terms just didn’t hold water to a lit candle. The terms were so confusing, it really is no surprise they didn’t take hold. All in an effort to “simplify” things.

I got a thing for my former work place about my pension. I don’t know what it means. It was just another policy revision update thingy they send every year. I threw it in the recycle bin. I am keeping the pension as “cash” so that the stock market doesn’t lose my savings. I worked hard for this pension, fourteen years of labor went into it and I will be damned to lose it because of a bad investment on the part of people I don’t know. If I had the money, I would buy stocks in Starbucks and a couple of pharmaceutical companies. Then I would just put the money in a CD or something and call it a day. But I am on disability and don’t think I can do these things. I would love to roll it over to my personal IRA account but I don’t know how to do that. So I am just letting the money accrue interest where it is sitting.

After I finished writing this terminology paper, I decided to leave Starbucks. I just missed the bus so decided to walk down the street to catch the one going away from the Square. I thought I could handle it as I was feeling okay but halfway down, my calves started to flare up and so did my ankle. There was a bench that was about 500 feet from me so I walked slowly towards it and then sat down for a few minutes to walk another 300 feet to the bus stop. I am hurting big time now. I am glad I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I am going to need a day of rest. I think part of the reason I got so tired was because I didn’t eat anything. I had a cheese Danish while I was at Starbucks but I didn’t have breakfast or lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. It’s almost 1600 and I still am not feeling really hungry. I plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I have been craving one for the past few days but haven’t made it. I want my mother to make it because I usually end up burning it. I suck at cooking things that have no specific directions. If it has a recipe, I am usually good with it. I used to make a good chicken dish that was from Campbells. All you needed was the stuff that came in the box, fresh chicken breast and boom, you had dinner in a half hour. I used to make it for my coworkers as my mother didn’t like it and it was way too much for one person. Those were the days when I had time to cook and could do so without pain. Now I am lucky to take a 10 minute shower or make scrambled eggs when I want. I don’t wash the dishes, only because my mother has her own ritual as to how they are to be done and put in the dishwasher. I have my way, she has hers. I will only wash my pans and dishes if she isn’t around.

bad day turned good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

I had planned on going out today but my damn nerve injury is preventing it from happening. The Harry Potter books that I have ordered are on their way to being delivered. So I might as well stay home even though I want to go out. In a way it’s my fault the nerve injury is acting up today. I took too much stuff to relieve my constipation and now I am paying the price with loose stools.

I didn’t think nothing of the gas that I passed. Except the second one I knew that it wasn’t air. And when I got to the bathroom, I found out I shit my pants. I am in a really bad mood. I also feel dizzy for some reason. I am probably dehydrated from the runs. I just started drinking some powerade. I think I need to keep my fluids up because I feel weak as well. I have been having loose stool over the last several days, but today is the worse of it. I didn’t go to the bathroom on Saturday so I thought I was backed up. I guessed wrong. I am always in a sour mood when I shit my pants. I just want to go back to sleep and start the day over again.

I really wanted to get a coffee at Starbucks today, just to get out. I really have not left the house all weekend. Only time I left the house it was to go to Stop and Shop for my prescription and groceries, which only took about fifteen minutes to do (I am a fast shopper, get in and get out!) I only needed a few items and the check out line was quick. But because I can’t trust my bowels, I can’t leave the house and I don’t think coffee will be a good idea anyways. I bought my burgers so I might have that for lunch. I am still debating because I feel so weak.

I checked for mail and my Harry Potter books came!! I got so much reading to do!! And I am going to enjoy it! I love HP! I have been salivating over these books since I ordered them. It is kind of weird that I ordered my BP monitor first and the books came before the monitor did. I don’t care. I get to read the entire collection and I tend to get pretty engaged in the book. JK Rowling is a terrific writer! Better than I will ever be. She suffered from depression, too. Her life has not been an easy one. Did you know that HP got rejected like 55 times?? How is that for persevering. I will probably be done with the Chamber of Secrets before the BP monitor comes. HEHEHE. I am happy. I just hope my mood stays up, or at least this level while I enjoy reading my books! I will put aside the suicide research stuff for now. That makes me happy, too. But not as happy as HP, Hermione, and Ron.

The research stuff that I printed out over the weekend has to do with suicide and rumination. I will read it in between breaks from HP. I guess it’s good that my bowels were upset today because now I can just stay at home and read.

Pain O’Clock Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain O’clock Continues

I woke up again in pain so my plans for going to the bank and the Square went out the window. This time, my pain meds knocked me out and when I woke up from my nap, it was too late to go. I really wanted to get a burrito today, too. But my ankle is killing me, still. It’s not as bad as it was on Friday but I am still miserable. I haven’t eaten too much today because it’s wicked hot and humid today. My mother will be making chicken cutlets for supper, which is good because I haven’t had any protein other than the egg I had this morning. And that was some time ago.

I have to leave the house by eight tomorrow morning. I hope I get up. I will have to set my alarm just in case. I can’t rely on getting up before seven because I never know when I will wake up anymore. I went to bed late last night, around 2ish so I slept till eight. Six hours is good enough. I am reading “Game of Thrones” and Harry Potter. Talk about contrast between the books. I am enjoying Harry Potter more because I know what to expect. I am a huge Potter fan and have read each book at least three times. I know JK Rowling, the author, is coming out with a new book, but it will only be available online. It’s too bad because I can’t read from a computer screen for long. I can read Twitter but eventually that bores me and there is no updates. I never read an online book before. I am sure it will be good. Maybe I can print it off.

Since I didn’t leave my house, I didn’t go to the post office like I hoped to. I have an article I am sending to a staff member at the hospital I was in last year. She is interested in CAMS and found an article related to CAMS and inpatient units. I know she won’t have much pull about implementing CAMS as the unit is DBT oriented, but this just gives fruit for thought. I also gave her an update about how things were going. I told her I am trying to stay out of the hospital as things are going so well. I didn’t go into anymore detail.

Marsha Linehan was at the NAMICon2015. I had two friends attend her talk. One was on Facebook and the other was on Twitter. The Twitter friend was more informative about it because he lived tweeted the entire session. It was a good talk. The important lesson was that you can use the skills and it doesn’t have to be a trained person to teach you, i.e., a therapist. There are some self-help DBT skills that you can find online that are useful in the management of suicide ideation and other self-harm behaviors. It was interesting that even substance abuse use was listed as disorder helped by DBT. So if you know someone with a substance abuse disorder, PLEASE tell them about DBT. It might helped them recover better than NA, AA, alone.

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist but she didn’t have an opening today. I really could have used a session. The pain is driving me nuts and I am almost ready to go to the ER because I am doing so poorly. I just don’t know if I should go to the medical ER or psych to talk with someone. Thing is, they wouldn’t understand chronic pain, so I will be stuck and feel more frustrated than I already do. Maybe I should just email my psychiatrist and ask her opinion on what I should do. I could just page her, but I don’t want to worry her. I am just in the throws of another pain flare and it’s wearing me out. I really wanted to go out today. Tomorrow I have to go out whether I like it or not. I have the appointment with the physiatrist. I hope he can help me because if not, I am done. It will be over. I am tired of struggling with pain all the time. Pain O’clock must end!

Friday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

Friday Musings

I had my appointment with my pdoc today. She was very concerned about me and asked if she should put me in the hospital. I told her no. She then asked if there is a way for her to know that I am safe so that she doesn’t get concerned about Hyde’s writing, like using a code word or something. I told her probably not because most of the time, I am dissociating so am not aware of what I am writing. I brought everything out in the open, the date I planned on dying, etc. I was expecting her to call security but she didn’t. She is keeping a closer eye on me.

Here is my favorite actor talking about mental illness and depression and how he got through it. It made me cry.

Today, history was made with the legalization of gay marriage in ALL 50 states. I didn’t think it was going to go through. I seriously had my doubts. But the ruling stands and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So if people want to burn themselves, divorce, whatever, do through with it and see if I care! I can legally marry someone in my state (I could anyway but it wasn’t legal/recognized in others). I should be happy but the depression is making me sad. I have been sad all day, even upon hearing the news. I am still suicidal but I can’t kill myself. I am wicked frustrated over this. I don’t know what gets me through these episodes.

I saw some Twitter friends tonight. We talked for a few hours about lots of things, but especially about suicide as that is where we all met, the SPSM (Suicide Prevention SoMe) chat. It was nice sitting and talking about things.

I am beyond exhausted between leaving the house this morning to see my pdoc and then coming home, having lunch, then going back out again to meet up with my friends. Tomorrow I might be hurting big time but it was worth it.