Tag: dissociation

Sometimes good things happen at 2 AM

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sometimes good things happen at 2 A.M.

Last night I was having a hell of a time sleeping. I was in pain but it was bearable. I was more restless than in pain. Then I got overtired, which is never good for me because I tend to dissociate and write bad things. But this time, I wrote a blog that was well received by all involved, though I barely remember writing it. I just remember saying to myself, I have to get to at least 850 words. I did and a little more for a cushion. I then sent it off to every Tom, Dick, and Harry I could think of that would like it, including my therapist and psychiatrist.

When I had therapy today, that was all she wanted to talk about. The blog was amazing to her. She wants me to get it published somewhere. Where, I have no clue. She wanted to know how I could write that good. I told her it was 2 in the morning and that is typically when I do my best writing. I don’t know what it is about that hour, but things come together and click. I told her it was another dissociative writing because I was in and out of consciousness while writing it. I was so damn tired and just wanted to sleep but couldn’t because I needed 850 words. I read it this morning and it was pretty good. I feel proud of myself for writing it.

All we talked about in therapy was what I wrote about in the blog. If she had a psychache scale handy, she would have made me fill one out. I wasn’t up for that. I could barely feel psychache or perturbation or press. I was feeling sleepy and I just wanted to get espresso at Starbucks along with something pumpkin. Or maybe get a burrito. We did talk about my death date and she wanted to know what it was but I wouldn’t tell her. She is hopeful that I will take it off the table. I am still ambivalent about the date, myself. There are some things that I want to do before I die in the next few weeks.

I asked her if she liked pumpkin and she said she did. I told her I was planning on making pumpkin goodies. Now I can pawn on her half the cake I am planning to make so it won’t go to waste. I feel good about this. I can also hand off some cupcakes, too. That is if I find the recipe for them. If I don’t, I am sure I can get one off the internet. I just hope we have hot water by then. Apparently, my brother-in-law is waiting for a part to come in from his work in order to fix our heater. Why the hell he can’t get it from Home Depot is a mystery to me.

I felt therapy went a little better than yesterday’s session. I talked a little bit more than she did. She wishes that I could sleep before midnight so I wouldn’t have the overtired dissociative writing episodes but then, my good writing wouldn’t come of it. She half ordered me to go to bed before midnight. I laughed because I have tried many times to sleep before midnight and usually I don’t succeed. Sometimes I do, but it is rare. It all depends on my pain levels and lately, they haven’t been good to me.

Difficult therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Difficult therapy session

I had sent my therapist the “Hyde here” blog that I wrote the other night. We ended up talking a lot about my “parts”, mainly Jack and Hyde. She wanted to know more about what brought Hyde out and I told her I was exhausted but felt the need to write. Hyde always comes out when I am in that state. Jack has been elusive. He only seems to come out if I am angry at my therapist or something she says triggers him. I don’t know too much about him but I think today I figured out that he has been a part of me longer than I thought. I think he has been a part of me since my teen years when I was cutting. There was a dissociative episode I had when I was 17. I had started cutting and spaced out. As I was telling her this, I could feel Jack saying it was him. It is possible. A lot of anger and pain was expressed in all the cuts I was doing over the years.

She was trying to engage the parts but I can’t call them up on command. She said that it was important to talk about this. I had texted her before our session I didn’t want to talk about my father at all. I felt like we had spent enough time talking about him on Tuesday. But she brought him up anyways. I was vulnerable and something triggered me crying. So I spent the last few minutes of session crying because I couldn’t stop. I had gotten angry at one point and that almost always leads to a crying spell. But I was crying tears of sadness because I know my father isn’t going to be around much longer, if things progress the way they do. I never had a good relationship with him because he is a liar and an abusive one at that.

We also talked about my suicidality a little bit. Hyde is tied to my suicidality. He wants to die and so do I. But I have been failing at it because of my therapist. She wanted to know when he was formed and I have no idea. He is a part of me that comes out when I am extremely exhausted, usually doped up on meds, and am fighting sleep yet have the urge to write. I also feel slightly suicidal when he makes an appearance. He has been quiet a lot lately because I haven’t been so suicidal for whatever reason. The psychache has been relieved. I don’t feel as much psychological pain lately as I did in the past. I think it’s due to increasing my mood stabilizer. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad and depressed at times.

My therapist stirred a bunch of stuff up for me today. I found it very exhausting. I am glad I don’t have to talk to her till Tuesday. I was thinking about writing my recovery from self harm but I don’t think I will do that today. It’s just too triggering for me and I don’t want Jack to come out. My therapist called him like a bodyguard. Maybe he is. I don’t know. He is elusive and only came out at least twice since “finding” him. My therapist brought up the woman I can’t stand as she had told her that my “parts” need a voice or they will kill me. As whacky as this woman is, I think she might be right about this one. It makes sense. But I won’t tell my therapist that.

Morning musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I had a long morning. I kept on waking up from 0430 on till my alarm went off at 0630. I didn’t want to get up but I had to if I wanted coffee and breakfast before picking my father up. His appointment went well. I then scuttled off to my therapist’s office/town. It took me a good hour to get there as I hit every red light from one town to the next. I was traveling the back roads rather than the highway. Once I got to my Starbucks, I tried to edit but my brain was dead. I saw the words but it wasn’t holding my attention. I was too tired from the early morning awakenings and the drive out there. So I just pulled out my journal and wrote. I wrote about how I had to end a friendship because she kept on choosing bad habits and I was tired of seeing her hurt. She wanted someone else to save her but wouldn’t do anything to save herself. At least meet me half way but then she did what she intended to do that last night and I had to cut her off. She is just too toxic and I can’t be part of her injuring herself. I tried my best to help her but she is just too far away from me. I talked about it in therapy. I really didn’t want to, but it came up. My therapist is glad that made a “wise” decision but it still hurts me. I hate losing friends that are troubled. But I guess you can’t save them all if they can’t help themselves. I thought I could but I can’t. I just am not strong enough I guess.

We also talked about my upcoming date. She was pretty anxious about being here for a week and then leaving me to my own devices. With the stuff going on with my friend, I kind of forgot my own troubles for a bit. But leave it to my therapist to bring it up again. We talked about Hyde and how he comes about, or not. We haven’t pinned down exactly what triggers him. I could be writing something grand and then he will come in and write something awful. I have no way of knowing. It’s making me scared to write anything for fear of the white coats being called on me. My therapist asked if one of the journals I had bought was for Hyde. Hell no. He isn’t going to be in a nice journal. He will be in a composition notebook. But the things is, as well as that sounds, there is no guarantee he will use it. He might just use a word doc or email someone in the dead of night. I have warned people that if they should get a message from me late at night to just delete it or ignore it. Trouble is, they have not done so. The best I can describe when Hyde takes over is that I am in a dreamlike state. I am vaguely aware of what is going on. I have intense feelings of pain, anguish, and despair. And I have an agitation to write something, anything, to express these “bad” feelings. I don’t know where Hyde came from. He is a part of me, I know that. But just like cutting is to my friend, so is Hyde to my writing. I have just swapped out cutting for writing and it’s with poison ink! Some day I know I might be hospitalized again for my words. And I am going to have no recollection of this happening. It’s like I stepped out, Hyde takes over, and I write. I am not malicious, except to describe how terrible I feel. My psych wants code words and my therapist wants a notebook. How am I going to satisfy both when I have no idea what is happening until the next morning. Because soon after my/his words are exhausted, I fall into a restful slumber and wake up thinking it was a dream. I am safe as far as I know. Hyde has never taken lethal action against me. I think the writing wears him out and then he is too tired to act on the feelings he is writing about. Either that, or the cocktail of meds that I take finally give in and puts him/me out. But what brings on Hyde remains a mystery, least for now.

Meeting with my Pdoc

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Meeting with my Pdoc

I found out that my doc wanted to really know what had happened last week. I had emailed her to let her know that I had a dissociative episode and the next thing I know she wants to meet with me. I initially had an appointment with her on Friday but she moved it up to today. I was surprised that my email generated such concern, but then it is not usual for me to have these dissociative episodes. I told her everything that I had told my therapist this past week about it. She kept on calling the new person Hyde, and I had to correct her that it wasn’t Hyde, but another person. I gave a description of what went on, before I fell asleep that night. I still remember in detail about what went on because I was in somewhat control. It was just scary to me because the person inside me was so angry.

She, like my therapist, had no explanation for me. She knows that I am not DID but I do dissociate. The thing was, as I told her, the alter was familiar. I know I have felt him before but this was before I knew about dissociation and the like. I also told her that I was under heavy narcotics and she thinks that instead of me hallucinating, I dissociated. But if that were the case, this would happen more often as I do take these meds frequently. I have to, to keep my pain levels from driving me to suicide. She knows I need my pain medication. I still think that low blood sugar contributed more than just taking my meds.

Before we concluded, she asked me if I wanted to do the mock interview for her 1st year medical students. I said sure and she specifically wants me to talk about Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). That is not a problem. I have talked about it before and I can certainly talk about it again. My brace should be sufficient cause to raise an eyebrow or two. The only thing that sucks is that I have to be interviewed by the same older woman as last year. She intimidated me and kept my answers short. I couldn’t elaborate because I felt like she lost interest in what I was saying a few sentences into the answers to her question. It was like I should only be saying yes or no to her questions, which is not possible when you are trying to teach medical students about something as complex as CES.

As we were talking about Hyde, she asked me if I read the book. I told her I didn’t and so she recommend that I read it. I got a free download of it on Kindle. I will read it after I make some progress with my Civil War book. I have so many books that I am in the middle of that I hate to start a new one. She considered me calling the new “he” Jekyll. I wouldn’t mind that.

She asked me what I wanted to be called. I said GC. She asked why I didn’t go for Alex, I said it didn’t fit for me and I tried Mike for a year. GC just seems like a good name to choose and she agreed.