Tag: mental pain

moment in time

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.

Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.

Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.

My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.

broken inside

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I know I only posted a few hours ago but I am still feeling the need to write. The heaviness in my chest has not lifted and I am finding it hard to breathe. I just feel this tremendous weight on me and I don’t know why. I feel like my heart is going to pieces and I have no reason for it to be. Maybe I am going crazy? I just know that I hurt and I don’t like this hurt. I think I’d rather be in horrendous physical pain than deal with this heartache. Sadly, I already am in physical pain but I seem to be getting good at tuning it out. It only hurts when I try and move my foot so I try very hard to keep it as still as possible. That has what my life has become. Staying as still as possible. And I just feel broken and lost. My niece today really touched a nerve. She was just being honest. I just feel like I should be working at a “real” job, though my therapist tells me this is my “real” job. I can’t understand how my life went so badly in such a short amount of time. Four months is not even a season. Sure you have the middle of winter and the beginning of spring but neither were full seasons when I lost my jobs. granted I quit one at the end of Jan and then I was forced to leave the other the end of April. so technically it was three months of going from two jobs to none. All because of what? That is what is killing me. The doctors still aren’t sure what is causing my pain. They thought at first it was my back but that was ruled out with MRIs. Then they did MRIs of my leg, ankle, and foot. All negative except for some swelling. I say just cut the swelling out and see how I fair. I can’t go on living like this. I just can’t. I don’t think I will see the light of day again. These black clouds keep circling around me, day in and day out. I got to sleep with emptiness so vast it can fill the Grand Canyon. I am not on an antidepressant. None of them work for me. None provide relief. Yet my therapist thinks that I should be on one. I don’t see why. I will just become sick off them and will have to discontinue them after a month or so. My psychiatrist has nothing left in her arsenal to save me. My therapist is all out of ideas to help me. Yet I continue the course, hoping that there will be a light at the endless tunnel. They (my therapist and psychiatrist) see this light but I never do. It is too far away from me. But what they don’t see is my heart that is torn to pieces. I want to end my existence because the pain is too great. Yet these two tell me I can’t. One will be hurt and the other will hospitalize me. Why can’t they see how much I am pained? Maybe if they saw it, maybe if I describe it better, they will see that the only way to fix it is with my death.

stuck in a black hole

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Well today I thought I had enough spoons to get me through the day of getting coffee and dropping off my return to UPS. Then I decided to be bold to go a little shopping after my coffee to get dinner. I was wrong. I was half way back to the bus stop when my ankle gave out on me. CRAP!! For those that can walk normally, PLEASE PLEASE don’t take this for granted! It is so essential for me to have my own transportation (my feet) that every day that I cannot do something because of pain, makes me so very sad. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus and it took me over twenty minutes to walk home from the bus stop where it normally takes me less than ten minutes. Because I already was in agony, I decided to go to Walgreens to pick up Ocean Spray’s new Cranberry drink, Cran-Lemonade. It is soooo good even my finicky niece loves it!

Dell has been trying to get in touch with me the last two days. If I wasn’t in great pain, I would have answered the call today as my laptop is making a high pitch whine noise that is absolutely driving me fucking crazy. It sounds like a cop car coming but really I think it is the cooling fan starting and stopping. Whatever it is, I did NOT have this problem before I shipped out my laptop. I will try calling them tonight or maybe sending them an email because the morons can’t speak good English. The messages they have left me have been undecipherable. Sorry but if you work for customer service you should have GOOD English speaking skills for an American company!!!

I still am feeling blue. I feel like this huge black cloud is following me every where I go. I don’t “see” colors except for black and gray. I hate being in this world. And I know it is going to pass but that does help for the time being. It sucks being this way. I called my repro endo doc and she is out of the fricken country. Just fricken great. Secretary was able to give me an appointment on Monday, so that is something at least. Hopefully this siege will be over by then. I know that is what is making me feel more miserable than usual. I have decided that I can live with a certain amount of misery in my life. In fact, I expect it. My world has been filled with gray clouds for most of my life so what is the difference if there are black clouds following me. I never see the sun. I am so far away from it that I am just stuck in a black hole.

My battery came close to dying on me today and I had it. It was the last straw. I went back to the extended battery that I have. I just hope it lasts until I can get another one. Damn things are expensive. Sprint has one but it is only slightly bigger than a standard. I got a thicker battery through some website that I am going to have to track down through my Amazon purchases. I buy all my cell phone accessories through Amazon. I love it as you can get really good deals. Too bad I didn’t get a deal on the hundred dollar headphones set I bought. They only work on Apple products. I would have returned them but I didn’t want to go through the hassle so I just kept them. They are good quality headphones but I can’t use the stupid remote it came with. I tried handing them off to my niece and nephew who have iTouch/iPod but they don’t like the earbuds. Kids!

chronic pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Been in a sour mood all day. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I wanted to have coffee but there was no more half and half in the house. I woke up in pain so I have been trying to sleep most of the day. I finally fell asleep for about an hour when my niece came home yelling at her sister for something. I was so mad. I did go out to get something to eat and a jelly donut. I was craving one. I know I shouldn’t as I have been eating crap the last few days but I so wanted a donut.

Today was my cousin’s baby shower. I didn’t go. I hate going to those things. I consider it a female thing so I just don’t go.

I really am tired today. I have been trying for the past hour to come up with some writing but nothing is coming to me. Oh and I tweeted Andrew Solomon today and surprisingly, he tweeted back! I was excited!! My twitter handle is noondaydemon75, which is named after his book. I am re-reading his book but can’t really get into reading. My brain is just toast. I had a hard time sleeping last night so decided to read some of the Lincoln book until 3 am. I didn’t sleep more than 6 hours before I woke up in pain again. I am in pain now. I just don’t care anymore. Right now, it just feels like a bad toothache.

I don’t know what to make of my pain. I was reading my old blog site and seems like this started the end of January of 2011. So it has been over two years that I have had this pain, and I feel it almost every single day. Nice (not). As I was reading my blogs, I noticed just how bad the despair was. I also read the fear I was having that this was a back issue and how much I was going to kill myself because of the pain and if I got CES x 3. Not much has changed since those writings. I still am suicidal and I am still in a lot of pain. I have seen over I don’t know how many different doctors/specialists for the problem and it seems, according to my writings, that no one was willing to help me with it. Even now my PCP, though he does give me my pain medication, sends me to other doctors. It is like I just can’t go in for one month and just get my script and walk out without some kind of theory he gets. I don’t care anymore. The pain as far as I am concerned is caused by nerve damage and the diagnosis is according to three doctors is complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know what that really means but I know it can’t be fixed. And as long as the pain medication takes care of the pain a little bit, I am happy with it. Structurally, there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle/leg except for some mild swelling, which no one has been able to get down. Even after a year of inactivity, I still get the swelling. I still have a lump on my leg where there is swelling.

And the whole thing depresses me. I can’t go for long walks like I used to. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without some kind of pain attack. At night my foot or ankle will start to bother me more than anything and I want to die from the pain. It will start off as small and then it will rear its ugly head all the way through half the night. Sometimes if I take my meds early enough I can go to sleep without it getting bad. Other nights, the anxiety it puts me through is too much and I am up all night, sometimes till 6 am.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I have to take my father to a medical appointment and then I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon for the medical students interview. I am dreading it because I know that it is going to be a long day and I am not going to sleep very well. I hope that before I drop my sister off at work I can get my coffee as I know I am going to need it. I might even have two in the day. But we’ll see.