Tag: hopelessness

out of spoons, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today I am supposed to meet up with a childhood friend. I have known this person since middle school, we lost touch after high school, then worked together in the lab at the local hospital. We became better friends while working together.

I got up earlier than I usually do today. My niece had some excitement this morning and startled me awake and I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I showered and got dressed, brushed my teeth. Now I feel like I could go back to sleep. Most of my spoons have been used up. I am hungry but I don’t know what I really want for breakfast yet. I still am debating going back to sleep to recharge myself.

I am feeling out of sorts today and not sure I know why. I had a good sleep before I was rudely awakened. I found a composition book for my therapist to write in while she is gone. I thought of writing in there before here but I don’t really feel like writing twice. I am feeling kind of depressed. My Sox lost last night and the stinking Rays won. Now they are three games behind us instead of four.

I really need to do something with my time. I am failing at cleaning my car to get some money for it. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me. I guess I just can’t do it because that will mean losing the car for good. And I don’t like it. I kind of fell in love with the car but I didn’t take good care of it. I should have replaced the struts when I was supposed to but it cost a lot of money. And it was either pay off this bill or fix the car. I never have been good at budgeting money. In fact, I down right SUCK at it. But I guess with me just getting paid one time a month, I am learning. As long as I have money for my Starbucks (which is the highest priority), I don’t really care for much else. I have been living off cereal this week. I wanted to make some eggs but it seems too much of an effort. I guess I am too lazy to make an egg sandwich. But there are a lot of effort to go through to make the sandwich. Stuff that usually came easy for me are now difficult because the depression is rearing its ugly head. I find that making the egg, though seemingly easy is hard for me to do. I can’t stand long enough to watch it on the stove and then to prepare the round thingy to make the egg round for an English muffin, to use a spatula to turn it over. I just get overwhelmed. I don’t know why that is. I have like anxiety or something all of a sudden. I don’t like scrambled eggs any more. I haven’t been successful in making them in a long time. I can easily make an egg sunny side up but it gets boring after a while. I rather just stick with cereal. Pour the cereal, pour milk, and you are done. And one dish and spoon to wash.

Just came home from meeting with my former lab mates. It was a good outing and though I had a LOT of coffee, I am tired now. I am completely out of spoons. I don’t think I will be catching the Sox game tonight. I might listen to it on the radio in a little bit but right now I just want to chill on my bed and listen to some music. I know part of the reason I am so wiped out is because of the dreaded menses. I swear they have taken away any energy out of me that I have had over the last few days. I think I might be anemic. I am glad I am seeing my doc on Monday. I’ll see if he will do a blood count and to see what my uric acid level is. I was discussing my foot problem to a friend and he said it could be gout. I doubt it is but maybe it could be a slight case of it. I just know that the bones behind my metatarsals hurt me in the morning and night now and it’s not fun! I don’t know if it is a bone thing or a tendon thing that is going on in my foot. They just say I have swelling and every other structure is fine. So what is causing the swelling?? No one knows. FRUSTRATING!

I also for some reason have no appetite the past few days. I have been eating but I don’t think I am nearly hitting the 1000 calorie mark that the body needs. That could be another reason why I am so pooped. But I don’t feel like eating and I am not hungry. I should maybe have a protein bar for my supper tonight. All I had today was a piece of cornbread and half a pound cake loaf. And did I mention I had a lot of coffee??? Despite the coffee I am still exhausted. I just hope I don’t get my second wind because it might be another all nighter. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I could stay up all night but that just is inviting trouble to happen. I really don’t want Mr. Hyde to show his head again. My psychiatrist has been on my mind lately and I DON’T want to send her off one of my good bye letters. I will be involuntarily committed. And that is not something you can just say “My psychiatrist is nuts and is lying about what she is saying”. Been there, done that, didn’t work! Fricken spent two weeks in the hospital until THEY thought I was fit to go. I hated it.

how the midnightdemons came to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I am at my starbucks drinking my Kati Kati while reading Noonday Demon. A fellow blogger reminded me about it and decided to pick it up again.

Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon is where I got the idea for the name of my blog. While he experiences his demons during the noon time hour, I experience them during the midnight hours. Thursday night was the perfect example of that. I was talking with my therapist today about this and she thinks I dissociated into Mr. Hyde again. I’m still trying to remember what triggered me. I had been depressed most of that day. My first blog of that day was me writing about how I was tired of living. I don’t know if that is what set me off or if it was my never ending menstrual cycle. Though I don’t think you can call it a cycle at the present time. It more like a never ending flowing that has gone on for weeks now.

I am just reading the part in the book where he is describing depression as a vine that just stifles you. With each growth, it just takes more and more of your energy to fight it until you are wondering why you are existing. You are praying for death as you can’t understand why the vine has not stopped your breathing. You continue to exist in this shell of an existence. That is how I feel right now. The depression, a word I forgot that describes me, has stifled my existence and is trying to extinguish me. These blackout dissociations are one clue that I am not with it. But the problem becomes how to deal with it. Hospital will only treat the symptoms of my depression, and there are no meds for dissociation. I still think that it is just a symptom of my suicidality. I am too far depressed and have crossed over into the blackness of existence. I may not feel suicidal all the time but obviously I still am on an unconscious level. Or maybe it is subconscious. Either way, I don’t know what to do about it. I am sort of scared that I might try to end my life while in this state. It most likely will be an impulsive move. And with that, I won’t have my crisis response plan to use. I will only be focused on whatever it is I am feeling at that moment and how to get rid of it. Luckily, the midnightdemons have only been writing about the end of my life. I don’t think I have attempted anything because I’m still here and there are no empty bottles of pills, knife or razor wounds, or ligature marks to indicate to me that I have tried something.

The mind is very complex. It can focus on writing something very emotional yet still listen to music as you write. I really want to try and see if the Neurontin that I take has been the cause of the dissociations that I have been experiencing. But I am afraid that if I do and something were to happen, I won’t remember it. I barely remember that I took the pills to begin with so obviously, something was brewing BEFORE my dose. I don’t take the Neurontin on a daily basis. I usually just take it when the burning sensation is too much or if I want to zone out. But lately, the being zoned out part has not worked for me the last couple of times I have taken it. Which is a total bummer.

If I do end up in the hospital, I have no idea what to tell my family. Usually I tell them I have to go in to adjust my medication or that I am just deeply depressed. It becomes a hard time for me because when I get out, I am watched like a hawk. Or it just becomes a surprise as I have not been showing signs of my depression. The only thing that is really keeping me out (aside from losing my phone) is my mother’s hypo attacks. I don’t think I can forgive myself if something were to happen to her while I was in the hospital, especially since now I think she has an infection in her foot. Infections and diabetes do not mix.

I wish my psychiatrist would respond to the email I sent her. Sometimes I just like acknowledgement of the email to know she got it and that it wasn’t lost in cyber world. But she is on vacation and I don’t see her until next Friday.

My Sox are off tonight. They are in Toronto for their series against the Blue Jays. I don’t know what I am going to do tonight. I might accompany my mother to the ER to get her foot looked at. I hate going to ERs. They are not fun. I am hoping they will take her quickly but it all depends on how urgent other cases are. I feel really bad for my mother. I know what it is like having foot pain. I go through it every day. In fact, I woke up with it this morning. I had to take some pain meds and I then fell back asleep until my mother called to tell me she couldn’t see her doctor today because he and the covering doc was on vacation. Does that make sense?? Why bother covering for someone if you know you are going on vacation too! Pisses me off.

So now you know how the midnight demons came to be called. Though I still don’t know what is causing them to exist. I think exhaustion has something to do with it. I am wicked tired and instead of sleeping, I just go off into Mr. Hyde until I do finally succumb to sleep. It just sucks that I am writing very dark stuff before I do fall asleep. But I have been lucky so far that I have not done anything. I hope it continues to stay that way. If I am going to kill myself, I want to be in the present state of mind and not be out of it. Or maybe it is better that I am out of it…

on being a loser

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist is back from vacation. I really am glad she is back. We talked a lot today and I sent her a funny card for her birthday which is tomorrow. On the front of the card it has a dog saying “look I can connect to the internet” and a cat that is saying, “that is the microwave…” on the inside is says something about being an imbecile in the technological age, which is so true for her. I wish she was up to speed technologically but only a miracle can happen before she is. She has a vague idea what Skype is just to give you an idea and even though I created her own email address, she always forgets she has it. In her squirrel brain, I don’t know if she ever uses email for anything.

I have been depressed all day despite being with my niece. I just have been really fighting the suicidal thoughts all day. Even though I feel I have made some success with my blog and it being on the Masters in Counseling website, I still feel like a loser. I just don’t feel good enough. I am wicked depressed and in pain all the time. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. Yesterday my arthritis was acting up because I haven’t been taking my anti-inflammatory pill. I have sort of been deciding which meds to take and which not to take since I have been having trouble finding the funds to get them. I kind of wish I was on state health care so that it might be cheaper than what I am paying with my private insurance but there is no guarantee that I can see my providers. I know I can still see my therapist and psychiatrist. I am just worried that I won’t be able to see my primary care doc. So until then, I am skipping doses except for my psych meds. I can’t miss too many days of them because I will go nuts.

Because my pain has been acting up severely lately, I have really been in a funk. I just can’t get myself together to get out of it. I still do everything that I normally do, like go to Starbucks and goof off there then come home and usually write something. I just don’t know why I bother leaving the house. I hate taking the bus now. I get wicked anxious on the ride home every time. Getting there to where I need to go is not a problem because it’s the last stop of the bus. Everyone needs to get off so I don’t feel so claustrophobic and panicky. But on the ride home, if someone is blocking the entrance or an exit, I just get really paranoid and panicky for some reason. I don’t know why it is and why this is happening as I NEVER felt that way before while on the bus. I guess I am just self-conscious that I may trip over someone or something and go flying when the bus stops. I hardly leave my seat anymore when approaching my stop for fear of falling. I usually have good balance but lately I have been off. I guess it is becoming more into my head of not knowing where my feet are and it’s distracting me. Because of my nerve injury, I no longer know where my feet are, especially my “good” foot which is my right. I used to be able to keep my balance pretty good but lately I have been losing my balance on it more than my “bad” foot. I just feel like killing myself will solve everything. I won’t have to deal with the anxiety, the pain, the loss of balance, and the heartache anymore.

My therapist reminded me today that I am needed by others. Again with the others and my family. I kind of felt better, a little bit but I know she was just saying it because she is one of the others that need me for some reason. It kills me inside that I have to continue to suffer for others. It’s like I am being a martyr or something. I just am so tired of living. So tired of being tired. I can’t remember when I had energy to do stuff. I wanted to clean out my car today so that I could junk it but I had my niece with me so that didn’t happen. We went to the park and I know if I take my sock off I am going to be in pain more than I already am right now. I have been putting off cleaning my car for almost a year now. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it. It needs to be done but I just can’t do it. And I feel like a loser because I don’t have any motivation or energy to do this stuff. I am able to. I just need to sit on the back seat with a trash bag and haul all the stuff in the back in a bag but that is too much for me. I need to save my spoons for going to Starbucks to get my one cup of coffee a day, to get dressed and showered. To be able to tolerate standing while waiting for the bus. I think I am going to take a nap now.

Angry Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to remove one of my posts the today because it became a hit for spam messages. I got at least 12 or more a day and I don’t know why. The messages were mostly the same but with long ass names like spelling the same name over and over but dropping a letter in the middle. It was really weird. I thought by changing the name (blog post 389) to something more meaningful it would stop but it didn’t. I am so aggravated by this, and frustrated.

I am up because I was talking to a friend and then I heard some noises so now I can’t sleep. I am fearful my mother is going to have another one of her “attacks” so I might as well stay up just in case. I am listening to my favorite country tracks as I am trying to stay up. I really want to take another dose of pain meds but I don’t want to pass out. My ankle is throbbing something fierce.

My friend asked me a question tonight that got me upset and I got off the phone. She asked me what I have been doing during the day and I could tell by the tone in her voice she really didn’t give a shit. I was done talking. I wasn’t going to explain to yet another person how pathetic my life has become by just going to Starbucks, drinking coffee, and blogging. She never read any of my blogs. She is on the computer most of the time and yet doesn’t read my blogs. That is fine but I thought we had a closer connection. It’s ok though. I don’t know why I am so angry but I am. I am so sick of having to justify every hour of my existence to someone and she just touched the wrong nerve tonight. She was surprised I didn’t want to answer the question and so be it. I wasn’t going to answer it. My prerogative. I had to listen, again, to how she is never having another therapist when her therapist retires, that she is not going back to therapy. UGH I know. You already told me fifty million times you are not getting a therapist. I get it. I wish mine would retire and I could start over. But that is not going to happen because no one wants to deal with a suicidal freak like me. I am so tired of everything and the fact of the matter is that I am thinking of taking my life again. I really want to end it this time. I don’t think I can stand another breakthrough bleeding episode or anything of the sort. I am tired all the time of doing nothing. Yet if I try to do something my foot explodes and I am done. I can’t help my mother with the chores of the house anymore because I am so disabled. I hate being this way. So I just want to fucking die. I will do something to take my life in the next two weeks. There is no significance to the date that I am choosing, though I think it will be the week after. I have to do this. I just do.