Tag: physical pain

stress and psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

This was the first day that I have been out of the hospital. It was nice. I got to meet with my psychiatrist and we went over my medication plan. She doesn’t want me taking too much trilafon for a long period of time and I told her soon as I stabilize on the abilify, I should be able to come off it. So far today, I haven’t needed it so I am hoping that is a good sign.

I went to Starbucks today and typed out my admission experiences. I filled in where I felt I needed to. I thought it was cool to write it down but didn’t expect it to be so long, so I am sorry about that.

It feels so good to be back in my own bed, take my meds when I want to rather than on a schedule and also to have my pain meds when I need them. I flared up my pain over the last few days because I did too much. My ankle is pretty swollen and hurts really bad so I am hoping to stay in the house tomorrow and do nothing except edit my book, least the few pages that I have already done so. I feel that I need to get going or this thing is never going to get published.

I am glad the fog has lifted enough for me to write this blog. It was so painfully difficult to write while I was in the hospital because my head was out in outer space. The few lucid moments I had was when I was writing my experiences or writing to my therapist. I honestly have no clue what I wrote to her.

This hospitalization was a scary one. I have never felt unsafe on the unit before. Usually it is my safe haven. But the paranoia kind of got out of control and things went from bad to worse with in a few hours. I was needed more support than I ever did during this admission. I never was so scared before as I was this time. I hope that I never become as psychotic again. I told my psychiatrist today that I don’t want to mess with the abilify dose at all anymore. I can’t afford a melt down when the dose is lower. She agreed with me. I also have to work on my stress levels. I can’t get overwhelmed too much because it always causes havoc in my life. No matter how insignificant it might seem, I always become psychotic when a little stress enters my life. This book is a big deal to me and I know it is stressful but I have to take it in spurts and not do it all at once or I will end up back in the hospital. The sad part is that not too many staff knew about psychosis and so I wasn’t treated properly. They wanted me to use grounding skills, like if I was having flashbacks or other trauma symptoms. Psychosis is not a trauma symptom. It is its own illness and the staff didn’t get it. My treatment team did for the most part but the nursing staff could use a little more training. I should have written that as part of the exit interview thing I had to fill out before being discharged.

I did have a good staff member that did understand. She wants a copy of my book so I will send it to her when it gets published. So far she is the only one that seemed interested in my work. I had a few patients that were interested so I gave them the website to my blog as there will be information as it becomes available for it. I am hoping to get it done within a month or by the end of the year. It all depends on how quickly I can go through the editing process and have at least two people read it to make sure there aren’t horrible grammatical errors or repeats in information.

I still can’t believe how much I was doped up while in the hospital. But it was a good thing. I didn’t harm myself or barricade myself while I was there. I did try to manage what I was eating but that was difficult. I did go to bed after I took my meds because my day always started off early and most nights I was there I woke up around 330 in pain. I am so glad I can take my pain meds now and not have to bother anyone with it or tell them my scale of how bad it hurts. I can just pop two pills and be done with it. I do have to find another flavor or powerade or Gatorade though. The ones that I have been using suck after the first sip. My taste buds have been awful lately. Nothing really tastes good. Even the coffee and donuts I was eating today was terrible. I know part of the reason is because I am still depressed. I just hope this phase passes soon. This is the first depression in which my taste buds are affected.

hospital admission 10-2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My hospital admission 10-2013

Day 1:

Lost a few blog followers today. Kind of sad about this. But I know there are days where I can get as many as 5 new followers in a day so I am not worried. I just have to wait for that day. I haven’t had much sleep in the last 36 hours. I had a late admission to the hospital and didn’t get transferred till 4 am. To say that I am tired is an understatement. Hope to get some sleep tonight.

Day 2:

Woke up in a grumpy mood and the first thing they tell me is they need vital signs. I wait where I am supposed to. This idiot student person takes them and almost gags me with the fricken thermometer. I am not happy. No sooner had I had breakfast of sausages, another MHC (Mental Health Counselor) asks if I had vitals. I say yes and she acts like she doesn’t believe me as she then asks who took them. Fuck you.I wanted to scream at them.

I’m in my “corner” of the hospital that is vacant at the moment where I won’t be bothered.
No med changes have happened yet. Wish they would. I just want to leave even though I just got here. I don’t care anymore. I am already sick of the routine already.

Hope I don’t have any meds this morning . Unless the MD fucked up again. He changed my abilify instead of the Ativan order. I wouldn’t mind an Ativan right now.
Just had a check in with the MHC. Told her I was grumpy and paranoid. She wanted a student to sit in on our conversation but I wasn’t up for it.

I got my morning meds. It was my anti-inflammatory medication. Guess they don’t have my extended release form so I will be taking it three times a day.
JACHO just removed my space. I am not happy about this. Hope that when they are done the space is back. Still have not met with any member of my treatment team yet. Lunch will be here soon. I am getting hungry.

I just listened to some music in my room. My tablet doesn’t have any playlists yet so I am just shuffling all the songs. I am still in a grumpy paranoid mood. My fricken wristband that you have to wear is too tight on me but they need to scan it to give you meds so I am stuck with it.

Just got kicked out of the kitchen because they need to clean it. Today is just a pissa of a day. I should have just stayed in my room.

1300: Starting to feel wicked agitated. Told staff and they had me write out my feelings. Then I got asked if I wanted to go to a dissociation group that is invitation only. Wonderful. I feel like flipping out and they want me to go to group. Wish I was home. I could take an Ativan and lock myself in my room and just zonk out. Urges to cut are strong today. I can’t stand listening to the voices in my head telling me to cut anymore. I am thinking about drawing marks on my wrist with my red pen. I don’t think that will fly too well. Fricken group starts in like 5 mins. Meds are starting to kick in and writing has helped a little but anyways. Going to write my therapist a letter.

Day 3:

Had a sucky day. Night before had a lot of noise going on in my head. I didn’t feel safe even though I usually feel safe while on the unit. Felt paranoid most of the day.

Day4:

Woke up early today. Had breakfast and coffee. It wasn’t Starbucks but it isn’t acid either. I’m still feeling paranoid. Can’t believe that I’ve had to see my contact person twice in a shift. That almost never happens. But I guess I just needed extra support today. I changed my birth name on the unit to my initials. I couldn’t take seeing my name postered around the unit anymore. This is the start of a holiday weekend. Just lovely. They had therapy group today but I could only stay a few minutes. Voices kept making fun of everyone in the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. My hospital band keeps digging into me. It is very annoying I got a few friends on the unit. Last time I met someone that we did keep in touch, least on FB. We kind of drifted apart but still say hi every now and then.

I don’t expect any visitors this weekend. I am still not sure how I am getting home. It worries me because I know that I have to take a shuttle, a bus, a train, and then another bus to get home. I am looking at at least a 3 hour commute. But I don’t want to worry about that now. I’ll worry about that closer to discharge.

Every night since I have been here I have woken up early and needed pain meds. I have them every 6 hours as needed. I really want to rip this medical band off. It’s starting to dig into and activate my urges to cut. Every time I come here some alarm goes off. Granted the first time I was here it was kind of my fault. A suicidal patient put a bagel in the microwave for twenty minutes and left it. We had to evacuate the floor. We were the only two laughing our heads off. After that we weren’t allow together anymore. She tried to kill herself at least two times on the unit. It was sad. I never knew if she made it.

Talked with my mother today about general stuff. I didn’t ask who she told I was in the hospital. I really don’t care at this point. Noise finally stopped. Hope it stays that way. The noise/alarm was telling me to die.

I took a two hour nap today. Hope it doesn’t affect my night time sleep.

Day 5:

Woke up after having an almost solid eight hours of sleep, which is hard to do usually in the hospital because of checks. Just had a check in with my contact person. A contact person is someone you talk about your day with, go over your goals for the day, go over any problems, etc. I like my contact person. She seems to be the only one that gets psychosis.

I can’t really say I am having a good morning. My Sox lost last night. I couldn’t bear watching the game last night because Lester wasn’t on his game. Hope today they have better luck. But if they don’t swing the bat, it’s going to be hard getting runs.

Just had breakfast. Tea with some banana muffins. I don’t usually like banana muffins but these are mini so they aren’t that bad. This is what is usual for weekend breakfast. They serve like a continental breakfast.

I hate waking up so early. It’s going to be a long day.

Day 6:

Felt sleep and psychotic most of the day. Then I kind of lost it tonight as I felt scared and wanted to barricade myself in my room. I told a staff member before I did anything as I didn’t feel safe. I just feel really scared because the normal voices aren’t there anymore. The contact person had me take my meds early and see if that helped. I’m back in my room. I wish one of the roommates would come in so I don’t feel like blocking them out. Also had delusions of the staff cutting my arm with the blood pressure cuff.

My friend thinks this is a grief reaction to my transgender issues. But I don’t think so. I think it’s just the pressure of getting my first book done has just messed with me. I think if I was working or had a job this probably wouldn’t have happened. Any time I get stressed, I become psychotic.

I need a pain pill but I can’t get one until 12 or so. I hate having to wait around for stupid schedules. I hope tomorrow is better. I really want to feel safe. What set me off tonight is that on of my normal voices is gone temporarily. The medication got rid of most of my voices, good and bad. Now I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s very lonely in head right now and I don’t like it. It’s a very weird feeling. Also another patient had physical contact with me today that set me off. She touched my arm and it just made me feel really paranoid. I know she didn’t mean to do it and I told it not to touch me. This is after she told me that I looked like her dying sister.

Day 7

I’m kind of pissed. I had a rough weekend and now they are talking about discharging me. WTF. I am not feeling too stable but if they push the issue, I will go home. I rather sleep in my own bed anyways. But the weird thing is that the staff told me this like I accomplished some kind of goal or something. I am wicked pissed. I am not really feeling safe to be home yet. Last night I was so scared I almost barricaded myself in my room. But whatever. It is what they perceive it to be. I hate day shift. I really do. Always have.

Not really hungry today. But I forced myself to have a bowl of cereal and made myself a cup of tea. Tea was better than the cereal.

I hope I will be able to go home by T ok. I’ll ask my sister if she can pick me up but if she doesn’t, I’ll just have to go by T (public transportation). It’s a cool day today so I hope what I brought to wear will be warm enough.

I talked to my treatment team and they are not discharging me because I had a rough weekend. I feel relieved.

Day 8:

Went on fresh air break, where we walk around the grounds of the hospital for a little bit. It was good to get outside. I haven’t felt like writing much today. My brain feels foggy. I had two cups of strong tea and I am still sleepy. I guess the Ativan is kicking my butt. My plan of taking my pain meds with my night time meds hasn’t worked. I still woke up at 03:30 in pain. I hate not being able to take my pain meds like I do at home. Two pills seem to work better than one. I will hopefully be discharged tomorrow. I think that I will be taking the T tomorrow as no one can pick me up. I am already dreading the commute. I’ll make sure my headphones are charged so I can at least listen to music during the commute.

I wrote my therapist another letter. She loves getting them. I talked to her yesterday and she was so excited, the weirdo. It was funny.

The paranoia and voices seem to be less today. I am jut really tired because I woke up again at 3:30 and then again at 08:30. I tried to nap during the day but it was unsuccessful. I have a new roommate and she reminds me of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter. Only difference is that she doesn’t have blonde hair.

out of the hospital

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I got discharged today. I am happy to be home but am kind of scared too. I think I will be ok once I settle back into my routine.

I haven’t typed up my experience but that will be a duty for tomorrow. I have been up since 0530 and am pretty tired. There is a Sox game on tonight and hopefully I can watch it in the quietness of my house and not fall asleep. Last night at the hospital, things got really rowdy. We had new admits and they were a young crowd. One was clearly manic and was boisterous and didn’t care. I couldn’t be around all that noise. It activated the voices and when I told my treatment team today, I was afraid I wasn’t going to get discharged but they let me out anyways.

I have therapy tonight and I see my pdoc tomorrow. I cannot wait to get a Starbucks coffee. It is a shame that I failed to use my rewards so I lost a free drink by a day. I feel so bad because I really wanted to use it. But I can use another one for tomorrow. I can get my donut for free!

A strange thing happened with my phone. I had to turn if off because it was frozen and when I turned it back on, it acted like it was new and went through the activation process. Then today I tried using it and it wouldn’t allow me to call or text any one. I had to call customer service but because I was in the hospital, they could only do so much. Luckily they sent updates to my phone and it is working good now. It bugs me because this is the second time something like this has happened. I am afraid that the next time, it might not fix itself. I am due for an upgrade but there are no phones that I really want (or can afford) right now, except for possibly the Galaxy IIIs. My brother in law has it and I think it is a cool phone but I am really wanting the wristband device that comes with it. Now that is totally STAR TREK!

I was telling some of the patients and staff in the hospital about my book and most wanted it. I gave them the title but it’s not like they can look it up anytime soon. I don’t have it published yet. I probably will sometime next month. I am going to try and get it done by Thanksgiving. We’ll see how the editing goes. I am not ready to start that yet so it might be next week before I am ready.

psychosis and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.