Tag: disability

I don’t know what happened

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t know what happened

I took a big dose of Nyquil to calm my cough down and get some sleep from the allergies that have been plaguing me all day. Within an hour or so, I got a buzzed feeling and decided to sleep. Nope…not happening. I then got an itching for ice cream and had some. Well, that was stupid of me. Now I really can’t sleep and my ankle is sore as hell for going up and down the stairs.

I don’t know where all this energy is coming from. I am not high per se, but I am somewhere in between. My Sox are losing and I should be paying attention to the game rather than writing this blog, but I have no interest in the Indians. I am in a writing mood and that almost never happens. SO I am going to write…

I was listening to a song earlier about “got a little drunk last night” by the Eli Young Band. It got me thinking about my ex. I know I have not talked about her on here because it just is too painful. She was my first love and at this point, I think she will be my only love. But she has a lot of issues. More issues than you can shake a stick at. I won’t get into them but mainly her health is what scares me the most. She recently re-friended me on Facebook and then after an IM session blocked me. I have no idea what I said that caused that to happen. We were talking about how to get to a hospital that is very difficult to get to when you are not used to the surrounding areas. I was trying to get her to use public transportation as that would be easier than driving and poof, she was gone. Her medical issues are getting worse and I just can’t handle it. I know she is going to die sooner than I would because she most likely will go on dialysis for her kidney issues. She has diabetes to boot. And MS. And that is what I know of. She has psych issues too, which is probably why she went and blocked me. I feel bad about her blocking me. I thought this time around we might be friends without the benefits sort of. But now, it is not going to happen because she blocked my ass. I never had anyone block me before, least not that I know of anyway. I miss talking with her. And I guess that was the bottom line. But oh well. Se la vie. She is out of my life, probably for good this time around. It’s her loss.

I do miss having someone in my life that I can talk to. Someone to go out with and hang with. But at the same time, I am glad I don’t because I don’t need the stress of a relationship right now. I can barely keep myself together. My aunt just IM’d me. Said she wants to talk with me. Great. And I know it has to do with my book. I don’t know if I can handle talking about my book with someone. I know she is my aunt, but we aren’t that close, close. She suffers from depression too. Maybe that is what she wants to talk about. I just don’t want to cry in front of her. That would not be good.

I went shopping after everything I did today. BAD IDEA. My fricken foot is not happy with me right now. It’s swollen and it hurts. It is very angry with me. And I am angry with myself. I knew that walking around the grocery store was going to trigger another flare up but I needed my flame retardant Powerade as I only had one bottle left. I spent more than I should have as I went a little crazy. The baked beans were on sale. I love baked beans. My mother told me to buy two, and I bought four. Then I had to buy bread and ice cream. I really didn’t need the ice cream but wanted to have it. I just had some, in case you were wondering. A late night snack. I really want to make a cheeseburger but I will tomorrow. I am in no condition to operate a stove. I still feel buzzed out from the Nyquil.

I am going to ask my therapist what the hell are the objects Freudians talk about in their literature. It is bugging the crap out of me. I just hope I remember to ask her. Because unless you know what the hell they are talking about, the sentences make no sense!!

This week’s AAS post was about coming out as an attempt survivor and then getting fired because of it. It is discrimination just like I was discriminated against because of my mobility issues. But getting back to the article, I think it was an eye opener. Now I feel that anyone that reads my book is going to know my deep darkness and it might cost me a job or two or three. Leave aside my debt issues, and what do I have to show for the last two years? Writing this blog and a book about my struggles with mental illness. I am lucky I am on disability because I really don’t think I can hold a job anymore than I can stand more than twenty minutes in one place. I want to be a barista but I don’t think I can stand to be on my feet for eight hours. Course, working at a place where you can screw up a double skinny no whip latte can be challenging and then having to make it again because it is “cold”, might piss me off. I vowed after working for a place for three years that went out of business, that I would not go back to retail. But I like customer service. I like interacting with people. It is the one thing that I miss most about not working is the isolation it brings. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet. Sure I have family but if you look at my call list, you will not see that many calls from friends where there used to be many. I hardly go over my limit of 450 minutes anymore because most of my calls are mobile to mobile. The only person to call me from a landline is my mother, usually. My father will also call from a landline. And the most they will talk to me is a minute or two. Boring.

I don’t know why I am getting pain in my “good” leg. Started with zaps in my heel and ankle and now I am getting pain in my calf. I think something is wrong with my back. I haven’t been getting back pain but for me to be having pain down my leg, it has to be coming from the back. And that scares me. I don’t want another surgery. I don’t even want to see another neurosurgeon for the rest of my life. I will kill myself if I have to have another back operation to repair my disc. I will have to have a fusion and I just don’t want to because that will mean permanent disability. Not saying I can work now but there is a chance I might find office work as a receptionist or something but that will go down the tubes if my back is gone and fused. I will lose whatever mobility I have and I just can’t risk that. I rather be dead.

blog about book and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My sister had a BBQ today. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to stuff my face and then leave. I wasn’t feeling very social. I told my father he has a doc appointment tomorrow so I didn’t have to call him. He called me anyway tonight to find out what time he had to leave his house. Bugger. I also have to deal with him on Wednesday. I would rather have back to back sessions with my therapist than deal with my father’s appointments.

I have been in a low mood all day. I slept after I ate and just woke up in time to take my night meds. I don’t feel rested. But I do feel restless. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what. I don’t feel much like reading, though I probably should as the books keep getting higher instead of lower. I am reading a book on the Myths of suicide. It’s an interesting book. But it stirs too much feeling up for me that I have to read it in spurts.

The other books that I am reading is on the civil war, experiences of depression, and Far from the tree. I also seem to read multiple books at the same time. I can never decide which one to read or what will suit my mood. I am also reading a book about blunders in history. That is a book that I read on my travels. I mostly read that when I am on the train.

Tomorrow I am going to have to pay for my coffee. I can’t use my Starbucks card because there are no funds on it and it would be stupid to add three dollars on to it. I found a new coffee, Brezza. It is so good. I hope it lasts throughout the summer.

Despite today being a holiday, my therapist was in the office so we had a session. A useless session. I just felt like we were talking with an elephant in the room but ignoring the elephant. Though I don’t really know what the elephant was standing for. We went over the Experiences book but she doesn’t remember a lot about it as it has been years since she last read about Blatt. She wants me to skip some chapters and just focus on the anaclitic depression and interjection of depression but I can’t do that. I HAVE to read a book from start to finish. I know some people can mix up the chapters and just read what they want to read but I feel like you miss something if you do that. Course, when I was reading Dostoevsky, I found his writing to be able to pass on and others you cannot. His writing is similar to mine, though definitely not in depth. He will start writing about a couple of things and then go off on tangents. I find that some of my blogs go the same way. I do miss reading his works. Maybe after I finish one of my books, I will re-read the Idiot, a book I read in college.

Still not feeling any suicidal inclinations. It is so weird not being suicidal after you have been suicidal for so long. I am by no means saying I am better. I still have horrible depressions and psychotic episodes. I just don’t feel like killing myself all the time. Maybe that is the elephant in the room today. I wanted to talk about my non-suicidal feelings and my therapist didn’t really give me a chance to do so. I hate when that happens. She was more focus on how I was going to deal with my father the next few days. He can make me feel so small and also cause me to drink. I am not an alcoholic but only drink when all my buttons have been pushed by him. It’s either drink or do something destructive.

I should email the AAS editor and see when my blog is next going to be posted. It has been more than a month and I still have not heard anything. Maybe they don’t want my story any more but it would be nice to be told that.

finding care in the off hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Last night I was in the throws of pain again. But my thoughts didn’t immediately turn to darkness Like they normally do. I wrote an email to my pdoc about what has transpired during the week and that I haven’t been faithful in taking the increase in my mood stabilizer for reasons beyond my control. Mostly because I have been driving and I don’t want to be drowsy behind the wheel. I also asked her if there was a hotline number she knew of to call in times of distress. She gave me one.

This all lead me to thinking maybe I should have a blog about this important issue…finding care during the off hours. For most people in therapy, when they are in distress after hours their and before their next session is to seek help in the local ER. This can be costly, as copays have more than doubled to deter such visits. But for mental health, there should be an exception made as there is really no other place to go while in distress. I understand that the cost is higher because care is more urgent and is most likely is trying to ward off unnecessary visits. But when you are in crisis, how can that be unnecessary? For the mental health field, there are no urgent care centers to go to in distress. It’s either you see your therapist or go to the ER (Emergency room). There is no in between. SO what are you supposed to do when you are somewhat distressed and cannot wait till your next visit with your therapist?

There are self-soothing measures. You take a bath/shower, read, journal, brush your hair for 100 strokes, eat something, etc. But when all is said and done, and you still feel terrible, then what? Most therapists have some kind of plan in place, or should be able to give you a hotline number such as Lifeline 1800-273-8255 (US only) or the national hotline number 1800-784-2433 (US only). I have tried calling the Lifeline hotline but have never been patient enough to wait to get transferred to someone. The other number I have not tried. There is also a text # 20121 and you text 121help. I don’t know where I got that number from but when I tried it the other day, it didn’t work. I never got connected to anyone, but that might be because of the hour.

There are chat groups, I am told, where you can discuss suicidal feelings and not be “punished/banned” or turned away. Unfortunately, I do not have that URL to share as I have not looked into that chat room. But when you are in distress, are you really going to google something??

There is something called a Crisis Response Plan that I sometimes use when I am in distress. UNfortnately, the last few times I have been in distress, all of the self-help went out the window and I didn’t use anything. I just ruminated about what I was going to do. It’s not perfect trying to save your life when you feel like ending it. I was not in the frame of mind to seek help.

Therapists think that a suicidal person always calls for help when in crisis and that simply is not true. Most clients become impulsive, wants to get rid of the negative feelings NOW and are in my experience, not likely to reach for help.

For me, writing has helped but not everyone has that option to them. I will blog my distress and might be fortunate to have a few bloggers comment to show support or to chat. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Most of the it’s hit or miss. My frequent blog readers might not be online at the time of my post and so not get it.

Sunday I participated in a chat that was for crisis intervention and I learned that there was a crisis text chat available. The intervention was either through chat or text message. I am going to looking into using this the next time I am in distress or when my mood goes south. It’s not always easy to think of these thing when your mind is thinking of ending your life. To use a DBT term, you just cannot tolerate the distress because it is unbearable.

I have been trying to identify when I am in distress so that I can reach out for help but it’s not so easy. The last few time I have used distraction or music to help me out of the intolerable feelings. I also will write in my blog or my journal but it seems like all bets are off if I am in intolerable physical pain. Chronic pain mixed in with getting my menses and dealing with it has been difficult this past two weeks. The waiting for pain medication to kick in is sometimes not fast enough to deal with mentally.

I wish there was some help I could have regarding physical pain and lethality but there are few pain specialists that deal with mental health issues and fewer still, psychologists that deal with pain issues. Even crisis help lines don’t know hot to deal with physical pain that is behind suicidal ideation. In a perfect world, you would like to see someone that is well rounded in chronic health issues and suicidality. Unfortunately, I don’t think they exist or they may just be too far and in between to help the greater good.

When I was being evaluated at my local pain clinic, I saw a pain psychologist. His job was to help me deal with pain. But he didn’t offer me an real advise the first time meeting him. I would have to set up a series of sessions with him but unfortunately this happened when I lost my car and he is too far out to see. If I saw him with public transportation, it would be a two hour commute, both ways.

The hardest part of being alone with your thoughts is that you are left to your own devices before the next session or when office hours are available. I wish there could be urgent care centers that are specific to mental health issues. Because not all crisis needs to result in a hospitalization. Sometimes just talking with an understanding person is the best treatment mental health professionals can provide.

human barometer

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had a long day. Woke up early, didn’t eat anything most of the day and then got a migraine. Been on and off gagging so should have known to take my migraine pill with me but sometimes it just turns out to be post nasal drip. I never know when I am going to have a migraine.

I feel a little bit better now that I had something to eat and taken my meds. But I feel wicked wiped out. Guess I will be going to bed early tonight as there is no way I can stay up late after being up at fricken six.

I feel really poorly. Like someone popped the balloon I was in. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it is just because I am over tired. I am so glad I no longer work. Because if I had to do a shift, I think I would cry. I am hurting in all kinds of ways. I almost started bawling while watching the old TV show Emergency. I don’t know why. But I caught myself.

I got my second proof today and I do NOT like it. I should have kept things the way they were with proof one. But it’s ok, long as some jerk doesn’t criticize me for my formatting faults. Course, I am my own worse critic.

I sold my first ten copies today. Four more came in and I am very happy about that so I don’t understand why I am so blue. I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. I also tried getting an appt with my pdoc. But she hasn’t answered my email. I will give her till tomorrow to answer and then I will send another. She is bound to answer one of them. Though, if she is in email jail, it might take her a while to get back to me. I am so glad I don’t have to worry about email jail anymore. I used to be in it so often, it would drive me crazy. At least once a week, usually on a Saturday when we had downtime, I would clean out my inbox to make room for new stuff.

But that was when I was working. Now, with my private email, I don’t have to worry about being in jail.

I completed the paperwork that my long term disability required, sealed the envelope, and then realized I skipped a section I was supposed to fill out. FUCK. I wanted to go back to it but I really just wanted to stuff the envelope and be done with it. It has been sitting in my “inbox” for at least a week already. Luckily, because I have not gotten paid anything from my book sales, I don’t have to declare it. And it’s not a salary with a W2 form so I don’t think I do have to declare it. Not that it is much right now. I have made less than hundred dollars. LOL My book is a hit! NOT. I hope one day it will be, but maybe the first one doesn’t sell well and the second will.

I already started working on my second book. Yea, I know I said I wasn’t ready for it but I am BORED. I have NOTHING to do with my time, except for going to Starbucks to journal. And that takes only three to four hours out of my day. I need something to do other than scroll through Facebook every ten minutes.

It’s really windy today. I nearly lost my baseball cap at least once today. But the weather was beautiful, otherwise. My back is aching because it was like 40 yesterday and now it’s 70. I HATE these extremes because it just causes me so much pain. But I am the human barometer when it comes to the weather. And it sucks.