Tag: paranoia

Psychotic Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychotic depression

My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.

I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.

I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.

I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.

I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.

The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.

Everyone is against me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Everyone is against me

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and they wouldn’t give it to me without verifying it with the doctor. So instead of getting 30 pills, I am getting 10 because my doc doesn’t trust me. I don’t fucking know. I sent her an angry email. I know more about the trilafon than the damn pharmacist filling the thing because I was on it when she was in fucking diapers. I have been on this medication since I was 16! I think I know how to fucking take it and how not to fucking take it and my doctor knows this. She trusts me. Least I think she does. I don’t know. I am so fucking paranoid right now it’s not funny.

While waiting in line while the pharmacists were talking there was a heavy breathing man behind me. I was freaking out because hello, personal space! Then before I logged off the computer, there was a hashtag going on Twitter about aliens. I had to shut down the browser. I mean, is this really happening to me, of all fucking days?? I am ready to admit myself because I am so fucking paranoid. I have never been so fearful in my damn life than I have been today. I don’t fucking feel safe in my own skin.

The voices are feeding off this fear. Only a matter of time before they tell me off. I got my toy and encrypted my documents that were on my laptop. I had to keep the password in my app so I remember it. I forget it and it’s bye bye data. Seriously don’t know what to do with myself. Sox rookie pitcher sucks. 3 pitches in and he gives up a 2 run home run. Yea, this is the guy we need. NOT. I am too fidgety to watch baseball right now because I am still irked by the pharmacists. I should talk to the older one and tell her she should have verified with MY doctor before filling the damn thing if she had questions to start with. Dammit. I mean what the actual fuck. Keeping me waiting while it gets sorted out while I am all fucking paranoid is not fucking good. Yes, I know there is an interaction between the medicines. Yes, guess what… my doc knows too! So what the hell is the damn problem?? Just give me my medicine and I will be on my way to take it as I fucking need it, like prescribed!! Not the “oh this medicine is not a PRN medicine”. SINCE FUCKING WHEN?? I have always taken this drug as a PRN. It’s my go to drug when I am fucking off my rocker. AND while I was in the hospital I was on 3 times as much as what my doc is prescribing me. UGH. I am so damn annoyed. But they are out to get me fucking more crazy than I already am. They are against me. They all are. I can’t wait to see if my doc responds to my email. Or emails. I asked her nicely and this is how I get treated. Like a drug seeker novice that doesn’t know about medicines. I am so irked. SHIT HEADS all of them. I wonder if they were infected with parasites too.

A Triggering Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

A Triggering Day

I have been feeling paranoid for most of the day. It started while I was at Starbucks writing in my journal. There was a congregation of people behind me while waiting for their coffee, talking loudly as I could hear them through my headphones, which was also playing loudly. I had to keep watching my back as I was fearful of these people. I just wanted them to get their coffee and leave. They must have talked for about 15-20 minutes before dispersing. I was rattled. There was no way I could calm myself down. Least not with a venti coffee. I had no meds but the voices were talking loudly too so that helped. I knew they wouldn’t allow someone to hurt me if they were around.

I went off to see my pdoc. She was late, as usual. I told her I was paranoid and didn’t trust anyone. She asked if I felt threatened by her and I asked, should I be? I did ask if she was going to kill me and she adamantly said no. That made me feel like I could trust her. We talked and she knew I was being distracted by the voices in my head. She kept trying to make conversation with me when I got quiet. She wanted to see me next week but I had reserved the zipcar and it was too complicated for her so I will see her in three weeks. I was still hearing voices and she was okay with me stopping the abilify.

I got home and soon as I walked in the door, Walgreens texted me saying my prescription was ready. They told me it was going to be a half hour wait so I went home to change and to pee as I couldn’t wait that long. I also wanted to cool off some with the AC as I was hot. It’s in the 70s today.

After I got home from that trip, I was going to stay put until the UPS guy showed up with my new toy. I am still waiting for it. While I was waiting I did my thing by reading Twitter. A person who does the PTSD chat posted something about ISIS and I immediately got triggered and paranoid worse than what I was already. I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn’t believe what she posted. Just thinking about the pic she posted is giving me paranoia again. I took my last trilafon and then emailed my pdoc saying I was triggered and needed trilafon stat. Abilify doesn’t do anything for the paranoia. And the voices would flip on me if I took it because it is poison in their eyes. I still am shaken up.

I checked the pharmacy and my doc did call in the trilafon. Soon as it’s ready, I will make my 3rd trip to walgreens today. Speaking of the devil, I just received a text saying it’s ready just now. I will go after I finish this blog. My package was delivered as well.

I was just getting calm when I figure I scroll through Facebook. Bad idea. Half way down, there was another damn post about ISIS attacking the gay community or something to that affect. I really need trilafon. I might page my psych later tonight because I am going out of my tree. I got a necklace around my neck that is protecting me from the parasites. I didn’t tell my pdoc about it when I saw her today because she already knows I am off my rocker. She did like the necklace though.

In other news, the Sox called up a rookie pitcher that is pitching tonight. I really want to see him pitch because he is supposed to be really good. It will be the first game I have watched in weeks. I hope NESN doesn’t have a 3 man crew or I will just listen to the game on the radio. I hate when they have 3 broadcasters, two are former players and 1 is the play by play man. It is so annoying with the analysis of the pitch or play. Just repetitive.

I had to report UPS today because my package was delayed for tomorrow’s delivery. The package was delivered to my town and then shipped out west for some reason. I am told it has been corrected and it’s still on for a Saturday delivery by the postal service so we’ll see.

Pissed off and Paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off and Paranoid

I have been really pissed off the past couple of hours and I don’t know why. Nothing has upset me. Hell, no one has really talked to me in that span of time. Yet I am feeling very angry.

I got my delivery. The watch that I bought I need to return because it doesn’t have military time (24 hr.) I wish I knew that before I bought it. It looked to be the same as my current watch and I just guessed that all G-Shock watches were 24 hr. I am a little mad at myself for that because now I got to go through the hassle of mailing back the watch. I did find a 24 hr. watch that is $20 more than the one I need to return. If I want to return it. My current watch is losing battery power and I don’t know how long it will last. I wish I could just find a place that replaces batteries but there are none in my area. It’s a pain! It’s a good watch, too. The new watch is okay. I suppose I could live with a 12 hr. watch, though it will definitely take some getting used to because I have my brain trained to be at the 24 hr. clock.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my psychotic episode. If I really think about it, I had my first visual hallucination today because letters were literally flying off the van that I saw and they were talking to me. I then became paranoid because everyone could see me and was waiting for me to respond to these words. It was very alarming. Nothing like this has happened before. I am kind of scared. I won’t be going out tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain anyways. And I can finally change my damn sheets. I hate changing them. It ALWAYS throws my back out, wrestling with the sheets to put them off and then on. It was much easier when I had a twin size bed. But now I have a full size bed and it’s trickier.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent my therapist a bunch of blogs and messages over the last few days. I hope she gets to read all of them, or at least some of them. I also sent her pictures. My sister gave me a small urn of my father. The velvet purse it comes with it smells awful. I took a pic and sent it to my therapist. I really didn’t want it but she bought it so I got it. I tucked it away carefully in my sock drawer.

I think I might go back to the hospital after I see my psychiatrist on the 17th. I am feeling like I need extra support and my outpatient providers just aren’t enough right now. I really didn’t have a long enough stay the last time. I just hope the psychosis isn’t permanent. Every time I have a breakthrough episode, I think it’s time to go up on the abilify. I am on a small dose, only 10 mg. My cousin takes 15 mg. He gets really paranoid and he has bipolar 2 as well. I don’t know what he is paranoid about. He never tells me but he just says he is. When I feel paranoid, people are out to get me. I am being watched constantly by outside forces. It’s worse when I am on a crowded bus or train. The bus I was on today wasn’t that crowded but every time someone walked past me I felt their eyes on me. I know rationally they could give two shits about me, but I couldn’t help the feeling they were watching me. It’s a terrible feeling, being paranoid.