Tag: mental illness

Pain too much today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain too much today

I woke up around 8. According to my phone (I have no idea how it knows when I sleep), I slept 9.5 hours. I went to the bathroom and then came back to my room. I was going to make cookies today. Around 0840, my mother calls me to go to her room. I do and she is kind of slurring her words, which can only mean trouble. She said she felt weak and to get her blood sugar testing supplies. I also got her some juice. Her sugar was 70, which is kind of low but not really low. She drank the juice. I think she might have been lower but her body recovered because her sheets and bed clothes were wet. She wanted me to take them off so she could wash them. I did so and brought them downstairs. I asked her if she needed any help going down and she didn’t. I went down carrying her water glass and testing supplies.

When she came down, I asked what she wanted for breakfast. She said an egg McMuffin. I made if for her and then took out my oatmeal I made. I wanted an egg McMuffin but I had the oatmeal. I might make if for dinner. Her sugar went up to over 150 after breakfast. I stayed until I knew she was okay. All the going up and down stairs killed my ankle. I rested for a bit and then checked to see if my prescription was ready for pick up. It was still listed as out of stock so I called. The tech I was friends with said the stock just came in and by the time I got there, it would be ready. Cool. Except, I really didn’t feel like going out. I waited a little bit and then got dressed. I wore some sweatpants as I didn’t feel like wearing jeans. I then went downstairs and checked on my mother. I asked her if she would be okay for like 20 minutes while I went to the pharmacy. She said she would be. I grabbed a coupon for White Castle burgers and left. It was warm so I didn’t wear a jacket. I grabbed the burgers from the freezer. They also had buffalo wings so I grabbed a box of that. I got my meds and sure enough the new med is a controlled substance because it needed my ID. I thought that was weird but whatever. By the time I came home, it was almost noon time, too late to take a dose. I put the oven on for the wings. I had bought a Coke Zero, which I thought was regular but turned out to be cherry. I like cherry coke better than Pepsi. It tasted okay.

By the time I got back to my room, my ankle had started to act up and my foot was beyond painful. I got back into my PJs as the sweatpants were too warm. I figured I would give some time for my pain to settle before making the cookies. Nope, it never settled. I then I had to go back downstairs because I had to pee. I put the cream cheese back in the fridge and covered the cinnamon sugar I made in prep for baking. I had some craving for pancakes but I didn’t want to tax my ankle more than it was already. I was still a little hungry after I ate the wings. I made the burgers instead. It was quicker and easier than pancakes. I asked what my mother was doing for dinner and she said leftovers. Guess I will be making the egg McMuffin after all. My ankle is still hurting. I am off it now as I am writing this, but CRPS doesn’t care. Pain will still happen. I took a strong pain pill as I just couldn’t stand the ankle flare anymore. According to my phone, I have already taken more than 2100 steps. I am taking it with a grain of salt as I found out that shaking the phone will add at least 30-40 steps. Going up and down stairs probably added 1000 steps I didn’t really take.

I got an email letter from my PCP. To my surprise, results from the sleep study are back. I have very mild sleep apnea, which can be treated by losing weight. It was noted in the report that I woke up a few times due to pain, which is what I have been telling him all along. He didn’t say anything about putting me on a longer acting pain med, so I sent him a message. It’s kind of late so I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow or Thursday. I know I need to lose weight but I got bigger fish to fry. I just wish the damn combo of Invega and gabapentin didn’t send my appetite through the roof. Being immobile on some days doesn’t help either as there are days I don’t leave the house, mostly due to pain.

hopelessness and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hopelessness and other things

I only got about 3 hours sleep and woke up around 5 am. Yucky hour. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t. I even took some Ativan but once I am up, I am up. I didn’t want to sleep and then have the alarm go off. I knew I would feel terrible. I made breakfast and coffee. I had enough time to catch the 0845 bus so around 0830, I got dressed. I got to Starbucks and ordered an eggnog latte with 3 shots of espresso and a lemon cake. I brought my laptop hoping to work on my story but inspiration failed me. I gave up and then started writing in my journal. I wrote about a paragraph when I got hit with intense hopelessness out of the blue. I wasn’t writing anything specific, least I don’t remember. But it was awful. I felt like my world was going to end at any minute. I tried to shrug it off but it was latched to me like glue.

I got a text saying the red line was delayed so I packed up my things and walked to the station, hoping I would get hit by a semi. Everything just seemed so depressing and bleak. I know I had a discouraging morning as more and more evidence is being pumped into the opioid crisis, even though reports specifically say it is heroin and illicit fentanyl doing most of the ODs. But they are coming for drug makers now, telling them they can only produce so many kilos of the stuff in the upcoming year. That is fair to the legit chronic pain patients who don’t abuse and take their pain meds the way they are supposed to. The joint commission is also proposing ways to treat pain non pharmacologically. I dreaded reading this word because I knew what it meant and I was right. I guess all this stuff finally sunk in and now I was feeling hopeless about being a chronic pain patient and not being able to get pain meds due to shortages. If I was in the hospital again, I might have a harder time getting pain meds.

I made my way to my psychiatrist’s office and just had enough time to pee and then walk to her office. I got there within 5 minutes to spare. I asked her if I should still be in therapy and she shocked me. She said it was up to me. She also said it was a privilege to see a therapist. That I failed to see. I almost started crying because I thought of the pain of my former therapist and how she left me high and dry with no reason for termination. I also told my psych that my current therapist and I don’t have the interaction like we do. She asked and said rapport? I said yea. I could be talking the whole 45 minutes and then he says see you next week. I just am tired of therapy. I know it is useful. I know there are benefits in seeing someone but I just can’t anymore. I think I got to heal some after being dumped by someone who I knew for 16 years. Now I just got to let my therapist know this. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I owe him some money as I have gotten behind in paying him. Also doesn’t help that he doesn’t give me statements every month so I am just guessing what I owe him.

I am relieved my psych is just putting it on me to decide whether or not I should be in therapy. I was nervous about bringing it up. She asked what I was doing for Christmas and I told her. She busted out laughing when I told her I was ordering Chinese food on Christmas Eve while the rest of my family eats fish. In all my years knowing her, I never heard her laugh so hard. I felt better when I left her office.

I had to pick up some bread for my mother so did that on the way home. Then I stopped in the liquor store across the street but I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I might ask my sister for a bottle of red wine made by Mark West. It’s one of my favorite reds.

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

Having a rough day. Was up till around 0530 because of pain. I had taken a shower and slipped twice. My ankle did not want me to stand at all for the lousy 10 minutes. I wish I could say the pain was worth it as I felt better and clean after the shower but didn’t like being up in pain all fucking night. I didn’t sleep well. I was up every couple of hours.

When I woke up in the afternoon because my ankle said so, it was snowing and my room was really warm. I went downstairs and my mother had the heat on above 70 degrees. Bitch. I lowered it. I made some frozen dinners and had ice cream then chips and salsa. I was kind of hungry as I haven’t eaten anything most of the day. I went downstairs to collect my walking boot and my mother wanted ice from my sister’s ice maker. I had to go back to the kitchen to get a bag. I was not fucking happy.

I collected the ice and my stupid brother in law was excited about putting the lights in the front. I don’t fucking care. He never replaced my ceiling fan so I am mad at him. I need a working fan if my mother is going to put the heat on high because she can’t put on a damn heavy sweater. Fuck. I am glad I am not paying the gas bill.

I went back upstairs and my ankle said fuck you. I was fucking heated. I am so sick of dealing with pain I am seeing red. The neuro never responded to my email about the new med not going through to the pharmacy. At this point, I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve decided to quit seeing the therapist I am seeing. I am just done with him. He isn’t helpful and I am tired of his analysis that leaves me with more questions than answers. I started looking for someone else while I was up in the middle of the night. I emailed three therapists that are close by. Hopefully one responds. It might be a while before they do as the holidays are approaching. Good luck to therapist #15, whoever you maybe.

I am so fucking tired. I took some more pain meds and an Ativan as I was really irritable. I was getting to the point of want to take out my aggression on my ankle with a sharp object. Think I am going to take my night meds early and try and sleep or maybe watch a movie. I don’t know. Reading is out because I don’t have the concentration for it. Guess my reading challenge is going to the toilet. There is no way I can read like 7 books in 3 weeks. I’ll be lucky to finish one book by the end of the year. I really want to finish Coraline. Maybe that will be my goal tomorrow. I am half way through the book so it should be easy if I don’t have disabling pain to distract me. I still have Tex by SE Hinton. That should be an easy book, too. So maybe 2 books by year’s end.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I was going over the documents that I needed to collect food stamps. And they have my name wrong!! I got to call them Monday and correct them because all my documents say my legal name, not my birth name. UGH. What idiots did that?? I had filled out the paperwork with G. I am so fucking mad. I am glad I caught it before I submitted the paperwork. Assholes.

short blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. My foot was hurting and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. My groceries were delivered around 2000. After everything was put away, I had something to eat as I didn’t have dinner. I made a bagel and then had some multigrain chips with salsa. The bagels were good. It was Thomas’s oat and honey. I really liked them. I was disappointed that my tortilla wraps didn’t come in. I guess instead of making salad wraps, I will just have the salad.

I got the ingredients ready for tomorrow if I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I’ll probably make them in the afternoon. It all depends on whether my pain is low or not. Right now my foot and ankle are killing me from going all over the house putting the groceries away. My mother gave me a kind of lecture. She doesn’t know where I got the money for the groceries and I am not telling her. It’s none of her business.

Last night I emailed my PT about my ankle pain. I was wondering if there was a tendon near my bone that got mad when I moved it and thus setting off pain. She said there were two bones and a lot of tendons. I would have to show her where the pain was so she could get a better idea of how best to go about treating it. She recommended warm compresses for a few minutes and then rubbing lotion in the area. I’ll have to remember this the next time it flares.

I did some stretching exercises. I didn’t do all but some of what she gave me yesterday. She said that I could move on from doing a few one day and then the rest the following day. As long as I was going some that was better than nothing.

I wanted to shower today but my ankle and foot were being finicky. I didn’t want to risk a flare so I didn’t take one. I will try tomorrow. I have to try and be better about it but when you are in a lot of pain, it is the last thing you think about.