Tag: mood disorders

writing continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Continues

I woke up around 0630 and got to work right away. I worked on my story that I wrote up the other night. I finally typed it up and added to it as I did so. It felt good to be productive before having breakfast and coffee. I had my breakfast but I didn’t have cream so I walked up the street to get it. I was completely exhausted by the time I came back home. Mind you, I wasn’t gone for more than twenty minutes. I am glad I opted for going to going out rather than showering. My ankle is having a fit and a half for walking and going up and down stairs. I almost took a tumble yesterday and in balancing myself, I had to put my weight on my bad ankle. It hasn’t been the same since. But it’s not terribly swollen. It just hurts more.

I worked on my paper. It’s a little more than 500 words but there is plenty of room to work on it. I sent it to my psychiatrist but haven’t heard feedback on it. I am glad to work on something. After I typed it up, I just let it sit for a bit. Because it isn’t finished, I didn’t blog it. I am going to print it out and see how it looks and maybe go over it tomorrow after therapy. Course, it all depends on how my ankle is doing.

I have to go to the mall sometime this week to get some clothes for a wedding I will be attending in two weeks. None of my dress clothes fit me anymore because of the damn weight I have gained. I am going to try looking online first before actually going to the mall. I might have better luck finding my waist and a 29 length. Course if my ankle doesn’t calm the fuck down, there won’t be a wedding to go to.

I am so pissed right now. My fucking cousin called me because my mother had grocery bags. I told him I was busy and he just played it off. That is what pissed me off more than anything, like my writing is just playing. Sorry buddy, but it is my vocation, you jerk. I go down the second flight of stairs and my ankle acts up. I can’t put any weight on it. Fuck. I shouldn’t have answered the damn phone. Then my mother gets out of the car and is in fucking pain. She won’t get out of the way so my cousin can get the stupid bags he refuses to bring up the one flight of stairs. He doesn’t have any physical problems. He just is a lazy fucking bastard. My mother tells me she bought me yogurt. It’s the light and fit kind, which I do not like. So she just wasted her money. Three fucking bags the asshole couldn’t bring up the stairs. I am livid. He does this all the time. He knows I am on disability because of my ankle. Does he fucking care? No. He only cares if I have a few extra bucks in my pocket. Asshole. He really is. Next time I am not answering the damn phone. Fuck them. Now I have to take extra pain meds because I really am hurting. No way I will be able to take a shower tonight. Thank you fucking cousin for the extra pain you brought me.

My therapist hasn’t answered my text and it’s getting late so I doubt there will be a session today. I don’t fucking care anymore. I am too pissed to talk anyway. I might have to take an Ativan to calm down. My neck is killing me from the stress of being so angry and not having anyone to yell at. I think I need a nap. My mother is probably going to call soon as I get to the point of sleeping to see what I want for dinner. So screw that. Hope she doesn’t want me to make dinner because that is so not happening. I can barely fucking stand. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because that will suck having to go back downstairs. I am not hungry anyways. If I get hungry later, I will try and make the French bread pizza. I haven’t had lunch but I am still full from my late breakfast and the coffee killed my appetite.

I hope my ankle is better by tomorrow. I need to get out of the fucking house and seriously focus on my writing. It fucking sucks that I get no support from my family, just my psychiatrist and therapist. How sad is that? Sure, my sisters are supportive. They never interrupt me while I am writing but then, they usually don’t call while I am as they work during the week.

Push 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Push

I have been in a Matchbox 20 mood for the past hour and this song keeps hitting every time it comes on. The lyrics just speak to me. I can’t describe it.

I was skimming the SPSM chat tonight. One of the tweeters tweeted an article that was for ESPN about a 19 year old that died by suicide and actually wrote how she died. I found the image disturbing and the article was a little glorifying the person’s death, which is why she had a problem with it. I couldn’t finish reading the article. After they said how she died and was struggling with college, I lost interest in what the rest of the article was about. All I could think about was my niece who is 19 and I am wondering if she is struggling with depression, too. She is at an expensive college and I wonder if that pressure is getting to her because she wants to live on her own. We have never talked about my illness but she knows that I struggle with depression and suicide as she has read my NY Times article. Least I think she knows. She is my protective factor. I am still around because I know my loss would devastate her.

Been looking at the new story that I wrote the other night. I don’t know if I should write more or type it up so I can see what it looks like. I know there is some repetition in it, so that has to come out. My fear is that I will type it up, it will be short, and I can’t continue to write. It will stop where ever it ended and that is it. The longer it sits on my bed, the longer it is hanging over my head. I was in a writing mood earlier but decided to check Twitter and got lost there. Damn you, Twitter!

When I placed my last grocery order, I ordered Red Baron’s deep dish pizza. I got Stouffer’s French bread instead. It’s comparable, but not the same. But I got a nice credit on my order so I was happy with that. If I had known I got Stouffer’s I would have given it back to the delivery guy, but he had already left. Pizza is my favorite food so I am not too disappointed. French bread is pretty good. I really would love to have Pizzeria Uno’s deep dish pizza. That I haven’t had in ages. I don’t even know where one is anymore. I know they sell it in the frozen food isle but mostly it’s pepperoni and I just want cheese. I am not one for toppings on my pizza. Plain old cheese is perfect. I will occasionally get pepperoni but it’s rare. If I order from Domino’s, it will be Hawaiian pizza on a cracker. That is my favorite. I haven’t had that pizza in a long time. I will get a Molten cake when I order it. It’s super yummy.

I texted my therapist to see if there was a way to see her tomorrow. Mondays are not her good days. But I am always hopeful she will have a cancellation. I wrote her a letter last night before I went to bed. I have no idea what I wrote. It was two pages long. I am debating making it a blog so she can read it or sending it to her via snail mail. I will have to get stamps as all I have are Harvey Milk ones and I am down to my last few. If I don’t talk with her tomorrow, I will have to wait till Tuesday. That will suck because I feel like talking with her about this weekend.

Two Things I Hate about Twitter

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two things I hate most about Twitter

I was following this guy on Twitter for a little while. He seemed interested in the suicide prevention arena. But then his tweets became abusive and very sarcastic to the point of being troll like, so I unfollowed him. Then this other troll, who is supposedly a psychologist, follows this guy. Now they are arguing what constitutes a suicide attempt, just for argumentative sake! The PhD troll was really against my article for the NYT, but I disliked him before I wrote the article. He just seems fishy to me. There is nothing worse that I can’t stand on Twitter is a troll attacking another troll.

I had a really good sleep today. For some reason, I didn’t get up till 1515. I felt like I could stay in bed all day but I really wanted to watch the last game of the season and basically cry as we said good-bye to Don Orsillo, the broadcaster for the TV. He got fired sometime after some new management for the Sox was hired. Don is now going to the Padres which means we won’t be seeing him at all as he is for the National League. I haven’t checked the sox game schedule to see if we are playing them in 2016 but it is unlikely. I am also saddened to hear that the person taking over Don’s position is the guy I like on the radio. I still haven’t found out who is taking over his position on WEEI, the radio that broadcasts the Sox games. I also don’t know the fate of Jerry Remy and what his role will be in 2016. I am sure I will find out as I follow Jerry on Twitter and he has always let his fans know the truth about what is going on with him. I admire Jerry for it.

As I was watching the game, I made coffee hoping to keep the drowsiness away for a couple of hours. It worked but now it’s wearing off. I also had a glass of wine with dinner so I am sure the combination knocked itself out. I haven’t taken my night meds yet because I took my morning meds kind of late. I have to space them out at least eight hours apart (I take the same meds in the evening).

Sometime last night, I had a problem with my laptop screen. It went all fuzzy and then went to “sleep” mode. It was still “on” but it was blank. I restarted the laptop and that seemed to fix it. The problem seems to be either on the wake up or on the boot up. The last time I had an update, I had this problem on the startup. The screen went fuzzy and wouldn’t go beyond the Dell boot up screen. It took several turn offs and ons to get it right. Just as a precaution, I copied my files on a thumb drive. But I just realized I didn’t take what is on the desktop or my pictures. I will have to make a back up of those, soon. I am too tired to do that tonight. I’m hoping it was just a glitch and won’t return. I had that problem with my other laptop but that was because it fell. This laptop to my knowledge hasn’t taken a hit and is mostly on my bed. I very rarely travel with it.

To my surprise, my mother turned the heat on today. It’s cold but I don’t think it’s that cold. Whatever. I am back to wearing t-shirts rather than long sleeves. Last night, I wanted to take a shower after the OSU game but we had no hot water. The pilot went out and I am grateful that is all it was. I will take shower tomorrow morning as I am too lazy to take one now. Ankle is still hurting me from nearly falling last night. While I was changing into my sweatpants, I lost balance in my foot and nearly fell over. I had to put all my weight on my ankle/foot to keep from falling. So it’s nice and sore today. Another reason I am glad I slept most of the day. But now it’s hurting me so I will need to take some pain meds soon. I like taking them with my night meds as then I know when I took them and when I need to take them again. I keep track of when I take my meds through an app. It’s useful for me. I wish it provided a list of times when I did take my meds but that is not a “free” function and I am not going to pay monthly for it. I just can’t justify it. I don’t need to know that bad.

football and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Man, did I get my teams mixed up! I thought OSU were playing Illinois and Nebraska was playing, too. Turns out the right team is Nebraska. OSU is playing Indiana. Unfortunately, I can only watch one game (OSU) because Neb is on the BTN, a channel I don’t have. I am bummed. So I guess I will get updates from the game, again, via Twitter.

For the first time all week, I slept late today. I don’t know if I will make coffee as it’s almost 1500. I don’t like to drink coffee too late in the afternoon because it could keep me up. I want to go to the liquor store and get some wine. I think my mother is making pizza tonight so wine would be perfect.

Last night before bed, I started writing. I was really tired but a thought came into my head and I had to write it down. It was only a page and a half, so roughly maybe 400 words. I plan on writing more about it today. If I wasn’t so tired, I probably would have written more. But I am really excited something came to me last night and I wrote. I think it will go into my book if I can make it longer. I hand wrote it so it will be a little while before it’s in a word doc.

It’s really cold and damp today. I went to get the wine and it was pretty cold out. I had to wear my winter jacket. Now the walk and going up the stairs has made me very tired and out of breath. I don’t know why sometimes I can do this without a problem and other times, I am exhausted. My right (good) ankle is hurting me for some reason. Not really painful just sore. I hope the NSAID will take care of it. I had something to eat a little while ago so that should protect my stomach from this pill. It’s the only pill that I have to make sure I eat with or I could get stomach problems. And I don’t need that.

I keep looking at the calendar to see what day it is and I still have September up. Guess I will need to change that sometime today. I really wanted to change my sheets today but that isn’t happening. I have no energy left after going to the liquor store. I want to nap but the game is on now.