Tag: hopelessness

Another night of the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep. I have slept most of the day. I was woken up almost 24 hrs ago to my mother being on the floor. She fell after what I think was a hypoglycemic attack. She was all sweaty and disoriented and her speech was a little slurred despite her sugar being in the low 70’s. It took me a while to get back to sleep, despite being drugged. I had to check my Facebook for my game rewards and found out the Sox won in dramatic fashion. I then read for a little bit before finally succumbing to sleep around 5 in the morning.

I still have my fucking menses and what is worse is that every morning this week I have woken up to my pants being soiled. I am not very happy. This mense shows no sign of stopping any time soon, though the flow is lessening somewhat. I am getting to be very depressed and thoughts of not waking up in the morning are getting more and more prominent.

I finally got back to reading “Team of Rivals” and the Civil War has just commenced. I am finding out more about the battle and how difficult it was giving up loyalties and such. I can’t imagine what commissioned officers went through to decide to be for the Union or for the Confederacy. And it is a miracle that the White house wasn’t occupied at any time to be burned to the ground as it was in the middle of all the fighting!! I am also surprised that no one thought to move the capital to a safer place, like New York rather than stay in Washington. But what is done, is done. I think it is funny that the first lady, Mary Todd had a competitor for the best dressed house in Kate Chase, one of the cabinet members Daughters. Both decided to have elaborate dinners and such for appearances purposes. But then, that is what they did for fun in those days. I also find it interesting that Lincoln’s boys were disruptive during cabinet meetings and such. I bet that does not go on today. I can’t imagine Obama’s daughters charging in during a meeting to play.

Since I have been sleeping most of the day, I have not had any coffee. I didn’t go out yesterday because I didn’t feel like it and today I didn’t because I didn’t wake up will almost 1500. I couldn’t have coffee at that hour because I know I would still be up at this hour but with more energy than I have right now.

My writing partner has reviewed my relationship paper and given me some pointers on it. I have not had the chance to write it. I kind of not been in the mind to finish it. She said it was a good paper. I just got to do it. I am glad there is no deadline for working on this paper. Otherwise I would be screwed. I hopefully will be able to work on it tomorrow if I am able to get back to my routine. I guess with my therapist on vacation, I have really not stuck to my schedule of waking up and getting dressed to get coffee.

I bought pizza today because I felt like it, and fries. I am a fries addict. I love fries, except sweet potato ones. Actually any type of fried white potato I like. Then my mother made chicken cutlets and I was like damn, I wasted my money. Oh well, I will have pizza for lunch tomorrow. Nothing tastes good as cold pizza and cold chicken.

I miss having my routine where I go to Starbucks. But I got to figure out why I have been getting anxiety attacks on the bus. It’s been happening more and I don’t know if it is anxiety or paranoia, or both. I just know I start feeling weird, especially when the doors start to get blocked by people standing in the isle. I can’t stand it. Then I start getting nervous and panic. There is no reason why I should panic, other than I fear for their safety. But other than that, I don’t know why I get so nervous.

I have been thinking about my date. It’s coming up in 15 days. I can’t help but think about it. BOTH my pdoc and therapist are on vacation that weekend. It would be a perfect time to act. And I just thought about another way of killing myself so it would be cool to try it out. If it fails I could always go back to what I really want to try. I just don’t see the point in living when I have all these issues that make me want to die. I know there are people fighting for their life with cancer while I am somewhat healthy and all but I would gladly exchange my life for theirs if it meant I would die and they would live. I hate being in a female body. I hate being in chronic pain all the time. I hate being in pain for no good reason other than just for “fun” with my nerves being out of whack. I really wish I was dead. I hope that wish comes through one day.

midnight demon post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide

I have been up since 0900. it is now 0300 as I write this. My foot started really hurting at 0200, just when I was about to really get into some sleep. I took my meds just now as it has been a while and a muscle relaxer to try and see if I can sleep. I am just miserable because I have not been able to get a good night’s sleep in two days now. I hope that when I do fall asleep I really sleep.

I emailed my psychiatrist. My therapist is on vacation and there is no way I can talk to her for a check in so I emailed my pdoc. She is good about my emails. I don’t get any responses usually. So I just write what I feel and ship it off to her. I told her my suicidal thoughts have increased because of the pain, having my menses, and lack of sleep. I am thinking of taking rat poison. It’s a good thing I don’t have any on hand. It will take me some time to get it though as I don’t think mice poison will work as well. I will have to do some calculations to get the dose right and I hate math. I used to be good in math until I met Calculus. I sucked at it until my last term in high school. Now I can’t even do basic algebra. I forgot how to do it. good thing there is Google…

I really was having a good day today. Now it is spoiled by pain. I wish I did something to cause the pain but I didn’t. I was just laying in bed for the past few hours trying to get to sleep and playing on my laptop or checking twitter on my phone. I find that I can do stuff on twitter with my phone better than using the web. The phone has features that you don’t have on the web, which is strange. But then, I don’t design these things.

On a sad note, I found out Eileen Brennan passed away and my rookie shortstop for the Sox has been traded to the Tigers. I am deeply saddened by this. I loved Eileen and Iggy. Tonight Iggy made a base running error that was comical. I wish I could post it here but it’s against WordPress and probably MLB policy rights. If you Youtube Jose Iglesias and base running, I am sure there is a clip of it. Or not. I just checked and it’s not there. 😦

I liked watching Iggy play. I think he is a superb player. He has quick hands and a good bat. I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him in a Tigers uniform.

Eileen Brennan I will always remember her in Private Benjamin. I loved watching her there. I know she has played in other shows since then but her performance in Benjamin was hysterical, to me anyways.

So my demons are out and I have to live with them tonight because I am getting not respite from my relief medication. This totally sucks donkey balls. It’s also freezing in my room because I have the AC on. I am covered with my sheet and comforter. I am too lazy to shut off the ac because I know I will have to turn it back on in a few hours when my room gets hot again. Nothing worse than being woken up because you are hot. Maybe that is why I didn’t get any good sleep. My room was too warm, even though I have the ceiling fan running at high.

So these are my thoughts when I am in a bad place. This is why I call them the midnight demons. Because they are demons. they are the dark thoughts that no one wants to hear ever. I was talking to my cousin tonight about my pain and he gave me credit for handling it. I didn’t tell him it makes me want to commit suicide. I did tell him that if my PCP ever stops giving me my pain medication, he might as well sign my death certificate. There is no way that I can live without my pain meds. I am not saying I am addicted to them, because there are days where all I will need is one pill or no pills for a day or so. Then there are days like tonight that I need 4-6 pills to control my pain. I don’t take all of the 4-6 at once. Just 2 every 4-6 hours. In my desperate hours, I have taken 3-4 at once, when I am in a FUCK it mode. I thought about taking that tonight but decided against it. I really am scared about how the new policy my doc’s office has it going to affect me. I am hoping there is no radical change. I won’t be able to handle it. According to this new policy, I will only get a 28 day supply of meds and will need to be seen every month to get it refilled. It’s a standard policy that I have come across from the pain management docs that I have seen. the thing that scares me is that there is a clause that states that if my provider doesn’t see that i am getting better or that there is no change, he might decide to discontinue the medication. I have a condition that is not likely to improve at ALL. If I don’t take this medication, I am screwed. I will be in pain and will likely commit suicide because it will be the only option I have left. I cannot go on suffering like this. I just can’t. I have exhausted all possibilities that this will get better, no amount of physical therapy or other treatments are available to me. I know losing weight is a big thing. And I am trying to work on that but it is not easy. I love to eat which is part of my problem. Even now I am fighting the urge to have a bowl of cereal. But that will mean going down stairs to my kitchen and I don’t think going down stairs will help my pain.

It’s been an hour and a half that I have had this flare up and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of calming down. How I wish I could see my doc right now and tell him how badly I hurt. But my doc is not available at this hour, except for emergency docs which will be the on call doc who might not be mine and won’t know me from Adam. And even if I do page him, there is no guarantee that he or she will provide me with adequate relief at this hour, other than telling me to go to the ER. I hate this bullshit where I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it other than pray my pain meds work or at least knock me out.

This is what I go through on a daily basis. Why I have not attempted to kill myself is a mystery to me. I have thought about it a thousand and one times and still have not made any attempt to kill myself in the past year and a half. I want to so bad though. I think it will provide me some relief that I am seeking. But if I am successful, then I will be ok. My family might be destroyed but I will be in a better place, I hope, where there is no suffering like this.

early morning post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It’s almost five o’clock in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I returned to my room, my foot didn’t like it. I am in so much pain right now it’s not funny. I don’t know why this happens. I was in pain before bed but nothing like this. It really kills me.

I took the day off yesterday. All I did was sleep. I was watching the baseball game but couldn’t stay awake for it so took a nap. I guess my activities on Saturday really wore me out. I am finding that if I do a lot for one day, the next day I need to recover from. It is typical of those suffering from CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome.

I got tweeted a post about a study on coffee and suicide. Turns out that if you drink more than 2 cups a day, you are at a 50% reduction rate for suicide. Now if only I can bring myself to have two cups of coffee a day, maybe the suicidal thoughts will decrease. The article can be found here.

I just realized that with my therapist on vacation, I have the ENTIRE week to myself. I have NO appointments. I don’t know if that means I will have a long week or not. But it frees me up to go for coffee earlier in the afternoon. Maybe I can work on my lyric book. This book is about songs that have meaning to me. I write down the lyrics and then write a few pages about what the song means to me. So far, all I have done is write down the lyrics. I haven’t done any interpretation of the song. I figure I will do that later. As far as my book is coming along, well it’s not. I haven’t written anything in it in weeks, with the exception of adding a blog story to it. I figure if I write a blog that has some meaning or tells my story, I would tack it on.

I had a weird experience last night. My niece was cuddling with me while we were watching a movie. I know she wasn’t going to molest me, but she kept on using my breast as a pillow and I got uncomfortable. I then almost panicked that she was going to start touching me. But she is eight years old so that is very unlikely. I have a history of sexual abuse from a cousin and it would start out that way. I just go very uncomfortable but tried to work it out. I guess I don’t like cuddling very much because of that incident. It was really difficult and I had to keep reminding myself that she was only eight and was not going to hurt me. I hate when I get sensory flashbacks. They are not fun!

nobody knows

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide, writing

Nobody knows…

Nobody knows how bad I hurt

Nobody knows how late I stay up

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

Nobody knows the hours I sleep and don’t sleep. They think that because it is night time, I sleep but I don’t. I usually have the best sleep between 6 am and 10 am. That is all I need. A four hour nap. Because it is the only thing that makes me feel good for a few hours. It is the only thing that takes my pain away when I am in the deepness of the unconsciousness.

Nobody knows the struggle in my chest.

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

nobody knows how bad I want the struggle to end

nobody knows how bad I just want to end my life